Ask A Stupid Question, Get A Stupid Answer

[Calidore]

Haven't you heard they flipped the bird to the words?

Do birds really surf?

[Pendragon]

On their bellies, maybe.

If Farmer Brown's dog eats his rhubarb patch on the eighth of April, how long will it take that patch to come up?

(Some of these stupid questions are from the comic strip BC by Johnny Hart. I find them amusing!)

[Pike Bishop]

It entirely depends on the fiber in the dog's diet.

Is there any explanation for England's ungodly cuisine?

[North Star]

They're so sick of being in the kitchen because of the rain that they don't even try anymore

How much wood would a woodchuck chuck if it was on strike?

[Pompey Bum]

Not much, but hey, if he was a union woodchuck he probably wasn't chucking very much in the first place.

If a leopard doesn't like the places it lies around sunning itself, can it change its spots?

[Pendragon]

If it chooses. Its skin is another matter.

BTW: If anyone or any animal ate that much rhubarb at once, it would come back up in less than a minute!

What happens to Tarzan when he hits the tree line and no more vines?

[Pompey Bum]

He considers a career change.

If a mermaid had sex, would she still be a maid?

[North Star]

Yes, but her salary would go down to the bottom of the ocean.

What would happen if everything stopped?

[Pike Bishop]

There would be a hellstorm of deferred momentum resumed all over the universe once it started again; the collisions would be cataclysmic.

What makes some people think anyone can write readable or listenable poetry?

[Pompey Bum]

Yes, but her salary would go down to the bottom of the ocean.

Heh. I thought you were going to say: Yes, just because you boff the boss doesn't mean you don't still have to clean the toilet. :)


What would happen if everything stopped?

Just hit control-alt-delete and it will start right up again.

Why can't our children's children take care of their own damned environment?

[Pendragon]

Because we screwed it up.

Why do people talk about the good old days? Do they miss having to walk to school uphill in the rain?

[Pompey Bum]

Uphill in the rain? In my day it was a volcano, and the only thing it was raining was hell! Ah! Remember that? :)

What did Friday call Robinson Crusoe?

[Calidore]

Frank.

How did Crusoe strip down and then fill his pockets anyway?

[Pike Bishop]

Why do people talk about the good old days? Do they miss having to walk to school uphill in the rain?

Because either their lives are miserable or they narcissistically think the era when they were at the youthful height of their powers trumps all others...it's very sad.

Will the Nobel committee ever give its prize for literature to a white American male again, and, if so, whom?

[Pendragon]

@ Calidore: Magic

@ Pike Bishop: Who knows? Who's writing the Great American Novel today?

Why do people wait to do things until they feel indebted by guilt?

[Pike Bishop]

The Nobel Prize for literature is a lifetime award. So, deserving candidates would definitely be Cormac McCarthy, Thomas Pynchon, Philip Roth, and Don DeLillo. However, none of them have much time left, so the Nobel people better move on it and stop awarding the Doris Lessings and Nadine Gordimers of the world.

I rarely feel guilt; so, I'm not sure. I do think, however, that many of us--including myself--are habitual procrastinators (like the Melancholy Dane), so we tend to put things off until we have no choice but to do them.

Why are men usually worse than women at appreciating the excellent partners they have ?

[Pendragon]

Man is the more feeble minded of the species, as opposed to the female, whom Sherlock Holmes called the deadlier of the two...

Why do people preface insults by saying "with all due respect?"

[Pompey Bum]

The key word is "due."

Should Return of the Jedi be retitled: Invasion of the Cute Cuddly Things?

[Pike Bishop]

Why do people preface insults by saying "with all due respect?"

Because the actual respect they have for their addressee is minimal, and their deceptive use of the phrase is meant to allay the insult.

Why do many people dismiss certain art works as "bad" without even formulating solid, consistent aesthetic standards supporting those dismissals?

[Calidore]

The key word is "due."

Should Return of the Jedi be retitled: Invasion of the Cute Cuddly Things?

Nah, the Jedi did return. Well, one anyway.


Because the actual respect they have for their addressee is minimal, and their deceptive use of the phrase is meant to allay the insult.

Why do many people dismiss certain art works as "bad" without even formulating solid, consistent aesthetic standards supporting those dismissals?

I think for those who don't make a study of art, appreciation is largely a gut reaction--"I like" vs. "I don't like". It becomes a problem when they assert their subjective opinion as objective fact.

Why do people feel the need to assert their subjective opinion as objective fact?

[Pike Bishop]

Why do people preface insults by saying "with all due respect?"
Because the actual respect they have for their addressee is minimal, and their deceptive use of the phrase is meant to allay the insult.

