Litnet's version of Devil's dictionary

[Calidore]

Illegal: Fun for some

Reboot: To kick again

Immoral

[m2vihand]

Immoral: writes in this game, it being the Devil's dictionary

Endurance

[Pendragon]

Endurance The amount of time you sit in a Doctor's office, between the time of your appointment and the time you actually see the Doctor. This can stretch into hours...

Patience The ability to endure (see above) without cursing and stamping out or offering violence to the Doctor, the Nurses, and the entire office staff

Confinement

[MatthewFarlow]

Oh, so that's why they call you the patient.

Still Confinement.

[Calidore]

Still Confinement: Burial

Sorry, couldn't resist.

Encryption: Burial

Cinema

[Pendragon]

Cinema British for "Movies"

Bloody

[MystyrMystyry]

Bloody - Japo-Joycian expression (comb. brood and moody) as spoken with transliteration


Gibberish

[YesNo]

Gibberish What one's political opponents can't stop talking.

Default

[Pendragon]

Default De thing what makes you guilty

Depart De white line down de middle of de hair

Depot De people what ain't rich

Rabble

[Pendragon]

Rabble The right of the people to peacefully gather and then quickly turn into a riot

Fool

[aliengirl]

Fool - 1. One's boss, superior, supervisor etc.
2. One who is not what he appears to be

Friendship-

[Pendragon]

Friendship Fragile thread that connects two or more persons


Fool One whose unenlightened vision does not agree with my superior version

Cursing

[Astromaxis]

Cursing: serious gratification of an infantile obsession thus relieving prior stages of RBC development where nucleus was present sans depression.

radar

[Pendragon]

radar Tool of Big Brother for the harassment of motorists who are minding their own business. So what if they drive a little fast?

Telephone

[MatthewFarlow]

Telephone - A device designed to make the deaf feel out of the loop.

Gallery

[Calidore]

Gallery: A display of women.

Defibrillate: To catch a lie after it no longer matters

Mathematics

[logophile]

Mathematics (n): The reason you hated Senior [high] school.

Non-fiction

[Pendragon]

[Non-fiction An account of a real event, real life person, history, etc. more or less distorted by the author to reflect his or her feelings about how things really happened or the person really lived their life...

News

[Astromaxis]

News: ways to make people believe of remote places possessing destructive weaponry so others can feel good about themselves for being targets. Also make people greedier than ever.

freedom

[Laura_Azharia]

Freedom is an illusion given by the wealthy which prevents humanity from feeling underprivileged.

[Laura_Azharia]

Carpet

[Pendragon]

Carpet Commonly a bed for the drunkard, a standing place for those deemed guilty of something (i.e.. call on the carpet), and the dog or other pet's bathroom. Also that that a woman always thinks needs changing and that a man always claims is just fine the way it is.

Backwoods

[MystyrMystyry]

Backwoods - a town in the Hillbilly Mountain Range named after a feudin' family who won the land after Uncle Jessy Rightwoods beat his cousin Scotty Leftwoods at an arm wrestle. It was later lost in a bet over a game of drafts by Grandmammy Sissy Frontwoods, and thence reverted to Pappy Dougie Backwoods in her long and drawn out and virtually indecipherable will (something about moonshine still and a jug band, and few illegible bits, signed with an X)


Cottage Cheese

[Pendragon]

Cottage Cheese Essentially spoiled milk curd, which is as awful as it sounds but eaten in the thousands of gallons by folks who wish to loose weight, possibly by losing their lunch/dinner/snack

Public Speaking

[Nikhar]

Public Speaking:- Varies with the situation-

Strongest form of anesthesia, when the speaking entity is a chief guest at school function.

A sugar-coated world of make believe, when the speaking entity is a politician.

Outright ridiculous, when the speaking entity is Baba Ramdev.


Newspaper:-

[Laura_Azharia]

Newspaper: a cheap printed tool of aristocrats which keeps the majority unknowing, thus keeping them in darkness.

Internet

[Pendragon]

Internet Contrary to popular opinion, the Internet is not just a place to see porn, it just makes it easier for all the sickos out there...

Pervert

[Pendragon]

Pervert
One whose low morals do not adhere to your own high standards


Crazy

[Pendragon]

Crazy
A state of mind that I have trouble comprehending, and since I am not crazy, the one in this state of mind must be...

