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Boarding-House Geometry

DEFINITIONS AND AXIOMS

All boarding-houses are the same boarding-house.

Boarders in the same boarding-house and on the same flat
are equal to one another.

A single room is that which has no parts and no magnitude.

The landlady of a boarding-house is a parallelogram--that
is, an oblong angular figure, which cannot be described,
but which is equal to anything.

A wrangle is the disinclination of two boarders to each
other that meet together but are not in the same line.

All the other rooms being taken, a single room is said
to be a double room.


POSTULATES AND PROPOSITIONS

A pie may be produced any number of times.

The landlady can be reduced to her lowest terms by a
series of propositions.

A bee line may be made from any boarding-house to any
other boarding-house.

The clothes of a boarding-house bed, though produced ever
so far both ways, will not meet.

Any two meals at a boarding-house are together less than
two square meals.

If from the opposite ends of a boarding-house a line be
drawn passing through all the rooms in turn, then the
stovepipe which warms the boarders will lie within that
line.

On the same bill and on the same side of it there should
not be two charges for the same thing.

If there be two boarders on the same flat, and the amount
of side of the one be equal to the amount of side of the
other, each to each, and the wrangle between one boarder
and the landlady be equal to the wrangle between the
landlady and the other, then shall the weekly bills of
the two boarders be equal also, each to each.

For if not, let one bill be the greater.

Then the other bill is less than it might have been--which
is absurd.

Stephen Leacock