A Short Collection of Trashy Poems

[Hawkman]

Yes that's a big improvement but I'm not sure if you need "in the warmest homestead". I feel it slightly over-extends the strophe and spoils the transition to the last. You're almost there I think ;)

Live and be well - H

[Haunted]

Good suggestion Hawk, I wondered that myself but left it in, otherwise it might mistakenly cause people to think the narrator is being covered in bread, rather than put inside a house. That would have to be a different poem, LOL.

[blank|verse]

Sweet, sensual and playful, haunted, very nice.

I'm not keen on the alliteration-overload of 'we fall | on the flavorful floor', and I wonder if the analogy breaks down here, as if a gingerbread wo/man were to fall to the floor, it would smash into pieces. That aside, it's wonderfully imaginative.

[Haunted]

Thank you so much for your kind words, b/v. I know what you mean about the alliteration-overload, it's a bit much but I tried a few words and "flavor" is the word of choice that goes best contextually. I eliminated the internal alliteration by changing "flavorful" to "flavored", so now it's 25% less flavorful. I'm really pleased that you enjoyed it overall.

[Jerrybaldy]

Romance must be in the air having come from Delta's Ferris Wheel to Haunted's Gingerbread house. Sweet indeed Haunted, not a haunted house :) but a smart sexy romantic eatery. Good fun.

[Haunted]

Aw thanks Jerry. Maybe someday they'll make a Gingerbread Ferris Wheel :)

[Haunted]

Christmas 2011


the ice sculpture of a reindeer
came from a distant factory
that molded it in clear resin

the berry wreath sends forth
a whiff of new red plastic

behind the firescreen
electric logs flicker
flames set on medium

for warmth there’s the mink throw
made of 100% acrylic
dyed to arctic white

I wait up watching a live show
a petite ballerina glides
over the shiny wood floor
inside the music box

he promised
to be back for Christmas...



another silent night


all is calm



all is fake

[Hawkman]

Hi Haunted. A catalogue of illusion surrounding the festive season. The lonliness of disappointment and broken promises handled subtly. Not sure about the use of "trusty" though, it undermines the point you are trying to make and I'd be inclined to shift:

"he'd promised to be back for Christmas
in his replica bomber jacket"

to the slot before, "another silent night" so that the unnamed other's failure to appear fits more coherently in the narrative - also change he to he'd - tenses again - and lose the second he'd in favour of "to"

Live and be well - H

[hillwalker]

You've covered so much territory with this one yet deep down it carries a simple message.
I agree with Hawk re 'trusty' because that's the one thing 'he' isn't.

My only quibble would be the opening verse - I'm not particularly keen on 'the deer ice sculpture'. It sounds rather awkward.
Something along the lines of

A reindeer
sculpted from ice
resin molded in some distant factory ??

At least your fellow LitNetters are the real thing.
Best wishes

H

[Haunted]

Thanks both for your valuable perspectives, I mulled over it and revised accordingly.

Hawk, I see your point and switched the last two stanzas before the "silent night" ending, it's a good idea because now the payoff is at the end where it should be, and it didn't break up the narrative. Good call!

Hill, "trusty" was meant to be ironic, like everything is in appearance only. But since both you and Hawk have problem with it, it's a red flag so I tossed it and made it more transparent. Also rewrote the deer line.

"You've covered so much territory with this one yet deep down it carries a simple message." — Err, too simplistic?

I agree, my Litnet friends are diamonds and not a cubic zirconia as far as I can see.

Merry Christmas and happy holidays to all.

[Haunted]

papercut


it came from wrapping
your Christmas present

the first drop
was like a seed

then like crazy love
it grew

the reddest amaryllis
spreading wantonly
across a field of
the purest snow

[Hawkman]

Very good Haunted. The only suggestion I might make would be to change, "uninhibitedly" (something of a mouthful at 6 syllables) to "relentlessly", which would ease the flow of the stanza.

Live and be well - H

[Haunted]

Thanks Hawk. Good catch. I didnt even see it, six syllables, good Lord. Haunted is all about KISSing (keep[ing] it simple stupid, for non-Americans). Only short anglo saxon words here. I got one better, just 3 syllables ;)

[hillwalker]

This reads like the ultimate sacrifice to a loved one - a gift of intense feelings that can never be adequately reciprocated. One pictures unrequited love somewhere in the mix.

