A Short Collection of Trashy Poems

[Maryd.]

I have to admit I had to look up who/what Steve Madden is...
Another fine one girl... You keep all these good poems up... I may have to move to America to be with my favourite poet. :)

[PrinceMyshkin]

I love the narrative casualness of this and especially the kind of impromptu last four lines.

[hillwalker]

I love the sly theme of 'combat' that kicks off the piece and also neatly concludes it - is love not a battle fought between the sheets?

There's so much eroticism within the phrase posh lip shaped sofa given the context.

And to surrender so meekly after some vino! You're obviously a cheap date.

H :-)

[Haunted]

Mary, I'm going to crank up the poem machine, book your flight now!

Prince, thanks. Yeah, formal somehow just doesn't go with Steve Madden.

Hill, say it isn't so! It's $300 a bottle...okay, $75, but still! Once again, your interpretation is right on the money :)

[firefangled]

This is a worthwhile collection to tune into. Glad I did. You have an economical way of creating drama, great images (a little reminiscent of PaperLeaves) and arresting turns into the personal.

I'm definately a fan.

[hoope]

hi Haunted ..

Nice poem .. i love it :)

Lovely collections you go !

[blank|verse]

The syntax in the first two stanzas, with break awkward and noun article-less ('are necessity') make this as clumpy as those combat boots, which is either a nicely achieved use of form reflecting content, or an example of what is called the 'mimetic fallacy' (eg. that a poem about boredom should itself be boring).

But it's an effective use of synecdoche, the hard-*** boots representing the narrator's defensiveness. And the final metaphor is a brilliant touch. Nice work, Haunted.

[Haunted]

firefangled I'm blown away with your totally amazing comment, thank you so much!

Hoope so glad you enjoyed it : )

b|v, I gave 'are necessity' some thought but in the end decided to drop the article because it slows down the flow and really doesn't add any meaning to the line. On reading your comment I changed it to plural so it can go without an article. If it sounds clumpy it's not intended. I don't see how else I would change the line breaks so I'll leave it as of now. Thanks for your time, I appreciated your comment!

[Hawkman]

I have a bit of a problem with the transition form L2 -L3, but apart from that it's a cracking little poem, Haunted.

Best, H

[Haunted]

thanks Hawk, I'm get cracking on the next one

[Bar22do]

A well penned, effective and original take in this, Haunted.
The "posh lip shaped sofa", as well as the last L are really great.
The two lines in the middle render so well the usual feeling of threat from which N decides to rest in S3.

Like B/V I noticed your nice use of synecdoche.

Best from Bar

[Haunted]

Bar Thanks so much, the "posh lip shaped sofa" welcomes you and your comment. Cheers!

[Jerrybaldy]

I too had to google steve madden and he wasnt what I thought he would be. I love your 48 but so many of your poems are in the 20's in my head with all the class given to that decade and deserving of a screwdiver drinking, screwed up, loved, member of this brown painted room.

[Haunted]

Jerry, it's so uncanny that you mentioned the 20s because that's exactly what I have in mind for a poem incubating in my head. I see that you officially moved to 1948. I'll get you a screwdriver.

[Haunted]

of cat and men


in the old world brick fireplace
red tongues hungrily consume
the bitter drafts that sweep
across the family room floor

on the warmed fringe throw rug
a cat and a dog in a world of two
eyes closed in hearty content
as they listen for every crackle
from the homely fire

the calico molds herself
into the side of the basset hound
her man, her rock

below the cherry colored calligraphy
I imagined scripting my own
us, winter 2010

but then you don’t care for
Christmas cards
and I never reached
for the pen

[PrinceMyshkin]

I don't think you really mean under the calligraphy? That short 3rd verse is especially moving, and the last verse is very sad (though I think "from anyone" is superfluous information, unless you mean it as a hint that the "basset" has something of an anti-social condition in general).

[hillwalker]

One imagines the writer identifying herself with the calico cat - and her estranged other half has perhaps been replaced by the bassett hound.

The decision not to write the Christmas card after all - realizing the sentiments would be wasted - is particularly touching.

H

[Bar22do]

You always touch deeply, especially when pets are involved... "Us, winter 2010" sounds quite self-sufficient, I think! Happy Christmas and new year... (this is not a card, and I hope you do care :smile5:) Bar

[Haunted]

Bar, yes I care!! Thank you so much!

Prince, by "calligraphy" I mean the printed calligraphed greeting card copy. I rephrased it, hope it's clearer now. The "basset" isn't anti-social (your reference managed to extract a chuckle from me despite the prevailing sadness). "From anyone" is to say that the "cat" is just anyone to him and not someone special, whether it's really the case or only self-perceived. I added that as an afterthought, it was not in the original version. I'm going with your comment and have taken it out.

Hill, estranged indeed. How did you know? Your psychic abilities is amazing. It's one of those "based on a true story" story, sigh. No dog replacement. She already has a "guy" cat that shares some characteristics with a dog, namely drinking from the toilet.

[hillwalker]

My psychic abilities are purely down to your skill as a writer in conveying the context... and for a moment there I thought you were inferring the cat shares the toilet-drinking habits of the estranged one! :-)

H

[Haunted]

no no, just the caninish feline!! :=D

[Maryd.]

You character. Took me a moment or two, to work out the cat and dog thing. But I married it all up and came to the conclusion that you are an excellent poet. I often wonder why though, that you call this a thread a trashy thread. Your work never ceases to amaze me. This one being my favourite - well for a while, or until you create another amazing one. :)

[Haunted]

In this case I hope that one man's trash is another man's treasure. You're a doll for saying that, Mary.

[firefangled]

Haunted, this was done so well. You know the secret of less is more in that ending.

[Haunted]

Fire, thanks so much, I enjoy reading your comments as always!

[Haunted]

New Year's Eve at Times Square


the countdown has begun:
the first day of the year
would be her last

she is the centerpiece
a sultry nude frozen in
a sculptured block of irony

of all the millionnaires
and filthy rich heirs
at the high society A list party
her heart beats only
for the penniless porter

at the stroke of midnight
he would sweep her up
and they would walk down
the aspalt aisle of Broadway
attended by a million guests

after the ball dropped
so did a tear
and then another
and another
they were supposed to
live happily ever after
she weeps all night
she’s losing her head...

on new year’s day
the porter mechanically
reaches for a floor mop
and proceeds toward a pool
of melted ice

[PrinceMyshkin]

she is the centerpiece
a sultry nude frozen in
a sculptured block of irony


is especially fine, given that one half imagines the word "ivory" that would have been the ideal, romanticized preference here. And throughout this, there's a sort of hands-off approach that keeps the piece from becoming mawkish.

[hillwalker]

This is so, so subtle - almost a reversal of the Pygmalion myth.

Bravo madame

H

[Haunted]

Prince I don't want them to think ivory. It's an ice sculpture and I want to show the fragility of life and the transience of love. I'm wondering now if I should change "sculptured block of irony" to "an icy block of irony". But "frozen" and "icy" seems redundant and I would be repeating ice again in the last line...hmm

Hill, I didn't see that at first, how interesting. Happy endings would be good sometime. I should try it. Thank you sir :=)

[PrinceMyshkin]

Prince I don't want them to think ivory. It's an ice sculpture and I want to show the fragility of life and the transience of love. I'm wondering now if I should change "sculptured block of irony" to "an icy block of irony". But "frozen" and "icy" seems redundant and I would be repeating ice again in the last line...hmm

No, the fleeting thought of "ivory" only intensifies your use of "irony," which works here extremely well!

[Bar22do]

Tough while so delicate, well mastered and penned. Thank you Haunted, Bar - a very happy New Year to you again!

[Haunted]

Prince, I'm relieved, thanks!

Bar, it's always so nice to read your comments. Have a wonderful New Year yourself!!

[Maryd.]

Ha, yes the irony... All melted in tears of chill.
xo

[Haunted]

thanks Mary, love the way you put it. xoxo

[Haunted]

the anesthesiologist


I took all my clothes off
shoved them out of sight
in the painfully heavy bag
reached for the sad looking gown
with unfairly short ties
opening to the back

walking out I wonder
if my tush is showing

I have no insurance
no next of kin
he said it don’t matter
where I’m going

he promised there won’t be pain
and with an assuring hand
he pried my bag from me

I press my cold cheek on
the back of that hand
I feel a slight tickling from
the small golden hairs
I turn until my lips touch
the warm padded skin
then I take my time kissing it

[PrinceMyshkin]

This has got to be one of your best poems - and also, of course, one of your most morbid. I hate the ending but exactly in the way you mean me to hate it.

