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There's something about the female of the species, and especially in Yorkshire, where a day without, as you say, a childbirth incident, a discussion about somebody's health, ('e's not bin well, t'lad) or a graphic account of an operation has been wasted. Tha knows.
Aye - fistula an' piles they 'ad. T'wer a terrible shame when the' got ''thrush an' all...
Nah den, luv, does that want ter see me operation scar? Ah 'ad one o' them hysterical rectums, tha knows!
haha that was on purpose xDQuote:
Originally Posted by soundofmusic
He will make you feel like Bella.. by that I mean stare at you while you are sleeping.Quote:
Originally Posted by soundofmusic
Two old Yorkshire lasses chatting.
"Our Elsie's 'ad t'babby, burrit weren't a real 'un. She 'ad one o' them Caesarean Sexuals, tha knows."
"Is that what thiy do ter mek t'cattle pregnant?"
"Nao, luv, that's called Artifical Incrimination. Thiy do it wi' a syringe!"
"Nivver!"
"Ar, straight up, no Bull!"
I have four kids and four different horror stories if you're keen!Quote:
Originally Posted by prendrelemick
:lol:Quote:
Originally Posted by dafydd manton
Classic stuff!
I see you haven't lost your ear for the Welsh accent there dafydd :pQuote:
Originally Posted by dafydd manton
Ah, yes, well, my wife is from Yorkshire, as is my Mother-in-law who lives with us. In fact, I'm working on translating one of my (less successful) books in to a Yorkshire dialect. Whistle affter see, flower!
I've given Parker his annual leave for a fortnight - looks like the football is keeping them inside at night!
Capital, old boy. Bang on. Good show, what? Spiffing. Yes. Ha!
No wonder you are able to keep a hot young blonde wife, Don Juan in the bedroom and Gordon Ramsay in the kitchen:drool5:Quote:
Originally Posted by The Atheist
I have a few others you can clone for me at the same time: the housework lover sounds good; but I like them with vocal chords so they can gasp at my beauty and make a few guttural sounds
Exactly what I mean! Even when men do talk pregnancy and kids, or the occasional pulled groin or tennis elbow; it's amusing rather than gross.Quote:
Originally Posted by prendrelemick
I prefered the days when women gossiped about affairs and the neighbors leaving windows open...Quote:
Originally Posted by dafydd manton
:iagree::lol:Quote:
Originally Posted by Paulclem
They most certainly did! We had cold meals and interupted bedroom time for a year!Quote:
Originally Posted by Jesterhead
I think I want the Edward after the Bella transformation...more for the buck; particularly since I'm paying shipping..
:lol::smilielol5::smilielol5:Quote:
Originally Posted by dafydd manton
'Ere, whilst we're on the subject of the opposite sex, so named because they are generally opposed to everything we might do, why do you see so many ugly ones coming out of beauty parlours?
Blokes do less detail than women. I've never heard men discussing how many stitches their vasectomies took as a matter of pride.Quote:
Originally Posted by soundofmusic
:lol:Quote:
Originally Posted by dafydd manton
It's a common misconception that - like a house - a lick of emulsion and some gloss on the skirting make beauty...
Just in case any of the chaps are travelling in the next little while:
It won't affect too many of us, being of the wrong generation, but any of our younger members - so to speak - would be well advised to avoid Christchurch Airport Customs in the interim.
http://www.stuff.co.nz/national/3825...rch-court-case
Just cancelled the trip to New Zealand - not because of any bias, but I'm told that all 127 of them have gone to South Africa, for reason or reasons unknown.
Guys and gal I have got myself in a moral morass and your suggestions would be greatly appreciated. Me and my faithfull hound Turncoat were out for our early morning walk when, all of a sudden, Mutley's hair stood on end and he started howling and shaking in front of a shiny object. On closer inspection it turned out to be a crocodile skinned wallet. In character I scanned the landscape 360 degrees and shoved it in my pooch. When we got home I opened it and discovered £5000 in fifty pound notes and no identification of ownership, what could I do ? I showed it to Mrs Jocky, big mistake. She pointed out that it could be a pensioners life savings or, even worse a drug dealers stash." Darling I can't hand it in for altruistic reasons and besides we are broke". Helpfull suggestions would be welcome. :)
Oh, if only I had that kind of luck!
Fair go, half and half for you and 'er indoors.
I'd have to see pictures of the custom officers beforehand, but sounds like the perfect way to spice up a trip.Quote:
Originally Posted by The Atheist
Jocky, you trumped my next posting. I was about to present my quarterly update on the TBRC. There hasn’t been much activity other than a new article entered back in May, by a Bigfoot bounty hunter named Jerry Hestand. ---
http://www.texasbigfoot.org/index.ph...ws/48-news/176
Hmm…You know Jocky, donations are graciously accepted at TBRC. I wonder what the conversion rate is?
Gilliatt
Quote:
Originally Posted by jocky
Thank goodness ! I was wondering where my wallet had got to.
