A Funny Thing Happened on the way to the Forum

[Nightshade]

Well this wasn’t today it was Thursday and so far only my mum and I have been the only people to find this quite so hysterically funny but I think that must be because I haven’t been telling it right so here it goes this is me telling it right and form the beginning.
_------------------------------------------
So Thursday was gloomy and grey nothing new to Manchester but UI had just had enough you know? So I decided I need cheering up ( that and the fact that my normal cloths hadn’t dried ) I pulled out the summer clothes a hot pink tunic top over jeans with a purply pinkish thread a turquoise ‘body’ ( long sleeved t-shirt thing great for accesoriing with short sleeved things to make them hijab friendly without being bulky ) and a turquoise head scarf.

But I didnt feel like breakfast so I didn’t have any I just had a cup of tea ( first or possibly second mistak of the day especially when you chronic heartburn or acid reflux or whatever you want to call it) So I go to uni and indure a m,ind numbing lecture on ..you know I can’t even remember what it was about ...wait its coming back data log mining to evaluate userbilities and other fiunctionality features of a digital library. Mostly I was thinking about how to get hold of the books and info I needed for ,my next essay on Reader Development initiatives ( sadly not the intrtesting part of reader development istead I get to evaluate the role of paterships in recent initiatives oh what rapturous joy! Then the hearburn starts, and I don’t have enough money on me to buy a sandwhich to do some emergency fixing, and Im all out of pills.

So to cut a rTather long storey short ( or rather to skip to the intresting bit) I almost lose a tenner when the wind snatches my money out the ATM and Im forced to dash round the corner and into a busy street shout cursewords , not terribly bad ones, not even ones I would really consioder swear words but people do consider them that . Then I head to boots get my meal deal (flafel flat bread , vegetable crisps and raspberry and orange juince...yummm) and my extra strong gavescone. Then I get to the big central library head into the little general readers library have a quick shuffle find more paranormal romancy books I haven’t examined for the work project and another romance that might fit the criteria for the quest of discovering a ‘no sex’ mills and boons suitable for a 13 year old. I bump into my house mate (who is also my coursemate and sat beside me in the same lecture but she took the bus and I walked) tell her I will be in the library until 430 as will be working ion my essay in the social sicence library (* must see for visitor to Manchester FYI) after I have had my lunck downstairs in the caffetreia.

So I go down stairs.
From this point anything in italics is what is going through my head.

Unfortunaly I have overlooked the fact that its lunchtime and so its packed the only free seating area is the joint bar thing they recently installed around one of the pillars so I head over there dump my bag ( since all my valuables are in my coat pocket and go buy myself a pot of tea. Then I go back to my seat settle down smile at the lady sitting just round the corner ( its a square pillar) Hello lady guess what you could be fifth elment and I might not even know it pretty wierd huh? take 2 pills bite into my gorgeous sandwhich and get the silly happy look I get on my face when I have a decent cup of teaq and have been or am being fed. I am also trying to thumb through some of the romances to get a feel of them so I don’t have to take them home and weigh down my bag and going over the essay in my mind .

“excuse me, are these yours?” I drag myself away from the last bite of my sandwhich and look up there is this guy standing there “huh?” He points at some promotional leaflets for the library theatre that are beside my cup of tea that were eirher put there on purtpose or left by the person before me. “ oh no they aren’t mine help yourself” turn back to the important business of eating so I can have more of those lovely pills and to do anything to stop the heart burn ( the answer is not to mkiss breakfast after having a partically acidic dinner the night before and to always makesure I have suitable food and pills on me but hhey we all make mistakes) Sandwhich finished first cup of tea finished and packet of crispuis opened

“Excuse me “ blaaaaah its you again how hard is ity to get a bit of peace this is a LIBRARY!”
And because I wasnty really thinking about anything I accidently slipped into night ( uber friendly persona) in RL so my library customer smile came out (what can I say its the environment I switch into work mode as yyou will se in a second)

“ Are you here for the theatre or the library “ and he points at the board OH NOOO a surey how annoying go away and pesetr someone else...oh right I am also doing the same thing. So I actually swuing around in the chair fit the freidnly smile on tighter and say no Im here for the library. Guy:“ are you a student “
Me: “yes”
G: what are you studying?
Me : librarianship
G:oh *pause* is it like a fulltime course?
Me: yes.
He looks like he is going to kleave so I turn back to my beautiful up of tea...
G: Do you know Manchester Oh for petes sake already. GO AWAY I want my tea!!!
M:yes?
G: I am trying to find an art gallery , i saw it with my friend but I heard about it and its supposed to have these really great pictures. I Know the one by the Italian coffee shop but that snot the one
I knew that wasn’t a manccuinian accent, mentally bangs head against wall, I don’t even work here anbd there is a great big fat infopoint upstairs conviently placed right by the door *sigh* men useless creatures

M:Well I don’t know many and I don’t have my maps on me but there is an info point upstairs

G: keeps rambling on about art.