You need to make the switch from past to present more gracefully than you do here, before the final stanza.

[Delta40]

wow what an anethesist! I like the description of the hospital gowns but I have to say, I got the impression that where you were going, you weren't coming back as if you were kissing the hand of a merciful God...

[hillwalker]

Loved it - haunting and nightmarish, yet also reassuring.
The way we always surrender meekly to people in white coats whenever we need their mercies.

I can't say more - you really created a gem here

H

[Maryd.]

For a momment there, I thought I was going under.... You tease - you -...
xo

[Haunted]

Thanks Prince, Delta, Hill and Mary!

Prince, thanks for the thumbs up. I agree, I had trouble with the tenses from the getgo. Any suggestions?

Delta, you're right 100% ; )

An l-word from Hill, can't ask for more.

Mary, always enjoy reading your comments!

[PrinceMyshkin]

Prince, thanks for the thumbs up. I agree, I had trouble with the tenses from the getgo. Any suggestions?

You could narrate it in the present tense all the way through. Why not? But if you have objections to that, any of the following are places where a switch from past to present would be less obtrusive:


walking out I wonder...

The switch would work here because of the shift from simply carrying out an action, to the self-consciousness of the line that immediately follows.

Or you could do it here:


I have no insurance
no next of kin
he said it don’t matter


where the anxiety of being uninsured comes to the surface, in which case "he said it don't matter" should become he says it doesn't matter and off you go for the rest of the poem

[Haunted]

I'll go with "wonder", that's what it was originally but because I seldom write in past tense I thought everything should be past tense before the last stanza. Thanks Prince!

[firefangled]

I agree, Haunted, one of your best. The intimacy is harrowing.

[Haunted]

Fire, thanks for your kind words!

[Bar22do]

Wow haunted! It's overwhelming. Sensitive, close, distant, sad, impossible... and an exquisite poem indeed. Best of all for the new year, Bar

[Haunted]

Bar, I appreciated that! You too, best wishes for a wonderful new year.

[Haunted]

Adam’s apple pie


you smell delish
would it be too forward
if I finger taste you

it’s not Old Spice you need
it’s me

with a single head toss
I could drop enough star dust
to spice up your world

in return I’d like a satiable
piece of the pie
and I meant your net worth

you can find me on Facebook
my name is Cinnamon

[Bar22do]

A delightful poem! haunted. Delicious pie! sweet idea, smiling writing! :smile5:

best from Bar!

[firefangled]

What a tease, this Cinnamon character! A very loaded poem it seems to me. I couldn't help thinking a tad bit biblical (probably incorrectly so), while at the end recognizing this fully contemporary material girl.

Great poem, Haunted!

[PrinceMyshkin]

Hey, Cinnamon, what a spicey young woman you are - and how delightful is your voice!

[Haunted]

Thanks Bar your comment is even more delightful!

Fire, yeep, it's all about the money :wink5:

Prince you are tooooo kind...!

[qimissung]

I was thinking a little biblical, too! Adorable, in any event!

By the way, I, too, love your previous poem. That's a keeper, short and stunning.

[Haunted]

Thanks Qim, that means so much!

yes there is a bit of biblical suggestion but its only tinny tinny, mostly the reference is profane. It's a double entendre, Adam -- apple -- Adam's apple, anatomically speaking. Hence, Old Spice for the Adam's apple, and cinnamon spice for the apple pie. : )

[Jerrybaldy]

Hi Haunted
can you quit being so damn prolific... now I am miles behind :) I loved the anesthesioligist and adams apple. They were both mysterious to me and very well written. They also both had a different feel to most of your work as though you have swerved off onto a diversion.

The padded skin at the end of the former made me think of your cats, but that may be way off and your doubloe entendres of the latter were a delight. Way to go New Yoik .
Jerry

[blank|verse]

would it be too forward
if I finger taste you
Not quite sure how to read that bit, but yes, it does sound rather 'too forward'...

A cheeky little poem nonetheless.

[Maryd.]

Oh yes cinnamon very cheeky indeed... with a tinge of apple. A little cheekiness with a lot to say. Clever girl.

[Haunted]

Thanks b|v and Mary, hope it was fun for you, a cheeky apple poem a day keeps the nosy neighbor away...

Jer, long time no see. Thrilled to hear you're loving the anesthesioligist and adams, that's a double A rating for New Yoik, yay. Interesting take on the padded paws, but no cats here. I just love a nice soft hand, not the veiny ones. Makes the going a pleasure trip.

Sorry Prince, I can just sense you getting totally morbid out now.

[Janine]

Haunted, well constructed and clever poem. I like it very much. Interesting use of metaphor and precise words to invoke suggestion. Now this one seems to be based very much on 'imagery', even though 'concept' is still very obvious.

[Haunted]

Janine, really glad you like it. You're right, I'm not big on imagery. It's one of my weak points. But your comment is reassuring. Thanks!

[Jerrybaldy]

Hiding my veiny hands here :D

[Haunted]

hands with big blue veins
now in a poem that tries to rhyme
I say Jerry is just as vain
his blue blood going to his head
Baldy he might be but not in vain

:coolgleamA:

[Haunted]

A Short Collection of Trashy Poems

introduction (http://www.online-literature.com/forums/showthread.php?p=912316)
D22 westbound (http://www.online-literature.com/forums/showthread.php?p=912488)
love story (http://www.online-literature.com/forums/showthread.php?p=929649)
overnight snow (http://www.online-literature.com/forums/showthread.php?p=939980)
his green eyes (http://www.online-literature.com/forums/showthread.php?p=945810)
September 2nd (http://www.online-literature.com/forums/showthread.php?p=948623)
existence (http://www.online-literature.com/forums/showthread.php?p=955716)
dinner date (http://www.online-literature.com/forums/showthread.php?p=962459)
don't take my baby (http://www.online-literature.com/forums/showthread.php?p=966878)
car talk (http://www.online-literature.com/forums/showthread.php?p=968268)
Google Earth (http://www.online-literature.com/forums/showthread.php?p=970410)
dead on (http://www.online-literature.com/forums/showthread.php?p=974290)
My name is Jane (http://www.online-literature.com/forums/showthread.php?p=979538)
hazardous driving (http://www.online-literature.com/forums/showthread.php?p=984791)
of cat and men (a Christmas poem) (http://www.online-literature.com/forums/showthread.php?p=990260)
the anesthesiologist (http://www.online-literature.com/forums/showthread.php?p=993959/)
Adam's apple pie (http://www.online-literature.com/forums/showthread.php?p=998014)
honesty (http://www.online-literature.com/forums/showthread.php?p=1003953)
the real me (http://www.online-literature.com/forums/showthread.php?p=1006565)
the fire (http://www.online-literature.com/forums/showthread.php?p=1009085)
Sense and Sensuality (http://www.online-literature.com/forums/showthread.php?p=1012143)
800 days of winter (http://www.online-literature.com/forums/showthread.php?p=1014702)

[Haunted]

0


thanks I’m just fine
yes I got disconnected
no I don’t know the number
no I don’t know the name
ummm actually...
I wasn’t callin’ anyone
I have no one...
did you know you can
implode in a void...
now there’s an echo
can you fix that
that low drawn out wailin’
wailin’ wailin’ wailin’
before you do that operator
can you please
reconnect me

[PrinceMyshkin]

Ouch! This has the ring (and the sting!) of reality....

[Delta40]

what a beautiful lonely poem! so effective with lack of number and name. An echo, a void and endless wailing! Very moving Haunted.

I think 'quickly' detracts for the sense of emptiness and disconnection of the poem and would consider removing it.

[Haunted]

Prince, thanks for your comment, so cleverly playing back on the poem.

Delta, I wondered about that, it's really not necessary, I just stuck it in, er, quickly. It's now taken out at your suggestion. Thanks for the pointer and kind words.