Responsible

[jajdude]

Responsible - What an adult likes to thinks he is, and what he thinks others should be.

Shaving

[Hawkman]

The habit of maintaining 4 day's stubble on a man's face.

relationship

[Pendragon]

relationship When two people find that their annoying habits do not get on each other's nerves

Loser

[Hawkman]

Someone who finds their partner's annoying habits so anoying that they get on their nerves.

Misanthrope

[Jack of Hearts]

Misanthrope- Jack of Hearts' seventh grade teacher.



existentialism




J

[jajdude]

Existentialism - A confusing word that can lead to madness. Best avoided.

Pressure

[Calidore]

Pressure: A beneficial force that brings about wine from grapes, diamonds from carbon, and action from apathy.

Seersucker: Philosophy of a man who's never met a woman he didn't like.

Polarity

[Pendragon]

Polarity Measure of popularity in the elections in Poland, but like all kinds of polarity, it has a tendency to swing between extremes...


Vote

[XQZ]

Vote is from the Latin veto vitae, where those who were against Caesar becoming Emperor were flung by catapult into the Tiber


Catapult

[Hawkman]

A cat skin coat.

Fetish

[jajdude]

Fetish - 1. A sick desire other people have
2. A bit overweight

Laziness

[Hawkman]

The prevainling state of mind for someone who is an Idol.

Ikon

[MystyrMystyry]

Ikon - a type and brand of camera that ensures the wielder takes very classy photographs indeed, unless they are a


Tool

[Pendragon]

Tool Any invention that is supposed to make life easier, but actually complicates things. Ex: Silas McCormick's Reaper. It made the reaping easier up until the time it first broke down. By then people had either forgot how to reap crops by hand, or else they felt they didn't have to, that the reaper would be fixed, and if not in time to harvest the crops, too bad. The same goes with computers today...


Conventional Wisdom

[Pendragon]

Conventional Wisdom Two or more pieces of contradictory advice contained in the same sentence.

Hell

[MystyrMystyry]

Hell - that which is so jaw droppingly ghastly that the surprised utterance of 'Hello?' is cut short before the second syllable by an involuntary gagging


Brimstone

[Pendragon]

Brimstone Sulfur. As it is commonly believed to be a major component of hellfire, the blue flames it gives off are said to indicate ghosts, and according to Bram Stoker's Dracula, to indicate hidden treasure on Walpurgis Night, (May Eve), one of the four great witch's sabbaths every year. Most of this has the same oder of decay that sulfur itself gives off...


Vampire

[Pendragon]

Vampire One whom, having lost all or his/her life's blood designs to use involuntary doners. Some are taken into the Vampire coven by being deliberately changed by another vampire, some through suicide (considered by many an "unpardonable sin"), and some by making deals with the Devil. Possibly an extinct species, but one never knows. "There are more things in heaven and earth..."

Werewolf

[Pendragon]

Werewolf One so affected by the full moon as to switch bodies with a monster and eat human flesh

Cannibal

[Pendragon]

Cannibal a person who would love to have you for dinner, preferably with fava beans and a nice chianti...

Ghoul

[MystyrMystyry]

Ghoul - How ghosts describe something they like:

Ghost One: 'Hey, you seen that movie Ghost? It's like subzero.'

Ghost Two: 'You mean like really ghoul?'

Ghost Three: 'I saw it and thought it was complete rubbish. Wonder what happened to the actor who played the ghost..?'

Ghost One: 'I'm right here...'


Dark Side

[Pendragon]

Dark Side The burnt side of the toast due to a misfire in the toaster every time YOU try to use it, as opposed by when anyone else uses it!

Fear

[MystyrMystyry]

Fear - an incidental side-effect of being alive and becoming aware that everyone and everything is out for your blood, from itchy bugs to plague rats to wash basin germs to airborne disease to trucks with mysterious drivers (actually I'd like to see that again...). No one is safe! Do not leave your house! Lock your doors and windows! Arm yourself with a steel rake! Head for the hills! They're coming!


Nightmare

[Pendragon]

Nightmare A case of fear (see above) that happens when you are asleep, further proving the point made in the above post: you are not even safe when you are asleep...

Halloween

[PoeticPassions]

Halloween: a celebration in which adults pretend it is all about kids, but instead use the day as an excuse to drink a lot, eat candy, dress slutty (or cross-dress), and act like an idiot without being judged by others.