Why do many people dismiss certain art works as "bad" without even formulating solid, consistent aesthetic standards supporting those dismissals?

[Pompey Bum]

Why do people feel the need to assert their subjective opinion as objective fact?

Global warming.

If you lick a vanilla ice cream cone, does that make it French vanilla?

[Calidore]

I wish.

If you lick hot oil, is that a French fry?

[Pompey Bum]

No. Just play with your happy toy and they'll be ready in a second.

If Mayor MacCheese is the mayor, why does Ronald MacDonald have all the power?

[Pendragon]

The Mayor is corrupt and McDonaldville has gone to the clowns

Why eat a last meal just before execution?

[Calidore]

It's like the old saw about eating the strawberry growing on the side of a cliff when trapped on a ledge.

What would your last meal be?

[Pike Bishop]

Why eat a last meal just before execution?

There's no need to rob yourself of one last sensual pleasure before saying Hasta.

Why do the marriages of others threaten the marriages of some?

[Pendragon]

@Calidore: I doubt that would be my top priority on the day of my execution!

@Pike Bishop: Due to people forgetting that they are, in fact, married

Would you spend a month on a desert island for charity?

[Pompey Bum]

Sure, as long as I didn't have to choose the top 10 books I'd take along.

What role did yellow marshmallow peeps play in the Resurrection?

[Pendragon]

None.

Why do people get bent out of shape over Religion in a country (USA) supposedly guaranteeing Religious Freedom?

[Pike Bishop]

Religious freedom doesn't mean religious people are supposed to give up their own personal religions and/or emotional attachments to their religious beliefs. And I say that as an atheist. Too bad some religious people forget religious freedom doesn't allow one to infringe on other people's rights, so some ridiculously think it's ok to discriminate against Gays or fight against Gay marriage.

Why do some Christians, who are supposed to be compassionate and loving to their fellow humans, show such un-Christian hatred to people for loving the adults they do?

[Pompey Bum]

None.

Wrong. They laid the first eggs-egesis. :)

If vampires can't see themselves in mirrors, then how come they dress so well?

[Pendragon]

Vanity.

~
@ Pike Bishop. Discriminate? No. Believe that homosexuality is wrong? That's my belief. That said I have gay friends. They know I don't approve, but the subject never comes up. They are as welcome as anyone. As a Minister, I would not marry them (even if I had a license to marry, which I never pursued for many reasons) But neither would I marry divorced people, since I don't believe in that either. So I let a license to marry go so I would never have to tell anyone no.

In answer to your question, people feel able to judge when they shouldn't. People have rights that cannot be denied. But you wouldn't go to a Jewish Market and fuss because they have no pork. You wouldn't try to make a Muslim man shave or consume alcohol. Why force a Christian to do something they feel is wrong? There are so many choices, if you cannot get satisfactory service at one place, go elsewhere. There is the right of any business to refuse service to anyone.

Why are people determined that everyone has to think the same?

[Pompey Bum]

It's easier for some to keep track of that way.

What was the elephant thinking when the three blind men were groping him?

[Pike Bishop]

I messed up the quoting; my answer to Pendragon's post is below.

[Pike Bishop]

In answer to your question, people feel able to judge when they shouldn't. People have rights that cannot be denied. But you wouldn't go to a Jewish Market and fuss because they have no pork. You wouldn't try to make a Muslim man shave or consume alcohol. Why force a Christian to do something they feel is wrong? There are so many choices, if you cannot get satisfactory service at one place, go elsewhere. There is the right of any business to refuse service to anyone.

Why are people determined that everyone has to think the same?

Firstly, you analogy is inapt. In the first case, the customer is asking the businessman to sell what they don't sell. That's not what Gay customers expecting the same service from a business as everyone else are doing. In the second case, you're talking about forcing someone to do an activity they wouldn't normally do. That's not what Gay customers expecting the same service from a business as everyone else are doing either. They are asking the businessman to do what they do every day in their business. So, it is not a matter of the Gay customer forcing the businessman to do something s/he doesn't usually do. It is a matter of the businessman choosing to break the law of their governmentally-issued business license and defy the constitution.

So, I will speak plainly here. The constitution, particularly the Equal Protection Clause, prohibits any business owner from discriminating against anyone for who they are. Using your logic, White business owners should be able to discriminate against Black customers because they want to do so. Like discrimination against Gays, that is abhorrent...and I'm stunned a Christian like you supports it. So, there is no debate here, an American's constitutional right to not be discriminated against trumps a business owner's desire to illegally discriminate. So, Gays have no reason to have to hope somebody will serve them when the Constitution says they don't have to do so.

So, that's the Constitutional, and ethical, reality of the issue. So, even though (for some reason) that bothers you, you need to get used to it. The Constitution won't be changing soon.