[Maryd.]

Hmm, this one almost sounds familiar, but not. To be connected is a good thing. But sometimes it's not all that...

Another excellent piece of reality.

Well done my dear.

[Haunted]

Thanks Mary. Speaking from experience perhaps?

[Maryd.]

hmmm. Don't even go there.

[DieterM]

Hmmm, this sounded familiar from the Minimalist Poetry Contest. Good idea to post it in your thread, as we all can now comment. I think with your editing, it has gained in power and looks even more minimalist to me, which makes it all the more poignant. And it rings a bell in my head, a sad bell from the past... Thank you for posting...

[hillwalker]

I liked this - not sure whether the subscriber is actually speaking to the operator (do they really still have telephone operators in the US?) or to herself and the 'wailing' of the dialling tone.

H

[qimissung]

Pithy and dark night of the soulish...reminds me of that old song by Jim Croce. A good'un as usual, Haunted.

[Jerrybaldy]

Lonely.

[firefangled]

I like the element of confusion in this. It suits this tale of desperate loneliness

[Haunted]

I hear ya, Mary, sigh.

Dieter, I recycle trash :wink5: It's great to know that you find the rewrite better.

Hill, amazingly (some) phone companies haven't totally abandoned us yet, they still have operators on their land lines. Also most businesses do if you survive the endless loop of menus. I usually just press 0 randomly and if I'm lucky I get an operator. But yeah, it's an internal dialogue in many ways. I didn't even realize the dial tone resembles wailing, you are brilliant :=D

Qim, I know Jim Croce's voice but not familiar with his music. Do you know the name of the song? Thanks for your comment as always.

Jerry, lonely indeed. Thanks for the read.

Fire, so glad it works for you. I value your comments. Thanks!

[Haunted]

Night & Day


that's us
we NEVER see
eye to eye

all except
that one moment
every day

when we meet
each other
halfway


face to face


nose to nose


until we fuse
into one climactic
flushed Sunset

[PrinceMyshkin]

Love the spareness of this, the absence of pushiness in it!

[hillwalker]

Cryptic but filled with so much promise.

I just wonder whether the "will" in L7 is essential to the message in this poem - if not you might consider removing it to smooth the final few lines' gentle flow to its conclusion

(or possibly making it "we'll").

H

[Haunted]

Hill, I agree "will" gets in the way and I removed it.
If it's cryptic it's because it's not written all that well and I just revised it. I wanted to write about the magical daytime and nighttime border on the globe as the earth turns (Day —> Sunset <— Night). At the same time I want to draw a parallel that people (couple) who are opposites of each other can meet each other halfway—perhaps.

Prince, I hope I didn't muck it up too badly and spoil the spareness.

[Jerrybaldy]

I too read it as cryptic at first when the light was blinding. Exposed in the dawn looking in all the wrong places. x

[yuka]

a brief and meaningful piece

I love the title, the last 3lines. end with forceful

well-done. haunted

[hillwalker]

ooooops - wrong thread!

[yuka]

ooooops - wrong thread!


Haha, I am wondering , how, did you do that?

[hillwalker]

Haha, I am wondering , how, did you do that?

Trying to post a new poem in someone else's thread!!! and trying to do two things at once.

H

[Haunted]

Thanks Yuka for your kind words!

Jerry, that cryptic word again. I guess not everyone shares my meteorological obsession and the concept that sunset is when day and night get together is a bit lame. Sigh.

Hill, you left your flippers here :D I'll go down to the Water after I'm done with the half dozen clams on the half shells.

[Haunted]

honesty


there are days
I doubt you
and I love you less

if you were hurt
I don’t owe
any apologies

I would walk away
take the next Amtrak
and wake up in a new state

truth is

seeing your eyes again
in the morning
is the only reason
to open mine

[Delta40]

honesty. what a sad truth! so dependent and yet able to exile oneself emotionally if need be as a matter of survival. Is this the essential difference between honesty and truth? whatever it is, you've captured something thought provoking in your poetic net Haunted.

[PrinceMyshkin]

I'm not sure whether you mean us to read these as two separate poems or as two phases of the one relationship? Somehow the difference between them is too extreme for the 2nd interpretation... and there's something that doesn't quite work for me in the second stanza of the first half. Surely there ought to be a "you" after I don't owe?

And how economical each of the two halves is.

[Haunted]

Delta, you see so much more deeply than I felt capable with my words. There's certainly a sense of codependency happening here. I had to choose between "self exile" and "sanity", both a technique in survival. Thank you for your insight, you made the poem seem worthy.

[Maryd.]

Hey Haunted I may be looking at this one differently. But I feel it could either mean two things. The end of one relationship and the start of a new one. Or, what the reader is trying to portray, is mixed emotions of the relationship he/she is in at the time. Anyway whatever the message, you've manage to do it again. Keep us on our toes. :)
Well done my friend.

[Jerrybaldy]

read it as it is the honesty of expressing feeling and the underlying truth that sometimes the all you can do is go on loving. simple understated and poetic.
J x

[Haunted]

Prince, Mary, thanks for your comments. It's one relationship, one poem. It speaks of the many feelings in a relationship that conflict with each other, just as you surmised Mary. In that respect I guess it may appear to be separate poems.

Thank you Jerry!

[hillwalker]

I sense the narrator is torn between facing the truth and giving in to her heart :wanting to cut all ties when acknowledging the flaws in this relationship, yet unable to let go due to the overwhelming love she still feels for him.

And it's neatly encapsulated here.

H

[Haunted]

Hill, you just sized it all up. Should I even be surprised coming from you? : )

Prince, I forgot to put in "you" in S2 but then it seems cleaner and universal in a sense. So I decided to leave it out.

Jerry, I re-read your comment, it's so eloquent like I don't deserve it. Thanks again :D

[Haunted]

the real me


I am the knock
on their door
they ignore

I am the voice
on their phone
they hang up on

I am somebody
@something.com
they delete

I am a 100 pixels
by 73 pixels avatar
nothing more.

[Delta40]

Oh Haunted. I hope you don't actually feel this way!

Secondly as a poem you use the sounds of existence and the technology of existence to your advantage to diminish the real you. Very effective and it hits home to me straight away.

[zoolane]

Sound of 1 st stanza tried to avoid someone at the front, the rest of it remind me of have photo taken but really does not want to have taken.

Sorry just re reading the poem. I also hope you don't feel that way to. You have home and family here. xxxxxxx

[PrinceMyshkin]

God, this is surely close to the bleakest of the poems you've written & posted - but your confidence in handling this very terse form just grows and grows!

[Haunted]

Thanks Zoo and Prince.

Delta, true that, from real life to cyberspace. sigh.

[hillwalker]

I missed this because it was buried in the basement of the previous towerblock - but having retreated one page there you were. And as bleak and regretful as this reads - at least it got noticed, so your efforts were worthwhile. As are the efforts of reading your poetry.

H

[Jerrybaldy]

You are HAUNTED. Screw them all . But you know that :D x

[Haunted]

Hill, thanks for hauling it out of the basement, hope it was worthwhile for you too.

yes Jerry, with a driver :D Cheers

[Jerrybaldy]

Your value is splashed all over the recent history of this classless society of ne'er do wells :D

[Haunted]

translation please (too much screwdriver in my noodle)

[DieterM]

Haunted, it's maybe because I feel somewhat weak and shaken at the moment (after a ghastly ex re-contacted me some days ago – a two-hour-phone-conversation too gruesome for words) but 'honesty' hit me in a tender spot, almost made my eyes water. You painted with so little and simple words a whole world in which I recognize so much of myself that it nearly hurts. When I was living with my ex (it lasted 13 years), I had that tendency to give up who and what I was for my Significant Other. I felt that 'seeing your eyes again/in the morning/is the only reason/to open mine'. When it was over (the creep had a sideway affair going on for months before I discovered it and left), I suppose you can imagine the pain, the feel of loss, the world crumbling down. I find all of these in your precious lines.
'The real me' is excellent, too; yet it appeals more to my head, less to my feelings ('honesty' was like an emotional hit with a hammer on my head!).

