Ask A Stupid Question, Get A Stupid Answer

[de Renal]

The problem lies in the telescope they are using, it's farsighted, so the effect equals 0.

How come that hell has only nine circles?:mad5:

[Pendragon]

I suppose you have been there and know this by personal experience? Duh!

Why do winning horses never be the one I back?

[dafydd manton]

Because you didn't bother telling the horse - if it knew how hard you had to work for that money, it would try harder.

Why do modern ships "set sail", when they haven't got any sails to set?

[de Renal]

Because they were originally constructed by Popeye - the Sailor, and were named after him.

Why is the sign :( named smiley, when it frowns?

[dafydd manton]

You've got your computer upside-down!

What the blazes is "vegetarian black pudding"?

[Astromaxis]

Vegetarian black pudding is made of decomposed black mushrooms and fertilizers

Why do solar eclipses happen so less?

[dafydd manton]

A distinctly limited number of suns to eclipse. More suns, more eclipses.

When people talk about going for a tramp in the woods, who is the tramp?

[de Renal]

Not who, but what - the tramp is the log transport ramp which one can find on the wood crossroads, and can be lifted only if one has the permission to pull the logs out of the wood.

How come that, while the soap opera is on, the bubbles don't come out of the TV screen and flood the living room?

[dafydd manton]

Not only that, no matter what colour of bubble bath/soap/shampoo you use, why are the bubbles always white?

[de Renal]

The chemical reaction which happens when shampoo is mixed with water is similar to one when a man uses shaving foam, which is always white.

How come you don't choke (physically) when you swallow your pride?

[dafydd manton]

Because it's hard to look proud when you're lying on the floor coughing and going purple.

Why do BMW drivers forget that they have got glass around them, and spend most of their time at traffic lights rooting around up their nostrils?

[de Renal]

They think the traffic lights are disco where they're going to meet a superbooby-longhaired-allears girl and fall instantly inlove!

Why is white wine yellow?

[dafydd manton]

For the same reason that white grapes are green.

Why did they televise "The Black and White Minstrel Show" in colour?

[de Renal]

While transported from the TV house to your TV set it warmed up and turned colorish.

Why is web log named after tree?

[Pendragon]

Because it has lots of branches :rolleyes:

Why do people spend so much time on the Internet?

[de Renal]

The bottom has to be fed somehow.

If another word for paradise is heaven, how come another word for hell isn't heaven't?

[dafydd manton]

Because it was derived from the Hebrew, Aramaic and Greek, which do not have works for hell, beefburgers or Rugby Football. Or warm beer.

If smoking is harmful, how come it cures kippers?

[Pendragon]

They have no lungs

Why do people's excuses for behavior never include actually stopping said behavior?

[dafydd manton]

Because it is easier to criticise that actually do anything, and leave yourself open to accusations about your behaviour.

Why do they paint night-fighters black, then put flashing lights all over them?

[Genocide]

Because it looks pretty that way.

When insulting God, is it still necessary to capitalize the "Y" in: Why do You suck so bad?

[dafydd manton]

Lo! And verily shalt thou do so. And all the people shall say Amen.

Why do Europeans prefer cars with manual gearboxes, when Americans have got Automatics?

[Pendragon]

Laziness

Why do we observe daylight saving time, when it saves neither daylight nor time?

[dafydd manton]

To prevent Swedish farmers committing suicide, and so that we can make more weapons in between the unrelenting air-raids to which we are subject on a daily basis.

Why do they tell us that aircraft are highly technical, then ask for the lowest tender to make the components?

[Pendragon]

It's just business

Why does flying sometimes take longer than a nice train trip?

[dafydd manton]

Because trains don't have to waste all their time getting up to 35,000 feet.

Why do attractive air hostesses ask you what you'd like, then strap you in so that you can't?

[Maryd.]

Because you were probably sitting next to your wife at the time. (Or your husband!)

Why do men think they are stronger than women?

[dafydd manton]

Because, whilst we might not be able to work out the problems of the world, we can lift heavy weights.

How do women remember everything we have said, for the last 40 years?

[Maryd.]

While you mean were lifting heavy things women were brain training.

Why is it men can't get pregnant?

[dafydd manton]

Space is limited. We just don't have the womb.

Why, in all of mythology, do all dragons have a masculine name?

[Maryd.]

Because dragons are ugly... They can't give a pretty name to such an ugly creature... (Oh, that was so below the belt, of me!)

Why are women pretty?

[dafydd manton]

I can only assume that you never met my first mother-in-law, who was the nearest thing to a shaved bear that humanity has ever seen, and was thrown out of the Waffen SS.......for cruelty. When she came round, the mice threw themselves on the traps!!

Why are mothers in law so horrendous?

[Maryd.]