Costume

[Pendragon]

Costume Clothing too hideous to wear without a mask or face paint to conceal one's identity, so basically most of the outfits in a "fashion show"

Masquerade

[Hawkman]

A non alcoholic beverage served at a ball.

Agnostic

[Pendragon]

Agnostic Unable to decide for one's self about the existence or non-existence of God, astride the fence, playing all the angles, etc.

Atheist One who believes only in quantifiable evidence, thus an inability to comprehend the existence of a higher power

Believer

[cacian]

believer
someone who feels the need to cling to something to someone but does not question the idea or the sentiment he or she is constancly clung to.

ANGER

[Pendragon]

ANGER The second stage of grief, and often the actual cause of said grief

fabulous

[cacian]

fabulous
a stream of sparkly ideas specific to one's mind.

REPETITION

[Calidore]

Repetition: The act of repetition

Breakfast

[Pendragon]

Breakfast while this refers to the first meal of the day, it could actually be lunch or supper, depending on how lazy one is, or how much one has had to drink the previous night

Drunken

[cacian]

DRUNKEN:
alcohol consumption gone overboard.

FLIRT

[Pendragon]

FLIRT An innocent caress with the eyes if this refers to you, personally. If it refers to your spouse, the blatant disregard for marital status, if not the horny stare of a sexual predator

Divorce

[cacian]

haha.....at the FLIRT definition


DIVORCE
paper mashee too many errors repeat relationhip somewhere else OVER

ARAMADA

[Pendragon]

ARAMADA A large flotilla of navy ships which doesn't always turn out so well, such as The Spanish Armada in July 1588, and the USA navel fleet at Pearl Harbor, December 7, 1941...

Coward

[cacian]

COWARD
well one may say the word begin with cow, so I'll leave that out for I like dairy milk, and ARD is now left to suggest that it might missing another word like a T.
so it would write TARD which is part of RETARD.
There you go one can say that one is related to the other.

CRUNCH

[Pendragon]

CRUNCH Sound that indicates you have found your dropped contacts/glasses, and now are in worse shape because of it

Cheat

[cacian]

CHEAT a mind of its own, or just lust in loss.

GOSSIP

[Pendragon]

GOSSIP One who speaks without clear knowledge concerning people he or she doesn't really know well, of deeds alleged to have happened, embellishing the same with a thin veneer of "what might have really happened"

Fact

[cacian]

Fact a collection of words that sound a truth only the eye can forsee.


CONTEST

[Pendragon]

CONTEST A common type of brawl wherein people show their true colors, namely that greed makes them idiots

popular

[jajdude]

Popular - A feeling craved by the insecure. Otherwise, well-liked.

Winter

[Pendragon]

Winter In my general area, the time when the sound of tires spinning in the snow replaces the sound of tires shrieking because someone is driving like a blamed fool

Postal

[MatthewFarlow]

Postal: adjective used to describe something slow-moving, i.e. a postal service.

Lust

[Teritus]

Lust: A passionate or overmastering desire or craving.

Logic

[Pendragon]

Logic Belief that everything has a rational explanation even when one cannot say what that explanation is at the present

ghost

[jajdude]

ghost - the thing that no one has seen but all imagine

dreams

[Pendragon]

dreams
1. The ethereal night visions that amuse and sometimes terrify the sleeper.

2: Building castles in the air while doing nothing or making any effort to make them real.

3: Staring off into space like a moon calf, insuring that other people will think you a moron

cologne

[cacian]

cologne: a perfume made in Cologne might not be to everyone's taste.


BARON

[Pendragon]

Baron ~ A person of much pomp and circumstance despite being a member of the lowest grade of nobility, some beloved servants have more status than that afforded a lowly Baron or Baroness...

Aristocratic

[cacian]

Aristocratic: blueblooded upper class/nobility

CRUISE

[Pendragon]

CRUISE To take a pretentious voyage on a passenger ship designed to make you make a total fool of yourself

2)(Said of teenagers:) To drive aimlessly around and around in a pathetic effort to look cool when there's nothing else to do.

3) To go to bars in the hope of finding someone with questionable morals to hook up with


Bigshot

[Calidore]

Bigshot: Catapult boulder

Eggnog

[Pendragon]

eggnog Christmas dairy product that is brought to a party in full expectation that someone will "spike" it with liquor making it much more tasty


Gifts

[Pendragon]

Gifts Obligatory items brought to others at Christmas and birthdays in the hope of receiving the same

Hypocrisy

[aliengirl]

Hypocrisy - 1. The principle on which our political, and social structures work.
2. The quality of not calling a spade a 'spade' which makes you very popular in friends' circle.