[Haunted]

Dieter, I'm touched by what you said and how much you relate to "honesty", means a lot to me. xo

[AuntShecky]

#345 is one of your better pieces. I say this because unless there is explicit evidence to the contrary, I try never to confuse the "I" of the poem, the speaker, with
its author. This piece works because it is expressed artfully (each stanza or "strophe) begins with the same phrase, "I am," it depicts an individual against the inroads of an extremely superficial, technological society, but most of all it's effective because rather than an amorphous, overly "personal" journal entry, it is actually "about" something specific.

All this gobbledy-gook above ^ is just to say that you've done a good job with this particular poem.

[Haunted]

Aunt, it's a pleasure to read your thoughtful gobbledy-gook. I walk a fine line between fiction and autobiography. But in this last one it really is me. :(

[Hawkman]

Hi Haunted, Sorry, been neglecting you a bit. Really liked your last two offerings but have a couple of suggestions to run by you.

In Honesty I would recommend dropping the last line of S3. By doing this you'd leave the statement open and give state a double meaning. It would also even the stanzas out so that they are all three lines. For this reason I'd also tweak the last one. try:

"To see your eyes every moring
is the only reason
I open mine"

Lastly I'd drop the italics on truth is.

The Real Me

The only thing I'd suggest here is changing the indefinate article to the definate in the first two strophes. Economical and effective poem.

Best, H

[Haunted]

Hawk, so glad you are back and with a bagful of suggestions no less! I'm guilty of the same but never for a lack of interest in reading the poetry here.

In honesty it is supposed to be a double meaning, so I dropped the last line as you said. I'm holding on to the word "again" in the last stanza, it implies a bit of codependency and for that reason I'm also leaving the bold/ital emphasis for "truth is"

In the real me you are absolutely right about the article.

thanks so much!

[Haunted]

A Short Collection of Trashy Poems

introduction (http://www.online-literature.com/forums/showthread.php?p=912316)
D22 westbound (http://www.online-literature.com/forums/showthread.php?p=912488)
love story (http://www.online-literature.com/forums/showthread.php?p=929649)
overnight snow (http://www.online-literature.com/forums/showthread.php?p=939980)
the little dancer (http://www.online-literature.com/forums/showthread.php?p=943035)
his green eyes (http://www.online-literature.com/forums/showthread.php?p=945810)
September 2nd (http://www.online-literature.com/forums/showthread.php?p=948623)
existence (http://www.online-literature.com/forums/showthread.php?p=955716)
dinner date (http://www.online-literature.com/forums/showthread.php?p=962459)
don't take my baby (http://www.online-literature.com/forums/showthread.php?p=966878)
car talk (http://www.online-literature.com/forums/showthread.php?p=968268)
Google Earth (http://www.online-literature.com/forums/showthread.php?p=970410)
dead on (http://www.online-literature.com/forums/showthread.php?p=974290)
postmarked 1948 (http://www.online-literature.com/forums/showthread.php?p=977844)
My name is Jane (http://www.online-literature.com/forums/showthread.php?p=979538)
fashionably speaking (http://www.online-literature.com/forums/showthread.php?p=987142)
of cat and men (a Christmas poem) (http://www.online-literature.com/forums/showthread.php?p=990260)
the anesthesiologist (http://www.online-literature.com/forums/showthread.php?p=993959/)
Adam's apple pie (http://www.online-literature.com/forums/showthread.php?p=998014)
honesty (http://www.online-literature.com/forums/showthread.php?p=1003953)
the real me (http://www.online-literature.com/forums/showthread.php?p=1006565)
800 days of winter (http://www.online-literature.com/forums/showthread.php?p=1014702)

[Haunted]

the fire



it took more than 1,500 degrees
but less than 10 minutes to reduce
11.5 pounds of pink flesh
and spotted orange fur
into 2.3 ounces
of ashes




last night just as
I was feeling all burnt out
he walked gingerly
over my tummy to the pillow
I was so damn scared to open my eyes
if I did he would simply vanish



~for Apricot

[PrinceMyshkin]

Oh God! Each part of this is heartbreaking on its own and almost unbearable read in sequence!

[Delta40]

What a painful yet eloquent poem Haunted that makes your loss so apparent. I can still hear my dog Barkie coming up the hallway at night.

[Haunted]

ah Prince, your comment touched me, thanks so much for reading.

Delta, I really think they stay close to us still, thanks for sharing your story of loss. The next day (this afternoon) Tiger was poking at the kitty steps which Apricot used to get on the bed. Tiger looked under it and even knocked it over. But somehow it straightened itself, and Tiger sniffed the floor next to it and looked to the other side of the room. Then he went up to Apricot's nest, about to go in but changed his mind, as though it was occupied.

[Delta40]

awww!

[Haunted]

Sense and Sensuality


what is it about the scent
of a brand new book
that makes me want you more

is it the novelty
or the sense of exclusivity

or is it the feeling of entitlement
to everything inbetween
your covers and the glossy jacket
which I can remove anytime
without permission

how each page rises at
the whim of my fingertip
wetted with my tongue
and lets me dog-ear the parts
I would return to
like a kitten back to her toy

side by side
top bottom bottom top
we will be spending
considerable time together
you'll see, I'm a terribly slow
and meticulous reader

[PrinceMyshkin]

Oh, this is freaking beautiful! Not that I would isolate them from the rest of this, but the line-breaks are so witty!

I picked up the hint of sexual double entendre at the end but couldn't read it back to the beginning of the poem despite the title...

[Jerrybaldy]

More than anybody else, your writing has changed out of all recognition (in a good way, before you throw a screwdriver at me). I get the impression you now craft each one in a way I never do, but hope to one day.

The days of puctuation police nitpicking seem to have subsided for now, thankfully as your poem shows. Excuse the pun but it's all between the lines dear haunted.

JerrystillhereB

[Haunted]

Prince, thanks so much for your wonderful comment and support.
I didn't get what you meant by not being able to read back to the title. Was I wrong then that I thought it completes itself in a full circle?

JerrygladyourestillhereB, make sure you are and visit often!!
I didn't notice any changes in my writing, the same ole trashy poetry, except that this one is not about my dead pets. Anyhoo your writing is always consistently amazing to this humble writer.

[YesNo]

Your poem, Sense and Sensuality, made me feel like I'm missing something by reading on the computer. Perhaps sitting in a chair with a keyboard and monitor is the new missionary position. :)

Nice job. The sensuality was well conveyed.

[PrinceMyshkin]

Prince,
I didn't get what you meant by not being able to read back to the title.

No, I meant that I looked back to see if I could find previous suggestions that this might be about a love affair as well as about reading but didn't find them - although, going back over the poem now, I do.

[Bar22do]

I like the J Austen's allusion plus feel pretty much the same about the intimacy with books I read (and own)! With a bit of effort but I managed to read it in "a wheel" way! Your inventiveness and subjects you pick up are praiseworthy!! Best from Bar

[Haunted]

YesNo, very funny, whatever works for you. Thanks for your comment.


Prince, you are good!!! My original version has an extra line to introduce the relationship, then I decided to lose it to avoid redundancy.

what is it about the scent
of a brand new book

I thought this is enough, maybe not. I have revised it with the extra line.


Bar, you read my thoughts. Thanks for your kind words.

[PrinceMyshkin]

Prince, you are good!!! My original version has an extra line to introduce the relationship, then I decided to lose it to avoid redundancy.

what is it about the scent
of a brand new book

I thought this is enough, maybe not. I have revised it with the extra line.



What if that last line read


you see, I am a slow
but attentive reader

?

[Delta40]

I like Prince's suggestion for the last line or:

you see, I like to take my time when I read

[Haunted]

Thanks Prince and Delta for weighing in!
Delta, believe it or not, your line was in my early drafts! but I'll go with Prince's version, it's more economical.

[Hawkman]

Hi Haunted, I love this poem with its sensual appreciation of the physical presensce of books. I reminds me a little of the opening to "Perigore", and unfinished short story of mine in the Short Story thread. You can keep your kimbles or kindles or whatever they are called. Give me paper and past-board and the feel of a book in the hand, the smell of the ink and the crackle of the pages as you turn them. Pure magic, as is your poem.

