Litnet's version of Devil's dictionary

[MarkBastable]

Carpe Diem: Italian fish restaurant terminology - Catch of the Day


Misanthropy

[Astromaxis]

Misanthropy: when you miss being an infant and are stuck growing up in the world

supernova:

[dafydd manton]

A cheap British car dressed up to look like a cheap American car.

Wanton.

[MarkBastable]

Wanton - lewd soup


helter skelter

[sixsmith]

Helter Skelter (1601-1633): German poet whose baroque epic, der Himmel ist rot, meine Füße sind juckende, had a profound influence on the work of both Ezra Pound and Rolf Harris.

Constitution:

[quasimodo1]

Constitution: A document describing the rights for the wealthy and ammendments for the indigent. The most important ammendment is the second which can be used to circumvent all the rights of others. --- buzzword

[Pendragon]

Buzzword The language of bees

Natural

[Astromaxis]

natural: that which is used as a debating tool to make logic seem superior to anything else in the world

carousal:

[prendrelemick]

Carousal . When at Christmas time America is engulfed in seasonal songs.


Cryptic.

[Astromaxis]

Cryptic: the dark elements of popular culture romanticized.

Abomination:

[Pendragon]

Abomination What some would consider a fair division of nucular powered missles...

Heaven:

[quasimodo1]

HEAVEN, n. A place where the wicked cease from troubling you with talk of their personal affairs, and the good listen with attention while you expound your own.
Ambrose Bierce himself. --- hell

[dafydd manton]

Hell - a remarkably accurate descripton of having to put up with other peoples' children in restaurants.

Wombat

[quasimodo1]

An attractive middle aged woman who hasn't yet earned the title oldbat. ----- mature

[Astromaxis]

mature: a rather farce consciousness mechanism used to separate sheep from heterodox thinkers - if you are mature know that you have integrated to the mainstream of the sheep whilst if you are not you are obviously just different.

orthodox:

[dafydd manton]

A word meaning "normal", when it appears to others that your mode of dress and behaviour may well be entirely abnormal

Schooner

[Astromaxis]

Schooner: a word that makes the trinity of water, ship and beer into its mix of fun facts of life - remembering to take water in the belly as there's already water all around!

vertebrae:

[quasimodo1]

VERTABRAE, noun, one of the assets of mammals which makes them more or less content. Those poeple who refer to themselves as born again must prefex this term with "in" so as to be recognized. ---- compass

[Astromaxis]

compass: a tool that attempts to play truth or dare with you by showing you multiple directions. It can manifest itself in many forms and its popular body is that of a rat telling you to get a "decent" job.

Iris:

[MarkBastable]

Iris: one of four or five holes through which the stuff of the world comes in. The precise corporeal complement of the anus.


Picnic

[prendrelemick]

Picnic ;
A moveable outdoor feast, often taken with protien supplements such as ants, midges, thripps and aphids, untill broken up by malevolent herds of cattle.


Rural

[Astromaxis]

(I loved the post on Iris - great creativity!)

Rural: a time when men sat and talk to themselves at times - a mitosis for great neuroses.

Inventive:

[Pendragon]

Inventive Having a spark of genius that borders on insanity, and a mania for creativity that is eccentric at best and theatrical at worse

Job

[MarkBastable]

Job : Biblical character upon whom was heaped innumerable and unceasing misfortunes about which he saw no reason to keep quiet. More recently his name has come to be used to denote the most common source of such misery.


Pasta

[Astromaxis]

Pasta: Long Threads Of Comfort nutrition initiated at "Your Date Sucks" and "You'll Get Dumped Big Time." moments

alcoholic:

[MarkBastable]

alcoholic: someone who every third time you see them is drinking lime and soda 'for no reason really - just felt like it'.


downtime

[dafydd manton]

That time in between bouts of drunkennes when the average alcoholic drinks lime and soda, and consequently feels down.

Syphon

[Astromaxis]

Syphon (didn't know this one originally either): a device that makes life entertaining as it is easy to move fluids but not exes or unwanted traits.

Zodiac Sign:

[dafydd manton]

One of twelve pretty pictures that one twelfth of the world's gullible think is going to affect their life, or, in other words, half a billion people are going to have the same day.

Charlatanry

[Pendragon]

Charlatanry The ability to use words to twist reality, a common theme being spiritualists and herb peddlers

Ghost

[MarkBastable]

Ghost - a movie that did more for handthrown pots than any number of Olde Vyllage Crafte Fayres.