Happiness-

[Pendragon]

Happiness A quality that cannot be bought, borrowed, nor stolen, yet it can be shared


New Years

[sadparadise]

New Year n, The first days of the calendar year when people set a resolution to start treating there fellow man better but, after the Holiday cheer has worn off return to business as usual.

reality

[Pendragon]

reality The nasty now and now that keeps us longing for the sweet by and by

Cynic

[Whifflingpin]

Cynic - a contributor to a Devil's Dictionary

dog lover:

[Pendragon]

dog lover A person under the misconception that he or she actually "owns" a dog. No one "owns" a dog, they would cheerfully help someone rob your house, or get violent with you, as long as there was a dog treat involved. If your dog doesn't fit this description, you are fortunate, but you still do not "own" a dog. If anything, the dog "owns" you!

Agoraphobia

[cafolini]

Agoraphobia: A new catalog for any panic or slightest anxiety outside a cell.

Cantata

[Pendragon]

Cantata Song sang out of tune by a person with great lung capacity while accompanied on some musical instrument by a local madman who doesn't understand music. See: National Anthem

Insane

[aliengirl]

Insane- The misunderstood genius.


Prodigy

[tonywalt]

Prodigy - A child who masters a skill or skill well before maturity, in fact too far before maturity.

Icon

[aliengirl]

Icon- The person whom everyone looks up to in reverence and worship but who is too honest to cheat others. Hence indulges in disgraceful activities and lo, down comes 'icon', candles, and all.

Gypsy

[tonywalt]

Gypsy - Someone of the Romani ethnic group. Interesting people...

Diva

[Pendragon]

Diva Person who goes ballistic over the tiniest of problems, also known as a "Drama Queen"

Boring

[tonywalt]

Boring - So hard to define, best example would be Paris Hilton speaking.

Exciting

[Pendragon]

Exciting An absolute thrill to the person to who a thing happens, or something that they enjoy immensely. Often not so much to others...

Dangerous

[Pendragon]

Dangerous of ideas, radically opposed to my own enlightened opinion

Panache

[tonywalt]

Panache - Flamboyant and somewhat reckless manner that compensates for intelligence and is often confused with it as well.

Populist

[Pendragon]

Populist n. Political Being of the people, by the people, and for the people while simultaneously working against the people

Avid

[Pendragon]

Avid Strange eldritch things that are pursued by different people, for different purposes. Avid Hunter, Avid Reader, Avid Sports Fan, Avid Politician, etc. are several groups of Avid madness.

eldritch

[MystyrMystyry]

eldritch - a weird word, weirder than weird, so weirder than weird that it needed it's own weird word, a weirder than weird word, which normal people never use even if they're writing something weird because as a word it's too weird. Bad Science Fiction authors tend to over use it in an attempt to emphasise how weird their story is, but it never works because you think: 'Ah - he's chosen that weird word to emphasise how weird his story is!' which tends to kill the moment.

Weird.


phenomenon

[Pendragon]

phenomenon That which is considered spectacular by one person, and humdrum to another, such as the phenomenon of ghosts, UFOs, aliens, ESP, and such stuff, gospel to believers, nonsense to the more enlightened...

Money

[aliengirl]

money - the force that drives and controls the world.

fame

[Pendragon]

fame A fifteen minute stretch in an otherwise mundane life where one does something memorable.

Notorious

[MystyrMystyry]

Notorious - a compulsive yet thoroughly lazy diarist. Where the traditional obsessive note taker would take notes of every tedious detail of their day to day, this misguided chump insists people do the note-taking for him, but so as to encourage people to write about him various underhand tactics are employed, which often result in a separate division of note takers to take notice - the journalists, police, senior detectives, and court stenographers amongst them.


Diarist

[Pendragon]

Diarist One who feels compelled to record his or her daily humdrum for posterity, with complete failure to realize that posterity couldn't care less


Descendants

[Calidore]

Descendants: Skydivers

Genuflect

[tonywalt]

Genuflect to touch or bend the knee to the ground in repect or worship. Typically done by kiss a@@ people desperate for recognition from people of undeserved position or title.