Live and be well - H

[Haunted]

Hawk, I was away for a little bit and couldn't wait to say thanks as I always look forward to your comments. I love your descriptions. I should also add how the spine bends as pages are turned. It just goes on and on. I have to check out Perigore. :)

[Haunted]

900 days of winter


day one
is a balmy September afternoon
but thirty thousand feet up
flying against the jet stream
it is subfreezing all the way
to the ICU


day 3
the death of a second parent
feels no different than
having a five dollar ice pick
aiming straight for
the ventricular chamber
the body retracts into
its original fetal position


between day 382 to 899
three more instances of
sharp force trauma to the heart


day 900
life exsanguinates
on a field of red snow


day 901
Happy Hour and baseball
and summer tv reruns
all is well in the world
just a few less people

[PrinceMyshkin]

Oh, this is a devastating poem! And accomplished without one drop (a far as I could tell) of self-pity! So strong!

[Delta40]

I think devastating is the word. Every line is like some painful blow. I actually thought of the twin towers disaster in the first two verses.

[Haunted]

Thanks Prince and Delta. You have come to be my moral support in my darkest poetic hours.

[blank|verse]

This is a rather discomforting poem, Haunted, that works well in suggesting some terrible loss, without being overly emotional.

The number '800' is clearly significant to the narrator, although the reader isn't told specifically why; but I don't think that matters a great deal, the suggestion is strong enough.

The poem is controlled emotionally by the use of medical or scientific diction: 'subfreezing', ICU', 'exsanguinates', 'ventricular chamber', and the diary-entry form, both of which gives the narrator a certain cold detachment from the reality of the poem's content.

At times, I felt the diction weakened the poem a touch - being threatened with an ice pick in the 'ventricular chamber' for me doesn't carry the same visceral fear as saying 'skull' or 'stomach' would.

But it's an inventive, compelling poem, and you've used form much to the advantage of the content.

[Jerrybaldy]

I have to ask what happened to day 4 to day 381? It definitely starts on 9/11 and 800 days on must take us to about 2004? Or just the winters... I give up haunted, I will buy you a screwdiver if you explain x

[Haunted]

b/v, Jerry, thanks for your kind words. Glad that you asked me about the years/numbers, shows that you are almost as obsessed with numbers as I am! It should have been something like 1,200 days, but I couldn't have any commas (punctuation) in my poems if I can help it, so I made that 800. But it should have been 900 for it to be a summer day, but my math is off.

Anyway 800 is a good number to look at. Sideways 8 is infinity, and squishing 00 together you get another infinity. But I should change it back to 900.

I wish I could write more passionately with words like stomach and heart without becoming overly sentimental. In the end I went with clinical words to avoid a pitiful tone.

4 to day 381 were spent anticipating day 382 and thereafter. It actually starts in 2007 when the sh t hit the fan.

*screwdrivers*

[Haunted]

[deleted]

[deryk]

I think sometimes the height and durability of a wall will express what is on the other side. Fantastic illustrations of condensation and displacement. Very stoic. Almost tragic in the original sense, maybe even heroic in that regard.

[Haunted]

deryk, welcome to the forum. It's a really nice comment but I'm confused, it refers to which poem?

[Bar22do]

It was such a good poem, why did you take it down, haunted!!!!!.... :bawling:
Bar...

[deryk]

deryk, welcome to the forum. It's a really nice comment but I'm confused, it refers to which poem?

Ah, sorry. The last one in the sequence. 900 days of winter

[Haunted]

deryk, I'm relieved you were referring to 900 days of winter and not the one I deleted. There are autobio elements in it so your kind words touched me, thanks again


It was such a good poem, why did you take it down, haunted!!!!!.... :bawling:
Bar...


aw Bar you are so sweet. I deleted it almost immediately and hoping no one saw it. In read back it was all over the map, there are two poems in it, and the whole thing is so depressing I couldn't stand it. I should know better not to post anything while I'm sick, it clearly shows my diminished creative/critical judgement. On the other hand, it was a personal poem and your comment is deeply appreciated

That said, I'm writing a fun one, I hope it works... stay tuned

[Bar22do]

Bar you are so sweet. I deleted it almost immediately and hoping no one saw it. In read back it was all over the map, there are two poems in it, and the whole thing is so depressing I couldn't stand it. I should know better not to post anything while I'm sick, it clearly shows my diminished creative/critical judgement. On the other hand, it was a personal poem and your comment is deeply appreciated

That said, I'm writing a fun one, I hope it works... stay tuned

All that is right, but it still was a heartfelt, well written poem, and your judgment too hard... anyway, let's forget about it since it's your wish; and it looks as though you've recovered! (since a fun poem is on the way!
Best regards from me!

[Haunted]

exit strategy


I don’t feel dressed unless
my toe nails are colored
in high gloss funeral black

when my feet sink
into the ghost white carpet
they look like ten onyx beads
fallen from a broken rosary

I’ll sidestep your charade
my misgivings I’ll leave
on my side of the bed

[PrinceMyshkin]

Verse 2 is a killer! The imagery is so strong.

And in the final line of the last verse the reference to "my side of the bed" looks innocuous at first reading but is very potent.

[Bar22do]

Here it's again, thanks, and it's even better!!! (not because less pessimistic...) kudos indeed! the ghost white carpet with its ten beads is such a powerful image.
Best, ar

[firefangled]

Add me to the list on this last one. Wow! Short like a pocket knife.

[Haunted]

Thanks Prince, Bar and Fire.

Bar, this poem wouldn't be here again without your earlier feedback which I appreciated very much. So you did see the very first version, argh. Yes, less pessimistic, I didn't feel it needs all that garbage in the end.

Fire, your pocket knife simile blew me away. We were so on the same page. There were 3 extra lines but I decided to lose them, they belong as another poem. Had I kept them, the poem would read as follows:


exit strategy


I don’t feel dressed unless
my toe nails are colored
in high gloss funeral black

when my feet sink
into the ghost white carpet
they look like ten onyx beads
fallen from a broken rosary

I’ll sidestep your charade
my misgivings I’ll leave
on my side of the bed

freedom

a double-edged sword

now within reach

[Bar22do]

Ah, ah, and if you only could decide to change your avatar as well... (follows a deep sigh, not a behest!)

[Haunted]

You mean a less haunting avatar? Not going to happen my dear Bar ;)

[Jerrybaldy]

Oh Haunted. Masterpiece of memorable images. You were right to lose those last three lines the lily needed no more gilding. I loved it.

[Haunted]

so glad you agree as well. *clang*

[Jerrybaldy]

*clang* and kudos to you dear haunted

[Haunted]

those three words


so I have this idea for a poem...

yet versions after versions went into the proverbial waste basket. I failed terribly.

then I got to thinking...why don’t YOU write it?

A Haunted Poetry Contest (http://www.online-literature.com/forums/showthread.php?t=60262)

...

[deryk]

exit strategy


I don’t feel dressed unless
my toe nails are colored
in high gloss funeral black

when my feet sink
into the ghost white carpet
they look like ten onyx beads
fallen from a broken rosary

I’ll sidestep your charade
my misgivings I’ll leave
on my side of the bed


I must admit, the title gave me expectations for an allegory of current events, but I decided that I was trying too hard. It's very vivid and painstaking. I'm still unpacking the possibilities. Well done.

[Haunted]

Deryk, I'm guilty of taking big words and apply them to small personal events. The way you worded your comment is very interesting: Unpacking the possibilities, while the persona is all packed and ready to exit. It seems you understand more about the poem than me. Cheers.

[deryk]

Deryk, I'm guilty of taking big words and apply them to small personal events. The way you worded your comment is very interesting: Unpacking the possibilities, while the persona is all packed and ready to exit. It seems you understand more about the poem than me. Cheers.

"Charade" and "misgivings" could equally bear a thousand faces - the rest of the action was extremely precise, so it was a point to wonder for me. I just thought it was interesting that you left those points very open. I read it as an appeal to universality, not a misunderstanding, but room for reflection.

[Haunted]

You got me there. I was intentionally vague with "charade" and "misgivings" after a sharply defined image of exiting metaphorically in black and white. There are a lot of gray areas in what goes wrong in relationships. I thought I would just let the readers to "unpack the possibilities" :)

[Delta40]

exit strategy


I don’t feel dressed unless
my toe nails are colored
in high gloss funeral black

when my feet sink
into the ghost white carpet
they look like ten onyx beads
fallen from a broken rosary

I’ll sidestep your charade
my misgivings I’ll leave
on my side of the bed


ooh! I love this one. The second stanza is a fantastic image. Will you leave his misgivings on his side?