Ok Dafydd, you had me laughing here, something I haven't done for days. (Thanks muchly)

Because they were put on this earth to torture us, even with their mouths closed they can manage it...

If men and women argue so much, why are they so attracted to each other?

[dafydd manton]

Because we're all MMMMAAAAADDDDD I tell you! MMMMAAADDDD! Well, we'd have to be!! As said elsewhere, please excuse me, but if I don;t go to bed, I shall turn in to 12 white mice, and finish up chasing after cheese on the traps in Baron Hardup's Castle. I bid you all the remainder of a good night, and enjoyment of the Antipodean Sun.

[de Renal]

What was the question?

and

What was the question? :bigear:

[dafydd manton]

Ooops! Sorry!! Went off on one, there!! The question is:

What is the ideal accompaniment to jelly (jello)?

[de Renal]

A naked man bathing in the tab full of it.

Why is wheat corn called corn, when it's not corn but wheat?

[Pendragon]

Stuffy Brits. They call corn maize...

Why do people get road rage?

[dafydd manton]

All those Brits, wandering around in the middle of the road, laden with corn/maize. You've heard of Hampton Court Maize?

If the Brits call corn maize, why do we have Corn Flakes for breakfast?

[de Renal]

Dafydd!!EVERYBODY knows that corn flakes come from american laboratories, and were probably tested on animals!

Why are mutants called mutants, when they're not mute, nor ants?

[dafydd manton]

Because they started off as both mute and ants, but mutated into people with baseball caps, floral shorts, shaved heads, England shirts and tattooes.

Why would anybody wear the above?

[de Renal]

First, before mutation, they were merely ants covered with hair. Then, in time, they heard about the Hawaii, Nazis and Margaret Thatcher. Then, after they spent some time in Europe, they realized that they will never adjust to native people, so they decided to found a new group called "The Idiots". And the rest is history!

If I always wear black, am I Ninja?

[dafydd manton]

That depends entirely unon whether you are a turtle or not.

Why does green and brown vegetation when compressed with age turn black, then in to diamonds?

[Pendragon]

Nature loves a good joke, diamonds are just educated and refined coal

Why do people say "Y'all come over!" when they obviously do not mean it?

[dafydd manton]

For the same reason as they say "y'all" when only speaking to one person, rendering the "all" superfluous.

Who decided that meat blackened on the outside and raw in the middle should be the standard fare at barbeques?

[adityasam]

The Admin of LitNet of course

Why do we eat and why do we excrete?

[dafydd manton]

Because if we didn't we'd either explode, which is messy, or our digestive system would get bored and go off to do something else. There are few things more embarrassing than your own bowels beating you at golf.

Why are Smurfs blue?

[Jazz_]

Because it makes them look more cute ;)

Why is snow white?

[dafydd manton]

Because Snow Purple and the Seven Dwarfs would sound ridiculous.

Why would anybody want a three-wheeler car?

[Aryaa]

Because they are obsessed with odd numbers.

I want Moon and I can't have it. Why? :blush5:

[dafydd manton]

If you mean Keith Moon, he's dead. If you mean the great big thing that hangs in the sky and is made of cheese, you can't have all that cholesterol. If you mean the film, the cinema isn't showing it this week.


Is it possible to get nicked for being drunk in charge after eating sherry trifle, or rum and raisin ice-cream?

[Pendragon]

Depends on the amount of booze in the dishes

Why do they complain about people smoking while cigarettes are still a billion dollar industry?

[dafydd manton]

'Cos the people in the tobacco industry can afford the best possible medical treatment.

If you play baseball with a baseball bat, and cricket with a cricket bat, what is a wombat for?

[Pendragon]

Wom ball

Why are spiders so terrifying, given their size in comparison to man?

[dafydd manton]

It's the thought of the litttle, tiny crevices they can crawl into, prior to giving you the foulest of disease, or at least, a very nast itch.

If stripes are supposed to be slimming, why do some zebras look so fat?

[Pendragon]

We view them through the eyes of predators

Who do desert islands seem so alluring?

[dafydd manton]

If you lived in Sheffield, you wouldn't need to ask that!

If music be the food of love, why don't rabbits play the banjo?

[aliengirl]

Because they love carrot more than loving love.

Why is an orange called orange?

[dafydd manton]

For exactly the same reason that you've never yet eaten a bunch of purples. If all fruits were named after their colour, you'd have to slip on a yellow peel, and that just ain't funny.

Why do women who have been married six times still insist on a white wedding dress?

[Aryaa]

Because inspite of failures, women never give up the fantasy of fairy-tale romance and weddings.

Why men can't understand what a woman wants?

-----------------------------------------------------------
Make Voyages. Attempt them.
There is nothing else.

[LMK]

Because women do not always know what they want nor do men.

Does the moon look brighter if I wear red shoes?