M swings around more: Ok look Im deaf in one ear so what was that? ( it was cold and my dodgy ear tends to not like the cold!)

G: more rambling about moving art

*sigh* I bet you are one of those wierd muslims who only talk to muslims right? And thats why you wont go ask the nice lady upstairs but instead have to ask the obviously muslim person stuipid headscarf... stupid bigoted people... just don’t call me Sister( its a tendancy people have that grates on my nerves I can get saying it to be overly polite in ceratin situations but when it gets thrown about by somoen I don’t know every other word I tend to snap and say something like Im not your bloody sister so don’t call me that)

M: ok There is the Mnachester art gallery by china town, the whitworth art gallery which has a display of subversive art ( stumble abit on that word the dyslexia decide to play one of its oral trickjs and I couldn’t get the word out straingt)

G: Ohh intgresting .

Me: yes, its in rushohok,me opposite the MRI if you get any of the buses down to fallowfield you cant missit . The corner house which you cant miss just go do the road from the formnt ofthe library its the second or third junction? The onestaridght after macdonalds , has an art gallery uipstairs, there are plenty more but I sdont know them. The info point upstairs has maps and the woman at the desk will be happy to help you....

G: what do you like to read ?
ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh I wonder where that accent is from and ( ok not proud of the sterotype but need to take a sec here to explain the guy had that effeminate pitch of voice setryotypically protayed in the media as a sign of homosexuality do gay people give off the opposite kind of pheromones to hereosexual people of their own sex? So that they can attract their own sex... hum intersuiting questing night go look at the GLBT display ( its gay pride month or something not sure but there is a massive display on books on the topic in central library this month) and that reminds me must look up again in more credible literature the idea of race being distinguishable by voice.

Me ( stupid customer smile still in place , I just cant be rude to someone asking me for help in a library Ive been working in them too long!) Me? Oh I like to read anything give me a book and I will be happy . *somewhat pointed look at the books siting beside my bottle of juice abandoned packet of crisps and fastly cooling cup of tea. But the guy didn’t take the hint*

G: I read a book too . my my aren’t ytou a clever one narroiw menta eyes but I mostly like to excersise my brain with ruibix cubes and chess and things like that.
Me ( and the only excuse I have for this is it was the fun pbit of the essay and its what I do to anyone I meet who snears ant books, Ive even cornered people on trains who have been having loud conversations about this book they read but name they couldn’t remember, if Ive know what it is and told them the name the author and if Ive known it recited the sequels and mention oh so casualy that they can get them for FREE in the library, what can i say perhaps I love my job just that wee bit too much!) : You do know that reading is the best excersise for your brain? There was this docutm,etary on it 2 weeks ago on Monday, very good documentary and I looked it up. When you read you use more of your brain than for any other excersise, especially if you read fiction. Reading you see uses various areas of your brain ( and being my fathers daughter I enthusiastically plough into the scienbce of the brain and the various changes to chemical that happens .
because hey you just got me started on my current pet topic you should have left me when you had the chance I round off with) and they are evenm using reading to cure mild depression and other mental disordirs its called bibliotherapay.... ( I was well into my element and once I get started oin a topic Im enthusitic about well the usal RL me fades aaway and night comes out )

When Ive stoiped to answer some of the guys questions ( I hanmdilky have about a kilos worth of research papers on the toipic in my bag.. I was supposed to be working on the esaay remember) I realise the guy has sat down sort of but not quitenext to/opposite me..

huh? Ohoh what am I dong doing all this taklking and whay are you talking to me ? OMG someone is going to snak up on me and staela my purses from doat pocket even though this places is packed, no BECAUSE this place is packed , I forgoit to put them in the bag and the coat is just hanging over the back of the chair. Well you just watch it mister * as leans over to oh so subtely pull cota pocket onto lap* I am not paying lots of attention to what you look like and the minute you leave I am heading staright for thiose nice guys in security or maybe Il just scream now...
( might take a moment to put here that the guy is about 24ish, of aisian ( and I mean that in the british sence not teh American one) descent and tolerably good looking , in that way most people are. Fairly normal looking.
Guy: Oh that is so intresting I didn’t know that but I work for the MOD IT INtell and they like you to excersise your brain with chess and things like that .

pull the other one sunshine, just to fill in an application form for the IT intel people you have to sign an agreement to say you wont disclose to anyone that you are applying for them and I know this because I almost did apply for a similar outfit last week but decided that I couldnt be bothered with a coplex 20 page apoplication form plus living in London on a piitance and having to wait on tenderhooks for 6 months before I could even start to work waiting for the DV to clearwhich giving my ethnicity and religion may verywell be denined HA! Whatever you want to say

But I couldn’t leave it alone

Me: Yes but reading fiction is the best way to excersise ytour mind.. oh never mind.
Opens bottle of juice and starts that having finished the tea. go away now sonny jim so I can take more of my tablets in peace

G: How many friend s do you have?
what kind of weirdo question is that? How many friends do you have? Weirdo!

Me: uhh I don’t know ...lots?

G: Of course you do ytou are such an itresting person.

Me: huh? Uhh thankyou..?
At this point lady round the corner ( the one I thought might be fifth , what she was friendly looking) snorts with laughter and it suddenly hits me...
OMG, O my flying pickled bananas you are not trying to rob me you are chatting me up... I am being chat up, how freaky.. wait thisis alibray, only I could get chat up in alibrary... wait who trys to chat up someone without asking their name? Nah.. just my imagination, got to be my imagination , why would anyone chat me up wierd!
He then introduced himself... and he did have a muslim name.
Then it came ....

Do you have a boyfriend?

OH MY FLYING PICKLED BANANAS! I AM BEING CHAT UP!!! ok night must control myself no laughing in the guys face .. but this is hysterical, bizarre .. oh you poor person of all the people to try anc chat up... inner night is falling off her chair and rolling round the floor LHAO ... and I am feeling the almost irresistible urge to go “hold up holdup hold up is this you chatting me up? Cool you can carry on this is temporarily amusing me” . and this is something I am very proud of I did resist both urges though it was difficult. must start taking notes sure this will make niamh laugh. And hey aimus isn’t around anymore enough to tell me off for finding these things so vastly amusing s o I can ost it in my blog.. hum of maybe a funny thing happened on the way to the forum...hummm oh and hey sister( she would kill me if I used her name on the tinterwebs) must be wrong apparently this scraff doesn’t make me look green I knew she just wanted it for herself!
But then it all got akward when after explaining that the reason that I didn’t have aboyfirend despite being a anobviouls intresting and nice person ( not my words) was I hadn’t the time or energy or inclination to deal with the associated drama of it all. ( I wouldn’t have said as much except the guy was like a bouncy 5 year old going Tell me tell me tell me tell me ! and I really wasn’t up to thinking up a more creative answer. Anyway the guy tried telling be I was really an arrogant person ( he seemed to think this was a compliment, ) this was a good thing because it mean I was someone who knew my own mind and what I wanted... and he went on again with the comlpliments buut now I was annoyed, and running out oif time. So Ijumped off my seat did an oh look at the time Id love to stay and chat but there is a 3,000 word essay just screaming my name. Goodbye and good luck.
And I dashed up 2 floors to the safety of the siocail sciences library. With excellent timing because though the books I needed weren’t available a member of staff lent me her copies of the books so alls well.
-------------------------------------
A couple of things to note Ive skipped swathes of converstatoion disccsuing the exact werabouts of the manchester art gallery , and the URBIS and other such boring stuff.Also Im sure he did alot more rambling when I got distracted by the pretty ring he had, and let my mind wonder for wa hwile while appearing to listen ( lovley trick i picked up working in libraries- I can even conrtribute to most coonverstaions intelligently while not paying any attention at all!) . Also I wasnt planming on appluying for the MOD but like I said completly differenmt lawinforcement organisation, as librarian/information officer, but like I said tooo much paper work

But lessons to be learnt:
1) I am really growing up I did not freak out, run away screaming, start hearing the words white slavery white slavery white slavery in my mind or tell the guy he was doomed to rot in eternal hell . ( I was 14 and surprised and the guys in my school used to play this nasty game where they would tell the girls they liked them then laugh at them and point fingers and in Egypt dating is still very much rocky territory for a girls reputation and a girls reputation is what get her married when push comes to shove. And it was the middle of an English exam revision class. Turns out he wasn’t in the joke and I kind of feel bad about that one.)
2) I cottoned on before a) the guy has turnbed around and gone hold up you don’t understand me do you. And it still not till half an hour later I realised what actually happened. And b) the guy didn’t practically propose marriage ( seruiously I just want a good muslim wife!) for me to realise what was going on.
3) I am actually flattered which is different to say the least.
4) Arrogant is never ever a compliment all males be warned.

And speakling of 3000 word essays this iswell over 3,100 words long.. and has taken me early and hour and a half to type and is 6 pages of a word document. and no i havent spell checked I cant be bothered!

[Niamh]

PMSL

[zanna]

Oh boy, Night! That is a great story! You are a cool and interesting person, and I bet if I was a guy, I would be tempted to chat you up, too. =)

Kudos for being nice to him, lol, and not just running away! =)

[kilted exile]

A story from Friday.

A customer(old guy) returned a dvd player, wouldnt eject his dvds. So as usual if something is needing some minor fixing I got called. I take the back off the player to eject the dvd manually & it is porn - neither me nor the cashier could keep a straight face - the reason it wouldnt eject is because he had put volumes 1,2 & 3 into the player at the same time, not sure if he was trying to watch it in 3D or what

[papayahed]

A story from Friday.

A customer(old guy) returned a dvd player, wouldnt eject his dvds. So as usual if something is needing some minor fixing I got called. I take the back off the player to eject the dvd manually & it is porn - neither me nor the cashier could keep a straight face - the reason it wouldnt eject is because he had put volumes 1,2 & 3 into the player at the same time, not sure if he was trying to watch it in 3D or what

Did you give the DVD's back to the man?

[Nightshade]

On saterday we had someone put a library card in the floppydisc drive because he thought that was how you logged into the computer, I think its still there because we have to get someone from admin to turn up with paddlock key so we can take the case off the pc and get the card out...

[kilted exile]

yes, he got the dvd's back - they were erm sticky

[Scheherazade]

A story from Friday.

A customer(old guy) returned a dvd player, wouldnt eject his dvds. So as usual if something is needing some minor fixing I got called. I take the back off the player to eject the dvd manually & it is porn - neither me nor the cashier could keep a straight face - the reason it wouldnt eject is because he had put volumes 1,2 & 3 into the player at the same time, not sure if he was trying to watch it in 3D or what

Awww... Maybe he thought it would work like old record players on which you could put a few records and they would play them in order.

Yes, I said "record player"... For those of you who do not know what that is, here is a picture!

[Niamh]

A story from Friday.

A customer(old guy) returned a dvd player, wouldnt eject his dvds. So as usual if something is needing some minor fixing I got called. I take the back off the player to eject the dvd manually & it is porn - neither me nor the cashier could keep a straight face - the reason it wouldnt eject is because he had put volumes 1,2 & 3 into the player at the same time, not sure if he was trying to watch it in 3D or what

I still think this is Hilarious!

On saterday we had someone put a library card in the floppydisc drive because he thought that was how you logged into the computer, I think its still there because we have to get someone from admin to turn up with paddlock key so we can take the case off the pc and get the card out...

[Virgil]

Ok, Niamh suggested I put this in here. Poor fellow kind of distracted me on the way here one day, all because of Cluck-U chicken. Read about it in my blog: http://www.online-literature.com/forums/blog.php?b=8365.

[kilted exile]

So as a lot of you know I am the recieving/warehouse manager of a retail store. One of my jobs is setting up display skids (pallets), so I was pulling an empty one on my manual forklift to the warehouse to set it up. (anyone familiar with moving skids will know when they are empty and raised on the forklift they move if you stand on them a little) All of a sudden an old guy (round 80) jumps on top of the skid whilst I am moving it & starts tap dancing! I am using all my strength to stop the skid from shaking about (cant lower the forks cos then he'd definitely fall off) thinking "I hope he doesnt fall, he'll fricking die & I'll get canned" seriously I expect this from little kids & teenagers but 80 year olds?

[Virgil]

Hahaha, that's funny Kilt. What a picture I have in my mind.

[Stargazer86]

Kilted- it sounds like you have some fiesty old people where you work :P

[papayahed]

I was at the Doctor's office this morning minding my own business when I accidently looked up and the older lady across fromme asked how my book was, I responded that it was pretty good. Then she asked if it was about a Hispanic Lady to which I had to reply no. She then asked me what it was about. How was I supposed to explain "Lolita"???? To an older lady. In the middle of the Doctors office.

[L.M. The Third]

How indeed, papaya? Did you try?