As to your question, I don't know of which people you speak. I've never encountered any one who has expressed such determination.

[Pompey Bum]

Why are people determined that everyone has to think the same?

It's easier for some to keep track that way.

What was the elephant thinking when the three blind men were groping him?

[Pendragon]

So, it is not a matter of the Gay customer forcing the businessman to do something s/he doesn't usually do. If the person doesn't do weddings for people that do not have the same religious views, then you ARE asking them to violate their belief.


So, I will speak plainly here. The constitution, particularly the Equal Protection Clause, prohibits any business owner from discriminating against anyone for who they are. Using your logic, White business owners should be able to discriminate against Black customers because they want to do so. Like discrimination against Gays, that is abhorrent...and I'm stunned a Christian like you supports it.
As to your question, I don't know of which people you speak. I've never encountered any one who has expressed such determination.[/QUOTE]

That's not what I said and you know it. So let us just figuratively shake and and agree to disagree. I never discriminate against anyone. If I feel you are wrong, I can let you know how I feel, and unless you wish, we are still going to be friends. I haven't had a single gay friend ditch me because I believe homosexuality is wrong. It would be wrong to continuously browbeat them about it. Most of the Atheists on this site respect me, because I do not pull tactics such as just yelling "You are wrong!" and refusing to see any logic at all.

Be at peace, mon ami. God Bless.

Pompey, the elephant probably wondered what they were going to grab next and was planning a swift revenge!

Do angel ever fall while dancing on the point of a pen?

[Pike Bishop]

1. If the person doesn't do weddings for people that do not have the same religious views, then you ARE asking them to violate their belief.

2. That's not what I said and you know it. So let us just figuratively shake and and agree to disagree. I never discriminate against anyone. If I feel you are wrong, I can let you know how I feel, and unless you wish, we are still going to be friends. I haven't had a single gay friend ditch me because I believe homosexuality is wrong. It would be wrong to continuously browbeat them about it. Most of the Atheists on this site respect me, because I do not pull tactics such as just yelling "You are wrong!" and refusing to see any logic at all.

Be at peace, mon ami. God Bless.

1. No, I'm not. I'm asking them to follow the law. You can't break the law because your religious beliefs say so. Using your logic, you would be fine with people whose religion doesn't like Black people to refuse service to them. That is reprehensible and illegal and so, too, is the same discrimination against Gays you support so strongly.

2. That's exactly what you said and you know it. You said people shouldn't be forced to do what they don't want to do. So, you absolutely would support Whites who didn't want to support Blacks because they didn't want to do it. That is a syllogistic fact. And I'm sorry but I don't respect people who advocate for discrimination against Gays. And when you said religious people should be able to do so, you absolutely made that advocacy.

And I didn't just tell you you were wrong without refusing to see logic. That's exactly what you did to me. You incorrectly said my correctly saying you advocated discrimination against gays, and implicitly supported discrimination against blacks, was wrong. And it was exactly what you advocated and implied.


So, be at peace, yourself, mon ami. With your defense of homophobic discrimination, you need it much more than I.

[bounty]

pike---as a courtesy to you. I don't make a point of following you around but often times you are in the same place I want to go also.

you are obviously smart, and well-read. unfortunately however, I don't find any joy or worth in your perpetually arguing with people, criticizing them or their thinking, and making judgments as to their character. I trust (and know) others don't either. It's certainly not what I am here for. I hope you will stop and instead use your brains & learning for something people enjoy.

in the meantime though, I just reported your recent posts here and im going to continue to do so every time I see you acting in the same way.

[Pike Bishop]

Bounty, I wish I could say you are obviously smart and well-read, too,...I really, really do. I find no joy or worth in your posts either, so we at least have something in common. If you want to defend posts advocating discrimination against gays, knock yourself out. If you want to report my perfectly polite post criticizing the defense of discriminatioon against gays, knock yourself out as well.

Finally, I think it's adorable you've appointed yourself the official hall monitor of the forum. Like I said, your posts always make me smile...;)

[Pompey Bum]

Do angel ever fall while dancing on the point of a pen?

Yes, and they experience severe compunction.

Can fallen angels sue for damages?

[Pendragon]

LOL Since people say most lawyers are in hell (closest to the fire! ;) why not?

What do you think really happened to Schrödinger's cat?

[Pompey Bum]

It fell on hard times after the thought experiment and ended up playing Mr. Jinx on Hanna-Barbera cartoons to pay for a nasty catnip dependency. It may or may not have died (or both) on 1966.

Did the denizens of Skull Island (of King Kong fame) actually invent the coconut bra?