[adityasam]

It would if you wear red socks....

Why are we in 2010?

[Pendragon]

Time and tide wait for no man

Why do people quote others so much?

[dafydd manton]

Forsitan et nostrum nomen miscebitur istis! (Ovid)

Why do pompous people keep on using Latin? (Except Hawkman, who is a star bunny!!!!)

[neilgee]

Can I learn Latin in a day?

Shall we bring a dead language to life again?

[adityasam]

Please don't try to scare me.

Why is the water blue?

[dafydd manton]

Because if it was, say, pink, not only would it make the life of poets untenable, the Pinkwater Shopping would sound faintly effeminate.

If Scotmen can wear the kilt, why don't more men wear skirts?

[Aryaa]

eshhhhhhh...may be men are afraid of waxing.

why people like to be Rich and Famous ?

--------------------------------------------
Make Voyages. Attempt them.
There is nothing else

[dafydd manton]

No idea - I ain't got there yet. If I ever do, I promise I'll let you know, but don't hold your breath.

is there any moral objection to wearing socks with dragons on them?

[neilgee]

It depends what colour they are!

Why are men obsessed with the colours of women's underwear?

[dafydd manton]

Sorry, I can't answer that...wait till the trembling has died down. be fair, though, if the lady in your life turned up in tartan underwear..............?

How far was Anne Boleyn prepared to get ahead?

[neilgee]

Anne Boleyn? Isn't she dead?

Why does the top of my head get cold before any other part of my body?

[Aryaa]

Because you are cool-headed person.

Why we call sunset and not sunfall ?

----------------------------------------------
Make Voyages. Attempt them.
There is nothing else.

[dafydd manton]

Because the higher up you go, the colder it is, despite what Icarus thought, so therefore the top of your nut is nearer the top of Everest than your feet, and Everest is always covered in snow. (The mountain, not the double-glazing.)

Was the Duke of Earl a duke or an earl?

[dafydd manton]

Aryaa, I hand over to you!!! Your question. The sun does not fall, because if it did, being circular, it would bounce, and it might hit the moon, which would drive the astrologers mad.

Who was REALLY the King - Elvis, Jacko or Canute?

[Aryaa]

thanks dafydd manton :)

I think Elvis because he ruled over hearts of his fans...and I don't know who the other two are. :(

Birds can cross the borders of any country without Visa/Passport. Why can't humans ?

[adityasam]

No, Once I secretely saw 2 birds taking a visa from Mt.Everest.

Why do we have to be healthy?

[Aryaa]

Because doctors may go on strike.


Why is love like an elusive butterfly?


--------------------------------
.....

[dafydd manton]

Both love and butterflies make your stomach feel horrible.

If James Bond was a secret agent, why did he introduce himself as "Bond.....James Bond"?

[Maryd.]

Because his real name was Eugene Girl.

If we live on opposite sides of the world... Would it be day time on your end or mine?

[dafydd manton]

Might I suggest you keep your end to yourself, in the name of propriety. (Sorry, did I misunderstand something there?)

On my travels, at what point do I become a foreigner?

[Aryaa]

When you leave earth and enter into other planet. :alien:


Why beautiful lotus blooms in muddy pond ? :willy_nilly:

[dafydd manton]

Because it struggles in the middle of the motorway. And in some parts of this town, somebody would probably eat it.

Why do doctors have a white coat full of pockets, yet insist on draping their stethoscope round their neck?

[adityasam]

They are afraid some one might pickpocket them.

Why do we play games?

[dafydd manton]

Because you can't play at working (they tell me!). The only other thing left to play is truant, which is NAUGHTY!

Who was the first man to eat a raw oyster?

[Pendragon]

I don't know but I pity the poor fool

Why do people suggest you consume food that they themselves won't eat?

[dafydd manton]

They call them restaurateurs!!

Is it possible to live without chocolate?

[Aryaa]

No way...guilty pleasures are a must to add spice to monotonous life.


Why death and taxes are inevitable ?

[dafydd manton]

Because if you don't pay your taxes, they shoot you.

Which came first, the chicken or the road?

[Pendragon]

The egg

Could we scramble snake eggs for breakfast, given that they are, indeed, eggs?

[adityasam]

Burp... That was tasty (LOL)

Has anyone seen Dinosaur Eggs?

[dafydd manton]

Yes, of course - the dinosaur. However, they were remarkably short-sighted and many tried to incubate rocks, hamburger stands and telephone kiosks, which is why they eventually became extinct, except in the Flintstone.

Since cows eat grass all the time, why isn't milk green?

[aliengirl]

Of course, female dinosaur.

What would happen if dinosaur became alive again?

[dafydd manton]

If the dinosaur became alive? We would be able to get an awful lot of dinoburgers out of just one.