Mail order

[Astromaxis]

Charlatanry: What most people like Stephenie Meyer have - a disease of the mind that makes you famous and own billions whereas real people are ignored. Common in places where species known as "homo sapiens' exist. (Thanks Dafyd didn't no this one before)

IQ:

[dafydd manton]

Mail order - synonym for optimism.

Penguin

[Pendragon]

Hummmm-- two words.

Penguin: Bird that always goes formal

IQ: A number said to denote intelligence which one always finds to be higher in one's self than in others

Prude

[MarkBastable]

IQ: A score that it's impossible to talk about. If yours is below average, you want to keep it quiet. If it's average there's no point mentioning it. And if it's above average, you just look like a jerk if you say so.


Prude: someone who draws the line a bit further back than you, but who can still see you from there.

[Astromaxis]

Penguin: the things tuxedo are made out of

IQ:

[dafydd manton]

Err....I dunno....what is it? Can you eat it?

Margarine

[Astromaxis]

Margarine: The substitute that makes you feel fat and depressed knowing you can't eat well

quagmire:

[dafydd manton]

A bog for people who hate short words.

Quintessential

[Astromaxis]

Quintessential: what people use to start disputes on what they engineered as their absolute.

Sun:

[dafydd manton]

A British Newspaper that gets it's name from the fact that it glows and appears every day - much like acne.

Beheading (with apologies to Mark Bastable).

[Astromaxis]

Beheading: an art form very popular during revolutions and might persist today as an inane slogan of revolutionary

bilingual:

[dafydd manton]

Ein Mensch der zwei langues parlez kann.

Furrow

[Astromaxis]

Furrow: the opposite of burrow

Liquor:

[dafydd manton]

That with which it is inadvisable to confuse with liquorice, since either may well cause looseness of the bowels, but only one makes you smile as it happens.

Psitticine

[MarkBastable]

Psitticine: of or pertaining to parrots.


Sports interviewer: Well, John, you're out of the World Cup, you've been revealed as an arrogant, scheming, backstabbing, cheating lowlife scumbag and even your own team mates are disgusted by the spectacle you present. How do you feel?

John Terry: I find I am suffering a frankly psitticine discomfiture.




praxis

[dafydd manton]

Praxis - theoretically, a clinic for dyslexics.

Dormouse

[RaoulDuke]

Dormouse - a bungalow with a loft conversion in South Yorkshire dialect.

Pasquinade -

[dafydd manton]

Pasquinade - an ancient drink made by the Romans from the fruit of the pasquin, now extinct, but similar to the loganberry.

Articulated

[MarkBastable]

Pasquinade - a tart concoction of bitter lemon, sage and rue, drizzled over a pulled leg of game and dressed with nettles.


...damn, too slow....


Articulated: characteristic of an argument that rolls over you as if you weren't there. See 'lorry'.


Leverage

[dafydd manton]

A method of applying pressure to such things as planks, by hitting those people who disagree with you over the head with it. See also "two short planks"

Gratification

[Lokasenna]

Gratification: The moment at which the ephemeral beauty of the dream crumbles into the arduous mundanity of reality. A will-o'-the-wisp that truly leads people to their destruction.

Mother:

[dafydd manton]

Mother - that person in your life who still asks you when you are 50 if you know what you're doing, when you'e been doing it for years, and they haven't done so for almost exactly the same period of time.

parachute

[MarkBastable]

parachute - gambling for people who are too cheap or stupid to play poker


aardvark

[dafydd manton]

An Afrikaans proverbs - Aardvark nivver hurt inywun.

Ponderous

[MarkBastable]

A month to the very day into this and you've come up with a pun that made me laugh. In fact, I'm tempted to mail it to people (uncredited, obviously)>

[Pendragon]

Ponderous of or pertaining to things that live in ponds, such as frogs, newts, and snapping turtles


Manna

[dafydd manton]

A month to the very day into this and you've come up with a pun that made me laugh. In fact, I'm tempted to mail it to people (uncredited, obviously)>

Thank you - you've done wonders for my confidence! Please feel free, but I warn you, it's an ancient joke.

[MarkBastable]

Manna - Biblical food that's just lying around on the floor when you wake up. Like bits of kebab. You'd have to be very very hungry to eat it.

The word 'manna' is derived from the Ancient Hebrew for 'wtf'. True.


polymer

[Astromaxis]

polymer: those units of life that programme you to be a *beep* and make you into this "beep* world

(Wow, by Allah I just studied this in bio class the other day Mark ^_^ It's fate)

wish:

[dafydd manton]

The feeling that you get when you know that something is unattainable, and you get sufficiently unbalanced that you put faith in falling stars, or throw money in to wishing wells that are run by the Local Council.

pomposity

[Pendragon]

pomposity The feeling of false intellect that drives a good man to being bad and a bad man over the edge

Madness

[dafydd manton]

A level of sanity which, if accurate, writes more than half of the world's painters, writers and musicians - which is madness.