[bounty]

i think its clear that coconuts were brought first to mercia by some African swallows so no, the skull island people must have gotten them through the arthurian fashion magazines at the time.

who is "sam hill" in the "what in the sam hill is going on here" exclamation?

[Pendragon]

My cantankerous old neighbor who is hopelessly locked in the 60' tie-died t-shirts and all.

What would have happened if Newton had sat under a Maple tree instead?

[Pompey Bum]

The fig newton would have tasted entirely different.

Are the potholes on he road to hell repaved with good intentions each spring?

[bounty]

only after they pull people's automobiles out of them. I recently spent four years in Michigan and they were reallllllllllly bad there.

just where the heck is tarnation?

[Pendragon]

Probably in the swamps of North Carolina, which is known as the "Tar-Heel" State.

Exactly what is a "whole nother"?

[Pompey Bum]

It's a variety of wax ball often removed during ear examinations. Less skillful doctors can sometimes only produce half nothers.

Why in the American South do things have to fix before they can actually happen (e.g. "Oh is it raining?" "No, but it's fixin' to.")

[Pendragon]

Because us Southern folk ah fixing to kick some Yankee butt again! Y'all come. C'ya!

Why do people think anyone not from their region talks funny?

[Pompey Bum]

Huh?

I may have asked this somewhere before, but I've never received a satisfactory answer: why didn't Cinderella's glass slipper turn back at midnight like all the rest of the stuff her fairy godmother enchanted?

[Pendragon]

As my sainted mother used to say: It was in the script.

She danced in glass slippers? Doesn't that sound like a way to lose toes, not gain a Prince!

[bounty]

that sounds like a point from that youtube series "everything wrong with..." sometimes they are insightful, sometimes I disagree with their points, but that's a good one.

you wonder if that is an actual fault in the plot, or if the author of the story would have a satisfactory answer to that quandary--like, the shoe, independent from Cinderella's presence serves as a talisman.

my answer however, in keeping with the thread, would have to be-----well, its a little known fact that the movie was originally marketed to manufacturers of glass shoes in general, so the screen writers needed to keep their audience happy by the magical constancy of the glass slipper in particular. otherwise, there would have been a glass shoemaker uprising on their hands...or feet, as it were.


does anybody really know what time it is?

[Calidore]

Does anybody really care?

What is the time of the season?

[Pendragon]

Here in Southwest Virginia, we just finished turkey season and are moving on to varmint season (groundhog hunting)

What time is it when the clock strikes 13?

[Pompey Bum]

Time to stop trusting orthodoxies.

What did Adam and Eve do for Mother's Day?

[Calidore]

What did Adam and Eve do for Mother's Day?

Had a nice vegetarian meal with plenty of fresh fruit.

How long did Adam and Eve live in Eden before being evicted for violating their lease?

[Pompey Bum]

Temporal existence and attendant horrors (such as leases) began with the Fall.

Did Adam and Eve have belly buttons?

[tonywalt]

yes, and they gazed at them often and alot.

As you are on the internet right now - what pleasure does it fulfill?

[Pompey Bum]

I read books and write posts, alternately and in quick succession. The combination of give and take is intellectually stimulating. Same question.

[Pendragon]

It keeps me off the streets and it keeps me out of trouble, mostly

Do flies flea?

[Pompey Bum]

Only for a fee.

Who did Lucille Ball?

[Pendragon]

Not touching that one with a ten-foot pole! :D

How did Wiscon sin?

[Pompey Bum]

By stealing a new brass key? ;-)

What is Stephen Hawking?

[Delta40]

Something out of nothing

How does Achilles heel?

[Pendragon]

You pull up on his leash.

Who is Bob, and what does his being your Uncle matter?

[Pompey Bum]

Don't you dare talk about my father's brother like that!

Do geese see God?

[Pendragon]

Forward and backwards

Did you ever even get a gift horse, looking in its mouth or not?

[Pike Bishop]

I would never accept a gift horse; they're archaic overgrown dogs.

Would you dance naked in public, with the assurance of no arrest, for $10,000?

[Pendragon]

No. It might make everyone go blind. I'm not the sort people dream of seeing naked.

If Farmer Brown and his wife take 100 pigs to market and Farmer Brown returns home paid for 101 pigs, what mistake did the buyer make?

[Pompey Bum]

Mrs. Brown.

Are we not drawn onward, we few, drawn onward to new era?

[Pendragon]

Who is this "we" of whom you speak?

If train A leaves Station X at 5:30 going East, and Train B leaves Station Y at 5:45 going West, how long has it taken you to realize you don't care when they pass each other?

[Pompey Bum]

Magellan proved that they will pass each other.

May a moody baby doom a yam?