If no two snowflakes are alike, why all raindrops pretty much the same?

[adityasam]

The cow eats the green grass for the colour itself. See the colours of the organs of a cow, all green.

Why do we watch T.V.?

[dafydd manton]

The cow eats the green grass for the colour itself. See the colours of the organs of a cow, all green.

Why do we watch T.V.?

Wow! I didn't know cows could play the organ! Do they have any udder musical skills? :gnorsi:

[Jazz_]

They do have some moosical talent... (Wow, I've stooped to a new level of lameness :eek:)

Excluding cows, which animal has the most musical talent?

[neilgee]

Dogs. I know several who can speak fluent Spanish.

Do I have to go to Spain in order to have a Spanish guitar lesson?

[dafydd manton]

No, but you do have to go to Yorkshire if you wish to eat Yorkshire pudding at the same time.

Why was the Gibbon considered to be funky, when the Orang Utan is actually far more musical, being a great exponent of the Spanish Guitar.

[Pendragon]

It only smells funky

Why do we call it "funky music" and why do it take a "white boy" to play it, as in "Play that funky music white boy"?

[adityasam]

Because most blacks are exclusive rappers.....

Why is delicious food, delicious?

[dafydd manton]

Because otherwise it would be McDonald's. Incidentally, the McD in Sheffield has just served its 10 millionth burger. they know this because they've just opened the fifth pound of mince.

Why do some British people wear baseball caps when (a) we don't play baseball, and (b) we rarely have any sun to keep out of the eyes?

[neilgee]

That's why they wear them back to front round where I live (it's a class statement).

When I first went to school they told me "sit here for the present" but I waited all day and never got no present, man. Why is that?

[dafydd manton]

Because they past.

Why do they insist that you carry dogs on the escalators on the Tube? I haven't got a dog!

[Pendragon]

Then get one, doofus!

Why are all vulgarities called "four letter words" when some have as many as twelve?

[dafydd manton]

I'm (8 Letter word) if I know, but then, who the (7 Letter word) gives a (4 Letter word)?

What is the point of celery?

[adityasam]

To fill the Omasum and sleep well during school hours.

[dafydd manton]

Please, Sir, can we have another question, please, Sir? Thank 'ee koindly, young mester!

[Aryaa]

looks like baby bandit fell fast asleep thinking about celery.:)

How are you today Sir?

[adityasam]

Why didn't I question?

Sorry Guys!

[dafydd manton]

Sorry, is "why didn't I question" the question? I only question this because it is in question, although I'd question whether it is questionable? If "why didn't I question" is the question, then I would question whether you remembered, but I'd have to question you to find out, without question.

Why was it so hard to find the source of the Nile? All you've got to do is walk up it.

[aliengirl]

And what if you walk in the opposite direction?

Why do rivers flow but lakes are still?

[dafydd manton]

Sheer, unadulterated laziness.

Where are the downhill lakes for water-skiing?

[Pendragon]

The Andes and the Himalayas

Why do something "because it is there "?

[adityasam]

So that we will be absent for school and can miss lots and lots of homework.

Why do we have to create our own signatures?

[Pendragon]

Forgers already have it too easy

Why is a dog "man's best friend"?

[Hawkman]

Because cats treat us with contempt.

Why is there always so much month left when the money runs out?

[dafydd manton]

Bad planning. The guy who invented the months was better paid than the rest of us, and couldn't have cared less. See "Civil Service"

If English is an Indo-Germanic language, why do some teachers insist that English was based on Latin?

[neilgee]

They insist that Latin is making a comeback and want the English to get some credit for it.

Why would somebody suddenly fall out with me without me knowing why and without their telling me why?

[dafydd manton]

Because, secretly, they actually hold a grudge agains Rembrandt, and they look upon it as a way to get to him, if only because they can't pronounce van Rijn' Also, since he did his mortal coil shuffling bit in 1669 (?) , he seems to be a bit reticent about replying.

Did Rembrandt ever visit Manchester?

[adityasam]

Yeah, He was on his way but someone told him he better go to the merseyside and thus he went to Liverpool!

Did Rembrandt ever visit Liverpool?

[Pendragon]

No, he raised piranha, and was used to liver in his pool

Why do people lie when the truth would be perfectly acceptable?

[dafydd manton]

Because if they told the truth their credibility would suffer, in that if what you tell someone is a pack of lies, you are the only person that knows it, thus making you Top Banana. See "politics"

Why do manufacturers keep trying to make stuff that looks and tastes like butter, when we've got a butter mountain?

[Jerrybaldy]

because although we have a butter mountain , its fast running out , so buy some now from baldies r us, it tastes like butter but has more cholesterol. Eating cholesterol is cool. ( breaks to clip of naomi campbell sucking lard from a biscuit on a really nice beach)
Cholesterol eating is the new extreme sport. If you dont suck on our lard you are Billy nomates. Buy one get the nest double price. High prices are cool.

why does it always rain after a dry spell ?

