Subscribe for ad free access & additional features for teachers. Authors: 267, Books: 3,607, Poems & Short Stories: 4,435, Forum Members: 71,154, Forum Posts: 1,238,602, Quizzes: 344

Helping the Armenians

The financial affairs of the parish church up at Doogalville
have been getting rather into a tangle in the last six
months. The people of the church were specially anxious
to do something toward the general public subscription
of the town on behalf of the unhappy Armenians, and to
that purpose they determined to devote the collections
taken up at a series of special evening services. To give
the right sort of swing to the services and to stimulate
generous giving, they put a new pipe organ into the
church. In order to make a preliminary payment on the
organ, it was decided to raise a mortgage on the parsonage.

To pay the interest on the mortgage, the choir of the
church got up a sacred concert in the town hall.

To pay for the town hall, the Willing Workers' Guild held
a social in the Sunday school. To pay the expenses of
the social, the rector delivered a public lecture on
"Italy and Her Past," illustrated by a magic lantern.
To pay for the magic lantern, the curate and the ladies
of the church got up some amateur theatricals.

Finally, to pay for the costumes for the theatricals,
the rector felt it his duty to dispense with the curate.

So that is where the church stands just at present. What
they chiefly want to do, is to raise enough money to buy
a suitable gold watch as a testimonial to the curate.
After that they hope to be able to do something for the
Armenians. Meantime, of course, the Armenians, the ones
right there in the town, are getting very troublesome.
To begin with, there is the Armenian who rented the
costumes for the theatricals: he has to be squared. Then
there is the Armenian organ dealer, and the Armenian who
owned the magic lantern. They want relief badly.

The most urgent case is that of the Armenian who holds
the mortgage on the parsonage; indeed it is generally
felt in the congregation, when the rector makes his
impassioned appeals at the special services on behalf of
the suffering cause, that it is to this man that he has
special reference.

In the meanwhile the general public subscription is not
getting along very fast; but the proprietor of the big
saloon further down the street and the man with the short
cigar that runs the Doogalville Midway Plaisance have
been most liberal in their contributions.

Stephen Leacock