Royalty -

[Pendragon]

Royalty Those who claim it is their divine right to be a pompous @ss, as opposed to all of those who do it just because

Posh

[BookBeauty]

Posh- A trait of the superfluously meticulous in the way of clothes, fashion, and hair styles.

Genome

[Pendragon]

Genome All the inheritable traits of ones ancestors, whom one soon discovers were a bunch of loons

Farce

[Pendragon]

Farce In politics, a elephant of one color and a donkey of the same

Location

[MystyrMystyry]

Location - In terms of human endeavor an exceedingly important factor, so important that they named this factor thrice: Location Location Location being the full phrase and Location being the jovial reduction for all those whose dreams didn't quite come true.

The first Location would be The Orient. The second Location The Himalayas. The third Location The Peak.

'So, did you climb Everest this afternoon Brian?'

'Unfortunately not - I only had one Location'

'What do you mean?'

'I'd rather not talk about it.'



Disappointment

[Pendragon]

Disappointment Natural state of human beings, caused by lofty thinking of things beyond parallel. Direct result of such actions as pushing one's luck, jumping to conclusions, failure to look before one leaps, and building castles in the air.

Manifest

[Pendragon]

Manifest

1. Good excuse for expanding a Nation's territory at the expense of the Native population, i.e., manifest destiny

2. List of items submitted for insurance claims, often with no bearing on reality, i.e., shipping manifest

3. Likely as not, especially in courts of law, i.e., "The defendant's guilt was manifest."

LAWYER

[BookBeauty]

LAWYER An accountant of the law which, although should be acting for the benefit of the people, is an individual often and sadly synonymous with the word 'liar' due, in part, to being motivated by monetary gain.

Kitten

[Pendragon]

Kitten According to Ogdan Nash: "The trouble with a kitten is that eventually it becomes a cat"

President

[Pendragon]

President In the USA, a deranged person who fights tooth and nail to be elected to a thankless job, where he or she will spend the next four to eight years being ridiculed while opponents air his or her dirty laundry, unearth skeletons from his or her closet, and sometimes plant a few bodies to frame him or her. Who would want such a job?

Job

[BookBeauty]

Job - In modern society, a means in which to acquire useless currency that can be traded to obtain valuable resources essential to survival.

School

[Hawkman]

School A place where disaffected teenagers practice their marksmanship.

Government

[Pendragon]

Government Political crapshoot with both hands playing against the middle using loaded dice!

Music

[BookBeauty]

Music The food of love. Play on!

Smoker

[Pendragon]

Smoker Fire on one end of a small, white cylinder, with a fool on the other end!

Sarcasm

[Nikhar]

Sarcasm:- The Devil's Dictionary

Tears:-

[aliengirl]

Tears: A woman's most fatal weapon

Friends:

[aliengirl]

....................

[thetruedryer]

Friends: individuals who have no people skills, blather on about their problems, and steal your keys for a scavenger hunt.

Semantics

[Hawkman]

A collective noun for a species of parasitic mite that searches for meaning in the pubic thatch of crabby sailors.

Matriarch

[Astromaxis]

Matriarch the female warrior fighting off blasted misogynist archetypes

gymnast

[Pendragon]

Gymnast Woman or man who flips and spins at great speed using a variety of props. A obstacle course training for public servants.

VETO

[Hawkman]

The lowest point in a veterinarian's career.

Gangrene.

[Calidore]

An army of frogs.

Football

[Hawkman]

A social event for one legged dancers.

Anger

[Calidore]

A device for 'anging one's coat.

Buffet

[Hawkman]

The disturbance you feel when impacted by a piece of food in a bun-fight.

Toggle

[Astromaxis]

Toggle the body expression expressing that you are in paradox with yourself as in you can't decide which way to go; left or right

pantomime

[Hawkman]

An entertainment involving cross dressing, children and sweets. It invariably involves a chorus of, "he's behind you!"

Opera

[Silas Thorne]

Opera An event where people like to attend to celebrate their ignorance in a prestigious foreign language. More status in society will be given to those who can sit through one of the longest of these events, Wagner's 'Ring Cycle,' while having no knowledge of the language it is performed in.


Gonorrhea

[Hawkman]

Ok, I've made the connection! Gonorrhoea is a likely consequence of indulging in activities of an intimate nature with a stranger because of boredom resulting from prolonged exposure to Wagner's Ring Cycle.