[dafydd manton]

To stop the lakes from running away. They always stay put in the rain, because they can't afford umbrellas big enough.

Why do we now have to call the Fat Controller Sir Topham Hatt?

[Jazz_]

Because he is now sponsored by Weight-Watchers ;)

Was that Fat Controller's real name ever used (until recently)?

[Pendragon]

A search of the archives reveals nothing... highly suspicious!

Why do they call mystery stories "whodunits"?

[dafydd manton]

Coz the very erly wuns wozn't spellt good, an they dint no no gramur.

Why do maps show you where a place of interest is, but not tell you WHAT it is!?

[Pendragon]

Mystery is the spice of life

Why do people, especially males, always claim they are not lost and refuse to ask for directions?

[dafydd manton]

Because they only want to lose one thing, i.e. their way, without losing face as well.

Why, when men consult road-maps, do they always turn the car radio off?

[adityasam]

Yeah, My friend turned it off once...

Why are we playing this?

[dafydd manton]

Studidity, Insanity, Lack of anything better to do, and it's Fun!

Why do we refer to steam-rollers, when they are no longer powered by steam?

[aliengirl]

Old habits die hard.

Why do we cook food?

[dafydd manton]

Because uncooked cows aren't as tasty, and uncooked lamb tends to still have wool attached to it. Served with uncooked potatoes and leeks, it is a delicacy amongst wolves and foxes, but not up to much, although probably still better than McDonalds

Why haven't McDonalds cottoned on that the first syllable of all their products is Muck?

[Pendragon]

Good PR reps

Why do people wash their cars right before it rains?

[dafydd manton]

It is always "just before it rains" where I live. Either it's just before, just after, or it's raining. We saw the sun once, but many thought it was a hallucination - that was in 1937.

Why is it Scotch Whisky but Irish Whiskey?

[Pendragon]

Both group claim the invention of whiskey and it is the subject of international intrigue

Why do we call the tiny glasses they serve whiskey in "shot glasses"?

[dafydd manton]

Because in the Wild West, many men started arguments after too much whiskey, wnet for the quickdraw, fell over in the process and then got shot.

Worse yet, why is a sherry glass called a schooner?

[neilgee]

I know the answer to that one! there used to ba a woman at the glass factory called Nerys [Ner for short] who was always shouting "Shoo" and "Scoot" from the office window to the local kids and tramps who tried to get near the warm furnaces in winter, whilst she drank warm sherry from a newly invented kind of glass and somehow her phrases and name were amalgamated by the public imagination and the rest as they say is very dubious history.

Why have I got no question ready?

[dafydd manton]

Genius runs on a narow wave-band, and you can't be expected to multi-task - that's for women. (There'll be letters!)

Why do women think they can multi-task and men can't?

[BookofNothing92]

Women think they can multi-task because they can´t do anything else.

Why do hopeless romantics exist?

[dafydd manton]

To give Mills and Boon writers something to do when it's raining, and anyway, it keeps Norwegian foresters in a job.

What is the point of cats?

[aliengirl]

There are no points or corners in cats. They are quite round, soft, and fluffy.

Why do we use door bells?

[dafydd manton]

Because hitting the door with a sausage doesn't alert anyone except the cat.

Why was the film Jaws not called Fangs, or Gnashers, or Dentures?

[adityasam]

The Sharks would be dishonoured.

Why do people like Bungee Jumping?

[dafydd manton]

They don't, they just want others to think they're hard. Ever noticed that it only happens in places where there are no crocodiles to wrestle with?

Why has this pigeon been sitting outside my window for the lst half hour, staring at me?

[Pendragon]

You are utterly fascinating, Daffy Dave! Get used to it!

Why do I insist on nicknaming people?

[dafydd manton]

Because it makes them feel loved, special, a part of something bigger, and makes them worry less about that blasted pigeon!

Why did Hannibal use something as slow as elephants?

[adityasam]

He hated being fast!

Why do we prefer Google over other search engines?

[dafydd manton]

I'll have to Goggle that one!

Why do I always spell Goggle.....Googel......Gogele......Google wrong?

[adityasam]

Over usage of the term...Wait a minute,Gogle...Gugel...Oh god, what's happening to me..

Why are there 7 continents on this earth, but in all the major events only 6 of them take part?

[dafydd manton]

The seventh have got more sense!

Why does the mobile phone always ring the instant you go in to the bathroom?

[tainaprincess]

Because people have a sixth sense about that, and decide they want to mess with you.

Why do pants have legs?

[dafydd manton]

Because if they had arms, they'd be extraordinarily difficult to get on.