Lucidity

[Astromaxis]

lucidity: A drug advertised in Vanilla Sky movie to give you hope that you can eat cloud ice-cream.

Rose:

[dafydd manton]

That which by any other name still smells of the stuff they grew it in. See politics.

toupee

[Astromaxis]

toupee: a garden variety mix of fur and faux pa at a party

leather:

[Paulclem]

Leather - to beat up, as in "He gave him a good leathering"

and to beat oneself up with drink as in "He was well leathered"

Gristle

[Pendragon]

Gristle Tough parts in meat which one may unerringly find in stuff cooked by someone else, and manifestly absent in one's own cooking

Chef

[prendrelemick]

Chef : A Chief without ego.

Beguiling

[dafydd manton]

A method of attaching ropes to cheap tents.

Flaccid

[MarkBastable]

Flaccid: perjoratively limp. Although spinach can be acceptably 'wilted' and it's perfectly neutral for a jaw or a rope to be 'slack' and everyone approves of a 'relaxed' joint of beef and most of us would feel sympathy for a 'debilitated' companion, there's absolutely no way of using 'flaccid' that doesn't carry overtones of contempt or ridicule. It's an attitudinally unambiguous adjective.



geranium

[dafydd manton]

An old German

plastic

[MarkBastable]

plastic: a manmade material that will outlast Man. I'm not talking here about just this civilisation, or even this epoch - but humanity itself. Plastic artefacts will survive until the marmosets have evolved and built cities and invented archaeology, at which point they will discover the Barbie doll my daughter lost in our compost heap last week, and they'll base their entire view of our species on the fact that we all must have walked very strangely with feet that small and tits that big.


the Arctic

[Pendragon]

the Arctic The great white north which always gets blamed for winter weather, when it's there in the summer also and not much warmer

Tropics

[dafydd manton]

Those places where the temperature is so high everybody complains, then heat their houses to the same level in the winter, when it is "Lovely and Warm".

Stratosphere

[Pendragon]

Stratosphere Brand name for a line of crystal balls used by fortune tellers to make their fortune

Prophet

[MarkBastable]

Prophet - bloke who foretells a future that he won't be around to be asked about.



jazz

[dafydd manton]

A form of music that is spoken about by the pretentious, listened to by the enthusiast and played by the creative genius.

prestidigitation

[aliengirl]

Prestidigitation: Tricky dexterity

Insurance

[Pendragon]

Insurance The fine art of stacking the deck in your favor


Alibi

[dafydd manton]

Pretending that you are whiter than white by saying that you weren't there.

dwarf

[MarkBastable]

dwarf: a person with a condition that restricts their height, and heightens their restrictions.

People with dwarfism act as a kind of litmus for attitudes towards differentness. They confuse most people, who can't work out whether or not a small person is disabled, whether it's a good thing or a bad thing for them to make a living in professions that embrace their condition (acting, clowning, being thrown at skittles strapped to a skateboard) and how to refer to the condition when meeting a dwarf at a party. There are few sights more entertaining to behold than a standard-size person agonising over whether to come to the aid of a short person who can't reach a copy of Playboy on the top shelf at the corner shop.


cowardice

[dafydd manton]

A word projected at people who have the bottle, nerve and courage to do something that everybody else thinks is desirable, such as trying to wipe out the human race.

geriatric

[Pendragon]

geriatric Of or pertaining to people who have been unlucky enough to live for a very long time in a fast changing world, where all they can do is reminisce on "the good old days"

Vegetarian

[MarkBastable]

Vegetarian: one who wishes to prevent cows


snapdragon

[dafydd manton]

Snap-dragon: Welsh slang. A mother-in-law.

precipitation

[prendrelemick]

precipitation: Rain. Sleet. Snow. Fog. Fret. Mist. Drizzle. Mizzle. Spit. Hail. Dew. Features of a British summer.


Money.

[Genocide]

Money- Originally written as MoNey. The full term is More Neytiri. This is something Avatar fans all over the world say to show their love and affection for the female protagonist of the film.

"Did you like Avatar?"
"Yeah, but I wish they had MoNey."

Caddie.

[dafydd manton]

A man who talks a great deal about golf, is full of advice, knowledge, skill, experience and wisdom, yet makes a living carrying the bags of those who are too lazy. He is in danger of being replaced by a buggy, which does not consume vast quantities of whisky, expects you to make your own decisions, and thus will not be expected to take the blame when it all goes pear-shaped. Also, a rusting tin container for keeping tea-bags in.