[Pendragon]

Back and forth

Where was Noah when the candle went out?

[Pompey Bum]

Where was Noah when the candle went out?

Heh heh. In the d----- ark!

Who gave Anne Rice?

[tonywalt]

a train the call the city of new orleans

should we all really live in a yellow submarine?

[Pike Bishop]

I could probably only bear Paul and John, and their squabbles, for a day.

What does "motoring" mean in the song "Sister Christian"?

[Pendragon]

Running away, perhaps?

Why use sterile needles for lethal injections?

[Pike Bishop]

Because they want a clean, seamless execution...and they do love their dichotomies.

Why didn't Nigel Tufnel want to go higher than 11?

[Pompey Bum]

Why use sterile needles for lethal injections?

So they don't have babies.

Does Jennifer love Hewitt?

[Pendragon]

They are star-crossed

How much does Io weigh?

[Pike Bishop]

As much as a moon or a cow.

What exactly is the "pompatus of love"?

[tonywalt]

It's when you get your lovin' on the run - it happens?

Could you dance all night with a dollar fifty and a six pack of beer?

[Pendragon]

I couldn't dance if it was a requirement for citizenship

Can you amuse yourself without any technology?

[Pompey Bum]

Yes, but it's a minor sin.

What's Janet Yellen?

[Pike Bishop]

I couldn't dance if it was a requirement for citizenship

Can you amuse yourself without any technology?

Anyone who can't spent too much time with the Nuns.

How can the Walrus be the same person as the Egg-Man?

[tonywalt]

it's possible when you have an elementary penguin singing hare krishna

What do you say if you just dropped an album, literally on the floor, without creating confusion in the music industry?

[Pendragon]

Wasted Days and Wasted Nights

Can a Woodchuck chuck wood?

[Pompey Bum]

Lacking opposable thumbs, it can only hurl epithets.

Who gave Edith Head?

[tonywalt]

Archie Bunker?

During the war, what happenend when the order was given to, "Get in your Bunkers"?

[Pendragon]

They thought it was "This is bonkers!" and they were right!

What do werewolves do during a blue moon?

[Calidore]

Howl the blues.

What drives vampires batty?

[Pike Bishop]

They thought it was "This is bonkers!" and they were right!

What do werewolves do during a blue moon?

They make puppies.

Who was cooler, Ralph Malph or Potsie Webber...and why?

[Pendragon]

Potsie Webber could at least sing fairly well

What does the term "motherboard" mean?

[Pompey Bum]

It means Daddy's out of town.

Why did the ancient Greeks wear skirts into battle?

[tonywalt]

you can do all your bodily functions whilst fighting away. I think it should be standard dress gear for all militaries, but, and this is just me spitting out ideas, perhaps Armani should be the designer. Let's the the military the flair it lacks. Join the Army and make a fashion statement, Boys and Girls!

Did Chachi ever really Joanie?

[Pendragon]

Only their shadows know

What exactly did The Shadow know?

[Calidore]

Never go toward the light.

Why was Doc savage?

[bounty]

hey everyone, just started a thread in the general literature section, hope you all join in.


it was all that pulp he had to wade through, enough to make anyone savage, let alone someone with a medical degree.

what phrase would we have now for really bad turns in tv shows if fonzi hadn't successfully "jumped the shark?"
(although that's kind of a fun question I think!)

[Pompey Bum]

Whoring for ratings?

Could the guy who wrote Twinkle Twinkle Little Star sue the guy who wrote A B C D E F G for intellectual property infringement?

[Pendragon]

Same tune folks, so someone copied!

What did Dela Ware?

[Pompey Bum]

Her new jersey?

Where does John Couger Mellen camp?

[Pendragon]

Probably anywhere he pleases

How did Flora Die?

[Pompey Bum]

In Missouri?

Where does Tom cruise?

[tonywalt]

The bathrooms of the Santa Monica boulevard church of scientology.

Who exactly is afraid of Virginia woolf? any why?

[Pompey Bum]

Anyone woman who has ever run into Pendragon on a hot summer night with the red roses. :)

Why is Ian Phlegming?

[Pendragon]

He tried to swallow some of Pompey Bum's philosophies... :D

Do lightning bugs fire flies?

[bounty]

I love that meatloaf song!

that pea soup London fog; it really messes with the respiratory system.

I love pea soup too!

who offers their throats to wolves anyways? even if they do have red roses? I mean, are women so easily bought??

[Pendragon]

Not sure I follow your answer there! Wolves are often sheep in disguise, roses hide thorns, and women are women, right?

Where do people speak Flemish? Flem?