Catastrophe

[Silas Thorne]

ah, I've updated, as a consequence of editing my original reply to pantomime, which you beat me to. :)

But if you can link the two together, feel free. :)

[Hawkman]

I too have amended my post in order to make the connection...

[Silas Thorne]

:) Excellent work!

Catastrophe A catastrophe is a group of poetic lines which destroy all the logic, coherence and rhythmic harmony of the lines immediately preceding them. Often accompanied by cacophony.

Illuminati

[Silas Thorne]

An entertainment involving cross dressing, children and sweets. It invariably involves a chorus of, "he's behind you!"



This is a terrific definition of pantomime, by the way!

[Calidore]

Illuminati: The secret cabal actually responsible for the popular shift from incandescent light bulbs to CFL.

Futon

[Silas Thorne]

Futon A small village in England. Often called the martial arts centre of the world.


Scallop

[Hawkman]

What a horse does on Ice.

Melody

[Hawkman]

This is a terrific definition of pantomime, by the way!

Thanks :devil:

[jajdude]

Melody - something to do with music, or a stripper's name.

Blitz

[Hawkman]

Attacking someone by squeezing zits at them.

Ghost.

[Silas Thorne]

Ghost A movie with Patrick Swayze which contains necrophiliac pottery porn and the soundtrack for the Fallout video game franchise.

Lemmings

[Hawkman]

A species of rodent subjected to an attempt at genocide by Walt Disney.

Ocarina

[Calidore]

An ancient Asian line dance, popular at weddings.

Jig

[Silas Thorne]

Jig A term used frequently in the scientology movement, meaning to have intercourse with someone. Referenced in the Will Smith song 'Getting Jiggy with it'

Grapes

[Hawkman]

Ammunition for a cannon.

Pringle

[Astromaxis]

chips

slice

[Hawkman]

What you get when you try to play golf using a loaf of bread.

Puddle

[aliengirl]

Clouds' waste matter (as defined by a four year old)

Visionary

[Hawkman]

A dangerous radical who wants to change the world (not necessarily for the better)

Modernist

[MystyrMystyry]

Modernist Far-sighted historian or short-sighted Futurist

Expressionist

[Hawkman]

A mime artist with Tourette's

Greebo

[Hawkman]

A ring of greebs.

Psychologist

[Calidore]

One who specializes in psyching people out.

Candyman

[Hawkman]

Someone who gives toothless smiles.

Lexicographer

[Calidore]

Writer of Lex Luthor's life story.

Defenestrate

[OnePlus]

Defenestrate: 'La Defense' Street in Germany.

Armistice

[Calidore]

Armistice: When everyone needs time to reload.

Happenstance

[Hawkman]

The deportment of a politician straddling a fence.

Academic

[Silas Thorne]

A person who, through years or training, finds it difficult to answer even a yes or no question with a single word.

Gangrene

[Pompey Bum]

Gangrene: The point in one's corporal existence in which the leg and knee both claim to have broken off the relationship first.

Retirement:

[MystyrMystyry]

Retirement State of waking, brewing a coffee, making breakfast, getting ready for work, and upon realising it's 3.30am, going back to bed


Grouchy

[Pompey Bum]

Grouchy: One of the seven dwarves of late adulthood: Grouchy, Couchy, Cynical, Clinical, Shabby, Flabby, and Impotent

Fiction:

[Ecurb]

Fiction: A standardized system of pronunciation in which "D"s are pronounced and written like "F"s.

Satire:

[Pendragon]

Satire: Lampooning politely. Otherwise it would be called "Blasphemy", "Treason", or something else!

Crotchety

[Hawkman]

A colloquial term for an infestation of pubic lice.

Linguistic

[DieterM]

Linguistic: Italian anti-perspirant roll-on with pasta fragrances

cinnamon

[Pompey Bum]

Cinnamon: A spice pleasant to the palate but ultimately causing damnation. (See "mortal cinnamon").

Philanthropy:

[Pendragon]

Philanthropy: The acting of giving away money only after you reach the top by stepping ruthlessly on everyone on the way up. see also "Conscience"

President

[Pompey Bum]

President: An executive officer whose power is checked by incompetence.

Unicorn

[Hawkman]

A genetically modified cereal.

Polyp

[Pompey Bum]

Polyp: Proof that a colonoscopy can get even better.