[Haunted]

ooh! I love this one. The second stanza is a fantastic image. Will you leave his misgivings on his side?

nay ;)

[Haunted]

I want to take a moment to thank you all.
Your kind words and critical comments are priceless.
I'm a better writer because of you.

Goodnight Litnet


~ - ~ - ~



A Short Collection of Trashy Poems

introduction (http://www.online-literature.com/forums/showthread.php?p=912316)
love story (http://www.online-literature.com/forums/showthread.php?p=929649)
his green eyes (http://www.online-literature.com/forums/showthread.php?p=945810)
Google Earth (http://www.online-literature.com/forums/showthread.php?p=970410)
dead on (http://www.online-literature.com/forums/showthread.php?p=974290)
My name is Jane (http://www.online-literature.com/forums/showthread.php?p=979538)
fashionably speaking (http://www.online-literature.com/forums/showthread.php?p=987142)
of cat and men (a Christmas poem) (http://www.online-literature.com/forums/showthread.php?p=990260)
the anesthesiologist (http://www.online-literature.com/forums/showthread.php?p=993959/)
Adam's apple pie (http://www.online-literature.com/forums/showthread.php?p=998014)
honesty (http://www.online-literature.com/forums/showthread.php?p=1003953)
the fire (http://www.online-literature.com/forums/showthread.php?p=1009085)
Sense and Sensuality (http://www.online-literature.com/forums/showthread.php?p=1012143)

[Delta40]

Goodnight Haunted. Sleep tight :wave:

[Jerrybaldy]

Miss you already and you are going no where sweet haunted, see you soon x

[Haunted]

Be careful what you wish for Jerry x

[Haunted]

stay with me


he says something
I ignore him
it’s late

and then he sings
like his life depends on it
that gets my attention
my full attention

slowly I lie on the floor
my eyes fixating on him
he takes a step forward
throws his head down
now he's almost over me
stay with me he says
his fists tighten
the mike screams
but he screams louder
stay stay stay with me
pleeeease stay
stay with me
he’s relentless
I'm feeling helpless
staaaay with me he sings
I melt
I’m a puddle
of warm chocolate fudge
flowing towards his feet
he’s my new reality
on the other side
of the plasma screen

[Maryd.]

Wow, this one reaches out to me, Haunted...

"I’m a puddle
of warm chocolate fudge
flowing towards his feet"

Very nice my dear, very nice indeed.

[Jerrybaldy]

Al Green? One of your finest moments haunted. The line quoted by maryd is a pinnacle in a poem lost in the joy of sweet sweet music.

[DieterM]

I always enjoy reading your poems, and this one really made something vibrate in me (although, barbarian me, I don't seem to know Al Green – gotta Youtube the guy, I reckon). The only thing that puzzles me a bit is the single use of the past tense whereas the rest is told in the present tense (you know, the line "he took a step forward"). But not being a native speaker, I've perhaps missed something there... I sure have missed you and your poetic voice, haunted!

[Haunted]

Thank you so much Mary, Jerry and Dieter, I'm thrilled it engages you! I fixed it, thanks for the correction D, my grammar is awful.

Alas, it's not Al Green, I don't know him, had to wiki him. It's Pat Monahan, here it is (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=SMYrrvjWZKU).

[Haunted]

to a woman I used to know


I just want to
know how you are doing
did the nightmares stop
does the dry skin over your knuckles
still split open and
bleeds for hours
when you bend
your knotty boney fingers

mine are better
the nightmares that woke me up
now it’s just dreams
I can't wake up from
and I’m still bleeding

mom nod if you can
hear me see me
recognize me
any better
than the last year
of your life

[Delta40]

how painful haunted. Like watching an aging parent fade away into the thick mist of dementia.

[Hawkman]

Hello Haunted. I missed this first time round. It is a great poem, with the concision of Okham's Razor. So simple and so effective.

best - H

[PrinceMyshkin]

A raw voice speaking to a dead ear!

[Jack of Hearts]

Agree with Prince. What a hard thing to have to go through.





J

[Haunted]

Thank you all for your comments!

Delta, glad (in a saddening sense) that you can relate...

Hawkman, thank goodness you found it the second time around, I value all your comments.

yeah Prince, that's the size of it.

Jack, thanks for the read and the kind words.

[Haunted]

this kiss


he gently eats my lips
like they are liver delicacy
char-blackened by
designer lipstick as dark
as midnight

I lick every inch of his neck
before I nip on his earlobe

kiss my neck again
he moans

so I tease it with my tongue
and then I finish it off
in one impassioned bite
with my fangs

[Delta40]

Hey Stranger!

I like this poem but I think the last two lines are too revealing. Would it help to slip in a full moon and/or a metaphorical feast? IMHO

[Bar22do]

the kiss
is a nice poem, Haunted! I agree with Delta re the ending. Sensuality is in the air these days! and it's not the beginning of the spring (well, not it this part of the world)!
Long live erotic poetry!

[Haunted]

hi Delta and Bar, thanks so much for your comments.

I agree with both of you, but my brain turned to mush, this is the best I could come up with. At least I didn't say "blood red lips"!

[Delta40]

hi Delta and Bar, thanks so much for your comments.

I agree with both of you, but my brain turned to mush, this is the best I could come up with. At least I didn't say "blood red lips"!

lol. the red lips would have been too much! :lol:

[Bar22do]

You were extremely restrained in this kiss! ;) indeed! and charitable, too.

[Hawkman]

Hey haunted, welcome back! I must say I enjoyed this but I have to tell you it sparked some neurons in my brain which you probably never intended to reach - lol. Did you know that when the single strip colour film by Kodak was first introduced for shooting movies it lacked the red sensitivity of the old Thechnicolor three strip system. Red lipsticks always came out brown. The effect was called liver-lips!

But enough of this old movie history lore! This is a great poem and bags of fun. thanks for sharing :)

Live and be well - H

[Haunted]

Bar, restrained in sensuality or bloodlust? If it's lacking that's because good writing eludes me!

Hawk, so glad you enjoyed it. I equally enjoyed the old movie history that transforms red lipsticks to "liver-lips". It might not be desirable on film, but it makes a mysterious color. How fascinating!

[PrinceMyshkin]

I agree that the last two lines - or the last at any rate - are too much of a sucker-punch and kiss my neck again ought to be within quotation marks or italicized, as one (or I) initially took it as being in the voice of the narrator, but the slow unfolding of this heightens the eroticism.

[Haunted]

good catch Prince, I overlooked that. It's ital'd now.

It seems unanimous that I should do something about the ending lines, so I changed it somewhat. But not sure if it works. I welcome your suggestions and edits.

[Hawkman]

Actually I rather liked it as it was, it had more immediacy and was more tongue in wound, if you get my drift :D

Best, H

[Haunted]

ok Hawk, I revised back to what it was before but added an extra line. I thought maybe it ended too quickly for most commenters, so perhaps this will help readers ease into the "sucker-punch" as Prince so aptly put it.

[Hawkman]

Works for me :D

H

[Haunted]

thanks so much Hawk!

[Haunted]

dad’s anniversary


he was sitting up and
staring into space
when he crossed over

few days later
eyes shut and shuttered
he sleeps in peace

how it fills me with envy
that I am not the one
in the satin lined box

[Bar22do]

poignant brevity, haunted. a great tribute to dad... wonderful writing.
but tell N not to envy. for we do not know... ? ?

[Hawkman]

Well it says a lot, Haunted but at the same time, not quite enough. I'm undecided whether this is a good thing or not. I kind of want to know the reason for the envy. There's just so much left unsaid.

Live and be well - H

[blank|verse]

Yes, I agree with the others; the last line definitely makes an impact, but as it comes from nowhere, it seems to be unsatisfying.

And I think the 'shut-shuttered-utter' internal word-play is a bit too playful for the tone of this poem. I'd consider removing 'utter' as I think the first two work well. Still, interesting piece.

[Haunted]

Thank you so much for your comments, Bar, Hawk and BV.