[Pompey Bum]

It was a reference to your reputation as a lady's man in your home state (Virginia Woolf, get it?), resonating with a this song from the late 70s:

https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=IMV0QtBxjCQ

Of course from Flem--where the women are so fleminine!

Why did New York get all the lawyers and New Jersey all the toxic waste?

[Calidore]

What's the difference?

What made the hottentots so hot?

[Pompey Bum]

No, it's because New Jersey got to choose first.

Courage?

Would Dan rather?

[Pendragon]

Rather! Old Chap!

Did the plastic surgeons who worked on Phylis Diller?

[Pompey Bum]

Yes, but they didn't survive the procedure.

Would you care for some more pike, Bishop? ;-)

[bounty]

please--no more fishy chess pieces, at least in the incarnation we just recently had!

is there any such thing as a stupid question? (hmmmm!)

[Pendragon]

You had to ask one, didn't you?

Why is a raven like a writing desk?

[Pompey Bum]

They are both composed of atoms.

And what do you do, sir, lance a lot?

[Pendragon]

Mostly Sir Lancelot fooled around with the Queen, according to legend... :rolleyes:

Did HP Lovecraft name Cthulhu by sneezing?

[Pompey Bum]

No. Cthulhu is French for Snorky, his stage name on "The Banana Splits."

If the living dead are so damned hungry, why don't they eat each other?

[Pendragon]

Fresh meat tastes better

How does the partner of a werewolf put up with all that full moon changing?

[Pompey Bum]

Just be extra sensitive. It's only once a month.

What is Satan's last name?

[Pendragon]

Well, in these here hills all the way up to the Adirondacks it's usually Scratch, as in Old Scratch

Did you ever speak of the Devil and actually have an Imp appear?

[Pompey Bum]

We haven't been on speaking terms since The Exorcist II.

Why don't the living dead have to poop?

[Pendragon]

It helps fuel their burning desire to eat

If a plane crashes into a cemetery, where will they bury the survivors?

[Pompey Bum]

Nice try! :)

If Rome fell, and no one was there to hear it, would it have made any noise?

[Pendragon]

Perhaps the insects would hear it, never been anyplace where there weren't aggravating bugs!

If you take boat A apart and start to build boat B, when there are no more parts to transfer is boat A now boat B?

[tonywalt]

Yes, this happens to bars and restaurants that are re-opened and re-named but, weirdly, more or less the same place with the same people.

Where have the Muppets gone?

[Pompey Bum]

Fawzi came out.
Gonzo's doing dinner theater.
Beaker lost everything for saying "the n-word."
Statler and Waldorf founded an anti-Islamic political party.
Miss Piggy's at Betty Ford.
Kermit is aging with dignity.

Was eating Captain Crunch worth the sores it made on the roof of your mouth?

[tonywalt]

He was.

Did I just hear that in the very near future - anyone without a Smart Watch will be out of the loop? (I did, I fear this new next bull****)

[Pompey Bum]

You did. But new bullsh*t gets old fast.

Do those on gallows worry about being out of the loop?

[Pendragon]

Probably not. In the loop is their problem for a short drop...

Did cavemen stockpile clubs with one big one they hoped they would never have to use?

[Pompey Bum]

No, their breath alone was a credible deterrent.

Did Stone Age humans feel really embarrassed when they finally thought up metal?

[Pendragon]

It kinda slapped some of them silly

Did pressing clothing start the Iron Age?

[Pompey Bum]

Yes, and policing began in the Copper Age.

If Homo erectus were alive today, he get sick of having everyone call him that?

[Pendragon]

Embarrassed, more likely. School kids can be vicious about a name like that!

If we all came from the same source, be it created by God or chance evolution, why are we so darn different?

[Pompey Bum]

God gets bored of the same old shows.

What is the sound of one hand fapping?

[Pendragon]

There. Did you hear it?

If we could go faster than light, would we arrive instantly?

[Pompey Bum]

If we could go faster than light we'd be in the dark.

Have you seen Olivia Newton, John?

[Calidore]

Hanging out with her brother, Fig.

Why is white zinfandel pink? Or, alternatively, why is pink zinfandel not "pink zinfandel"?

[Pendragon]

Color blind discoverers.

Why is the sky blue?

[Pompey Bum]

Because there's no oxygen up there.

Do pythons hug each other when they need a little encouragement?

[Pendragon]

Yes, very tightly

Are male lions lazy because the lioness does the hunting?

[Pompey Bum]

Naw, it's good to be king.

Would zombies make good astronauts?

[tonywalt]

lol, yes.

is the whole moon made of cheese thing solved?

[Pompey Bum]

They would though, right? Because they wouldn't need oxygen, plus you'd get rid of the zombie.

Yes, it's Bree. Now we're trying to figure out why Jupiter's moons are made of pate. Somebody seems to be having a huge party and not inviting us.