:lol:Quote:
Originally Posted by prendrelemick
Isn't yours the one covered in cobwebs with 50p in it?
(Mine doesn't even have 50p!)
50 whole pence?? Egad!! Riches beyond the dreams of Creosote!! (He was the deity they put up against a wall!)
You mean I have found Bigfoot's wallet ! This could lead to a spot on the Larry King show. Wait till I tell Mrs Jocky. :)Quote:
Originally Posted by Gilliatt Gurgle
You will recieve the wallet minus cash in the next post, C.O.D. naturally. Old Atheist has got you pegged. :)Quote:
Originally Posted by prendrelemick
:lol:Quote:
Originally Posted by dafydd manton
That's right he was the one that blessed my brand spanking new £5000 shed, or was it Crocus ? This plethora of Gods can lead to a great deal of confusion, not unusual for this thread, :)
Confusion? Wasn't he a Chinese philospher?
No, that was Wun Hung Lo.Quote:
Originally Posted by dafydd manton
Him and his brother Hoo Flung Dung?
That's the guy!Quote:
Originally Posted by dafydd manton
Family philosophers, just like the Marx Bros.
Is that Karl and Groucho?
That's the ones - started Marx and Spencer, but they threw Harpo Spencer out because he wasn't very funny. Zippo went on to invent the cigarette lighter.
I worked in a department store years ago and everytime there was a makeup show, the girls would grab me. They would show the ladies, "Look at how drab this woman looks and with just a bit of our makeup....Quote:
Originally Posted by dafydd manton
The ladies would buy the whole set up; but the secret was good bones.
Ah yes, that is what makes blokes pleasant to be with...of course, I haven't quite figured out how to get more details when I'm dating one:idea:Quote:
Originally Posted by The Atheist
I've found with I and my house, as we get older, it's going to take a good deal of sanding and resurfacing to make us marketable:lol:Quote:
Originally Posted by Paulclem
Well, if I found a stashed wallet without ID, I would have to assume that it belonged to a thief or someone trading the money for an identity...I think, that since Mrs Jocky has some reservations about spending it; you should keep the whole bundle, except, of course, for what little bits you would like to donate to your friends on the blokes thread;)Quote:
Originally Posted by jocky
What a gent; I think I might talk her into putting her half in our joint checking:lol:Quote:
Originally Posted by The Atheist
Maybe you'll have better luck with those officers than I did; they let me pass in my leather teddy and a bag of Columbian gold...I guess it was the cellulite that put them off the scent:lol:Quote:
Originally Posted by OrphanPip
Oh my god, is that wallet made out of an English croc...nothing meaner than an English croc:yikes:Quote:
Originally Posted by prendrelemick
That was a smart move by Jerry, I'll bet he'll catch big foot using those school children as kibble:drool5:Quote:
Originally Posted by Gilliatt Gurgle
:confused:Quote:
Originally Posted by dafydd manton
:brow::smilewinkgrin:Quote:
Originally Posted by The Atheist
:sick::smilielol5:Quote:
Originally Posted by dafydd manton
:crazy:Quote:
Originally Posted by The Atheist
:idea::cool:Quote:
Originally Posted by prendrelemick
:lol::biggrinjester:Quote:
Originally Posted by dafydd manton
Harpo Spencer, is that the bloke who got mugged in Govan by a man and a dog of his croc skin wallet and went on to write The fairy Quean before entering the New Zealand customs service?:rolleyes5:
The mind boggles:lol::lol::lol:Quote:
Originally Posted by soundofmusic
Crikey, we'll be on to Lord Lucan next!
On the subject of Gods, there are three Eastern deities who have been most influential in my life, you may have heard of them, Guid Luk, Tuff Luk and Nae Luk. Of late the latter has been in the ascendancy. Atheist, Lord Lucan is alive and well and living in the Isle of Skye disguised as a Benedictine monk. :)
Not so! Lies! Foul Calumny! Lord Lucan is alive and well, wearing a ginger wig and working in a chip shop in Rochdale - you know the one, it's managed by Elvis. They do a very nice saveloy.
I know the one, Our Gracieland Chippy.
(you see what I did there?)
Ee, I'm impressed, lad. That were reight good! Pity there's no way of squeezing in the word "Fields", that'd really pull 'em in.
Never mind the saveloy, I go there because I love me (fish) tender.
Ok I'll stop now.
Sorry, I'm all shook up after the magnitude and brilliance of that one!
Recently I have turned my mind to all things astronomical, so much so that I have converted my attic into an observatory, complete with the Meade ETX-LS 6" telescope.....man, that Heather Macpherson at number 42 sure looks hot in her skimpy white underwear embroidered with tiny red roses. She really needs to close her blinds at night, you never know who could be watching.... I digress, what was I on about, oh yes, Mrs Jocky paid a visit to my newly converted attic and after 5 minutes of silent observation remarked, " In the magnificence and wonderment of our Universe Mars looks comparitively tiny and insignificant. " I thought that was so profound I did not have the heart to tell her she was looking through the wrong end of the telescope. :)