H

[Haunted]

Thanks Hill. One can only hope that it's at least acknowledged, if not fully appreciated and comprehended.

[AuntShecky]

Re: "Papercut"

Although brief, this little verse manages to blend both the joy and melancholy of this mystical and at times mystifying season. Good work.

PS Have the happiest of all New Years!

[Jerrybaldy]

A thing of beauty Haunted.

[Haunted]

Thank you so much Auntie for gracing this thread. I wish you the same, happiest of all happiest.

Jerry, so pleased that you enjoyed it.

[Haunted]

on the last day of the year


she sneaks in just as
I’m getting the kinks
out of my purple dreads

I know those eyes
shell-shocked by flashbacks
and disturbing dreams
weighing on the fragile frame
inside the pink babydoll dress

she’s welling up
no I won't let her
BIG GIRLS DON'T CRY

but I’m just a little girl

I hurl the hot curling iron
smack into the mirror
glass explodes

I pick up the longest shard
with all my might I thrust it
right in her chest

now I’m ready
for the New Year's party

[Hawkman]

I detect an element of Black Swan in this Haunted. But purple dreads! Oh dear... :D S2 is problematic as it reads awkwardly. Two one-line declarative statements at the beginning of the verse make it a bit of a jerky read. I'd be inclined to tweak it to allow the thoughts to flow a little more easily. I don't think I like "clearly she never got out" as this enire line could be replaced with the word, "trapped." I think the rest of it works pretty well.

Live and be well - H

[hillwalker]

Sounds like something Stephen King might have come up with during his 'Carrie' years.
Are we to assume the narrator and 'she' who never gets out are one and the same person (hence the mirror)? Creepy indeed.

H

[Haunted]

Hawk, purple dreads (gothic style) are cool, you should try it some time :D
I'll revisit that stanza but the line "clearly she never got out" (vs. "she's stuck") is to mean getting out of that dress as well as her mental state. But I'm pleased that you are pleased with the rest.

Hill, once again you nailed it, (why am I not surprised? :)) It's indeed one and the same person — the death is symbolic in order to start new as signified by a new year. But plot-wise the chance of "she" coming back from the dead is highly probable. How's that for creepy? However if the stabbing is as creepy as you imagined...you got me thinking of a softer ending....

[PrinceMyshkin]

I thought the transition from the "purple dreads" to the narrator's recollection of herself in her "little pink babydoll dress" beautifully pointed up the situation.

And, speaking of pink, check this out:

http://milford.patch.com/articles/some-girls-like-superheroes

[Haunted]

OK Hawk, S2 is edited for a smoother read. Hope you agree. BTW I never watched Black Swan and don't know anything about it.

Prince, glad you picked that up and the contrast worked. Cute video. Pink was indeed my favorite color, talk about predictable!

[Bar22do]

A happy New Year haunted!!!! and - what a poem. I mean so very powerful. Reading it aloud, I thought these two would benefit from more concision:

I hurl the hot curling iron
smack into the mirror
glass explodes
shards everywhere

I pick up the longest
and sharpest I can find
and thrust it in her chest

just an idea, please disregard if not to your liking:

I hurl the hot curling iron
smack into the mirror
glass explodes

I pick up the longest shard
thrust it in her chest

and now am ready
for the New Year's party

my very best as always, Bar

[Haunted]

Bar, thanks so much for your comment. Love your suggestion! I went back and made some modifications.

the very best to you too and have a wonderful New Year.

[Bar22do]

wow, now it's great! and I too am ready for the New Year, though not for a party, I'm afraid...! :Angel_anim: greetings! Bar

[Haunted]

I don't do New Year's parties either, it's so overrated. For a low key celebration, best wishes for you in the coming year Bar!

[Haunted]

hours on end


I would lie next to you even if
on a bed of brambles just to listen

there’s no music more beautiful
more addictive than your rhythmic snrrrrrrrr.....
hhhhhhh.....snrrrrrrrr.....hhhhhhh.....snrrrrrrrr. ....hhhhhhh.....snrrrrrrrr.....

[Bar22do]

That's a woman in love, I should say... for how else! ;) I'd suggest you use only one first "more" then the enumeration, but as always I might be wrong...

Best to you, haunted,

Bar

[Hawkman]

Nice idea Haunted and it's humour is a winner. But it is a bit overstated. too much snrrrrring. in the absence of punctuation I'd adjust the line breaks in the second part:

"there’s no music more beautiful
more addictive
than your rhythmic
snrrrrrrrr....."