Bar, it's true, we do not know, but the grass is always greener on the other side...

Hawk, BV, I thought about what you both pointed to and it's been several days and I couldn't come up with anything more satisfactory and less clinical. I didn't want to ramble on, I just want to say it's the notion of eternal peace that's very appealing. I left it at that, rather than going into reasons, it would be distracting and it's meant to be just a thought.

BV you are absolutely right about utter, it's obviously gratuitous. It's gone!

[Delta40]

very short and to the point Haunted. Reminded me of my own dad. I'm curious about the envy though...

[Haunted]

Delta, I'm sorry about your dad. You are the third person who tripped over the envy thing. After days of scratching my head, I came up with an alternative. Here it is.





dad’s anniversary


he was sitting up and
staring into space
when he crossed over

few days later
eyes shut and shuttered
he sleeps in peace
and it fills me with envy
that I am not the one
in the satin lined box

[Bar22do]

This is how I understood it previously, haunted, therefore I mentioned that since we can't know of that state, why envy... but I guess there are quite a few reasons N does.
I like the new version even better.

Best from Bar

[Hawkman]

There is still tragedy in this piece, Haunted, and I'm not sure that one should envy the dead, but it definitely reads with more balance. I would suggest though that you make the last three lines a seperate stanza, which would give you three, three-line verses and slow the reader before the final thought.

Live and be well - H

[Haunted]

Bar, I figured that was your question. It just got to be better, why else would they say RIP?

Hawk, good idea, Done!

[Haunted]

how many people does it take
to paint a table?


one to apply
lush paint strokes

another to perform
itty-bitty touch ups

touch up where he said

everywhere I said

nice he said

and so we work
eyes closed

[PrinceMyshkin]

I suspect we're meant to infer a sexual encounter here and though I can't decode the subtext, I love the seeming artlessness of it, the spontaneity.

[Jack of Hearts]

Like Prince said, this reader likes how it just seems to pop out of nowhere and bloom into a poem. Good read Queen Jane.








J

[cafolini]

I think no one would envy being in the box. I think this has more to do with the way of going. That could be envied. Perhaps a slight modification, like something implying fast and painless, could apply.

[Hawkman]

Hi Haunted, your latest offering would seem to possess an erotic subtext. It takes some skill to convey so much in so few sparse lines. it's very effective and a pleasing read.

Live and be well - H

[DieterM]

I just have to agree with the praise above. It's always a pleasure to read one of your poems, and this one turns out very effective in its simplicity. How is it you always manage to say so much more between the lines than with the sparse words you use?

[Haunted]

Prince, thanks so much for your comment. And you are very kind to word "seeming artlessness". But "seeming" or not, I fall short in the art of descriptions I find in other people's work. But then I'm a minimalist and pleased that you like the off the cuff spontaneity.

Jack, you said it so eloquently in your comments. In fact I too was surprised it ended up the way it did and worked. Jane says thank you!

cafolini, welcome to Litnet. I'm grateful for your thoughtful comment.

Hawk, I equally enjoy your short and sweet comment!

Dieter, funny you said that because I admire your skill in delighting us with extensive and engaging poems. To answer your question, I'm a simple person with very simple thoughts :D

[Haunted]

a day after the nuclear war


my eyelids glued shut
from dried acid rain
that earlier poured out
of my eyes

I see nothing
hear nothing
though I can still feel

red
...raw
my heart fell out
I’m just a cavity
I can't move

I won't survive
or do I want to

because it’s my own fault
I started it

the first fight
is the most wrenching

[Hawkman]

This poem has a direct simplicity about it that is very effective. There is a danger though, that it can be read as the introspective wail of someone wallowing in self-pity, so if that's what you were going for then you've nailed it. It's certainly emotional.

Not sure if, 'nuclear war' is intended ironically or not, though it could be, given that nuclear war has global connotations and this poem is all about one person's reaction after what was probably a fairly trivial "first" argument. Of course, if the argument was between the premiers of two nuclear superpowers, then in could, just concievably, lead to one - lol.

Live and be well - H

[PrinceMyshkin]

Oh yes, those first fights are often the most wrenching, as they perhaps signal the end of the halcyon period of the beginning of a relationship. It has always been my belief that a first argument bears close examination as, whatever the surface issue has been, it may be symbolic of deeper issues previously not addressed.

Taut poem!

[XQZ]

I like the simplicity of this, and the space on either side given for wondering. It's curious how the stupid fights linger, and after the final break up the things you remember the most, while the good times are just a long forgotten fairytale you don't have the spare energy to revisit. Put like this with the narrator admitting guilt, gives it a raw acid turn, one which speaks volumes. Should be more poems and stories about personal fallibility.

[Haunted]

Thank you Hawk, Prince and XQZ.

Hawk, it's indeed introspective wail but minus self-pity. Nuclear war is an analogy to how annihilating first fights are, and for the person it's their whole universe that's destroyed. Yes, the subject of the fight could be seen as "trivial" but the implications are often more serious.

Prince, we are on the same page. Worse yet, the first fight can also be the last.

XQZ, well said. I think it's self preservation that we remember the bad stuff to prevent from going back and making the same mistakes all over again.

[Delta40]

Interesting poem. I especially like the desciption of your eyes

[Haunted]

Thanks Delta, glad the description captured it for you.

[Jerrybaldy]

hello long lost haunted. You still have it, great choice of subject. The first fight where the honeymoon ends and realty kicks in. We are all probably best off alone and of course we always really are. Thought provoking and a reminder of what I have been missing whilst absent from here x

[Haunted]

hello homecoming Jerry. Thanks for your kind comment. I see that you haven't lost your cynical and pessimistic views of the human condition, thank gawd. Looking forward to more JB writing. x

[Haunted]

Hawk's Earthquake poem reminded me of something I wrote eons ago. It goes like this...






morning news


downstairs neighbor told us
there'd been an earthquake
all night long

[hillwalker]

Hmhm - was that his less than subtle way of complaining about what his upstairs neighbours got up to?

H

[Hawkman]

Rather sounds like it, hill. It's a cute one-liner Haunted, but I'd change the apostrophe s for an apostrophe d.

Live and be well - H

[Haunted]

Ha, I'd say that's considered subtle in NY. Yeah, it was all one-liners back in the day, almost riddle-like. Now I tend to ramble and end up paring down a lot. Thanks Hill and Hawk for the read.

[blank|verse]

Yeah, short and sweet, unlike the subject of the poem, which sounds more long and sweaty...

[Haunted]

Thanks b/v, your comment is just as short and sweet and the last part right on the money.

[Haunted]

spoons


the world
reappears
sideways

reflexively
you turn over
until we fit
like a set

[Hawkman]

It's quite a nice image Haunted. Perhaps "Reflexively" rather than "like reflex" which isn't quite right.

Live and be well - H

[Bar22do]

morning news


downstairs neighbor told us
there'd been an earthquake
all night long

haunted, this is both clever and subtle. And the subject entity clearly in need of rescue operation!

[Delta40]

spoons


the world
reappears
sideways

like reflex
you turn over
until we fit
like a set




I like this and the vision of nestling into a partner

[deryk]

spoons


the world
reappears
sideways

like reflex
you turn over
until we fit
like a set




Excellent. You have the wit of Gustave Courbet.

[Haunted]

Hawk, thanks for weighing in. I changed to "reflexively" but not sure if I actually prefer "like reflex." Don't know about the grammar but it's a bit punchier. I'll sleep on it....

Delta, really glad it visually works for you.

Bar and Deryk, in lieu of an equally clever and witty response to your kind comments, let me just say thanks so very much!!!!

[Haunted]

terminal


the grand wall clock
has the right time
but I'm biding mine
in the waiting room

I hope the last call will be made
by a sympathetic conductor
who will wait till I’m ready

really really ready

I wonder if I have enough makeup
need to look stunning for the trip
make that nice lasting impression

even if they have to
repaint the locomotive

will you come and
identify me

[Hawkman]

Hi there, Haunted. I see you have decided to honour your avatar with a suitable post! One hopes that getting it in print, albeit virtual print, will be sufficient to exorcise such dark thoughts! However it's a nice little poem although the repetition of time in S1 in successive lines is a slight weakness. I'd recommend:

"the grand wall clock
actually has the right time
but I'm biding mine
in the waiting room"

I must remember to bring my DNA testing kit :sad:

[Haunted]

Great constructive comment Hawk. I noted myself "time" was repeated in consecutive lines which is a big no no in my poetry writing policy but didn't think hard enough for an alternative. Thanks for the fix.

You and b/v put me to shame with your respective rail poems. Both have helped inspire me. Kudos!

[hillwalker]

Of course, glamming up for suicide adds yet another surreal dimension to the current crop of rail-related tragedies.

One request for Christmas. Could you use a slightly larger font size so I don't have to dig out my Sherlock Holmes magnifying glass to study your little gems?

H :-)

[blank|verse]

Maybe we should all publish an anthology? What about 'Between the Lines' as a title? :)

Anyway, I thought the power of this poem comes from the tension between the narrator's matter-of-fact tone, and the suggestion of her actions.

I didn't see the original, but found 'actually' (line 2) a bit distracting. I presume the suggestion is that clocks in train stations are often wrong, but found the inclusion of a disjunct (an adverbial used to comment on what is being discussed) introduces an opinion about the clock, where perhaps a more straight-forward description or subtle figurative image would work better. I'm reminded of Charles Simic's 'The Clocks of the Dead' (http://www.poetryarchive.org/poetryarchive/singlePoem.do?poemId=5561):

One night I went to keep the clock company.
It had a loud tick after midnight
As if it were uncommonly afraid.
Similarly in the line: 'who will wait till I’m really ready', I'm not sure if you need 'really'. With it, I found I skimmed the first five words, and placed heavy stress on 'really'; without it would give a more measured two-stress line: 'who will wait till I’m ready' which seems a more apt rhythm... although perhaps loses something of the narrator's idiolect.

Anyway, just some thoughts, and thanks for your comments about my own railway poem.

[Haunted]

Hill, thanks for the read and yes, you will have your Christmas wish ;)

b/v, it sure would make an awesome volume especially with the very clever 'Between the Lines' title, LOL. I vaguely remember JerryB wrote a train poem too, quite remarkable if I recall.

Those lines from Charles Simic are just great. Clocks in public places are either broken or have the wrong time so yes, it is a pet peeve of mine, which doesn't have to be in the poem. I put "really" in there because it's a trip of no return, so to speak, and one really has to be ready for it. Without it, it becomes more matter-of-fact which is the overall tone. I'll have to sleep on this one.

Actually I have you to thank because your Trainspotters and replies to my comments, along with Hawk's Exit, reminded me I'm long overdue for a train poem.

[Bar22do]

oh my god, what's happening over here! yet another conspiracy! haunted, perhaps it's time to choose a new avatar (a figure lying in the grass, a Lolita kind or so?)
thanks for sharing anyway! I'd prefer the poem ended at "locomotive" (a stronger ending).

take a very good care of yourself (and of N!)!

Bar

[Haunted]

No conspiracy, no worries. I agree it can end with locomotive but it might be a bit too subtle. Also there's a tremendous sense of pathos in identifying the mangled body of someone you know..... Thanks for weighing in Bar, and also for looking out for N.

[Jerrybaldy]

Ahhh. My favourite Haunted poem since about, oh I dont know... 1948? suicide and glamour? whats not to love? Its right down my dark street and I loved it dear haunted.

[Haunted]

Oh the L word again JerryCharmy. 63 years in the making, for your reading pleasure my fave reader.

[Haunted]

downsize


it’s rotten to watch
the gallon of milk
long expired and soured
draining down
an unforgiving dark hole

even more rotten
is the scenario
swirling in my head

in some cold isolated dairy aisle
I’m reaching for a quart of milk
same time as a stranger
and the static electricity I feel
is the shock that I once knew this hand

but all I can choke up is
’cuse me

[Hawkman]

I think we've all felt that dread at the anticipation of bumping into someone we don't really want to meet. This is nicely crafted Haunted, but watch for the tense change from present to past in those last three lines. You might want to add an is at the beginning of S3 L5.

A good read.

Live and be well - H

[hillwalker]

A strange and subtle one this - we're left pondering is the 'stranger' really a stranger, or is there some shared history. Now estranged they both go through the same motions of emptying the fridge then stocking up again on fresh milk (but this time by the quart rather than the gallon).

H

[Haunted]

Hawk, it's indeed dreadful! Thanks again for alleviating my tense-ion :D

Hill, wow, you are good! Once again your interpretation is right on. I was concerned that it might be too subtle. To expand the drain imagery I revised S2. In case it's too obscure for anyone...wind/liquid moves counterclockwise in the Northern Hemisphere—where this writer lives.

[Hawkman]

Actually Haunted the coriolis effect is a myth. The deciding factor of which way the liquid drains is all to do with diameter of pipe, angle of fall and imperfections in manufacture. Sad but true :D You still need to replace was with is in the penultimate line and I fear that your modification of the whirling may have disrupted the rhythm of the piece.

Live long and prosper - H

[Haunted]

Hawk you're right about breaking the rhythm, I tossed "counterclockwise" but not because it's a myth :p I didn't even see "was", it's now fixed. Thanks again!

[Jack of Hearts]

You picked up on such a subtle experience that this reader has personally felt many times but would never think to write about. You're pretty much a rockstar, Queen Jane.


an unforgiving dark hole

This reader felt that the word 'unforgiving' was out of place here.

A small nitpick in what was definitely a good poem.







J

[Haunted]

Jack, I'm pleased that you can relate. Actually that wasn't the poem. The one I started writing was "unforgiving" with apathy being the most rotten thing I feel, and the poem that should have been written is as follows.






downsize


it’s rotten to watch
the gallon of milk
long expired and soured
draining down
an unforgiving dark hole

even more rotten
is your face fading
with the murky runoff
and the scenario
swirling in my head

that on some distant cold night
down an even colder dairy aisle
we happen to bump
face to face
hand over hand
reaching for the same
quart of milk
and all I see is a stranger
and all I have to say to you is
’cuse me

[Haunted]

gingerbread house


as he bakes
he holds my hand

while we wait
we nibble each other’s nosetips

when the winter moon rises
he tears the bread
into golden sheen tiles
and builds around and over
until I’m enclosed
in the warmest homestead

then we fall
on the flavored floor
sweet cravings
almost unbearable

[Hawkman]

So! Haunted has a pet baker! - lol

I feel there is a slight problem in S2 L2. Ending the line with on stops the thought dead, creates an unnatural pause before the succeeding line. I'm not sure you actually need the on at all, and I wonder if the line wouldn't be better as, "We nibble each other's nosetips"

The middle line of S3 baffles me a bit. It is unclear whether you are personifying the moon, or the he refers to the aforementioned baker. What is he actually building? I don't particularly like engirdled, not that it's "wrong" as such, but it makes me think of ladies undergarments, though maybe that's just a personal fixation - LOL.

I like the idea behind this poem though, it is atmospheric and sensual.

Live and be well - H

[hillwalker]

I'd prefer 'engulfed' to 'engirdled' since one assumes the lover is slowly absorbing the narrator with his warm, biscuit-scented body rather than encasing her in a set of ladies' undergarments.

And yes, it's a difficult metaphor to keep hold of right the way through but one is left in no doubt by the end that this pair are indeed "cookin'".

H

[Bar22do]

this is so immediately sensuous, haunted! I agree with hill about "engulfed", the rest is sheer pleasure to read! bravo! from bar

[Haunted]

Thanks all for your input!

I wish Hawk, LOL. I don't consume much baked goods because of carbs, but Scottish butter shortbread and Italian bread are staple in my pantry. I agree about losing "on" after nibble. Also rewriting the "engirdle" lines to make it clearer. Glad you still find it enjoyable.

Hill, "engirdled" is tossed. I changed it quite a bit. "Engulfed" makes me think of "engulfed in fire" so I picked a more neutral word, "enclosed". Yes, it is a very difficult metaphor, why did I even attempt it! I had this scenario of someone making me a gingerbread house and I'll live inside it. Silly isn't it. But it's Christmas, anything goes. Hope you liked the cookin'.

Thanks Bar, your comment is equally pleasurable to read!