Does a teddy bear sh*t in the woods?

[Pendragon]

No. Kids bed, or that is his story anyway.

What would they have named after FDR, Frankie Falcons?

[Pompey Bum]

Um, global warming?

If everyone else bungee jumped off a bridge, would you bungee jump off a bridge, too?

[Pendragon]

At 348 pounds, nope. When I was a teen and weighed 120 sopping wet, oh, yeah!

Would you ride a bike no hands at 70mph?

[Tyrion Cheddar]

If the bike had no hands, I wouldn't ride it at any speed.

What's the difference between an orange?

[Pompey Bum]

It's color.

If Jeannie would give Major Nelson anything he wanted, how come she wouldn't show him her belly button?

[Pendragon]

Show censorship. Apparently cleavage was OK

Why doesn't the rest of the group vote Gilligan off the Island?

[Pompey Bum]

Ginger gets violent if four males aren't available at any given time.

Do cavities enjoy being drilled?

[Pendragon]

If you can call it enjoyment.

Why can some people pick up radio on their fillings?

[Pompey Bum]

It isn't hard. The real question is how to get the tooth marks off the radio.

If a shark bites you because it thinks you're a seal, doesn't the shark sort of deserve the seal it ordered?

[Pendragon]

Nature accepts no substitutes.

Can you go fishing on last year's license if you are only keeping the ones that got away last year?

[Pompey Bum]

Yes, but you will sink to the bottom of the lake. Use a boat.

Have peacocks actually ever done anything to be proud of?

[Clockwise]

Yes, they successfully manage to have a higher opinion of themselves than other animals.

How should I dress to look cool at a party in Poughkeepsie?

[Pendragon]

Google it. That's what Google is for!

How is it that they call a computer program that produces a facsimile of a printed page a "book?" Perhaps it should be "the medium replacing what was formerly known as a book." Yeah?

[Pompey Bum]

They only do it to bust on you, Pen.

If you were dueling with a foreigner, and he intentionally shot into the ground, would you go over to his country and shoot it right back?

[Pendragon]

In a duel, I would save myself a trip and shoot the perp

If you were the injured party in a duel and so had choice of weapons and rules, what would you choose?

[Pompey Bum]

Tickles, or tummy blowing if it was a lady.

How can I convince my wife that Mercury and Peter Pan are not the same person?

[Pendragon]

Google

Was Peter Pan influenced by Mercury?

[Pompey Bum]

He didn't do well on cold mornings.

In a parallel universe, do giant daisies pull us limb from limb to predict their carees?

[Pendragon]

Not us, but people from that alternate world, who are all less intelligent than the daisy

If wings were a feature of all earth life, could pigs fly?

[Pompey Bum]

If pigs had wings, Applebee's appetizer menu would be a heck of a lot better.

What kind of tears do crocodile's shed when they're actually upset?

[Pendragon]

The same ones, only different

Does a difference that makes no difference still a difference?

[Calidore]

Certainly. 5-0=5 is a difference that makes no difference, but will still make a difference in your grade if you screw it up.

Why "math" in some places and "maths" in others?

[Pendragon]

It's complicated.

Why are elephants rumored to fear mice?

[Pompey Bum]

If you spread rumors, they'd trample you.

Is there really any need to make a distinction between large and small curd cottage cheese?

[Calidore]

Size does matter.

What actually was gone with the wind in Gone with the Wind?

[Pendragon]

Probably the plot

If Robin Hood were alive today, would he use a compound bow?

[Pompey Bum]

That should be "compound-bow." With compound words you need a hyphen.

Before the Zombie Apocalypse, is there going to be a Zombie Rapture?

[Pendragon]

Well, there has to be a resurrection to create a zombie anyway...

Why not a Vampire Apocalypse?

[Pompey Bum]

Vampire's could not survive without a steady supply of formal tailors.

How does the Mummy go to the bathroom with all those bandages? I don't actually need all that graphic an answer. In fact, if you'd like to forget I asked and just move on, that would be just fine, too. Your next question, then?

[Pendragon]

They have to be careful not to get the TP mixed up with the bandages.

How would the Frankenstein monster keep out of jail, considering his hands were from hanged murderers?

[Pompey Bum]

He could only use his hands when they got furloughs (and, although it's not a pleasant thought, during conjugal visits).

How come the monster read Plutarch, Goethe, and Milton in the book, but could hardly manage "Woman goooood!" in the movies?

[Pendragon]

The same reason Tarzan who speaks multiple human and animal languages did the "Me Tarzan. You Jane" crap in the movies. It's a disgrace!

Why would all four parts of Oz be so divided on colors?

