Litnet's version of Devil's dictionary

[Lokasenna]

The opposite of 'applauze'.

Circus

[dafydd manton]

A German air-force unit headed Baron Friedrich, Freiherr von Richtofen,, and known as Richtofen's Circus. This was the first attempt to teach animals the art of pilotage, but was largely unsuccessful. The only creature that was recruited in future years was the Giraffe, since it could see over the top wing of the Fokker Triplane.

gearbox

[munkinhead]

the overwhelming urge to punch Richard Gere in the face


incessant

[dafydd manton]

A person who insists on swimming in sewage farms.

marriage

[hack]

The combining of two wills that leaves one intestate.


inconceivable

[prendrelemick]

alternative name for durex.

pleasure.

[hack]

The brief sensation before guilt sets in.



cognition

[prendrelemick]

realising you've left your car in gear even as you turn the ignition key.


engrossing.

[dafydd manton]

Multiplying something by 144.

electricity

[Hawkman]

The motive force behind Gerrymandering

Jesuit

[hack]

a tiny jesus


inadequate

[Pendragon]

inadequate Barely enough booze to get drunk on

Shadows

[prendrelemick]

A darkness born of light.

multiple.

[JuniperWoolf]

A name of an unoriginal heavy metal band.

Valkyrie.

[dafydd manton]

Actually Val. O'Keery. Valerie O'Keery (1947 2008) was an Irish singer who eventually died as a result of sitting on her own horned helm. Her dying words were "@*^&%@ **^%£$*!!. A statue to her has been erected in her home town of Ballysillyidea.

kangaroo

[prendrelemick]

Proof if it were needed, there is a creator and she has a sense of humour.

outstanding.

[dafydd manton]

Too broke to get in and watch the match.

assimilate

[Hawkman]

A plastic surgeon's efforts to nip and tuck the buttocks to match Angelina Jolie's

Holism

[prendrelemick]

As a suffix it refers to an addiction. As a medical approach it is a word concocted by people 'ho should kno' there is a W in whole.

Recondite. (a word I've just read, and have no idea what it means)

[dafydd manton]

A little known word describing something that is little known, such as the little -known word "recondite". Most ordinary people say "little known".

purist

[Pendragon]

purist Person who declines cheap wine, probably because their spouse is present. Were the spouse absent, the "inferior brand" would be guzzled like a real wino!


Bummer

[EJMathews]

Bummer: A device to maximize one's posterior so as to disrupt as much work by either either sex causing confusion and chaos which will eventually lead to the decline of all economic systems world wide.

Sushi

[prendrelemick]

An onomatopoeic word for the noise of car tyres travelling through puddles on a wet evening in downtown Manhatten.


government.

[Pendragon]

government A form of organized crime with the members all supposedly elected by the people, for the people.


Music

[hack]

A daughter of Mnemosyne after a night of too much Ouzo.


solace

[Lokasenna]

Solace: A typically human concept, being an attempt to percieve a fringe benefit to abject misery.

Discord

[dafydd manton]

The opposite of dat cord. A jazz term.

taxation

[Hawkman]

a form of theft perpeptrated by governments upon those stupid enough to vote for them. Sadly, it is also visited upon those who were smart enough not to vote for them too.

Fanion

[dafydd manton]

A pungent garden vegetable that can be opened out and waved in front of the face, in order to cool oneself. Also, a way of making sure that nobody comes within a hundred yards of you.

headphones

[Hawkman]

Electronic cererbal implants allowing the garrelous to have both hands free to pick their noses.

rhapsody

[EJMathews]

The phone that is in charge of the other phones.

flashlight

[EJMathews]

Well shoot, looks like we both posted for the same word at the same time. I'll take
Rhapsody: a hip-hop breathy type of rap song about laying lawns and other types of grasses.

Flashllight

[Hawkman]

A lantern designed to be fitted to the inside of a dirty raincoat enabling the flasher to throw more light on those parts of his anatomy that would be better kept in the dark.

Counterfeit

[hack]

A conniption at the abacus.




pantywaist

[Pendragon]

pantywaist That which keeps one from getting one's knickers in a twist

Lonesome

[dafydd manton]

The motto of certain unscrupulous banks, as if you could imagine the concept of banks being unscrupulous.

steamroller

[prendrelemick]

A powerful hair curler, as used by Hilda Ogden.


express.

[dafydd manton]

Ex, being has-been, and press being an old method of printing, hence, an old litho-machine. Also, the name of a Dairy that delivered milk on floats that moved at 7 MPH maximum.

Suspender

[hack]

Half a trapeze act.



inclination (and don't say Switzerland, there is nothing funny about the Swiss)

[dafydd manton]

The art of drawing cartoons with a fountain pen.

The Swiss. (Sorry, Hack, couldn't resist it!)

[Hawkman]

Shouldn't they be in room 101? You know why nobody ever invades Switzerland? it's because when people start getting bolshy with them they threaten to burn all the money.

The Swiss is the noise people make when you threaten to burn their money.

Pelargonium

[hack]

A urinal in the hometown of the "real" Robinson Crusoe, Alexander Selkirk.


mahogany

[dafydd manton]

The Scottish celebration of the new year, as spoken by a reveller at about 4 in the morning.

gearbox

[Hawkman]

The place where a junkie keeps his stash.

Mower

[dafydd manton]

A cut above the rest in the horticultural world.

biplane

[Hawkman]

a woodworking tool capable of shaving wood and skin simultaneously.

Corellation

[Pendragon]

Corellation Attempting and failing at comparing two objects so dissimilar as to be foolish

Fool

[prendrelemick]

someone who just misses out on being cool by one letter.


seizes.

[Pendragon]

Illegally takes with such excuses as "Manifest Destiny" and "due process"

Judge

[dafydd manton]

A man in a powdered wig and flowing red robes who condemns others for behaviour outside the norm.

electricity

[aliengirl]

something capable of sending shock waves across the body

bank

[dafydd manton]

The side of a river, where all those avaricious men who work in the institutions with the same name should be taken, and pushed in.

whim

[Pendragon]

whim Acting in a manner that displays absolutely no inhibitions

Prison

[dafydd manton]

An academy for the criminal classes.

barrack

[hack]

a coat hook at the pub



recording

[prendrelemick]

changing one's shoe laces



process.

[LMK]

Process: One who particularly favors taxation.

Grandeur

[hack]

an ostentatious eur


kidnaped

[Pendragon]

kidnaped Your four year old fell asleep on the sofa

Nonsense

[LMK]

An organization promoting the elimination of coinage.

Ardent

[EJMathews]

A carved or banged dent in the shape of the letter "R" or to identify ourselves.

Bowler

[Pendragon]

One who eats only out of a bowl as opposed to those who only eat off of plates, the platters...

Forget

[hack]

to acquire beforehand



verisimilitude

[Pendragon]

verisimilitude Somewhat alike, but not enough to make a difference

Philosophy

[dafydd manton]

The art of discussing, or not discussing, that which is or is not to be discussed, assuming that it exists, and which promotes the question, if a man says something in a forest and his wife is not there to hear it, is he still wrong?

squirrel

[hack]

That thing, in a wifeless forest, that is witness to man's predilection to err.


wiring

[Hawkman]

A question asked by a lounge lizard the morning after.

Guffaw

[hack]

Greatly impressed by a lot of guff.



imbue

[Pendragon]

To fill with loathing for one's fellowmen, allowing the imbued to feel superior

Court

[Pendragon]

A play given by two lawyers, both usually crooked, presided over by a judge, usually corrupt, where 12 tried and true citizens decree who has the best act to put on, the defense or the prosecutor

Crook

[ReadingElmo]

a bend, only not over, that would be silly, but a bend in an arm or leg or the hook shaped bend in Miss Bopeep's walking stick to reel in the sheep.

crowbar

[Hawkman]

A place where urban crows can go for a swift eyeball.

thumb

[MarkBastable]

thumb: an appendage often cited - by humans - as the crucial difference between higher apes and all other animals. However, were one to ask, say, a camel, it is likely that it would cite the hump as the crucial difference between its own kind and all other animals. A chameleon might offer colour-changing ability and a platypus could probably come up with half a dozen unique platypusian attributes. So the thumb may be a differentiator, but it is not necessarily a proof of superiority, as is sometimes suggested. It simply means that Man is the best-equipped of God's creatures for hitch-hiking.


scissors

[Pendragon]

A single object that for some reason has a plural name, i.e., there is always a "pair" not a single "sciz"

Cynic

[MarkBastable]

A single object that for some reason has a plural name, i.e., there is always a "pair" not a single "sciz"

Cynic

Actually, my American wife refers to the object in question as 'a scissor' which she tells me is a common usage where she comes from.

[ReadingElmo]

Cynic - Someone who complains about a lack of single sciz for a pair of scissors (wink and smile)

(what part of America uses the word scissor?)

Breakable

[hack]

Something in the hands of your favorite two year old.(but not scissors)




draught

[Pendragon]

draught Indicative of potency with regard to beer, draught beer is strong enough to buckle the knees of neophyte drinkers, and grow hair on the chests of old hands at the pub

Choice

[MarkBastable]

Choice: the chrysalis from which disappointment emerges



Holland

[hack]

The musical inspiration of John Oates.

icicle

[dafydd manton]

The net result of the Water Company having it's assets frozen.

Catfood

[MarkBastable]

Catfood: In the murky world of rodent gangs, a potent threat.

"Put da word out under da floorboards," growled Big Cheddar, his whiskers twitching. "Time is real short for Squeaky Lou. Dat mouse is catfood."


Serendipity

[ReadingElmo]

Being in the right place at the right time when someone else is not.

Frightful

[adityasam]

Frightful - Just Faster Heart Beat and Shivering when you are a in large and dark room!

Google!

[prendrelemick]

An astoundingly large number - of short cuts.


Virago.

[MarkBastable]

Virago - a feminist publishing company. During the eighties, a couple of Virago novels casually left on the kitchen table were practically guaranteed to get a fellow into the knickers of an otherwise insurmountable EngLit undergrad


Hypocrisy

[Pendragon]

Hypocrisy Your failure to live up to my standards

Religion

[hack]

What happened to Vera Lynn.



relinquish

[Pendragon]

relinquish If it refers to money owed, to let go off only when the final bill before being turned over to a collection agency arrives, or a court case, which ever comes first

And to give my own definition of Religion A set of conduct codes you feel would benefit me as long as it is understood that it does not apply to you... :smash:

Drumroll

[dafydd manton]

A small bread confection made by Dai The Crust, a local baker, for the investiture of the Prince of Wales in Caernarfon, after which he became known as Dai the Upper Crust.

Brandy

[ReadingElmo]

A fine girl, but fell in love with a sailor whose love was the sea.

Game

[LMK]

A divirsion that turns a normal sane individual into competitive lunatics, my sister is no longer allowed to play with us.

HiFi

[MarkBastable]

hifi - a stutterer's first attempt to get you to slap his upheld hand



Cape Cod

[Pendragon]

Cape Cod Popular vacation spot where people go to worship the horrible smell of rotting codfish

falsehood

[hack]

Street cred acquired through prevarication. (see Vanilla Ice)


freighter

[Pendragon]

What a cargo vessel becomes upon sinking with said cargo

Lightning

[MarkBastable]

Lightning: a test of literacy. cf lightening.




Complement

[Pendragon]

Complement Insincere comments made by fawning phonies

Doctor

[RaoulDuke]

Doctor - The manic depressive alter ego of famed schizophrenic cartoon character, Bugs Bunny.

Tinkle -

[MarkBastable]

Tinkle : The manic depressive alter ego of famed schizophrenic cartoon character, Sarah Palin.




compliment

[Jazz_]

Compliment - a short comment used to distract or weaken

Play

[Pendragon]

Play To engage in light-hearted activity, which actually pays well if you make it to the pros...

And sorry, but I have to define this myself...:smilielol5::smilielol5:

The Facts of Life Embarrassing speech about sex given by a parent to the average 12 year old. The embarrassing part is when the parent discovers that he or she should be the one listening and perhaps taking notes

Forgive

[hack]

A gift for the recipient and a blessing to the giver.



eggplant

[Hawkman]

Machinery used in battery farming.

Visigoth

[hack]

An attendee wearing camo at the Goth Festival.



pyrite

[Pendragon]

pyrite Fool's Gold, therefore any worthless object that foolish people feel will make them rich, such as the Stock Market

destiny

[dafydd manton]

A soap opera set in Texas, about a family of dyslexics.

Grimace

[hack]

A smile that has not determined whether it lives or not.


topknot

[Hawkman]

The knot tied by suicides in their belts when they hang themselves.

Intercourse

[hack]

The opposite of extra coarse, of course.



benign

[Cat Square]

To remove someone's thumb.

Malarkey

[Hawkman]

The security guard responsible for locking up a Shopping centre at night.

effluent

[Jazz_]

Used to encourage disease.

affluent

[RaoulDuke]

Affluent - a state achieved when a persons wealth becomes excess to the extent that it produces a strong smell of sewage. See also: Stinking rich

Alien -

[Pendragon]

Alien Small greyish creatures with large eyes that have been abducting people since the famous crash in Roswell, New Mexico, in an effort to make sure that man is not descended from them

Theft

[Cat Square]

Theft (n): a dense patch of dry straw-like hair or fur


Conglomerate

[Mr. Pedantic]

Conglomerate- two or more corporations joined into for the purpose of making every radio station a Top 40 Station.

Popular.

[Cat Square]

Popular (adj) - the bursting state of an overfilled vessel, bag, or balloon.

[Mr. Pedantic]

Well this game seems to have stopped abruptly. I'll go again.

Ardent

[hack]

The gouge in the Honda.


Extraordinary

[Hawkman]

A state of being excessively commonplace or mundane.

dragoman

[MarkBastable]

dragoman - spiffygirl's archnemesis



sporran

[Pendragon]

sporran any object used as a sort of campy statement of Ethnicity

Sorrow

[Hawkman]

an argument between sorority sisters.

Graft

[Pendragon]

Graft to put together two or more dissimilar objects in the vain hope of making something new

evolution

[Hawkman]

A laissez faire attitude which hopes that something new will occur spontaneously.

pontificate

[MarkBastable]

pontificate - to stop halfway across a bridge and stare down into the flowing water below and to be overwhelmed by this feeling of, well, you know, something pretty kinda heavy and deep and - well - important in a metaphysical sort of way that probably really matters and that fills you with this brimming sort of sense of your place in the universe and you hope you still feel this way tomorrow at work, or at least until you've explained it to your spouse


monastery

[hack]

see pontificate (sans spouse)



yew

[Cat Square]

Yew (v): To Lash largish items together, such as a bundle of sticks, using hefty twine made from thick strands of yarn.


Marauder

[Pendragon]

Marauder One who destroys everything you ever worked for with two words: "You're fired!"

Boss

[hack]

To push until you make an impression,
and all you are left with is an impression.


wonder

[Pendragon]

wonder An extraordinary something that has always been right under our nose but which we only could be bothered to notice right now, such as how beautiful a sunset or sunrise really is

Justice

[hack]

Only you and I.


unknown

[Pendragon]

unknown as of yet, undiscovered

Famous

[Nikhar]

I miss the thread! :(

[Pendragon]

Famous One who has obtained his or her qualified 15 minutes on the stage of life

Infamous

[Pendragon]

Infamous Having done something to piss off the rest of the world

Bloody

[MarkBastable]

Bloody: in Brit English, a mild swear-word, as all Americans are aware. This proves especially useful to any second-rate American actor required to play an Englishman in a US sitcom, because when his accent caroms wildly around the English-speaking world, from Australia to South Africa to Barbados to colonial Hong Kong, and despite the fact that when he homes in on these sceptered isles, it would appear that he grew up simultaneously in Liverpool, Cardiff, London, Newcastle and at Eton, his frequent inclusion of the word 'bloody' - however contextually incongruous - does at least help us to understand that his character is supposed to be from that place with the Queen, which means we can wearily steel ourselves for the inevitable gags about redcoats and fish'n'chips and bad teeth.


Mother or, more precisely, Mutha

[prendrelemick]

As above, only opposite.

wherefore.

[dafydd manton]

A word attributed to Juliet, who hadn't yet learned anything about genealogy.

Monster

[Pendragon]

Monster Any of a number of fictional horrors, or a home grown serial killer described by his friends and family as "Such a nice guy. It's hard to imagine them doing this." From what I know of humanity, the signs that this person was not all he or she seemed was glaring like a spotlight on a stage.

Lie

[dafydd manton]

What keeps politicians and businessmen in a job. The world's greatest lie is "it's in the post". (There is one other, actually, but I don't need the Infraction Points!!!)

Magazine

[Pendragon]

Magazine A publication that once held articles and stories but now is almost totally devoted to advertisements

Book

[MarkBastable]

Book : what you cannot do for love nor money at Zucca in Southwark since it was featured in the Guardian's restaurant review section last Saturday


Queue

[RaoulDuke]

Queue - the only word in the English language that has no German equivalent.

Crumpet -

[Patrick_Bateman]

Crumpet - The symbol of British foppishness

Umbrella -

[prendrelemick]

A device purporting to be a portable shelter from rain, but is actually a lethal weapon. Its main attritional appendage is the pointed steel tip on the end of the main shaft, used for short range stabbing in situations like The Harrods Boxing day sales. In addition to this, in the open position there are aproximately 12 razor sharp spikes arranged around the circumference of the canopy. These spikes are deployed at eye level and provide the skilled umbrella warrior with an almost unassailable defensive perimeter, ensuring it is the oncoming pedestrian that must quit the pavement and step into the gutter. To become a Master of The Way of The Umbrella, takes many years of practicing and honing of skills. It is obvious to even the most casual observer, that Little old ladies are the leading exponants of the art.

Disruption.

[Paulclem]

The street term for "My hernia".

Also used to describe the cumulative effects of state visits by religious leaders.

Cycle

[Pendragon]

Cycle Trying the same experiment 100 times and expecting different results

Science

[Patrick_Bateman]

A belligerent in the fight against religion.




Keyboard

[hack]

What Francis Scott Key was before an English drinking song came to mind.


perverse

[RaoulDuke]

perverse - a particularly saucy limerick.

annoying -

[Cat Square]

Annoying: A healthy doling-out of woeful sentiment, in Yiddish!

Blatherskite

[Pendragon]

Blatherskite An annoying self-righteous person who carps about everything one does

Punk

[Cat Square]

Punk: the sound made by dropping a garbage bag full of wet blankets into a large steel drum.


Pretentious

[Pendragon]

Pretentious Refers to the condition of having a lifestyle better than one's own, also termed "Uppity"


Cat

[hack]

man, fellow, dude, bloke, Joe, Tom, Dick, Harry, and others of the same ilk.


spaniel

[RaoulDuke]

spaniel - creature created by Walt Disney in his much maligned production of Romeo and Juliet, featuring the star-crossed lovers from the warring factions of sheep and sheepdogs.

star-crossed -

[Pendragon]

star-crossed State of intoxication in which one is so pie-eyed as to see everything double

Whisky

[MarkBastable]

whisky - the first triumph of marketing.

"If it came in medicine bottles, grown-ups would pour it down the sink." Adrian Mole




cocktail hour

[Pendragon]

cocktail hour The time of drinking until you cockup things and get your tail plastered

Motive

[Cat Square]

Motive: Pertaining to bodies of water that surround castles, keeps, or fortresses.


Hobgoblin

[RaoulDuke]

hobgoblin - an derogatory term describing ferocious gluttony and poor table manners - "Oh you should have seen him, hobgoblin' his way through his Christmas dinner!"

bilgewater -

[Pendragon]

bilgewater Water that comes in a bottle marked "Mountain Spring" which actually is pumped out of the bilge on a rusty freighter in dry dock for repairs, in the idea that you might as well make a buck or two off it.

News

[Pendragon]

News Printed or broadcast facts that may or may not be necessarily what is going on in this rum old world


Imagination

[MarkBastable]

Imagination - in literature and the arts, an extremely common commodity which is a vital complement of, but no substitute for, talent


Calibration

[Pendragon]

Calibration Marked in small increments such as the amount of times you actually do good deed in a selfless manner


Fortune

[MarkBastable]

Fortune

a) a large but variable amount of money, equal to about ten times whatever you've got
b) the outrageous but specific amount of money they charge for a drink at the theatre, regardless of how much you've got



Evidence

[prendrelemick]

A bloke down the pub told me his mother's cousin's friend said it was an indicator of veracity.


Important.

[Cat Square]

Important: Describes an unplugged dongle.

hackneyed

[Pendragon]

hackneyed Indicative of a outrageous lie told when the truth would have been perfectly acceptable

Excuse

[MarkBastable]

We've done 'excuse' before (Excuse - a post eventum explanation that even the explainer doesn't find convincing.)

Pick another one.

[Pendragon]

brainstorm

[MarkBastable]

brainstorm - rather quaint Thirties word overused as a newly-fashionable verb by inept middle managers.

"I want you, me, Simon and Tamsin to get together round a piece of wood and brainstorm this re-implementation issue."

Translation: "I have no f*****g idea what to do, but if I get other people talking about it, something might come up that I can steal."



synergy

[Silas Thorne]

synergy: A dangerous side-effect of group-activity causing disasters that would have been avoidable by allowing people to act individually.


Delectable

[MarkBastable]

Delectable - prone to or permissive of a reversal of the process of lecting (see lect)


matricular

[Silas Thorne]

matricular- 'pertaining to the Matrix'. see 'matricular awareness': A type of kinaesthetic awareness developed by Keanu Reeves in the process of filming a famous science fiction film, that allows him to dodge bullets by detaching the lower part of his spine.


Fossilization

[Delta40]

Fossilization - the ultimate end of an ardent fossicker

Emergency

[Silas Thorne]

Emergency- The state when a baby's head has come out but they are not really fully out and involved in the world.

Furnishings

[Delta40]

Furnishings - A very hot town north of the equator where a doctors chief business is the treatment of shingles.

Righteous

[Silas Thorne]

Righteous- An adjective often used to describe 'dude' in the 1980s, which is becoming less popular over time.

Toaster

[Pendragon]

Toaster Invention of the Devil designed to either fail to toast bread or else burn it, with no stops in between

Flattery

[Pendragon]

brainstorm - rather quaint Thirties word overused as a newly-fashionable verb by inept middle managers.

"I want you, me, Simon and Tamsin to get together round a piece of wood and brainstorm this re-implementation issue."

Translation: "I have no f*****g idea what to do, but if I get other people talking about it, something might come up that I can steal."





Har! Chuckle!

[MarkBastable]

Flattery: Praise given by other people to someone you don't like.


Ornithology

[Scheherazade]

Ornithology: Study of ornaments.


Mature student

[MarkBastable]

Mature Student: One who undertakes study for some reason other than simply wanting to avoid getting a job. Not, incidentally, that the avoidance of getting a job is not a perfectly good reason for studying. It's the one that applies to 98% of university students, and quite right too.


Slang

[Pendragon]

Slang The second language usually spoken by people everywhere

Cash

[Lokasenna]

Cash: An illusion upon which we have built our world - so long as we believe in it, it endures, but when we stop believing, everything starts to fall down. A perfect example of a human constant: only that which is invisible, intangible and unreal is suitable for us to live our lives by.

Monotony:

[Pendragon]

Monotony Doing the same experiment over and over and expecting a different result

Evolution

[Nikhar]

Evolution - a collective term used for the sequence of really unfortunate events which turned really cheerful chimpanzees into really miserable humans

edited- on the basis of a much appreciated advice:-D

mobile phones-

[MarkBastable]

mobile phones - pretty much the quintessence of an unintended consequence. Mobile phones (or cells, if you prefer) were intended to free us from unavailability, but in fact shackle us to availability.


Apple

[Nikhar]

Apple- a leading company in the technology sector.
Minority also uses the word to name a fruit.

Dictionary

[Pendragon]

Dictionary A language lexicon that shows you more uses for a word than you ever knew were possible

Specter

[Cat Square]

Specter - A servant of an upperclassman who provides the service of looking at something and then describing it to his or her employer.

Fey

[MystyrMystyry]

Fey: an injurous adjective not to be used in mixed company. For example describing a 9" Bandido President this way is certain to cause injury

Wriswatch

[MarkBastable]

Wristwatch - A device intended to handcuff you constantly to the realisation of the brevity of your existence.


Christmas Eve

[MystyrMystyry]

Christmas Eve: Two Days After Boxing Day, The Day after Christmas Day (If You're Travelling From The Future to The Past)

TragiComedy

[Lokasenna]

Tragicomedy: The governing principle of human existence.

Misery:

[Pendragon]

Misery What appears to be the normal state of of a man, who then expects everyone and everything to follow suit, if not try to trump him

Mental Illness

[MarkBastable]

Mental Illness - A medical condition that's all in the mind - psychosomatic prostate cancer, for instance, brought on by the fact that you've hit your early fifties and that's when both your grandad and your dad got it.


Optimism

[faithosaurus]

Optimism - The feeling of constant joy over every little thing, even when the glass really is half-empty.

Self Actualization:

[MystyrMystyry]

Self Actualisation: to mistakenly replace a light bulb in the bathroom with one of much higher wattage. This causes you to see yourself as everyone has for years and as you actually are, and - OUCH!

At this point most flick the switch and run to hide beneath the bed covers until morning, three days later

Prestidigidation

[Pendragon]

Prestidigidation Sleight of hand. Thus in politics, the ability to change horses in mid stream and to talk out of both sides of one's mouth at the same time. Also the inability to produce what one has promised during the campaign and blaming the voters for it.

Voters

[MystyrMystyry]

'Voters! Voters don't know what's good for them! They get the government they deserve! Feed us peanuts you get monkeys! Give them bread today and they'll want jam tomorrow! And then they'll want a knife to spread it! And once they've got knives - well no good can come of it! Least of all for us!'

Doom

[Silas Thorne]

Doom: (The character) Mr Alberto Doom, harbringer of Generally Less Than Optimistic Circumstances . Often accompanied by his female companion, Ms Winifred Gloom, who likes to mope about her flat and complain about the weather and the quality of the television programming.

In Ernest

[MystyrMystyry]

I.N. Ernest: First initials and name of our deadly uncle. 'I'm sure it was him put that rat poison in Gran's porridge.'

Computer Games

[Silas Thorne]

Computer games: One means of avoiding internet pornography while on your computer alone, and an excellent way to avoid exercise. Can be used as a temporary substitute for food, drink or sleep, as it induces screen-fixated trances of an indefinite duration.

Transformer

[MystyrMystyry]

Ha! You forgot baths!

Transformer: Devilish toy devised by corporate child-haters, who under the guise of retailing something clever have in fact found the perfect method of not merely stifling an infant's imagination and assisting in their illiteracy, but also how to break things that were not designed to be repaired


Philosophaster

[Pendragon]

Philosophaster The philosopher who crosses the line first

Philosophy

[MystyrMystyry]

Philosophy - the quest for wisdom by those who have none, via studying postulations made by others who also have none


Guiness Book of World Records

[MarkBastable]

Guiness Book of World Records

A list of unlikely extremes and improbable high-tide marks that you didn't even know were considered, let alone documented. For instance, it's apparently a fact that the most often misspelled brand name of a beer is Guinness.

Happy Hour

[MystyrMystyry]

Happy Hour - fleeting period every alcoholic has known at least once, if but only once, within either licensed premises or no, perhaps whilst sipping upon a pot of Guinness porter


Miscellaneous

[Pendragon]

Miscellaneous That part of a hospital or auto repair bill that costs twice as much as all other components combined

Aspirin

[MarkBastable]

We've done aspirin before, but I'll trot it out again...

aspirin - a highly-effective analgesic derived from the bark of the willow, which unlikely provenance is cited as an exemplar of Mother Nature's munificence by any charlatan attempting to sell goat dung as a remedy for athlete's foot or blackberry leaf tea as a cure for cancer


turkey

[MystyrMystyry]

Turkey - the gobbler that we gobble up

(Also that person at a party who is having an extremely boring mental episode, the upshot of which causes them with single-minded determination to systematically isolate and corner everyone to explain themself. 'It's a Turkey! There's one at every party!')

Swan Song

[MystyrMystyry]

Can I answer myself?

If so, the final performance of an acclaimed Hollywood actress of the first half of the Twentieth Century, causing one critic to remark 'A Glorious Swan Song!'

And another ''Twere observ'd by someone other than I that swans sing before they die
But 'pon my word 'twere no bad thing were this bird to die before it sing'

(If not allowable, disrespectul, or anything else you will no doubt think of, by all means carry on)


barbecue?

[Pendragon]

barbecue The prime ingredient in a tailgate party

Lost

[MystyrMystyry]

I hope you're not waiting for me. because:

To be truly lost is to be never found, and is common with most folk I know who feel this way and/or are this way. It's a lifestyle thing borne of the realisation that the sum of any number of pointless achievements over a lengthy period does not one Moon Landing nor Sgt Pepper's make

But having said this, quite often to be lost and never found is a highly desirable state of affairs


civilization

[MarkBastable]

I hope you're not waiting for me. because:

To be truly lost is to be never found, and I in common with most folk I know feel this way and/or are this way. It's a lifestyle thing borne of the realisation that the sum of the achievement of any number of pointless things over a lengthy period does not one Moon Landing make

But having said this, quite often to be lost and never found is a highly desirable state of affairs


civilization


You haven't quite got the hang of this thread, have you?

[MystyrMystyry]

Double Drat and Duel Dammits! Think I've just been found! Better hurriedly alter the wording of my last post, and wait awhile to post an explanation of conveying the sense of 'lost' so it sounds like that was my intention all along. Whew - that should cover my tracks


Also descriptive of the worst literary crime: in story telling, be it novel or television scriptwiting, perpetrated by cowboys desperate to launch a new idea without thinking it through to the end, and neglecting to do so the entire length, in the mistaken belief that it 'shall take care of itself'

Consequently, in an attempt to maintain a semblance of intrigue, new chararcters, motivations, flashbacks and ghosts in the machine are introduced with a spellbinding smoke-and-mirrors rapidity. If you aren't as confused as the 'plot' halfway through and persevere toward the 'end', bewildered by the thousand loose threads and when/if they'll ever neatly tie themselves together, and confounded by your second guessing coming to nought, then you may begin to believe conspiracy theories in subjects of no interest to anyone

It is a story without a story


(Thanks go to My Basketball for forcing a reconsideration)


civilization

[MarkBastable]

Someone keep him talking. I'll call the vet.

curry

[MystyrMystyry]

Curry - hotstuff to hasten a hurrying scurry

'Having too late realised that 'lost' had already featured way back on page 3 and been defined on page 4, the idiot savant declared "Curry me corns! I really is lost!"'

Tom Hanks

[Pendragon]

Tom Hanks Said of actors, to play a part so badly as to completely capture the hearts and souls of the viewing audience



sell

[MystyrMystyry]

sell - else is less


carpet

[Pendragon]

carpet Messy floor covering under which all the family dirt is swept

Mushy

[Pendragon]

Mushy Descriptive of a mom and dad's discrete kiss as viewed by their children... :arf:

Doomed

[MystyrMystyry]