Bank

[Pendragon]

Bank: An institution that uses your savings deposits to lend to shaky customers who have poor judgement, in hopes of a Government Bailout over such practices. Also an institution you have trusted with your money in checking and savings accounts and probably even have one of their credit cards but who don't know you when you try to cash a check or, God forbid, ask for a loan!

Debt

[Pompey Bum]

Debt: A social contract in which freedom is exchanged for the means to education, the means to marry, the means to raise children, the means to drive to work (necessitated in the first place by debt), the means to provide you and your family with health insurance, the means to retirement, and the means to be buried. It's not at all like being shackled to an oar. Unless you default.

Gorilla:

[Pendragon]

Gorilla: According to Darwin, a hirsute silver-backed simian with a bad temper descended from a common ancestor with man

Revenge:

[Pompey Bum]

Gorilla: According to Darwin, a hirsute silver-backed simian with a bad temper descended from a common ancestor with man

But per Ellie Mae, "Jess a critter up t'the seement pond."


Revenge:

The act of casting sewage at an industrial fan for knocking your hat off; all the while muttering, "Oh boy! This is gonna be great!"

Massage therapy

[Calidore]

Massage therapy: As good a euphemism as any

Euphemism

[Pendragon]

Euphemism: Polite cussing, such as gosh-darn it all to heck! or what the frack do you think you're doing, jerk?

Foul Language

[Calidore]

Foul language: Assorted clucks, quacks, and ****-a-doodle-does

Mellifluous

[Pompey Bum]

Mellifluous: An adjective associated with some bees and most birds in the presence of the right stinger.

Monogamous

[Pendragon]

Monogamous: Having enough sense to only have one spouse.

Monotonous:

[Pompey Bum]

Monotonous: See monogamous.

Tuition

[Pendragon]

Tuition: Money used for collage which insures you start your career already in arrears...

Ivy League:

[YesNo]

Ivy League: What happens when you are too environmental to use weed killer.

Cash Flow

[Hawkman]

1. An avalanche of money disappearing through the unstoppered plug holes in your bank account. Has been known to be fatal in some cases. 2. a barricade of frozen assets.

Apoplexy

[Pompey Bum]

Apoplexy: A quality of statesmanship on par with that of the great Julius Seizure.

Mythic:

[Pendragon]

Mythic: Considered imaginary by a group of people. For example the Ancient Greek and Roman Gods. For some, God in general.

Liar:

[YesNo]

Liar: Someone who lacks an acceptable level of obsessive-compulsiveness when it comes to truth.

Maiden:

[Pompey Bum]

Maiden: A nun who occasionally allows male friends to kiss her on the cheek but doesn't let them get into the habit.

Divorce:

[Pendragon]

Divorce: When someone breaks the "what God hath put together, let no man put asunder" part of a marriage ceremony

Legal

[Pompey Bum]

The last straw "unethical" can bear without being a crime.

Vacation:

[Pendragon]

Vacation: Traveling to someplace different but expecting all the amenities you enjoy while at home. such as Internet, cell phone service, good food from your favorite resturants, and nice rooms.

Imagination:

[YesNo]

Imagination: An ability to make up stuff. The lack of this ability is often grounds for criticism. So is the presence.

Criticism:


--------------------
For what's it's worth Ambrose Bierce defines imagination as "A warehouse of facts, with poet and liar in joint ownership."

[Pompey Bum]

Criticism: Acccusing someone of making stuff up. Don't confuse with literary criticism, which is not having the intelligence to make stuff up first hand.

Reincarnation:

[Hawkman]

Probably the best someone who bad mouths a literary critic can hope for, the transmigration of a withered soul into the body of a cockroach.

Rapture

[Pendragon]

Rapture: A state of exceeding joy, as is the Bible proposes that people will experience when the Second Coming takes place

Biblical

[Pompey Bum]

A form of gnosis producing babies.

Socialism:

[YesNo]

Socialism: A belief, opposed to capitalism and communism, claiming it can get you to heaven faster.

Magic:

[Pompey Bum]

Magic: Pulling a rabbit out of your *ss and acting like anyone would still want to pet it.

Philosophy:

[YesNo]

Philosophy: The art of constructing rational smokescreens to hide the empirical falsity of one’s beliefs.

Twin Bed:

[Pompey Bum]

Twin beds: See divorce.

Religion

[Hawkman]

A residual belief in magic.