[Pompey Bum]

Ferguson?

Is Antichrist married to Uncle Christ?

[Pendragon]

In the words of a favorite old time radio show-- "T'aint funny McGee!"

If you don't believe in God and talk about Him irreverently, is it still blasphemy?

[Pompey Bum]

Everybody's a critic.

Who says I don't believe in God?

If Bruce Jenner gained weight, would it count as trans fat?

[Pendragon]

Doesn't He/She go by Caitlin now? I used to look up to this guy as an Olympic hero, now in his dottage he decides he's a her!

Do the blues have anything to do with the weather?

[Pompey Bum]

Yes. They are responsible for cloudless skies and the occasional bolt there from.

Why did plans 1-8 from outer space have to be scrapped?

[Pendragon]

Budget restraints...

There is a Secret Agent X and a Secret Agent X-9. What happened to Secret Agents Y and Z?

[Calidore]

That question is clearly intended to distract us from looking into the fates of X-1 through X-8. Stay in your home. We will be there shortly.

Who cast The Shadow?

[Pompey Bum]

The studio nurse, after he broke his arm.

Could Haile Selassie have been any less Selassie?

[tonywalt]

Not according to the Zion way of thinking.

Do woodchucks know (or could they know) they are used in a playful word scheme?

[Calidore]

Do they know? Nobody ever asks them anything else. That's why they've worked so hard to be known as groundhogs, hoping "woodchuck" will be forgotten.

BTW, rumor has it that the originator of that line was gnawed to death, so be careful where and when you use it.

How is it that a loaf of bread always comes down to one slice, even when you start with the remaining slice from the previous loaf?

[Pompey Bum]

Not according to the Zion way of thinking.

And besides, I think his brother's name was Les.


How is it that a loaf of bread always comes down to one slice, even when you start with the remaining slice from the previous loaf?

Because that's the will of Jesus Crust. (:))

Did Bluto and Brutus used to take exams for each other?

[Pendragon]

Actually they used to, then Bluto got in trouble and Brutus denied even knowing him. (This actually happened with a set of twins three doors up from my Uncle Bob on Park Street in Marion, VA. One twin got in serious trouble and the other did everything he could to look different from his brother.)

Does Popeye realize that spinach has little effect on muscle?

[Virgil]

Popeye never made it past Kindergarten. (Nice to see you Pen!)

What does Popeye eat when there is a spinach shortage?

[Pendragon]

Collard greens, Mustard greens, Turnip greens, Dandelion greens, etc.

How did Popeye get those big forearms with such skinny upper arms?

[Tournesol]

Too much ink from his anchor tattoos.



Why is it the door is always "Pull" only when you have your arms full?

[Pendragon]

It's a Government Conspiracy, Man!

Why do people think it's amusing to play with automatic opening doors?

[Pompey Bum]

Cruelty to automatic doors is just an ugly part of human nature.

What happens when none of your bees wax?

[Pendragon]

Your hive goes "hum drum"

Did you ever hear a tree bark?

[Calidore]

Yes, when it was ready to leave.

What happens when pasta and antipasto collide?

[Pompey Bum]

The Entree-prise goes into warp speed. (Ooh--worked for that one...)

Did Bram Stoker?

[Pendragon]

Well he did write some weird stuff at that. with plenty of female characters...

How was Mark Twain?

[tonywalt]

Samuel Clemens can answer that, and did.

What happened to people named 'Chuck'! (I'm concerned)

[Pendragon]

They were "chucked out the door."

Do you suppose in your nightmares that HP Lovecraft might have had a point about monsters?

[Pompey Bum]

Anything by Hewlet Packard can be safely ignored.

Did Karl Popper? How come Emanuel Kant?

[Tyrion Cheddar]

Yes, apparently Karl popped Emmanuelle's Kant. Same night Molly popped the football team. Must have been some party.

If you can choke chicken, and you can pull pork, can you slam ham?

[Pompey Bum]

Oh, don't be a boar!

Was Christopher Lee an adverb?

[Tyrion Cheddar]

Yes, the adverb means 'to have three nipples.'

Did the tree leave the book?

[Pompey Bum]

Yes, according to the tree. But the book says it was mutual.

Do spiders wink?

[Tyrion Cheddar]

Do widers spink? What kind of a question is that?

If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular?

[Pompey Bum]

YOU'VE SEEN THIS ONE BEFORE. ORIGINALLY YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO ASK QUESTIONS LIKE "WHY IS WATER WET?", BUT AFTER SOME TIME IT BECAME MORE LIKE "WHAT'S STEPHEN HAWKING?" And "WHY'S JANET YELLEN?"

Braille!

Where do zombies honeymoon?