Doomed - the unmistakable sinking sensation upon receiving a DIY shelf for Chrimbo. You open the cardboard box and take a cursory peep inside to see if any tiny loose bits will drop out from between the chipboard planks for to fiddle with, but no takers. So you think 'Interesting, but I'm not in the mood right now anyway.' And you go to close the packaging but the interlocking floppy flaps don't so easily flip close. There's some demonic puzzle at work here. It begins to engulf your mind: 'How does that flap slip into this slot so that that flap can slide over to there..?' You decide to put it away quickly before the obsession becomes so great as to take away the Christmas joy, but mere moments later you're back at it, flipping and slipping and slotting and flapping happily away (sadly to any onlookers) when suddenly you have a breakthrough in psychic clarity. 'Flippy A slots into Floppy B and slides into Flappy C!'
This entire process consumes half the afternoon and ensures that if you merely weren't in the mood before, your achievement will rank amongst those greatest in your personal list, and guarantee you will never be in the mood ever again


Flummox

[Pendragon]

Flummox (ed) Mad enough to curse and unable to restrain the inclination'

"Don't be such a flummox, Pete. Take it easy!"

"Who the bleep put your bleeping bleep in charge of my bleeping life, you bleep bleeper? Go to hell! (anything else after this positively glows blue with bad words.)"


Jealousy

[MystyrMystyry]

Jealousy - lousy congealed jelly, the flavour of which resembles urinal pellets, the colour of which resembles a morning piss, the textures of which resemble both rancid clarified fat and fresh pus, the stench of which resembles a treatment works, the-... (excuse me a moment)

The overall effect is of such repugnance it is frequently used as a descriptive for the most vile human emotion (which it uncannily resembles)


Vitamin Pills

[Pendragon]

Vitamin Pills Placebos taken in the vain hope that they have any medicinal value

Vanity

[MystyrMystyry]

vanity - the sad mistake of letting the other seven billion people feel sorry for you rather than you feel happy for them


drumkit

[Paulclem]

Drumkit - a torture instrument bought by disgruntled parents for their Grandchildren.

Glance

[MatthewFarlow]

Glance (v.intrans.) - The hurried look a teenaged boy learns to take at women in revealing outfits.

Kaleidoscope

[MystyrMystyry]

Kaleidoscope - the prototype design of the Hubble Space Telescope, but once NASA astronauts had installed the new mirror all simililarities vanished, granting astronomers more space for reflection and sharp focus



crumpets

[munkinhead]

R.Crumb's dog and cat.



Funkadelic

[Silas Thorne]

Funkadelic: A type of colour motion-picture film format for Blackploitation movies, often identified by the phrase 'Filmed in Funkadelic' at the beginning of the movie.

Rapture

[Pendragon]

Rapture A case of overreaction to something mundane enough to bore other people

Happiness

[MystyrMystyry]

Happiness - a heightened state of self-delusion which permits the sufferer a feeling of euphoria and willing ignorance regarding the big picture

Irrational person: 'I believe I've discovered true happiness!'
Rational person : 'It won't last...'


Popular Song

[Pendragon]

Popular Song One with insipid lyrics that stick in your head longer than the last ice age

Infamous

[Pendragon]

Infamous Having pushed fame to the limits enough to piss someone off

disorderly

[OfHighInterest]

Disorderly When one has become intoxicated and moves about in unprecedented movements making him disorderly

Little

[XQZ]

The Art of Much but so as to seem simple

'This is just a little thing I've come up with,' actually means 'if I'd known how much time and effort was going to have to go into it I would've written a Russian novel instead'


pompous

[XQZ]

quoted meself by accident

[Pendragon]

pompous The puffed up style of someone one thinks to be inferior to one's self

Inferiority Complex

[XQZ]

inferiority complex - state of complicated madness wrought by those enjoying a superiority simplex upon another who just wants to be depressed in peace


Loony Bin

[Pendragon]

Loony Bin Nebulous place where one thinks people deserve to go simply because they march to the beat of a different drummer

psychiatrist

[MarkBastable]

psychiatrist: member of much maligned profession, who will be blamed for doing his job ("...now some loony doctor says he's mad and he's going to get off with a slapped wrist - more like bloody evil if you ask me...") and also blamed for not doing it ("....apparently they let him out because some loony doctor said he was cured - well, tell that to the poor girl's parents..." )


See also: social worker, police officer, general practitioner, teacher, priest


Logic

[jajdude]

Logic - Something everyone believes they alone possess, though in truth it is rarer than common sense.

Failure

[MystyrMystyry]

Failure - what teachers who don't want to be teachers threaten to do to get you to pull up your socks and tuck your shirt in

However, teachers who want to be teachers are equipped with an unmatched arsenal of far sinister menaces which would make it comparitively preferable if not downright desirable

Dream Job

[Pendragon]

Dream Job One where a person does no work and still gets a paycheck see: CEO

Pets