Elephantine

[Pendragon]

Elephantine Birth defect that causes the nose to grow long and the ears to grow huge, not to mention the tendency to become overweight in your middle years

Politically Correct

[Genocide]

Politically Correct: When one is politically correct they have said a true statement about politics.

"Obama is now president."
"Yes, that is politically correct."

and

"Proposition eight passed."
"Unfortunately, you are politically correct."

[Pendragon]

Pray allow me to put my own definition on the last term, as well as continue the game:

Politically Correct To speak in a manner that should offend no one, but will confuse everyone as to what you actually mean

Language

[MarkBastable]

language: a complete impediment to understanding


http://tinyturk.com/photo/wp-content/uploads/verbing-bg.png



siren

[Genocide]

Siren- A very attractive woman who leads a guy on, uses him, then leaves him high and dry.

"Whoa, check her out."
"Don't even, brov. Did you hear what she said to Brian? She sounds like a total Siren."

Guitar.

[dafydd manton]

An instrument, which, in the wrong hands, is largely one of torture.

Concrete

[Pendragon]

Concrete A type of shoe worn mainly by those who have fell afoul of organized crime families

Blasphemy

[dafydd manton]

Blasphemy: Disagreeing with somebody who can no longer resort to call you a fool, illiterate, uneducated or a heathen.

Reverend

[Pendragon]

Reverend Title given to men who claim to be selected of God, God sometimes denying any connection whatsoever for blushing shame at their antics

Holy

[dafydd manton]

The state of the average clergyman's socks, stipends being as low as they are, only a few thousand a year more than most people in the parish.

Bishop

[MarkBastable]

Bishop: a high order in the Church of England. Since the controversial ordination of women to this elevated office, there has been amongst the general congregation a marked increase in the practice of bashing the bishop.


pestilence

[dafydd manton]

Pestilence - those times of the year when churchgoers resolve not to be a nuisance.

shark

[MarkBastable]

Shark: Predatory fish that is the proof of the existence of God. What possible evolutionary advantage can there be in having a fin that means people can see you coming a mile off? Obviously the Almighty put it there to give his favourite primates a fighting chance.


mushroom

[dafydd manton]

Bijou residence for small creature with Big Ears, red hat and scruffy beard, whom even the council could not house.

Yorkshire.

[MarkBastable]

Yorkshire: see mushroom


fountain pen

[dafydd manton]

A device used by accountants, lawyers et al to make you think that they are above you, and anyway, it won't go through to the carbon paper underneath, thus facilitating fiddles.

novelist

[Pendragon]

novelist One who assails the ears through the printed page with a story not quite long enough to fill a book, but too long to classify it as a short story

Prison

[Lokasenna]

Prison: A concept similar to a wine cellar, wherein vice and villainy are honed and matured by the passage of time into a truly remarkable vintage.

Thunder

[dafydd manton]

The name added to words like Cat. Bolt, Chief and many others to make mediocre machinery sound better than it is.

plaque

[prendrelemick]

Plaque : The raison d'etre of dental hygenists, vibrating toothbrushes and minty mouthwash. The person who discovered it can expect to have a circular blue sign nailed to the place of his birth in his honour.

Receipt.

[MarkBastable]

Receipt; proof of payment. You can never find the ones you need, but the one you have bears no relation to any memory of the transaction recorded, as you try to explain to your wife, who understandably reckons that if there's a receipt for a meal for two at Jamie Oliver's '15' in your jeans pocket, then you must have been there at some point and if it wasn't with her then who the f*ck was it with?

Pluck

[dafydd manton]

A Japanese mispronunciation.

fly

[Pendragon]

fly an annoying insect that is addicted to fruit salad, and loves to barf on your arm for no good reason

Laws

[MarkBastable]

Laws: The imperfect basis of the legal system. Like flaws - but there's no f in laws worth worrying about.


Barcelona

[dafydd manton]

A place that people who nothing seem to come from, particularly in Devon hotels. (Remember Farty Owls?)


Conspiracy theories

[MarkBastable]

A place that people who nothing seem to come from, particularly in Devon hotels. (Remember Farty Owls?)


Conspiracy theories

Is the word 'know' missing from that sentence?

Incidentally, if he came from Barcelona, he wouldn't have pronoounced it Barthelona, would he? Cos I don't think they do that in Catalan - only in Castilian. I stand to be corrected on this.

[dafydd manton]

I come from Barthelona, I know Noooothing. And you are right, brain had idea, fingers rejected it. It's an age thing.

[Pendragon]

Conspiracy theories Ideas that the government is involved in vast cover ups of alien presences and assassination of their own leaders which may or may not have a basis in truth

Alien Abduction

[dafydd manton]

A system whereby little green men with antennae come to earth and seek out those in whom there is a brain malfunction, in order to carry out horrific experiments, such as trying to get them to get a life.

air conditioning

[Pendragon]

air conditioning Home cooling device usually set at temperatures considered uncomfortably cold in the winter when we hike up the thermostat to temperatures considered too hot in the summer

Yard Sale

[dafydd manton]

The piece of material attached to the spinnaker in the bows of a schooner, it being exactly 36 inches in length. Whatever that is in centimetres.

metre

[MarkBastable]

metre: A practically universal measure that does away with feet. Except when its poetry, when it consists of feet.


giraffe

[dafydd manton]

A revolving jet of water, used for washing such things as the camelopard.

diplomat

[RaoulDuke]

Diplomat - a recycling establishment set up to provide the service of washing retiring foreign dignitaries; cleaning the dirt of fulsomeness and removing the stains of smarm, thus returning them as respectable, presentable members of society.

Oenophile -

[MarkBastable]

Oenophile - whassat mean? Damn good ques-hic-question. Then again, who frickin' cares? Bastard. Is that my coat?

placebo

[Pendragon]

placebo The medical miracle that works better than the actual medication, making one wonder if they produce medication simply for making money...

Respect

[Scheherazade]

RespectThat which Aretha Franklin sings about. (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=z0XAI-PFQcA)

Next: Arrogance.

[MarkBastable]

Arrogance: self-confidence apparent in someone you don't like.



ice cream

[dafydd manton]

A strange, white substance, extruded from the aluminium rectum of a vast hopper aboard a 1974 Ford Transit, and which, the instant you part with coin, turns to a slimy liquid and goes up your shirt sleeve. See also Botulism.

Pier

[Pendragon]

Pier Long wooden structure that stretches out into the water at lakes and the ocean, thus enabling people to fall off into deep water while fishing or gawking at girls in bikinis...


Bikini

[dafydd manton]

The only bits of clothing left on somebody after a nuclear explosion.


Hamburger

[MarkBastable]

Hamburger: the only townspeople that folk from Frankfurt can safely laugh at.



petulance

[dafydd manton]

A firm of veterinary surgeons.

marriage

[Pendragon]

marriage A form of legalized slavery

Booze

[dafydd manton]

The only relief from any forms of legalized slavery.

Grandmother

[Pendragon]

Grandmother Female whom upon becoming one looses all sense of whether children are good or bad, merely stating that "They are going through a phase", the terror of parents everywhere

Novelty

[dafydd manton]

A word supplied to any concept you don't understand, or a little plastic thingy inside a cracker. Sometimes both.

arboretum

[prendrelemick]

arboretum: A place where Trees of Distinction can stand aloof from the common wood.

Machine.

[dafydd manton]

Machine/McHine. Inventor. Edward Aloysius Marmaduke McHine, invented the waterproof canal, the self-propelled duck and the self-reciprocating artificial leg. Died in Obscurity, a little town just outside Glasgow. There is a memorial drain-cover to him in the Gorbals.

Journalist

[MarkBastable]

Journalist - a profession created by Providence in order that politicians might have someone to look down on.


nectarine

[Paulclem]

Journalist - a profession created by Providence in order that politicians might have someone to look down on.


nectarine

A little bit of the Gods' food on earth.


crimp

[dafydd manton]

Crimp - a small, muscular contraction common in hairdressers

conductor

[prendrelemick]

Conductor: A member of a secret society committed to oppose the spread of aquatic foul in parks and other public places. They were implicated in a spate of mysterious duck drownings during the summer of '84. It later emerged that bread weighted with lead shot had been fed to the victims. During the investigation several children and their nannies were arrested by police officers disguised as shrubbery in Hyde Park. No charges were ever brought, and the whole affair was blamed on fishing weights - leading some prominent anglers to believe that Conductors occupy very high places.

Undulate.

[dafydd manton]

Undulate - that which is put beneath carpet on uneven floors.

aviator

[Pendragon]

aviator One who seeks only the plane truth...

Excuse

[MarkBastable]

Excuse - a post eventum explanation that even the explainer doesn't find convincing.


bacon

[dafydd manton]

Proof that certain English writers such as Francis, Ist Viscount of St Albans, were Jewish.

cocktail

[aliengirl]

The male of a species of fowls with a long tail, bred in poultry farm.

Jam

[dafydd manton]

The thing that has to be, because jelly doesn't shake like it.

Sermon

[prendrelemick]

Sermon: An instructive speech one can only get away with in Church, where questioning it would be unthinkable.

Dividend

[dafydd manton]

The Human derriere.

solicitor

[Pendragon]

solicitor One who can make you wish the telephone had never been invented :ack2:

Courtroom

[dafydd manton]

A Comedy Playhouse, where the wigs are all white.

meditation

[prendrelemick]

Meditation: I'll have to think about that one.


scheme.

[dafydd manton]

A method of hurtling down a snowy hill, precariously balanced on two planks of wood, known as Schee. Hence, to scheed, meaning to slide.

omnibus

[MarkBastable]

omnibus: one of those words - like pundit and halcyon - that middle-aged men with a grammar school education hope will crop up in conversation so that they can casually demonstrate that they're aware of the etymology and this is exactly the kind of thing that kids today will miss out on now they've stopped teaching Classics in state schools, which is a great pity not only for the kids but for the general future well-being of our society I blame Thatcher and Tebbit and their narrow-minded anti-intellectual utilitarian attitude to education and Blair was just as bad frankly.


petunia

[dafydd manton]

Petunia. A British pop-singer, born 1932, surnamed Clark, who has produced a massive collection of records, and an omnibus. This is from the Latin word.........zzzzzz

councillor

[Pendragon]

councillor A person who gets paid to pretend that they care and act like they know more about your life than you do

Madness

[prendrelemick]

Madness; The quality of not knowing a hawk from a handsaw.

Malicious.

[dafydd manton]

The opposite of Delicious.


glide

[Pendragon]

glide Term of movement usually reserved for Ice Skaters, Dancers, and Ghosts. Gives the impression that the feet aren't quite on the floor...

Showstopper

[dafydd manton]

A form of stove-pipe hat worn by male dancers in Busby Berkeley numbers.

pacemaker

[Pendragon]

pacemaker Lead dog in dog sled racing, who sets the pace for the other dogs

ugly

[dafydd manton]

A word applied to any person whose character/work you can't fault, largely because you don't know enough about it, but you're in a bad mood and just feel like being a miserable ratbag.

sunflower

[Pendragon]

sunflower Another word for "Solar Flares"

Poor

[dafydd manton]

Hollywood Slang. Down to your last butler.

Butler

[Paulclem]

Fiddler - one who plays fiddles
Butler - one who plays butts

starch

[dafydd manton]

One of those things you really don't want in your boxer shorts.

halitosis

[RaoulDuke]

halitosis - a scented perfume, widely popular in France.

seductive -

[dafydd manton]

To make oneself attractive to aquatic ornithopters, to whit, the duck.

cryogenics

[Pendragon]

cryogenics The insane idea that one can cheat death by freezing ones balls off

Telephone

[prendrelemick]

Telephone; A device for sorting out misunderstandings resulting from internet communications.


quality.

[dafydd manton]

A word used to describe anything mediocre, and to be taken as on a par with "good food" advertised outside grotty pubs, and "Executive travel" on tatty coaches. Executives tend to know the meaning of the word "quality" and avoid it like the plague, one of the reasons why you never see executives in grotty pubs or on coach tours, regardless of the quality.

curmudgeon

[MarkBastable]

curmudgeon


A disaffected adolescent, grown up.




Archaeology.

[dafydd manton]

Archaeology. The art of looking at a sherd of pottery, determining what the entire piece looked like, what it was used for, where it was made, who owned it and exactly what sort of house he lived in, thus what sort of town, his status in that town and thus what sort of a civilisation.

pirate

[Paulclem]

pi-rate - a system of rating the popularity of CDs and DVDs by judging how many copies were made of it.

cordial

[dafydd manton]

A very old-fashioned method of using a telephone.

military

[Hawkman]

A place for storing dead soldiers

Partridge

[Pendragon]

Partridge Strange avian that exists only to hide in pear trees on December 25th. I am reliably informed that they make great gifts


Gun Control

[Hawkman]

Trigger finger.

Capitalist

[MarkBastable]

Gun Control - not unlike bladder control, actually. Everyone who has a bladder thinks that they have perfect personal control over it, until they day that they find themselves arrested for deliberately or accidentally letting it off all over the mall, at which point they start saying that it wasn't their fault, it was just that something snapped and they weren't responsible for their actions and the next thing you know the disciples of Charlton Heston are out there protesting that it's not a bladder issue it's a people issue and everyone else should have the inalienable right to carry a full bladder with them at all times in case the Muslims invade.


Oh, alright - I'll do trigger finger too.

Trigger Finger - the crime Roy Rogers was arrested for but the conviction was hushed up by the studio.

Wait - that was a definition, not the next thing.

Capitalist...er....look carry on without me.

Pathos

[dafydd manton]

The fifth Musketeer, a tiny, almost hopeless figure who hadn't got the strength to draw his sword.

Territorial

[Pendragon]

Territorial Part of the house grounds overlooked by the family Terrier, whose main job is to bark and wake up the family Doberman

Liar

[RaoulDuke]

Liar - The home of a dishonest dyslexic.

Miscreant -

[Pendragon]

Miscreant A person whom according to popular theory has severe mental problems from a youth spent in torment by his parents

Doctor

[adityasam]

A person who heals his patient upto a certain extent and extracts even more when the patient returns. (Hope I won't become like this)

SOLDIER

[dafydd manton]

A man who is hated by civilians when nobody is making threats, real or imagined, but loved by the populace when there is a threat. That is, until somebody has to foot the bill. See "Tommy Atkins"

fodder

[MarkBastable]

fodder: more fod




twins

[dafydd manton]

Twins. A reason to buy more aspirin/paracetemol/co-codamol/ibuprofen. A fiendish plot by the drugs industry.

robot

[Pendragon]

robot Mechanical replacement for honest, hard-working people in the auto industry

Unemployment

[MarkBastable]

robot Mechanical replacement for honest, hard-working people in the auto industry



To be fair to robots, they're completely unjudgemental. They'll happily replace dishonest, lazy people too.

[dafydd manton]

Unemployment. That which is brought about by the advent of the robot

Tattoo

[Pendragon]

Tattoo Fashion statements that though considered cool while we're young become a downright embarrassment when we grow old and wrinkled

Hospital

[Pendragon]

To be fair to robots, they're completely unjudgemental. They'll happily replace dishonest, lazy people too.

Touche!

[dafydd manton]

A place for alcoholics to go when the last toast of "Your Health!" back-fired!

time-piece

[MarkBastable]

time-piece : collective name for divisions of time - for instance, minute, second, year. These are known as 'standard time-pieces'. There is second category comprised of time-pieces that are as widely understood but less easily standardised. These are known as 'universal subjective time-pieces' - and they include:


the eternity of doomed hope between dropping the ketchup bottle and it hitting the quarry-tiled kitchen floor

the instantaneously disappeared hours between meeting your girlfriend at the station Friday night and her having to be back at her mother's for Sunday lunch

the double perspective span that is your life, which looks like forever ahead of you on the first morning your dad drops you off at the primary school gates; but which appears to be no more than a fortnight behind you when you pass the school in the Chief Mourners' car on the way to your father's funeral



cactus

[dafydd manton]

Cactus: Role model for English teachers. Just not quite so dry as many.


brochure

[aliengirl]

brochure :- Colorful and attractive manuals to misguide you

cars

[Pendragon]

cars Invention of the Devil in an effort to make all people lazy and fat, since they aren't getting any exercise walking

Trouble

[MarkBastable]

Trouble: As this is a dictionary, and as you're here, dear reader, it's safe to assume you're looking for trouble - and you've come to the right place. If, indeed, you're looking for trouble, the best idea would probably be to look right in my typeface. It's widely accepted that trouble was born standing up and talking back. It is also thought that trouble's father was a green-eyed mountain jack. That's as may be - but what we can say for certain is that trouble is evil, and that its middle name is misery. Actually, it's difficult to overstress that point. It's evil, and on the whole you might want to avoid messing around with me. Er, with it, that is. Sorry. Carry on.


Crossword puzzle

[dafydd manton]

Ena Clout. 3-1-4. (anag)

Worm-drive

[Pendragon]

Worm-drive The inescapable urge for worms to surface on rainy nights and have an orgy on the lawn

Vanity

[breathtest]

The housemates in Big Brother, all of whom are hoping to be 'celebrities' by the time they come out.

righteous

[dafydd manton]

I am, you're not. I am also humble, and proud of it!

Cryogenics

[Hawkman]

people who get weepy over Barbara Cartland novels

Barrister

[dafydd manton]

The biggest criminal in the court

biro

[Hawkman]

a pen designed not to write

Polyglot

[dafydd manton]

A parrot's throat.

stripper

[breathtest]

a pen designed not to write

I'll have you know Biro's are my pen of choice.

[dafydd manton]

There was an author called Val Biro. Only a pen name, one assumes.

Are we still on with "Stripper"?

[munkinhead]

pole ish dancer


radiator?

[breathtest]

Oh my god it's bleeding! How do we make it stop?!

pithy

[Pendragon]

pithy When a dyslectic feels empathy for someone

Encore

[MarkBastable]

Encore: to place, or to cause to be, at the actual or metaphorical centre


New Orleans

[munkinhead]

New Orleans: Had been familiar with Orleans or leaning toward having known something new



constable

[dafydd manton]

Constable: An English painter who had a fondness for blue serge suits and hitting people over the head with a truncheon. Called, oddly, a life-preserver.

Traffic-jam

[Hawkman]

A paste made from crushed cars.

Pasta

[munkinhead]

what Sara Palin's third grade teacher should not have done


deodorant

[Hawkman]

A substance that masks a smell with a worse one.

Canape

[Pendragon]

Canape Question asked by a three-year old child at the most inopportune moments, such as during the Super Bowl or at a fine restaurant, usually at the top of their little lungs

Certain

[dafydd manton]

When applied to horses, means that it is probably only fit for glue, or Belgian Lunchboxes.

Scent

[Hawkman]

See Deoderant

President

[dafydd manton]

The mark made in the wing of your car after your wife gives you a cookery book as a present.

indigenous

[Hawkman]

A person with no obvious means of financial support who claims to have lived where you live before you did, and consequently wants you to bugger off so he can have your home.

counterweight

[dafydd manton]

Noticing how much more of your wife there is on your tenth wedding anniversary than there was on the day you married.

gazeteer

[Hawkman]

Contrary to popular belief a Gazeteer is not one who gazets. A gazeteer is, in fact, a manufacturer of binoculars and devices which assist the spectator when they wish to gaze

Frock

[munkinhead]

an unpleasantry often heard at your doctor's office: as in "frock off"


penultimate

[dafydd manton]

A superb writing implement which will make sure that everything you write is well articulated, grammatically correct and spelt proper.

bus-stop

[Hawkman]

A recreational area for disaffected youth which provides them with an outlet for their destructive urges. Ideally should be counstructed from vulcanised rubber and guarded by the demon Asteroth.

Telephone

[dafydd manton]

A device that, in the modern era, has 37 different ways of telling you that the party to whom you wish to speak is too flaming lazy to answer it. (I encountered an answering machine last week that told me the person I was calling could not answer, and I couldn't leave a message. So much less efficient than me using my brain to realise that if he hadn't answered after 39 rings, he probably wasn't going to! And it cost me for the call!!!!!)

modulation

[MarkBastable]

modulation: an extremely fervent expression of regard for The Small Faces



wallpaper

[dafydd manton]

Wrapping for ice-creams.

Alsatian.

[Sebas. Melmoth]

Alsatian: a large muscular intelligent bright-eyed dog with sharp ears (even sharper teeth), ideally suited to terrorize prisoners of all stripes.

occlusion

[Astromaxis]

occlusion: a fancy term for defining that you must hit the brakes!

reverie

[Hawkman]

A condition affecting petrol heads and boy racers.

Victory

[dafydd manton]

Victory: "A ****** waste of ***** time!" King Pyrhhus of Epirus. Otherwise, an opportunity for the Royal Navy to have a 200 year old ship, which is still technically commissioned, thus making some of the other old junk that they have to live with look modern. See also "Lancaster".

Cynicism

[Hawkman]

an unerring ability to see the truth through any lie

Yeti

[dafydd manton]

This word is abominably difficult to define, but loosely, it's a way of telling a gorilla on amphetamines that his feet are a trifle larger than they ought to be.

Thatched

[Pendragon]

Thatched Refers to a head with what is termed "a shock of hair" in popular literature

History

[dafydd manton]

The story that generally gets accepted about what may have happened, which was written by the victors. See also "pack of lies". Henry Ford wasn't that far wrong.

Tutorial

[Pendragon]

Tutorial A set of instructions on how not to do something as opposed to giving you the correct procedure. Why all DIY's usually screw up anything they try to do.

Mistake

[dafydd manton]

To be tired of being a vegetarian, pangs of carnivorous hunger.

wireless

[Hawkman]

Wireless, from the old english, werelass, a dog who turns into a beautiful woman by moonlight after about 10 pints.

Scrofulous

[dafydd manton]

(I've met her!)

See Wireless (above). Contagious.

Karma

[Hawkman]

Is when you have to marry the dog in the morning.

Vestibule

[dafydd manton]

A game, similar to petanque, played by Frenchmen in singlets.

fenestration

[Hawkman]

the act of digging fens.

Essonite

[dafydd manton]

A shift in a 24-hour Petrol Station.

scanner

[hack]

The act of noticing the aforementioned werelass.


restitution

[munkinhead]

a 5 minute break in a whore house



scorpion

[Pendragon]

scorpion A general type of boss who is always stinging you with sarcastic remarks such as "Is it possible for you to get any more worthless, you bleep of a bleep!"

Booze