Why do I always mis-spell because when I'm typing, and it always has to be corrected from beacuse? See? I did it again!

[tainaprincess]

Because the English language has such a difficult way of spelling and pronouncing its words.

Oops, forgot to ask my question:

Why are people so forgetful?

[dafydd manton]

Sorry, forgetful of what? Do I know you? It could be age - I'm glad I haven't there yet. Got where? Oh, I dunno.

Since pride comes before a fall, are all those women who teeter about on 5 inch heels proud of something, and if so, what?

[tainaprincess]

They seem to feel that they aren't tall enough for their counterparts.

Why do men always feel that they have to be right?

[dafydd manton]

Because we know that we never actually will be!!

What is so fascinating about "reality TV"?

[tainaprincess]

Don't know. It's not really "reality".

Why do people feel they need to dumb things down all the way down?

[dafydd manton]

Hey, did you see that commercial in between the murders, on NBC news tonight? Cool! Ace! Wicked! Like, Wow, man!

Why do they give people blood transfusions if they've lost a pint, yet when somebody donates, they take a pint and replace it with a cup of tea and a biscuit?

[tainaprincess]

That is interesting. We are given orange or apple juice and cookies - we're told caffeine isn't good to help the reproduction of red blood cells.

Why do some people have a problem with the sight of blood, but have no problem going to a blood bank to donate?

[Aryaa]

Because people are strange and mind works in a weird way.

Why do tears come in our eyes when we are miserable or hurt?

[Pendragon]

The body is mostly water and very sympathetic...

Why does the word "Dude!" seem to mean almost anything to this generation?

[dafydd manton]

Lack of imagination! Dude! (Does it have a proper meaning? Not common in Brit English!)

Why do airline pilots always tell you what the outside air temperature is, when you're at 35,000 feet?

[adityasam]

To know the plight of the aves!

Why only birds, bats and insects fly?

[dafydd manton]

Because if elephants did, none of us would be safe. Similarly cattle/horses.

Why does bottled water take three thousand years to filter through the mountains, yet is best before next Thursday?

[Astromaxis]

Because good things become crap under usage - they prefer virginity those miserly, proud denizens of nature!

Why is Heterochromia so cool?

[Pendragon]

Hetero who? What? Where? When? Why? How?

Why do investigative reporters always turn out to be cold-hearted prigs?

[dafydd manton]

Because they were cold-hearted prigs in the first place, who only have one interest, despite what they would have you believe. Sorry, two interests. ££££££££££ or $$$$$$$.

Do freshly shorn sheep get embarrassed?

[Pendragon]

They wear sunglasses to remain inconspicuous

Why do goats have a reputation for eating tin cans?

[dafydd manton]

It is a well lnown fact that goats love spinach, which is just as well because it is too repulsive for human consumption. However, despite the best efforts of Popeye to promote the foul stuff, there are still millions of cans about, each with a picture of spinach on the outside. The goats are just cutting out the middle-man.

Why does it rain every time I want to go out with my camera?

[prendrelemick]

You're in Sheffield, it always rains.

Can you read a book by its cover?

[dafydd manton]

Yes, but you have to take three thousand out of the library, to keep you going for a fortnight. Also, the dialogue's usually rubbish.

Does shouting "Long Live the King" actually work?

[prendrelemick]

It may have done in the past. The next time, I'm afraid, Charles the III will be about 90, so it may be wishfull thinking.


What are those little things that hold a new pair of sock together called

[dafydd manton]

Legs.

Why do pubs still have Smoke Rooms, when smoking has been banned?

[prendrelemick]

To save money and effort, all they have to do is cross out the Sm and add Kara.


How many pecks to a firkin.

[dafydd manton]

I'm surprised you have to ask. All you have to do is divide 40.9148269 by 9.09218376. Simples. The answer is (^&^&^$@~#. Give or take.

When did a florin become two bob, before it became 10 pee?

[prendrelemick]

about the time Liz was given a Crown and became a Sovereign.


why do you switch the light off rather than the dark on?

[dafydd manton]

Because the light switch was invented by a Russian, Dmitiri Switchitoff.

If Icarus' wings melted as he got too near the sun, how come it smows on the top of Everest?

[prendrelemick]

Thats a myth created by double glazing salesmen.

Why do the horrors of remorse abound in unfullfilled conditionals?

[dafydd manton]

Oh, if only I knew the answer to that..........

If there are flightless birds that can swim underwater, are there swimless fish that can fly?

[prendrelemick]

There could be. Fish and fowl are closely related, there are rumours of a creature with a Birds-eye and Fish Fingers.

If god is all-powerful, why does he permit Piers Morgan?

[dafydd manton]

Only because Piers Morgan thinks he is more powerful, better informed, better looking, wealthier and better loved. In comparison with a warthog, he is possibly (but only possibly) right. In comparison with the rest of the world, be is not. God has often used bad examples, and this is his major tour de force. Forcing him upon us, until we can find a suitable tour, or tower, to throw him off.

Does anybody normal watch all the cookery programmes on telly?

[adityasam]

Yes I do. I jot down the recepies, but the problem is I never cook.

Why do we have regulators for fans?

[Pendragon]

It just regulations! Duh!

Why do we call 65 hot in the summer and cold in the winter?

[dafydd manton]

Same reason as we always talk about hot days in Fahrenheit (It's 80 degrees!!) and cold ones in Celsius (It's minus 4).

Why do we believe weather forecasts?

[adityasam]

So as to show some due respect to the forecasters who earn a living from it.

Why do we build houses?

[dafydd manton]

To shelter us when the weather forecasters get it wrong again.

Why is reality TV so unreal?

[adityasam]

Because it's behind the scenes!

Why are we called earthlings?

[Pendragon]

Ahem... terrains, I believe

Why do we think people from Mars would be green?

[EJMathews]

Because it's the opposite of red and Mars is the red planet.

What other color would they be?

[adityasam]

They like Magenta and hence they took the first two letter to name their planet.

Why do we have other planets?

[prendrelemick]

To give Holst the inspiration for his planet suite.



If music be the food of love, what's for afters?

[dafydd manton]

Bitterness.

Was the Green Goddess actually green?

[Pendragon]

Chartreuse, actually

If the ancients had a God or Goddess for everything, why did they skip common sense?

[dafydd manton]

There was a god of common sense - absentius!

What do tortoises do, if they get an itchy back?

[adityasam]

They try to react, but they react so slow that they die.

Why are there boot laces for boots?

[EJMathews]

Because otherwise they'd fall off or you'd have to glue them on and that could be tricky getting them off later.

Why do butterflies have absolutely nothing to do with butter?

[adityasam]

Actually forefathers had butter sumptuously!

Why do we have a CPU, instead of a direct monitor and keyboard (and a mouse of course)?

[Pendragon]

Without a Cheap Processing Unit (CPU) you'd get to the internet much more quickly and might die of a porn overdose

Why do we call jail time "cruel and unusual punishment"?

[dafydd manton]

Because it is cruel and unusual to take a man away from all his problems, accomodate him for nothing, clothe him, feed him, train him for whatever he wishes to be trained, encourage him, cosset him, give him entertainment, and let him watch some other poor so-and-so trying to eke out a living and failing, but paying taxes for the privilege.

Why do they sill insist on shouting "mind the doors" on the Tube, when we've had doors for thousands of years, and know preciesly what they do?

[adityasam]

So that the doors won't get bored!

Why does the clock tick?

[neilgee]

Because non-stop tocking would get on your nerves after awhile.

Why do cats stray?

[dafydd manton]

Because they are so embarrassed about the thing round their necks saying "Tiddles, 47 Gasworks Lane, S****horpe", they pretend not to know where they live.

Why is "hunting pink" red?

[Pendragon]

It is an attempt to prove that animals are not colorblind

Why do mermaids always have the bottom half of a fish, rather than the top half?

[dafydd manton]

Because something with a fishes head and varicose veins wouldn't look that fantastic - or, indeed, fintastic!

With all the various forms of coummunication (Facebook, Twitter, Forums, Telephones, Mobiles et al) why is almost impossible to get hold of people?

[Hawkman]

Because everyone is calling everyone else all the time of course.

How do they make Scotch Eggs, anyway?

[dafydd manton]

They feed the chickens phenomenal quantities of sausage-meat, then wait.....and wait.... and wait..

Shouldn't the Pope's job be hereditary?

[prendrelemick]

Only if legitimate candidates can't be found.


Its very nice, but is it Art?

[neilgee]

If Tracey Emmen's unmade bed is "art" then anything is, I guess.

Why do they call language a "barrier"?

[adityasam]

Just like an oil barrier, if we spill a few wrong words, it may lead to a problem.

Why do the stock markets sway up and down?

[Pendragon]

Side to side might bust the market

Why does the tide come in twice a day?

[dafydd manton]

Because if it only did it once a day, it might forget the way.

Why do we say "See you" to someone we patently obviously aren't going to see?

[neilgee]

It's all to do with the hypnotic rhythm of the tides and the pull of the moon

Why is the sky blue?

[dafydd manton]

Because if it wan't, all those phots in holiday brochures that make places like Blackpool look attractive would look silly, and if it was pink, it'd look even sillier.

Why are women so ******* contrary?

[Pendragon]

They have to work twice as hard to reach the level of an contrary man...

Why do people go on vacation just to complain?

[dafydd manton]

Because it gives them something different to complain about. (I was once stuck at Amsterdam airport for 5 hours, got lumbered with this terrible woman from Manchester, you know the type - size 6 feet, size 3 shoes, too much jewellery, who complained that she'd been to Africa and it was HOT!! She then came out with the all time Boring Brit Abroad line - "and you can't get a decent cup of tea". When I started to chat with an airman from the German Air Force, in German, if looks could have killed, I'd have been buried in Holland!)

If flying is so safe, how come the guy selling Life Insurance at the airport does such a roaring trade?

[snowdrop17]

Flying is safe until OTHERS are aboard the plane and YOU are walking on earth.

Why are there traffic lights?

[adityasam]

People go out to find flashy things and so there are traffic lights!

Why do we create websites?

[dafydd manton]

To confuse the colour-blind, who otherwise don't get much in the way of mental stimulus.

If we are what we eat, why am I so fond of nuts?

[snowdrop17]

Perhaps you still don't know who you are.

Why a computer mouse has no tail?

[dafydd manton]

So it doesn't get mistaken for a rat.

is it the alcohol that gives rats those pink eyes?

[LMK]

No it's their tight underwear

Why does a potato have eyes?

[dafydd manton]

All chips off the old block do.

What happened to that turtle that was holding the world up, when it retired?

[snowdrop17]

It went to hell.

Why a coconut tree has no branch?

[LMK]

After the tires were repaired he was fine and is still holding up the world. (timing issue with post, this goes with the turtle re-tire)



OK, Coconut trees have no branches because of all the francise paper work involved.

Why are there locks on stores that are opened 24 hours a day?

[dafydd manton]

In the same way that I'm not European....yet.

Why do we talk about Tex/Mex foods, when there's a dirty great barrier between the two?

[LMK]

In the same way that I'm not European....yet.

Why do we talk about Tex/Mex foods, when there's a dirty great barrier between the two?

It adds flavor, like a martini dirty

Why do we ask why?

[Pendragon]

In order to frustrate those in the know

Why do the Scholarly Males affect what is call "academically long hair"?

[dafydd manton]

To hide the fact that, on top, they are going bald.

that's a point though, why do men go bald, and women don't ?

[aliengirl]

Because men have beard and women don't have.

Why do women use make up?

[LMK]

Because when they make down it's simply hopeless

Why do we cut down trees and pull up grass and wildflowers to build buildings then put trees or flower pots around them, sometimes in them?

[neilgee]

Florist's need to make a living too, you know.

Why do people say "pinch me, I'm dreaming", if the dream was that good wouldn't you want it to continue?

[EJMathews]

Because if they said "shoot me" and someone did, it could get ugly fast.

Why are flying saucers not accompanied by cups or tea pots?

[Delta40]

they are. My wife makes no distinction

why does sitting in the same position make your feet go numb?

[Pendragon]

Your butt needs the sympathy.

Why do wolves have such a bad rep?

[dafydd manton]

It's mostly the bad breath, but a lack of communication skills doesn't help.. Also, they're rubbish at flower-arranging.

[prendrelemick]

They also are capable of really baad rap, man!


Why why why, Delilah?

[Pendragon]

Because, because, because Samson!

Why do people buy "books" on tape?

[dafydd manton]

Because of the green green grass of home, and the valley was also green.

Back to Unidentified Flying Objects - once you'e identified it as such, what should you call it?

[dafydd manton]

Because the book is propping up the table leg.

Why isn't blancmange always white?

[Maryd.]

Because people tend to sneeze on it as they make it... (Ewww... Even I hate that answer)

Why is the grass alway greener on the other side of the fence?

[prendrelemick]

It isn't, it's the grass on this side of the fence that's browner.


Why do birds suddenly appear, everytime you are near?

[adityasam]

They like surprising people!

Why do we listen to songs?

[Pendragon]

Boredom

Why are young folks constantly bored with all there is to do?

[dafydd manton]

Because teenagers already know everything......hire on today!!

Why do they prescribe drugs with side-effects that make you feel worse than the original illness?

[adityasam]

Most doctors concentrate on the main effect rather than the side-effect!!!

Why is speed measured in kmph mostly?

[neilgee]

It's because of an ancient but strict law foisted on the world by Winston Churchill in 1945.

Which is the right way up?

[dafydd manton]

THAT way....no...not that one, the other. No, the right was wrong, the left was right, right. The opposite.......oh never mind, the insurance will pay.

Since the word Sterling denotes excellence, why do we use it to describe our currency?

[BibliophileTRJ]

These days the financial systems are so wacky that they will soon be be dropping the "T" out of Sterling so that it will now refer to the host of "The Twilight Zone".
(Rod Serling)

How do you get to Carnegie Hall?

[Maryd.]

From Australia... You chuck a right... Then left... Then right... and back again... That should get you nowhere.

How to you get to my place?