Bailiwick

[Pompey Bum]

Bailiwick: The jurisdiction over which a bailiff may legitimately waggle his wick.

Meditation

[Pendragon]

Meditation: Sitting still and silent and staring at your navel in hopes of falling sleep and becoming enlightened by your dreams and night visions

Useless:

[Pompey Bum]

Meditation: Sitting still and silent and staring at your navel in hopes of falling sleep and becoming enlightened by your dreams and night visions

Useless:

Useless: See above.

Prejudice:

[Pendragon]

Prejudice: Your evaluation of my principles

Insult:

[YesNo]

Insult: Making sure someone has grounds to hold a grievance.

Optimism:

[Pompey Bum]

Optimism: The tragedy of hope over experience.

Democracy

[YesNo]

Democracy: Government by whomever secured enough power to represent the people.

Cash Cow:

[Pompey Bum]

Cash cow: One udderly without credit.

Stock market

[Hawkman]

The place where you buy a cash cow.

Narcolept.

[Pompey Bum]

Narcolept: One addicted to Pompey Bum's prose.

Giddy

[YesNo]

Giddy: This could justify an increase in electric shock therapy if for no other reason than to keep the noise down so the staff doesn’t go mad. Most patients, however, see it as a wonderful way to spend the afternoon.

Ego:

[Pendragon]

Ego: Feeling wonderful and proud of an accomplishment, most often when no one else gives a rat's @ss

Boastful:

[YesNo]

Boastful: The chief characteristic of an ancient exercise, still practiced, to see how far the ego can be inflated before it pops or gets popped.

Zenith:

[Pompey Bum]

Zenith: A warrior princeth.

Misanthropy

[Calidore]

Misanthropy: Donating to women's causes

Paleolithic

[Pompey Bum]

Paleolithic: Too dumb to farm.

Iconoclastic

[YesNo]

Iconoclastic: The word most often used to describe an “iconoclast”, a person with minimal respect for the idols represented in the graven images of others feeling that even as works of art they should be destroyed sacrificing revenue from the filthy tourist industry that such heathenish objects could be made to generate if they had the brains to market them properly, because, frankly, they don’t want the tourists with their cameras, cell phones, shorts and bikinis becoming objects of envy for wives and temptation for husbands any more than they want the icons.

No-Brainer:

[Pendragon]

No Brainer: What the nerd in your class who always ruins the grade curve calls the most torturous exam you ever sat through

Study:

[YesNo]

Study: An alternative to uneducated guessing.

Life:

[Calidore]

Life: The ledge between the tiger and the rocks.

Placid

[Pompey Bum]

Placid: A lake in New York that rhymes with flaccid.

Technology

[YesNo]

Technology: Making nature behave better after we think we have found out what makes her tick.

Cupid:

[Hawkman]

A small cherub who turns people into snooker fans by shooting arrows at them.

Gargoyle.

[Pompey Bum]

Gargoyle: What a New Yorker calls a female gar.

Natural selection

[Hawkman]

A box full of raw cacao beans.

Antimacassar.

[Pompey Bum]

Antimacassar: Consort to Uncle Macassar

Jellyfish

[Pendragon]

Jellyfish: Consistency of the spine of the average man who knows everything

Wishbone:

[YesNo]

Wishbone: A forked bone used in pulling contests originally belonging to a bird whose wish was not granted.

Economy:

[Pompey Bum]

Wishbone: A forked bone used in pulling contests originally belonging to a bird whose wish was not granted.

Heh heh. Good one.

Economy: What Middle School girls take instead of shop. In married life, however, life the hierarchy of "shop" and "economy"" becomes reversed.

Armadillo

[Pendragon]

Armadillo: Possum on the half shell

Vegan:

[Calidore]

Vegan: People who've forgotten that you are what you eat.

Platitude

[Pompey Bum]

Platitude: Trying to act as cool and aloof as a duck-billed mammal that lays eggs. "Young lady, I've had enough of your platitude for one evening!"

SUV

[YesNo]

SUV: A reincarnation of the station wagon.

Junk Bond

[Pompey Bum]

Junk Bond: James Bond's nickname for his private parts.

Centaur:

[Iain Sparrow]

Centaur: A popular rap artist of the early 21st Century, also known by his stage name "50 Centaur". Also, to be half man... and hung like a horse. Iain Sparrow is such a creature.
http://www.dweebist.com/2010/10/50-centaur/

Heaven: