Litnet's version of Devil's dictionary

[MystyrMystyry]

pets - (may also be spelt 'pests') greedy, selfish, lazy, self-important, messy, unappreciative and expensive stomachs on legs (or on bellies, or with fins)

Occasionally referred to as 'spouses' or, more frequently, 'ex-spouses'

An accident that the expression 'pet-hate' was coined? I think not

'This pet rock is the best pet I've ever had because it possesses none of the qualities I've come to associate with you...'


Singularity

[Pendragon]

Singularity Of or dealing with something so mundane that grants are government issued for the study thereof, such as cattle flatulence

Robbery

[MystyrMystyry]

robbery - (deriv: rubbery, therefore bendable or stretchable) To bend the rules for financial or prestigial gain, and thence to stretch the truth on your day in court


Scotch Finger Biscuits

[Pendragon]

Scotch Finger Biscuits Pretentious name given to dry and tasteless biscuits served only when nothing better is available, often with weak and foul smelling tea

Imagination

[MystyrMystyry]

Imagination - A rare quality and a scarce commodity, though not widely prized nor sought - when an individual displays evidence of being in possession of one they are shunned by general society, and can expect criticism from special society

An imagination in the wrong hands can be a powerful tool for change


Analogue

[Pendragon]

analogue a person who is afraid of using new technological devices

digital

[jajdude]

digital - modern word meaning "dig it all" used by people who buy all the latest gadgetry and hence are "digital" people.

frustration

[MystyrMystyry]

frustration - a word first appearing during the second world war during which food was in very short supply so that staples like eggs, milk, butter, bread and sugar were doled out in such meagre amounts they were hardly worth considering

Recipients would frust these mediocre rations back at the purveyor in disgust



Grand piano

[MatthewFarlow]

Grand piano (n)- A piano worth one thousand other pianos. The compound word derives from the word 'grand' being synonymous with 'a thousand'. This is also the typically the going rate for grand pianos in today's market.

Buckskin

[MarkBastable]

Buckskin - typographical error commonly found in amateur pornograpy. Compare the synonym boreskin; also see banny, brotteur and bellatio.


Cannibal

[MystyrMystyry]

cannibal - pidgin Franglish (South Sea Islands) derived from 'cannonball' a favoured method of tenderising human flesh before bicapitation, skinning and boiling alive (served with yams and coconut cream, it apparently tastes like chicken, and the bones are good for toothpicks and piercing noses)

pornography

[MarkBastable]

Pornography Despite being the most popular form of entertainment available on the Web, pornography is so notoriously difficult to define that many resort to a kind of meta-definition most famously expressed as follows:

I shall not today attempt further to define the kinds of material I understand to be embraced within that shorthand description ["hard-core pornography"]; and perhaps I could never succeed in intelligibly doing so. But I know it when I see it...

Justice Potter Stewart, concurring opinion in Jacobellis v. Ohio 378 U.S. 184 (1964)

Those of us less confident than Justice Stewart in our ability to recognise pornography when we see it should probably resolve to keep practising until we get it right.

Erotica

[MystyrMystyry]

Erotica - Infamous third symphony of Ludwik van Beathogen R.I.P. featuring breakthrough rhythmic changes, introduction of the timpani for use as percussion, and an exotic new instrument resembling the kazoo in both sonic quality and performance options

The original intention of dedicating it to the mistress of (briefly) French Emperor Napoleon Bonaparte, Josephine, was abruptly altered upon discovering the portrait he'd fallen in love with belonged not to her but her maidservant, while Josephine herself he diarised as owning 'a pair of legs you could hang the washing on, hair of golden spaghetti, eyes like two pissholes in the snow, and a complexion as bright and pure as the surface of the moon' - so the maidservant it was!


licorice allsorts

[Pendragon]

licorice allsorts One of the many reasons that the world as a whole consists of overweight people

Diet

[MystyrMystyry]

diet - what to do with a favorite piece of clothing which unfortunately was originally white but accidentally got mixed with a pair of non-fast red cotton socks


socks

[jajdude]

Socks - things you can have in abundance but never find as a matching pair and in good condition. They tend to vanish and become holy. It is recommended that one buy at least 100 of them monthly, and all of them exactly the same so that by month's end one might find two good ones. They are known to cause embarrassment whenever one visits anywhere shoes are meant to be removed.

Also see: odor and dirt traps

Odor

[MystyrMystyry]

odor - odd (or) dour airborne essence, the nasal equivalent of blowflies in your kitchen, a high pitched whine, prickles in your socks, the taste of earwax (from memory), and a cold shower in Winter

Not quite a stench, nor a rank reek, just a lowly pong, though it may evolve into something quite evil if left without investigation to its source


bumblebee

[MarkBastable]

bumblebee - a rather endearing insect, which manages to give the impression that if it were a person it'd be the kindly bespectacled proprietor of an old-fashioned sweet shop.

Unfortunately, the bumblebee is often cited by misinformed, muddle-headed loudmouths as some kind of indication of the flawed precepts of science. "According to scientists, a bumble shouldn't be able to fly! They don't know how it works! Amazing, isn't it! They can put a man on the moon but..." And blahblahblah.

Incidentally, scientists do know how a bumblebee can fly. They are baffled, however, as to how people like that avoid being beaten to death by roaming mobs of miltant rationalists wielding lead pipes.


earwig

[MystyrMystyry]

earwig - 'ere we go again - a merkin for the lugs! What else could it possibly be besides a tiny carnivorous humanbrain muncher with scissorsharp pincers protruding from its arse! God may have designed and manufactured all the other 'sects but this one is the work of Beelzebub Inc and an army of behorned minions! It is rumoured to lay eggs inside the human skull which upon doing the hatch the young thence consume all known neurons for nourishment - well, rumour no more! It happened to me and a few friends a while back. I'm not saying it was a totally bad experience - just 'different' - not something I'd recommend necessarily, but, well, whatcha gonna do?


Forums

[Lokasenna]

Forum - a pleasent, if virtual space lined with a great number of soapboxes, which the incoherent multitudes are permitted to stand upon and bellow loudly in the safe knowledge that no one is listening.

Kettle

[MystyrMystyry]

kettle - ma and pa oompah band, featuring Tom Kettle on Kettle drums and Beryl Kettle paying the fresh Kettlefish - tragically the one 1/2 hit wonder band from Birmingham U.K. came to sudden end in an horrific Greyhound Bus (okay 'coach') incident involving the luggage doors and a (non-ironically) unplugged kettle - I would go into details but that is an altogether different kettle of fish


Quasar

[jajdude]

quasar- some kind of word used in Star Trek or somewhere that few know the meaning of, but many will pretend to know, much like 'black hole' or 'fusion'

Death

[MystyrMystyry]

Death - not, as some would have it, the only known cure for the disease that is Life, but rather the beginning of new life (this is of course dependent on the nature of the demise - blasted into component atoms at ground zero will eventually see them reabsorbed into other life forms, while being pickled in vinegar and kept in a large specimen jar near the event horizon probably won't)


Life

[jajdude]

Life - all things known, and other things perhaps. A very confusing state which we find ourselves stuck in, unaware of alternatives.

Friendship

[MystyrMystyry]

Friendship - HMS Lollypop, a good ship indeed, though in a bit of need - sister ship to the HMS Loveboat, which is in turn the sister ship to the Starship Enterprise in an alternate universe

Three concurrent entwined stories per episode, Captain (Baldy)Stubing/(Baldy)Picard setting Gopher/Number One straight on a few life-matters, and getting the remaining crewmembers lovelives straightened out ('Just don't fraternise with the passengers')

In one episode (Ships Full Of) the three ships meet in a wormhole with zany and quite hysterical consequences


Boiling Point

[Pendragon]

Boiling Point The moment when your mother finally gets tired of the same old story and precedes to grill you about what really happened

Prison

[Neo_Sephiroth]

Prison - The place where you get intrigue by the same sex...

Hunger

[jajdude]

Hunger - For some, a real concern; for others, something akin to boredom.


Curiosity

[MystyrMystyry]

curiosity - one time out of ten a longterm catnap, the other nine times something to get whetted


tiger

[Pendragon]

tiger Large striped cat. Also one whose virility is somewhat akin to the striped one's abilities

short

[MystyrMystyry]

short - in horseracing the opposite to a furlong i.e. not furlong

'How soon until I find out if my horse won by a nose?'
'Not furlong.'

The above example, to the astute amongst us, makes no sense: welcome to the Sport of Kings - so called because only a king can be guaranteeed to win a king's ransom to afford to wage an unopular war, build an unpopular palace etc and not be bothered about losing the next election

It's no wonder the Romans got rid of their kings

In the vernacular it is a mug's game, and what precisely is a mug? A M.U.G. is a Mathematically Uneducated Gambler (remember this - it cost me money) whom, blinded by the cyclopaedia of statistics before his eyes, will attempt to make a calculated judgement based upon number of races won, weight, handicap, age, sex, and whether the jockey (himself usually a furlong short of a height - it assists the illusion) is married, has kids, owns his own house/horse, the kind of car he drives etc

Going by this wealth of information a mug punter will deposit an entire wage on the mere hope that it will buy him a position of king, which it of course won't, thus perpetuating some strange cycle in which no prophecy is fulfilled


laser beam

[Pendragon]

laser beam The High Beam headlights shined in your eyes by an inconsiderate driver on a dark and stormy night

fool

[Neo_Sephiroth]

Fool ~ An illiterate little punk that says "Fooo!!! Foooo!!!"

Candy!!!

[jajdude]

Candy- Girl I met once.

Breath

[MystyrMystyry]

Breath - an expanse, wider than it is deep, and also something to sing about, see niffle


Hairy Hippy

[Lokasenna]

Hairy Hippy - the embryonic stage, assuming it survives, of the raging conservative defender of tomorrow's Establishment. This has lead scientists to hypothesise a connection between hair loss and, say, an attraction to Church Fetes and Conservative clubs, but as yet no proof has been found.

Lemon

[MystyrMystyry]

lemon - cowardly lime, one that has graduated from its green days, and adopted the colouring of the fraidy cat, whom having already been bitter about its early lot has settled on being sour for the remainder


teasmaid

[Pendragon]

teasmaid To taunt the lady who does your laundry

Lawyer

[MystyrMystyry]

lawyer - someone versed in loopholes. The common variety of criminal lawyer possesses an appropriate adjective, and will get you off a charge of murder unless his personal reputation is at stake - and a good one, though rare, everyone else seems to know


judge

[jajdude]

Judge - A much despised person who deserves the scorn he delivers in office, and then goes home to be human.

Panic

[Pendragon]

Panic The point at which you realize that the prosecuting attorney is in fact the Judge's son, and regardless of your guilt your goose is totally cooked


defense

[MystyrMystyry]

defense - not the place to sit after hearing all the evidence against you - too bad if you committed the offense in your sleep or under the Devil's influence


Exhibit B

[Pendragon]

Exhibit B The second in line of odd and unusual evidence provided by either lawyer in a court case that is supposed to be relevant to the matter at hand but is really there to confuse the Jury under the assumption that confused people make errors in judgment which the lawyer presenting the evidence prays falls on his side


Arrest

[Neo_Sephiroth]

ARREST - Something that is made to be bad but is actually good because it is...FREEDOM!!!

Monday!!!

[MatthewFarlow]

Monday- Once a feared but compulsory holiday, Monday (short for Monarch Day) is celebrated weekly in modern times. It is still dreaded and feared by all. Employed hate it because they must return to dreadful work and the unemployed hate it because it reminds them that they have no job to dread.

Grasshopper

[MystyrMystyry]

grasshopper - not much to fear alone, but upon assembling for the Grasshopper Annual Feast they have stomachs a thousand times larger than their bug-eyes and will merrily eat everything not nailed down

In many African villages they are regarded as Gods of Abundance in both number and protein. Dipped in honey they are disproportionately more nutritious and appetising than any equivalent amount of failed crops


bibliography

[Pendragon]

bibliography The great number of falsehoods you tell as to where you got the information you quote in your term paper, Master's Thesis, or Doctorate Thesis

autobiography

[MystyrMystyry]

autobiography - a collection of tall tales, fibs, squibs, and white lies tacked together by the 'hero' to make him appear so - the sort of book written solely for one's personal amusement to correct a few inconsistencies, apologise after the facts, convince themselves the situation was always under their control and owed nothing to chance

Beware the autobog composed by successful businessmen, as much those scrawled on paper napkins by raconteurs, those only to be published immedately after the author's death (the longer the wait the better), and especially the never-should-be-published corrective fiction of ex-politicians

Considering how popular the genre has become amongst the self-important self-authoritative self-indulgent, it's surprising that anyone still reads, believes and cites them



navel gazing

[Pendragon]

navel gazing A supposed relaxation position in which one is to contemplate Nirvana, but actually to disguise the fact that one is so bored they are dozing in the lotus position


Hobo

[MystyrMystyry]

hobo - jolly chap, lives on trains, half philosopher, half adventurer, some are very wealthy (inheritance), generally indisposed to working for the man thus has chosen to instead live on the rails and see America - or at least that part of America the tracks take him to


zebu

[XQZ]

Zebu - is the scary half of a striped horse

Calender

[Oniw17]

Calender-'the calorie ender' -The measurement known as joules.

magic

[MystyrMystyry]

magic - unique qualities possessed by my friends - I never know what it is or what it's going to be until I experience it - but once I do I'm liquid - under their spell for the rest of time


legacy

[Pendragon]

legacy That which is left behind when a person of importance passes on, which immediately causes conflict among relatives and friends, who were looking for a handout from the will instead of memoirs and a good name

Argument

[Oniw17]

Argument- What emotionally immature people do instead of having discussions

homemaker

[Pendragon]

homemaker A word applied to "stay at home spouses" because "slave" seems unduly harsh

spirit medium

[Lokasenna]

Spirit Medium: an adherent of the socially acceptable face of necromancy. Where once such people were rightfully burned as blasphemers and heretics, they now make a profit out of being noted dinner speakers.

Formality

[Pendragon]

Formality any unnatural thing which is done to a person and immediately followed by an excuse, such as policemen asking leading and insinuating questions and then apologizing for them by pointing out that it is "just a formality." Wise men will know them for the liars they are and contact their lawyers at once.

Foolish

[MystyrMystyry]

Foolish - the language of the Foo, which in Ancient Hittite mythology was revered to be the most expressive of any tongue, with a billion different words and inflexions for mountain and more than a trillion for sand (contrasted with the Hittites' mere two for each, neither printable)

The Foo themselves were quite an interesting bunch, descended as they were from a race of demi-gods and who interbred with a flock of disaccociative and very lost Poison Pygmy People (of The Phantom fame) they marched only by night when everyone else were asleep and were believed to criticise people in their dreams

The term foo fighter is thus derived from this ( http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Foo_fighter )



Crystal

[Pendragon]

Crystal Explicitly concise, as in the following exchange:

Policeman to violating driver: "Have I made myself clear, Sir?"

Driver: "Crystal."


Nasty

[Oniw17]

Nasty- athe opposite of the word tasty(only sometimes)

amoral

[XQZ]

amoral - is a contraction and inversion of the French l'amor, meaning love and was used in Victorian times to describe anything from or of the 'immoral' but fun-loving France


ligature

[Astromaxis]

ligature — a form of literature between sinews and bones that brings forth a reaction in the vessel called body or just cramps

[Pendragon]

Since Astromaxis didn't leave a word I'll choose literature from the posting


literature Written fiction or non-fiction that has the distinction of exciting at least one person who reads it. Also a collection of lies (non-fiction) and dreams (fiction) that is usually judged by the cover or because the writer has published several other books, even if the current one sucks

Public Speaking

[MystyrMystyry]

Public Speaking - one of those rare phrases that have an equally positive and negative connotation

Not to be attempted by those who have nothing to speak about, not to be listened to if they do, the public speaker should have learnt the social graces and thus reached a larger audience quietly


Chinese Whispers

[Pendragon]

Chinese Whispers Insidious as in the menacing hiss of Fu Manchu. Conveys threating without raising the voice, horror without loosing a smile, coldness without a frigid tone

Dumbfounded

[MystyrMystyry]

Dumbfounded - a town in U.K originally surveyed by S.J. Gumby's great(5) grandfather

It is now known as Birmingham


Gobsmacked

[Pendragon]

Gobsmacked Drunk and dazed enough to make an a$$ of yourself, and an embarrassment to friends and family

Education

[MystyrMystyry]

Hang on a minute - I'm a touch gobsmackled

Education - For a conservative a right, for everyone else a privilege (with the exception of Natalie Munroe, for whom it is a struggle - and though she may have had a point, her biggest mistake was in making it)


Brainsnap

[jajdude]

Brainsnap -- Either a very painful condition or a peaceful one, depending upon where the word breaks in two, i.e. before or after the "s"..

Wordsmith

[Pendragon]

Wordsmith A writer who due to the fact that his or her sales are enormous, is considered to be a great author, with no consideration of the fact that his or her editor just has bad taste


Learning (Yes, this is different from education!)

[MystyrMystyry]

Learning - Natalie Munroe is learning, but a perhaps better description would be that which we acquire after the fact

i.e. plumbers may be expensive, but they are usually worth every penny, and doctors may be expensive but don't try to replace your knees on your own, psycho-analysists may be expensive but better to talk to them than listen to the voices - no matter how real they may seem


Indoctrination

[Jerrybaldy]

indoctrination - instruction you receive whilst at the doctors, e.g drop your trousers, bend over, just relax. Also, lies told to you by the doc, e.g this won't hurt, I have warm hands.

Gender

[MystyrMystyry]

Gender - that which distinguishes between men and women but without allowance for attractiveness or unattractiveness, availability or unavailability, in-the-mood or not-in-the-mood, sense or nonsense, and many other complicated 'maybes'


Rabbit hole

[Pendragon]

Rabbit hole Mythical place that Alice was unfortunate enough to tumble down, but it could have been worse because there's a hole in the world and people get sucked down forever into bleakest despair


Haunting

[munkinhead]

A ghostly village on the edge of the Gobi.


prototype

[MystyrMystyry]

prototype - a new kind of font that is so hypnotically eyecatching that anything not written in it simply doesn't engage the reader

The effect is so profound that it cannot be defined other than to say the word aesthetics is now out of date due to being coined before the invention

see also blipverts


hypnosis

[Jerrybaldy]

Hypnosis - a mysterious condition leading to the afflicted jumping on a stage and doing a chicken impression before returning to their seat that then seems to have become electrified.

It's sometimes inititiated by a man waving a watch in front of the subject eyes whilst saying ' look at my watch, it's a rolex, I bet you wish you had one' .


Lightning.

[Pendragon]

Lightning Child of the storm with anger issues. It was once said that Jove used lightning to strike down blasphemers, but this has gone out of fashion, seeing as there are larger numbers of blasphemers than ever before, who choose to listen to the mad ranting of insane philosophers than believe in an all-powerful God.


Disrespect

[munkinhead]

Disrespect- The act of casually discarding
an object of value. Failure to detect worth.



encumberance

[MystyrMystyry]

encumbrance - original name for cucumbers until the Troll Gods taught humans how to use them in battle. The result was more cucumbers were dropped in 23456 B.C. than have ever been dropped since


warfare

[Jerrybaldy]

Warfare - The cost to each individual wishing to go to war. My grandfather's warfare was relatively inexpensive, but I looked at going to war recently and the fare was way too high.

Hitchhike

[Pendragon]

Hitchhike Method of begging rides that includes looking as pathetic as possible while concealing your good clothes in a ragged backpack, and of course, begging for "spare change" with one or more heartrending stories despite the full wallet hidden in your tattered jeans.

desperado

[MarkBastable]

desperado - adjective applicable to any eager male between 14 and 21 who conducts his life chiefly in cyberspace.

"Did you ever meet that bloke who was talking to you on Facebook, Chloe?"

"Yuh - he was really nice - but, like, totally desperado."

vol-au-vent

[MystyrMystyry]

vol-au-vent - a NASA physics experiment to create something which is precisely the same weight and substance as oxygen at sealevel - not designed in the advanced science labs but rather the cafeteria where cheffery meets puffery

Though the original purpose was to feed astronauts in sub-zero gravity, it became a game on site as to who could consume the most amount of these airy treats without resort to farting in their spacesuits

(FYI - Neil Armstrong was the easy winner, while Lt Buzz Aldrin came a distant second)


moonlanding

[MarkBastable]

moonlanding: anal sex


crepuscular

[MystyrMystyry]

crepuscular - often confused with crapulescence for some reason (perhaps owing to it being a perfect time to become so, and therefore many Mister and Sister Hydes appear during these hours - though in some circles they are abundant during daylight also - the best bet is to avoid these people unless you are already one of them, in which case they are the best friends you're ever going to have, hence there shouldn't be a problem)


The Early Hours

[Pendragon]

The Early Hours The time a wise man rises after a full night of sleep, and a fool goes to bed after a full night of debauchery

Empirical Evidence

[MarkBastable]

Empirical Evidence - Tough one to define. There ought to be some way of pinning down what empirical evidence is, but no reliable method springs to mind. I guess it's one of those things that you just have to kind of decide in context each time you come across it.


platonic

[Jerrybaldy]

platonic - pretending to have no desire for somebody whilst wanting to screw their brains out.
gravy train

[Pendragon]

gravy train
Said to mean the same as "Easy Street" although this quality has nothing to do with the food "gravy" and even less to do with a "train"



Enlightened

[MystyrMystyry]

Enlightened - of those who have sought to replicate - whether intentionally or otherwise - Benjamin Franklin's 1750 experiment with a kite and key in the middle of an electrical storm

Some have been enlightened more than a dozen times

Grugues the Farmer of Brussels was said to have enlightened all of Belgium and half of the Netherlands


Electricity

[Pendragon]

Electricity Natural earth force, discovered by Franklin, who should have been electrocuted for his foolishness, harnessed by Telsa, and sold by Edison, to whom we owe the torture of steadily increasing electrical bills. Strangely enough, all three have been considered insane at one point or another... Perhaps electricity, said to take place within the human brain, is the source of insanity

discover

[MystyrMystyry]

discover (1) - the myriad tiny scratches that completely cover the surface of unscratchable cd's (and dvd's, and now Blu-Ray discs), which, while offering an interesting diversion from the original content, are highly sought by break'n'enter'n'thieving swine, and cannot be adequately insured because all scratch formations are unique. Fortunately the internet has come to the rescue and offers replacement content for no charge (if you run across the right thieving swine) and there are many downloadable plugins available to add your own virtual scratches

discover (2) - backform of discovery and thence Space Shuttle Discovery and which is coming to an end after 39 missions. It discovered a lot of space junk, and allowed us to rediscover William Shatner (he's still got it)


Corporal Punishment

[Pendragon]

Corporal Punishment Slapping A for the misdeeds of B

Prison

[MystyrMystyry]

Prison - the jail house where you break rocks - at least where you used to - nowadays you get forced to lay around and watch hi def television all day, and forget the bread and water - your food is prepared for you

Yep, if you've been naughty this is the holiday hotel they send you to

Most ex-cons will tell you it's quite a nice place - except for the dickheads - without realising...

Also once on the outside many find that their best memories were back inside The Big House with their brothers, dads, uncles, sons, cousins - where reality in contrast offers only the hard work of planning a bank robbery, breaking into a happy home and terrorising the occupants, shooting people, stealing property, whatever despicable thing it takes to get back in there



Criminal Behavior

[Pendragon]

Criminal Behavior Any actions that are actionable, i.e., that involve police, a lawyer, a courtroom appearance, and possible jail time. This can range from any number of things according to who you are and where you are. For example: It is criminal behavior for an individual to run a "numbers racket" but the State/Country calls it "playing the lottery." Murder is criminal behavior but the government calls it "lawful execution." Usury is considered criminal behavior but the banks and credit cards call it "interest due", the CEO's "rightful bonuses" and the government "taxes". And in Singapore, it is criminal behavior to as much as drop a gum wrapper or spit on the sidewalk, and is severely punished. Having a lot of money can limit liability for criminal behavior nicely.

perjury

[MarkBastable]

perjury - Mafia slang for a unit of bribe.

"What's it gonna cost to boost Yonkers Pete and Jackie Shadow outta this mess, Joe?"

"We gotta be lookin' at ten, twelve k per jury, Mikey."


statuesque

[Pendragon]

statuesque Politically Correct for "Built like a brick pig house"

Imitation

[MystyrMystyry]

Imitation - not, as some would have it, 'the sincerest form of flattery', but rather a creepy violation of one's uniqueness, for have we not all been privy to the feature release Single White Female (with Brigitte Fonda - even if only for the joy of Brigitte Fonda)?

Surely a cautionary tale if ever one needed to be told



Cautionary Tale

[Pendragon]

Cautionary Tale Akin to an "Old Wives Tale" it is a story with a moral told by a parent in the vague hope it will prevent their child from making the same mistakes the parent did


Bogey Man

[MarkBastable]

Bogey Man - A bit like the Tooth Fairy. The Bogey Man collects and removes all the bogeys picked by people on buses and surreptitiously wiped on the bottom of the seat. Were it not for the Bogey Man, the bottom of each seat on the bus would soon be all bogeyed-out and people would have to resort to more obvious surfaces. Within months every bus in the fleet would be completely encrusted in dried bogeys.

Earwax

[MystyrMystyry]

Earwax - bitter residue left after a hive of earwigs (q.v.) have dined on everything at the local brain retaurant. It indicates to other earwigs, in Earwiggian terms, that there's no further good eats do be 'ad around 'ere Wig


Brain Blister

[Pendragon]

Brain Blister Abnormality blamed for those times when you blunder so badly that it becomes highly embarrassing. Also known as a "Brain Fart"


Lost

[MystyrMystyry]

Lost - (and Found) the important part of the box kept under the sink at the local train station. I't's generally full of discarded socks and undergarments which no-one, not even charity shops want. If however you lose something useful like an expensive camera with your precious unrepeatable holiday snaps on it, well, the good news is it's been found, though not by you, but the Station Master who will keep it in his safe under lock and key until someone claims it


Supertrains

[Pendragon]

Supertrains They go under various mild-mannered secret identity's such as the 5:15 (to Paddington), the 3:10 (to Yuma), and the 10:15
(to Grand Central)

Lawbreaker

[munkinhead]

A round hard candy chewed by criminals.



ascertain

[MystyrMystyry]

Ascertain - Funky little outpost in the North-West Frontier where Dusty Boogins formed an alliance with Jack the Backslapper to rob the post train. What they hadn't counted on was a battalion of Mounties in one of the carriages on their way to guard against another similar (though only rumoured) plot whose beans were spilt by Charles the Snitch at the Ontario State Penitentiary (then holding the worst reputation of all prisons in the territories) in a vain attempt to get him off a charge of adultery, the outcome of which is still pending


Target Practice

[munkinhead]

Target practice - What you do at Walmart.




imbibe

[Pendragon]

imbibe Politically correct for "I drink like a fish"


darkness

[MystyrMystyry]

Darkness - A state of the world after the unexpected actually happens. In the back of even the most optimistic mind toothaches are a very real possibility, but nothing can prepare you for the onset, and you can't remember the pain - but it's its own self-contained Hell


Dentist

[Cunninglinguist]

Dentist - sadistic freak of nature. The dentist attempts to deny any human sympathies. However, unable do this indefinitely, when they finally get to him an overwhelming sense of guilt causes the dentist to commit suicide.

Housewife

[Pendragon]

Housewife Now more politically correctly known as a "stay at home mom", she does the million things to keep a clean house and prepare meals for her indifferent husband and ungrateful children. She dreams quite often of running away and the vacuum cleaner salesman at the door looks pretty cute

Enslaved

[munkinhead]

enslaved: see housewife



ensconce

[MarkBastable]

Ensconce: A little forensic etymology is needed here.

sconce    /skɒns/
–noun

1. a bracket for candles or other lights, placed on a wall, mirror, picture frame, etc.
2. the hole or socket of a candlestick, for holding the candle.

So ensconce (verb) means to stick a candle in.

In its literal form, the word is pretty much moribund. But it has a slang meaning that we'd probably better not get into as it will provide further evidence to those flocking to agree with the OP in this thread (http://www.online-literature.com/forums/showthread.php?t=60204)that the world is becoming an irreversibly vulgar place and we're all going to end up reading comic-books and using the wrong spoon for our soup.


cutlery

[MystyrMystyry]

cutlery - plural of preferred pirate weaponry, as uttered by the cutthroats wielding them.

'Arr - 'Fore we boarrd The Rose-Marie we wanta panic-stricken 'em, so make sure thar's a proper show an' clash o' glitterin' cutlerry - Arrr!'



Galleon

[Pendragon]

Galleon Originally a sailing ship, this wooden wonder has gone the way of the dinosaur, meaning that people doubt that it ever existed in the first place outside of movies, despite evidence to the contrary

Existence

[Disagree]

Existence

A psychological disorder whose symptoms include excessive coffee drinking and an obsession with wearing berets.


Obfuscate

[MystyrMystyry]

Obfuscate - an expression akin to What the bejeezes!, usually declared when someone realises that they've been duped - and uttered very fast to obscure the actual words e.g. at Royal dinner parties (Oh - For F***s Sake! would see you removed from the Queen's table and reseated somewhere near the Queen's stable)


Embarassment

[Patrick_Bateman]

Embarrassment - Nervous agitation caused by one's foot entering one's mouth.


Pestilence

[Calidore]

Pestilence: A request by one jousting knight to borrow the weapon of another.


Sanitary

[Pendragon]

Sanitary The word originally meant "free from germs" but now means "having an acceptable number of deficiencys"
such as the standards for food packaging which alows for a certain amount of hair, mouse poo, and other contaminants, but is still considered "sanitary" possibly because the powers that be have lost their sanity.

DNA

[MystyrMystyry]

DNA - (1) an acronym for Denver Naval Attachment (rarely used)

DNA - (2) attempt by scientists to formularise by abbreviation the wonder that is life (an attempt incidentally which doesn't work as life is already too short for most (and unfortunately too long for a few). In the future they hope to extend life by studying the formula so that they will have more time to study it and therefore to extend it etc etc - a vicious circle indeed


Google

[MarkBastable]

Google: Like HAL, but much much scarier.


Dalek

[MystyrMystyry]

Dalek - the metallic vernacular of Dr Murgatroyd Cocopops Who (13th Doctor) (am I allowed to use his full name? No matter - he can always go back in time and change it) anyway, his most resilient and persistent toythings, for why should a child-entity who keeps regenerating through universe to universe not have a few toys resistant to the ravages of time to play with? Try as he may to break one, immediately appear ten in its place. Davros, their controlling head-of-operations speaks this language like a native (a native of 'where' is another question) and uses it to full effect in the third installment: The Elocution of Halfo, where (spoiler alert!) the good Doctor (of psychology this time around) makes the speculative connection that the nasty D's recalcitrance may be in part due to his bad enunciation. Many hijinks ensue as he vainly attempts to remove Davros's tongue and vocal tract via the 'forcefeeding sonic screwdriver' method championed by K9 the robot puppy (spoiler over) which if successful and proving true would be no problem except-

Ah but you'll have to wait for that episode...


Tardis

[Pendragon]

TARDIS An improbable blue Police Call Box, bigger on the inside than out in defiance of all laws of physics, able to travel in both time and space, ergo to be anywhere and anywhen, sometimes simultaneously. This is piloted by a being over 900 years old, who regenerates upon death into a different actor, um, person, but can only do this 12 times, making 13 Doctors in all, unless the show runs out, in which case like the Doctor’s enemy, The Master, who ran out of regenerations years ago, a loophole will be found. Death in itself is a paradox for the Doctor, as his past personas cross paths with his present on occasion, leading to gatherings of up to all 13 at the same time. A fabulous paradox!

Who

[MarkBastable]

Who - Horton's notable auditory input.


Dr Seuss

[Calidore]

Dr. Seuss: Reverse malpractice

Classical

[Pendragon]

Classical Any song that was recorded or written before your teenage kids got into music, sometimes referred to as "That garbage my parents listen to."

Teenage

[jajdude]

Teenage - the years of all knowing and all woe, when no one gets you and you get no one.

Adulthood

[MystyrMystyry]

Adulthood - licorice flavored edible crotchless pantaloons, worn on the head during congress to greatly improve and prolong arousal and performance



Victory

[Disagree]

Victory

A sensation characterized by a smug sense of one's own self worth.

Swaddle

[jajdude]

Swaddle -- the verb for the type of clothes baby Jesus was wrapped in.

pacify

[MystyrMystyry]

Pacify - to have both arms and legs broken before you can do any further damage


Wikipaedia

[Calidore]

Wikipedia: An online encyclopedia written by the people it should be teaching.

Black Hole

[Pendragon]

Black Hole Having such a bad mood that even the light of reason and the joy of life cannot pierce the veil of sadness that surrounds you


Space

[Calidore]

Space: The area of nothing which is inside everything and which everything is inside.

Butterfly

[Pendragon]

Butterfly A most dangerous insect which by merely flapping its wings can cause disaster on the opposite side of the globe according to Chaos theory.

Metamorphoses

[MystyrMystyry]

Metamorphoses - The art of outwardly seeming to alter, but actually staying the same. Insects are the unchallenged masters of the technique (consider the cute caterpillar becoming the cute butterfly, the disgusting maggot turning into the equally disgusting blowfly)

Therefore the more things appear to change the more they fundamentally do not

Some writers metamorphose into cockroaches, some cockroaches into writers - some revert - but in essence they are the same

Witness Franz Kafka who believed he was a cockroach, and no-one noticed (actually this is more a self-delusional illusion, and though it doesn't really count, is still worthy of consideration)



Joker

[Pendragon]

Joker1) A person whom, fueled with liquor, is infinitely less funny than he thinks. There is at least one in every gathering, and sparks and vile jokes fly when they fight for territory. It is not a pleasant experience.

2) A person who insists on telling jokes when you are trying to tell your own

Fate

[MystyrMystyry]

Was he a cockroach who wrote? Or a writer who roached?

Sorry, what? Oh - Fate is it?


Fate - the hallucination that everything happens for a reason, and there's purpose in it

Who you are does not indicate whom you are, inasmuch as getting hit by a bus is bad luck - very bad luck I'll grant you - but merely bad luck

You are not badly fated unless it happens again the same afternoon - by any bus, anywhere

Here comes one now...

Boarding a bus is also bad luck - but boarding the same bus day after day after day, morning and afternoon to the same destinations ad nauseum will drive you bonkers, which is why people do it - they don't need a bus - they need a vallium and a long rest!


vallium

[Pendragon]

Valium Highly addictive quack cure-all for the hopelessly depressed and highly gullible. The need for more of the drug to get the same result as time passes is a high conduit for the onset of stark insanity. Caveat emptor.

Cave Canium

[MarkBastable]

Valium Highly addictive quack cure-all for the hopelessly depressed and highly gullible. The need for more of the drug to get the same result as time passes is a high conduit for the onset of stark insanity. Caveat emptor.

Cave Canium

Shouldn't that be cave canem? Accusative, which is what I seem to remember cavere takes.

I also remember being shown this when I was thirteen.....

http://listverse.files.wordpress.com/2009/10/canem2.jpg


..though if the Roman equivalent of signwriters were anything like as arbitrary in their use of grammar as those currently plying their trade in South London, this example of usage is not necessarily much to go on.

(This message has been brought to you by Grammar School Pedants Inc - picking nits for profit and pleasure.)

[Calidore]

I Googled both and found lots of cave canem, but no cave canium, so I'll go with the former.

Cave Canem: Warning often heard in nightclubs frequented by seminary and law students when the hour grows late and the pickings grow slim.


Candelabra

[MystyrMystyry]

Candelabra - Fancy name for a tri-pronged candlestick holder, an item the fancy famous penis (whoops, pianist) Liberace placed upon his fancy organ (whoops, piano) during concerts in place of a sizzling redhead in a split red dress

Observe that it is the only word to rhyme with abracadabra indicating perhaps the Satanic element of how a chubby (whoops, portly) little man of such limited talent and charm with equally chubby little fingers became so incredibly successful

Other aspects of his life include a besequinned tendency, innumerable gold-plated Rolls Royces and grand pianos parked in the living room which he shared with his mother and extensive collection of rare fluffy white cats, expensive dental work - and most notably a role as guest villain in a dual episode of Batman the television series

And all this in an age of student riots, the Vietnam war, and Richard Nixon


Horrible - just too horrible...



Swinging Sixties

[MarkBastable]

Swinging Sixties - bondage night at the Golden Acres Residential Home.


pangolin

[MystyrMystyry]

Pangolin - particularly confused pineapple that thinks it is simultaneously a skunk, a sloth, an armadillo, an aardvark*

You're a fruit! Get back in that tree!



Nocturnal


*Always wanted to put aardvark last for a change - they've had it too good for too long...

[Calidore]

Nocturnal: One who raps on a door and immediately opens it without waiting for a response.


Calibrate

[MarkBastable]

Calibrate - to be so pleased to have lost five pounds that you mark the occasion by engulfing a 14" pepperoni pizza and two chocolate eclairs


Repartee

[MystyrMystyry]

Repartee - Unique Italian-style news gathering, up there with paparazee style landscape photography

Dating from Early Etruscan times when the king had unlimited wealth to accompany his unlimited age, unlimited underage orgies to accompany his unlimited libido, and unlimited power to silence his unlimited opposition

Fortunately many centuries have come and gone, and we now live in the Twentyfirst century where this sort of thing just doesn't happen (because of repartee?)



Paparazzi

[Pendragon]

First, sorry about my faux pas, but I never studied Latin. :prrr:

Paparazzi Those who make the rich and famous actually pay for being rich and famous by haunting them, even to death, if Princess Diana is any example, with exploding flashbulbs, leading often to exploding tempers from the celebrities

Possitive (Bierce himself said, "Mistaken at the top of one's lungs")

Nit Pick

[MystyrMystyry]

Nit Pick - to be Royally painful to another's anus - especially if the other doesn't give a flying toss about whatever the hell the first is on about

Take my landlord (Please!) for example - the house itself has no character, but the driveway lets in lots of leaves - these give it some character - but he doesn't like the house having character so at six am on a Wintry Sunday hangover he'll be out there with a 10 h.p. blower - and won't stop until every last leaf is back out on the street where 'it belongs'

Now, I have a really good suggestion where he can park his blower, though perhaps not in polite company - but I don't want to nit pick his 'character' unless I end up on the street where he may decide 'I belong'


fungi

[Pendragon]

fungi The mushrooms you love to eat on your pizza, hamburger, or steak, at least until you realize that slime molds are fungi as well. It is not good sense to pick your own fungi, as some that look delicious are but a gateway to death.

Regrets

[MystyrMystyry]

Regrets - the delusion that one once had the power to change the universe - not so - and down there with 'shame' that one once had the power to change themself

Where a simple idea may have been acted upon causing a disruption that one may consider regretful - the solution could be as simple as not to get so drunk the next time - or more drunk - depending upon the nature of the transgression


Party

[Calidore]

Party: In politics, one's gang affiliation.


Travesty

[Pendragon]

Travesty In the courtroom, for a rich defendant to be found guilty on all charges or a poor person to be found not guilty, the news will treat them both the same

Police

[MystyrMystyry]

Police - Special sector of society that doesn't like its time wasted - yet doesn't mind wasting yours

Expensive to operate, ever ill-equipped, slow to react and always too late - and we wonder why crime's on the increase


Money

[MarkBastable]

Money - <............................................>*



Owl































*Definition excised. Subject too tight to mention.

[Pendragon]

Owl A bird said to be wise, but has a single word vocabulary, "Who"

Yardbird

[MystyrMystyry]

Yardbird - arguably where all this metal business began

You've got your Heavy Metal, you've got your Thrash Metal, you've got your Doom Metal, you've got your Death Metal, you've got your Black Metal, you've got your Bubblegum Metal, you've got your Grandma Metal, you've got your Metal Metal, you've even got your Metal Metal Metal

But before any of it was a Yardbird flapping it's wings in slow steady sweeps (beats) and squawking away like so many distorted guitars

And so a legend was born...

Such was its modesty it didn't even call itself Metal - if it had it would probably have called itself Bird Metal


Modesty

[Pendragon]

Modesty The little move by which a woman with 75% visible cleavage pulls her skirt down over her knees...


Moral

[MystyrMystyry]

Moral (1) - an element of personal philosophy that needs to be meted - those with them tend to have too many, and those without are in desperate need (though blissfully unaware of the fact)

Moral (2) - strange little ineffectual twist to an otherwise potentially interesting tale - in the hands of a skilled story teller it is best applied with subtlety if at all, not troweled on with a shovel (I'm looking at you Pinocchio!)


Log

[MarkBastable]

...'meted'?

[MystyrMystyry]

meted - allotted, apportioned, measured, doled (out)

(and quite a number of others too, like a boundary, a gate, a fence etc)



log

[Nikhar]

log:- a verb that collectively defines the action of a man sitting on a piece of wood and using his personal computer to make some mathematical calculations.

non-vegetarianism:-

[aliengirl]

non-vegetarianism - A practical theory which holds that one must do one's bit to maintain the food chain and thereby sustain ecological balance.

circumlocution

[Pendragon]

circumlocution Any movement that has you going around in circles as if you were on a Native American death walk. See Politics.

Vanity

[Calidore]

Vanity: Excessive pride in one's recreational vehicle.

Haberdasher

[MatthewFarlow]

Haberdasher (n.): A man who would sell you anything - even the clothes on his back!

Forklift

[Calidore]

Forklift: Eating

Astronaut

[MarkBastable]

Astronaut - proof not only that there's a God, but that he's particularly fond of facetious tabloid headline writers. There's no other explanation for the word lending itself to so many smirking variations.

Homemade Space Rocket is Astronuts!

Steak-Dinner Pill for Gastronauts!

AstroCourt! Judge Judy Beamed to Alien Galaxy!

Zero-Grav Olga gets Astronaughty!


Incidentally, God's pretty keen on rock lyricists too, which is why there are so mainy convenient rhymes available for adolescent songs - school/fool/rule, change/rearrange, boy/toy, honey/money and of course champagne/cocaine/pull a train/stick various parts of the body in garbage bags and dispose of them in some remote stretch of inhospitable and bleak terrain.


...er. Sorry. Where were we?

effervescence

[MystyrMystyry]

Effervescence (1) - the fifth of the crazy, but completely natural light effects - phosphorescence, luminescence, fluorescence, iridescence, and, sadly, lastly, effervescence

Why sad? Why last?

Because the phenomena may only be experienced by the fortunate few synaesthetics amongst us (of which group I just so happen to belong - er, rainbows don't smell like you'd think they would, if you were wondering)

This was twisted by a marketing genius into a quality that may be contained in an aerated liquid form to be tasted as though you can see with your tongue

Though actually having been around for centuries in the form of champagne and ages in the form of natural spring water - it's only very recently that scientists have begun taking it seriously - why exactly they feel the need to take it seriously is the result of a miscommunication in an inter-office memo

The directive was actually to 'taste it - seriously' with the word 'refreshing' cut off due to a printing error and the word 'taste' rendered sufficiently illegible that it required interpretation - wrongly as it turns out

There is an artificially manufactured version of effervescence but as it's a bit pricey compared with the generic lemonade and ginger ale very few have heard it with their own noses and it is largely left on the supermarket shelf


See also poison gas, toxic fumes, greenhouse gas, mustard gas, Nazi nerve gas


Effervescence (2) - The type of personality disorder which sees the afflicted taste rainbows in everything, put sugar in their coffee, require continual stimulation through 'earbuds', feel the compulsion to rub their tummies up against furniture and strangers, and like words with 'gh' in them

If you find this person pm me immediately - they are extremely ferocious and should be removed from the party with tact, delicacy and deceit - whichever works...


Magazine

[Pendragon]

Magazine Written publication that used to contain stories and articles but now contains mostly advertisements and is a depository for endless "bill me latter" offers

Writer

[MystyrMystyry]

Writer - Contrary to popular imagination, not actually one who writes


Actually it's one who has been published in some traditional form, for better or worse, for good or ill, for warp or weft, for profit or loss

see also 'MarkBastable' (or better yet ask him to explain the ropes)



MarkBastable

[Pendragon]

MarkBastable Mysterious poster of weird and wise sayings who apparently is a dead ringer for the Joker

Asylum

[MystyrMystyry]

Asylum (1) - place where what is served is all that's left, left is write, write is black, black is Blake, Blake is Yeats, Yeats is in cake, cake is cream, cream is off, off is on, on is strange, strange rhymes with orange, orange is apples, apples is pears, pairs is threes, threes is fours, fours is easy, easy is hard, hard is soft, soft is solid, solid is liquid, liquid is lunch, lunch is dinner, dinner is served

Periodically the loonies overtake the place, but then the other loonies take it over from them, and then the other loonies take over from them, so it's never quite clear who's in charge, but it's one of the best parties in town


Asylum (2) - an imaginary land where there are no wars, no riots, no racism, no-one gets mugged, beat up for no reason, everyone has the same chance, all are equal - but at least the government appears to change hands fairly regularly (actually that last one might be a bit true...)


Democracy

[Pendragon]

Democracy Government of the people by people old enough to know better, and who can not remember a time when they weren't arrogant fools

Liberty

[munkinhead]

Liberty

a) An imposition that is to be taken.

b) The specious conceit that one might have something
to do with steering the life they are leasing.

[Calidore]

How about some of our own words and definitions?

Destabilize: To let the horses out

[MystyrMystyry]

Crystal set - to be a member of a hippie sect


That's no fun! You want to know how the next poster jumblifies the chosen word


Sectarian

[Calidore]

One doesn't have to exclude the other.

Sectarian: One who believes everything should be divided before eating.

Summa cum laude: Latin for "An angry mob is approaching."

Partisan

[Pendragon]

Partisan Stubborn refusal to see anything outside of the story your group has come up with, glaringly obvious facts to the contrary...

Obvious Clear enough to me and you cannot help it if you are a blind prejudiced fool!

Runaway

[MystyrMystyry]

Runanway - someone who simply cannot be induced to hang around a dull atmosphere while there is so much excitement to be had elsewhere

My 95 year old Grandmother was a a habitual runaway from her nursing home causing much consternation amongst family and staff - but to her it was the clear distinction of living a death or seeing some of the world while there was still life left in her, unfortunately I was too young to intervene and went with the family attitude that she was a pain - but really if they'd left her be she probably would have become a success in some field and lived to see 195 (at least)

Old age - no such thing - 100 years isn't old it's just not long enough for people who still have all their faculties

Some people are already old at ten, others at twenty etc - so really it's just relative


Tearaway

[Calidore]

Tearaway: To bulldoze a new path

Indifferent: The same


Habeas Corpus

[MarkBastable]

Maybe we should have another thread for old words that you've already prepared new definitions for, as opposed to new definitions for words that are proposed by someone else - which admittedly can be a bit frustrating if you've got a good definition all lined up and no one seems likely to propose the word that would allow you to trot it out.

[Calidore]

I don't think we really need an entirely new thread for such a subtle distinction. The Devil's Dictionary is funny definitions; seems to me irrelevant whether they're provided by the same person or different people. Both are fun to read and write, and fun is what it's about, no?

[MarkBastable]

I don't think we really need an entirely new thread for such a subtle distinction. The Devil's Dictionary is funny definitions; seems to me irrelevant whether they're provided by the same person or different people. Both are fun to read and write, and fun is what it's about, no?

Good God, no.

But that apart, it's a game - which is why it's in the game section - and the game is that you supply a definition and set the next word to be defined by someone else. Indeed, in the post that set up this thread, Nikhar said,


I post a word. You tell us what it means. You post another word. The next person tells us what that means.



It's not a complicated game, but that's the way it works.

Compare the 'Rate That Song' thread, in which someone posts a link to a music video, and the next person comments on it, rates it out of ten and then posts a new link. There's no real reason why people shouldn't just post links willy-nilly, and comment on them themselves, and then rate them - but that's just not how the game works.

Both threads are specifically about passing on the baton, and are designed that way to minimise the possibility of one person churning out multiple entries in multiple posts. Of course - there's no reason not to have a thread that actively encourages that, but my own suggestion would be that this isn't it.

What do other regular posters to this thread think?

[Pendragon]

What do other regular posters to this thread think?

One thread, irregardless of which way we do it. Some are too good to miss posting, but always, always leave a word for the next person.

Habeas Corpus Latin meaning "you have the body?" a nebulous writ sometimes applied to crimes where it has no jurisdiction, there not being a body since the malefactor was arrested simply for forgery. It is also applied to crimes where the body/bodies are all too evident, but the lawyer is sharp enough to claim "unjust detention". (See OJ Simpson)


Malefactor

[Calidore]

One thread, irregardless of which way we do it. Some are too good to miss posting, but always, always leave a word for the next person.

Absolutely.

Malefactor: Y chromosome


Absolutely

[Pendragon]

Absolutely Said of something that has a slightly better chance of being true than a snowball's chance in Hell, often loudly, as if volume can make it true or false!


Nefarious

[Pendragon]

Nefarious Famous for wrongdoing, so obviously an elected official in any political stage, able to put both feet in their mouth at the same time while simultaneously jumping to conclusions, pushing their luck and swapping horses in midstream at flood stage. Highly hilarious to watch, shows nightly on the evening news.

Election

[Calidore]

Nefarious: One who commits naughty deeds, recognizable by his unnerving, boisterous laugh and his twirlable mustache.

Election: Causing a political party member to rise higher, enabling him to screw his constituents senseless.

Lackadaisical

[Pendragon]

Lackadaisical Being too apathetic to get up from in front of the TV to get that cold beer you've been dying to get, and waiting for your spouse to appear so you can holler at him/her to get it for you, only he/she has figured you out by now and has gone to bed

Ostentatious

[MystyrMystyry]

Ostentatious - committing a verb so that everyone observes and makes comment, and for no other purpose

Going to the more populous supermarket so that as many people as possible will see that you're still alive is a form of ostentation

'Hello Frank! Fancy meeting you here - I thought you were dead! Hey look everybody - it's Frank! And he's still alive!'



Gregarious

[Pendragon]

Gregarious 1) Said of a person who has the right to remain silent but lacks the wisdom to do so

2) Said of people whose tongues are tied in the middle and blab at both ends, see Gossip

Blogger

[Calidore]

Blogger: A male tree harvester

Prestidigitation: The art of using ten fingers to suspend the disbelief of thousands, without visible wires.

Fanatic

[Pendragon]

Fanatic Completely devoted to a sport, athlete, race car driver, cause, etc. that I personally despise.

Exams

[MystyrMystyry]

Exams - mysterious qualification tests (derived from X-M - X for mystery and M for mapping) designed in such a manner that no matter what you do for preparation you can never actually be prepared

Some X-M s have become so sophisticated in their elusive illusory purpose that an entire year must be set aside in order merely to steady the participants' nerves - but no allowance is made for the outcome except that a tick will find you walking a path you may not have considered while a cross will find you walking a path you may not have considered

Because the ultimate judges in these trials are the Secret Secret Association of Monks found hidden in the caves of Shangri-La who communicate with ESP, only they can tell which path for whom will be which - but they aren't telling



Thesis

[jajdude]

Thesis - Sibling of Thebro

Apprehension

[Calidore]

Apprehension: A state of nervousness about 1) whether one's application software will be used by anyone; or 2) the possibility of being arrested.

Promote: To advocate digging a surrounding ditch.

Glacial

[Pendragon]

Glacial Ice on a slow, slow ride

Forget An illusion that never happens when you actually are trying to get over something, like your pants falling down on stage during the Senior play, but manifests itself whenever you really need the facts, such as during that final exam that will earn you a Doctorate

PHD

[MystyrMystyry]

PHD - Supposedly impressive sounding but ultimately silly and fluffy bit of the alphabet some misguided wretches choose to bung at the end of their names to show that they've accomplished a tedious task few others are actually interested in

Though in rare instances it may have the effect of drawing attention away from the rest of the person's given name, it won't necessarily produce the desired result

'My name is Billy-Bob Bouncy-Bumboils PHD-'

'Step back from the car... I said step back from the car! Put your hands behind your head where I can see them..!'

A far easier and quicker way to collect the initials for those whom this cautionary warning has been insufficient to dissuade, is simply to adopt an Oxford stammer away from the famous university town and say phrases like 'I'll get you, you wascally wabbit!' whilst toting a shotgun and duck hunter's cap


Cartoons

[Calidore]

Cartoons: Road trip songs

Collate: Jointly tardy

Stereo

[MystyrMystyry]

Stereo - to drive with the radio so loud that it interferes with your competence and you should be riding bulls in Nebraska

Curiously, having two voluminous sound sources in an enclosed environment actually negates the effects of separation, music, and brain function which is the reason passersby can only discern a repetitious muffled Doof! Doof!


Corruption

[Calidore]

Corruption: When two people simultaneously lose their temper.

Misanthropy: Donating to women's causes

Heirloom

[MystyrMystyry]

Heirloom - what the Duke of Cambridge will use to knit a new rug for incubating his egg and thence the Duchess of Cambridge can run her fingers through it without ending up with a hand full of dilapidated rusty springs

The real purpose however is for the crown to fit comfortably on his crown

Can also be used, and probably will, to create manly chest merkins


Throne

[Three Sparrows]

Throne - a false sense of superiority coupled with acute mental idiocy produced by inbreeding. Also known as an object representative of pointless bickering.

Island

[Pendragon]

Island I am told, reliably, that "No Man" is an island, which is actually a piece of real estate completely surrounded by water and covered with a thick growth of real estate and IRS agents

Royal Having the fortune to be born into the reigning family regardless of whether you are an homicidal maniac or a complete fool.

"Would your Majesty please step this way and place your Royal hands into these handcuffs?"

A good example of this is having The Crown Prince known affectionately as "Prince Eddy" be a prime suspect in the Jack the Ripper murders and vanishing in such a way as to suggest he was perhaps "culled for the greater good."


Collateral Damage

[Pendragon]

Collateral Damage Military for "Oops!"


War

[Pendragon]

War The usual end of negotiations when neither party really wants to negotiate, but hold stubbornly to their own agenda, expecting the other to change

Refuge

[MystyrMystyry]

Refuge - A place for refugees, somewhere between a a deluge, for delugees, and refuse, for refusees

Best not to think about it - it'll ruin your day


Promised Land

[Pendragon]

Promised Land Mysterious place, sometimes known as "the sweet by and by" where all our sorrow and pain will be turned to joy. Unfortunately, we live in "the nasty now and now".

Depression A black day in a series of black days

Lethe

[Pendragon]

Lethe Ancient river whose water caused forgetfulness. Now bottled and sold as Absinthe, Tequila, etc...

Doornail

[Calidore]

Doornail: A special kind of nail used when putting up boards to keep the zombies out. Designed to break away at dramatically appropriate moments.

Genitalia: Roman family tree

Odyssey

[Pendragon]

Odyssey Exploratory journey, such as trying to find happiness at the bottom of a glass

Shot Glass

[aliengirl]

Shot Glass- A small glass with an 'r' missing.

Death

[Pendragon]

Death Life's natural endgame, in which our "King", the actual breath of life, falls to The Grim Reaper's current stratagem


Taxes

[MystyrMystyry]

Taxes - that which those who can least afford to, pay the most; and conversely those who can most afford to, pay the least

Originally installed because every money grubbing scam the government has come up with to steal our precious hard-earned, from traffic cams, to laser cams, from registration to license fees to compulsory third party to a whack at the bowser to stamp duty to council rates to parking meters - well it obviously just isn't enough to fund these dead-beat bureaucrats' extended holidays and - you think the cosa nostra are evil - they're nothing compared to our elected representatives

And instead of locking them up, we hand them gold passes and listen as they try to act intelligent and deflect criticism - and it's just the same tired game that's been going on since Ancient Greece

My solution? Don't vote - it only encourages them. One day we'll get the government we deserve


Tax Return

[Pendragon]

Tax Return A return by the government of a fraction of the amount of money forcibly removed from the taxpayers checks in the hope of making the taxpayer unaware of how much he or she has actually been snookered out of to pay for things like "The Advanced Study of Cow Flatulence"

Bill of Rights

[Pendragon]

Bill of Rights Document of the US Government which now has to be interpreted to fit specific events, in spite of its very simple statements.

Reopen To put the dice back into the cup for another throw

Invention

[MystyrMystyry]

Invention - (n) something which the world had lived comfortably without for all its ages, until some smarty pants had arrived at a means to improve his bank balance by convincing everyone they never knew how they lived without it

Invention - (v) the secret offspring of the necessitous father and imaginative mother of itself, but which soon the world will know when it comes to need it to mow its lawns




Telegraph Wires

[Edward Prendick]

Telegraph Wires - Outdated technology worth more in monetary value than in usage.

Handcuff

[Pendragon]

Handcuff Painful procedure tantamount to Police Brutality, where in the "person of interest" is slammed into several walls, the ground, etc, has his/her arms twisted behind the back painfully, and has their rights read to him/her while he/she is too stunned to comprehend

Search Warrent

[MystyrMystyry]

Search Warrant - piece of paper which under the fourth amendment can be issued by an authority as probable cause - well, thanks to that it makes it even easier for someone with grade school literacy skills to dupe an unwary illiterate out of their belongings

Good Cop: [holding a folded flyer for a special at the local air salon] 'We have a warrant to search your house for illicit things!'

Victim: 'Oh - in that case you'd better come in, I guess.'

Bad Cop: 'What's this? Looks like a stolen big screen plasmabox and surround sound system to me. Help me take this into the car would you?'

Victim: 'Funny - that doesn't look like a police car to me - in fact you don't look like police-'

Good cop: 'We're undercover - any more questions and we'll arrest you for assaulting us...'



Guilty Pleasures

[Pendragon]

Guilty Pleasures The terribly satisfying things one enjoys that one later regrets

Liquor

[MystyrMystyry]

Liquor - from L'ichor, 'The blood of the Gods' and who would I be to disagree - it fortifies the spirit against sorrow, woe and loss; it makes a party where there is none to be had; it makes all men feel like brothers - but don't overdo it! That's all I can say - too much will result in the ducks and drakes, and give you nightmares from which there is no respite

see also 'Lost Weekend'


Lost Weekend

[Pendragon]

Lost Weekend Result of a rather long bottle party in which everything with the slightest alcoholic content has been consumed including the after shave and canned heat

Stoned

[Calidore]

Stoned: A state of altered consciousness resulting from A) substance abuse or B) being pelted with rocks.

Circumstance: One's position on foreskin removal.

Composer

[DocHeart]

socks

(1) Perishable clothing item which disappears from your drawer after an average of three washes.

(2) Self-pleasuring accessory used to cover the male article in order to prevent soiling of the bedding upon climaxing.

beer

[Pendragon]

Composer One who assaults the ear using classical music

Beer The leading cause of obesity in the world

Lodge

[MystyrMystyry]

Lodge - headquarters of a secretive organisation comprising professional lawn-mowers and tree-loppers, whom on the weekend transform into 'The Garden Masons' who drink a lot of home-brewed ale and compare true stories about the previous seven days. Note: only lawn-mowers and tree-loppers - no lumberjacks or landscapers who go by different names and meet in different premises; though the homebrew is much the same, the tales most definitely are not


Hedgehog

[Pendragon]

Hedgehog God's joking way of showing us that all pets are not cuddly


Platypus

[MystyrMystyry]

Platypus - God's ultimate joke on Darwin for He knew the day would come - so here it is, by defying the evolutionary laws as they were being laid down: a furry mammal with a duck bill and feet, tail of an otter, that lays eggs, has poisonous barbs at the end of it's toenails, and last but by no means least - and get this - stuns it's prey with electricity like an electric ray!

Darwin ultimately conceded that it was either Friday in Heaven, or a side-project to occupy the Creator on a Wintry Sunday afternoon using up a few spare parts

(he awarded it one star for creative effort, but later retracted upon having to accept it is not necessarily the survival of the fittest, but rather the survival of anything that can survive)



Catacombs

[Pendragon]

Catacombs Places where human bones are kept in underground vaults. For some reason they are set up like labyrinths either to keep the spirits of the dead confused and wandering or to confuse the tourist and add to the collection...

Parsimonious

[Pendragon]

Parsimonious Able to grab money with both hands and thoroughly incapable of letting it go.


Moon

[Pendragon]

Moon That which supposedly works to drive people insane, thus causing them to drop their pants and expose their buttocks at other people, which I am given to understand constitutes an insult


Gesture

[MystyrMystyry]

Gesture - action not meant to be taken seriously

'What's this?'
'It's a gratuity.'
'A?'
'You know, a tip - to show my appreciation.'
'Of what?'
'The service.'
'You weren't impressed?'
'No, I was very impressed - that's why I've supplied a tip.'
'Oh - what should I have done to earn a whole dollar?'
'I'm not sure - in the nude?'
'Listen why don't you take this 50 cents and stick it up-...'



Uranium

[Pendragon]

Uranium Small angry molecules that have a tendency to go boom at bad times and may one day destroy the earth as we know it

Extraterrestrial

[MystyrMystyry]

Extraterrestrial - watch out for these gentlemen, they might not be so gentle as you think! Sporting vapouriser pistols and plasma guns, some of them shoot laser beams from their big buggy eyes, while others are all squirmy like gooey land octopuses with tentacles and are covered in poisonous exploding toady warts and razor sharp claws...

Gives me the chills just thinking about it.



Haunted House

[Pendragon]

Haunted House Sort of like The Blair Witch Project, a building where serious investigators such as SyFy's own Ghost Hunters manage to scare themselves silly while collecting evidence that at best is open to a lot of interpretation.

One thing that always amazes me is that people testify to seeing ghosts in broad daylight and yet investigators have to wait till dark and then turn off all lights except night vision...

Poltergeist

[MystyrMystyry]

Poltergeist - extraordinarily noisy ghost (see My Landlord - or rather, avoid him!)

Should you encounter one, you may wish to invest in a pair of Creative EP-630's as the only effective measure of blocking the noise out, and though you will also block out noise from all sources, I've found mp3's encoded with subtle background ambience of tweety birds and ocean waves fill the bill.

Anyway, ghosts - there are a many sorts of ghosts, both loud and quiet, but a good rule of thumb is that, like dogs, a barking one never bites - unless it's a rottwieller or similar.

This poltergeist sort of ghost is not to to be confused with any other sort of ghost which is why it has its own special classification - a quiet, shy retiring ghost is, alas, just a ghost - but in being 'just a ghost' they can also prove their own veracity: I am of course referring to the tale The Hiding Ghost of Hallows Manor in which old Lord Hallows on his deathbed made a solemn vow that upon his passing he would return from the grave and hide from everyone...


And believe it or not - to this day he hasn't been seen



Bump In The Night

[Calidore]

Bump In The Night: My dog, when I'm walking to the bathroom.

Boogeyman: A chronic nosepicker

Spirit

[Pendragon]

Spirit Get up and go, commonly referred to as "spunk" here in the Southern US and "grit" in the American West, thus the recent movie remake "True Grit"

Fable

[Calidore]

Fable: A tale with a moral, told to children so that they may tell it to their children, but not usually acted upon.

Postmodern: Futuristic

Tupperware

[optimisticnad]

Tupperware (noun): that annoying top layer of clothes you have to stop during sex to remove. As his mouth seized mine again, my hands reached in frustration for his tupperware

valley

[Pendragon]

valley The low point of life that lies between two highs


Flatline

[Calidore]

Flatline: What happens the more things change.

Exsanguinate: To anger a normally easygoing person

Fireplace

[Pendragon]

Fireplace
Brick or stone container where the fires of love seem to burn brighter, and is lit even though your furnace gives off more heat

Dread To presuppose that the worst in life will certainly happen, even through it probably will not

frigid

[MatthewFarlow]

Frigid (n.) - The shortened term for the computer chip in most modern refrigerators that does what it wants: the Fridge Id.

Scoop.

[Pendragon]

Scoop To be the first reporter to write about a recent scandal that is at best a rumor and at worse sheer libel

Illegal