Live and be well - H

[Haunted]

Indeed, Bar :) I agree about the redundancy. I went back and took out a few more things. As always a pleasure to read your comments.

Hawk, you've got my contracted style down pat, LOL. But this one is different. The onomatopoeia is the poem. The repetition is also meant to create a hypnotic effect and extend the rhythm. Thanks for weighing in and finding humor in this little piece of silliness.

[aliengirl]

Lol! I had the pleasure of reading your works for some time. They may or may not say much but they are unique. To make onomatopoeia the poem is singular. XO

[Haunted]

Aliengirl that's quite an astute observation. I do dig the most insignificant subject matters — the lowest denominators of life. Sometimes it's the smallest things that matter most.
And for your delightful comment, hugs from this haunted writer.

[aliengirl]

I don't know whether I'm really so good at observing but I'm pretty sure you are good at detecting smaller details. :)
This girl hugs you back. :grouphug:

[Delta40]

your hours on end could be read in a number of ways I'm sure Haunted. A genuine romantic - the sacrifices we are so willing to make and not even prepared to call them that anyway! Or the wonderful sarcasm you have put to use, underlying so well the hours on end themselves. I don't know. I'm still on my first cup of tea. Either way, those few lines brought a smile to my face Haunted.

[Jerrybaldy]

You would love me haunted. truely. I can hhhhh and snnrrrrr for hours.... but then I stop and scare the flying crap out of myself. I remember you referencing brambles a while back as an English expression you loved and glad to see it pop up here. I genuinely cannot decide if your poem is sarchasm or love .. but maybe thats the point, or not. Screwdriver! Clink! x

[Haunted]

Delta, glad it put you in a good mood :). I can see how the title Hours on End would lead you and Jerry into thinking it's sarcasm. But it's nothing close to a full-blown snore, as there are no vowels in either "snrrrrrrrr" or "hhhhhhh". So I'm afraid it's truly a stupidly-in-love poem.

Jerry, I'd sure love you but dunno about that boil...never mind :D clink x

[Haunted]

listener


the side of the face resting
on the moistened asphalt
bears imprints similar to
bumpy scar tissue

every few days
I turn over to the other side
so I won’t stiffen
into stone

still this is the best way
to detect distant sounds

like an imminent apocalypse
or your footsteps
coming back up the road

[Bar22do]

this is stunning, haunted from first to last word. a very powerful poem indeed! bravo! from Bar

[aliengirl]

Awesome! It seems as if written by someone living alone in a post-apocalyptic world. Very evocative. XOX

[Hawkman]

It's very good, Haunted. :) The opening is perhaps a little prosy, but it's very atmospheric and the internal narrative logic works well. The whole piece flows beautifully.

Live and be well - H

[Haunted]

Bar, that's so sweet and heartening, many thanks!

yes Aliengirl, something like that. Thanks for dropping in. oooo

Hawk, what can I say, I am poetically challenged. Anyhoo if you find it atmospheric and making sense, then I'm a happy camper.

[Delta40]

Listener

Wow Haunted, that's a short poem with a punch if ever I read one. I can even imagine the skin bubbling like the asphalt before popping then scarring....a dedicated listener. You captured the gravity of a place nobody ever wants themselves resorting to.

[Haunted]

Thanks so much Delta. Yeah, I'm attracted to places where few dare to go.

[PrinceMyshkin]

The revelation in the last three lines makes this even more stunning than the sufficently graphic preceding lines.

[Haunted]

Prince, thanks for your kind words, it's really reassuring.

[Jerrybaldy]

Loved it. Loved it. Loved it. Face down on asphalt for days??? That image has popped into my head regularly the last day or two since I read your masterpiece. The darkness of it, the hopelessness of the listener but most of all, that image that I cannot get out of my head. Stunning, as bar and Prince noted and I could not agree more. You should be very proud of this one. It is a Gem shining in the black asphalt x

[Haunted]

Jerry it's comments like yours that give me a purpose again...write another poem, or get up from the asphalt...... x

[Jerrybaldy]

Haunted. Now and again a poem a poem creates an image, no matter how unlikely, that just stays with you and hours later it comes back to your mind. You did this here and you should be proud. They dont come along every day. like 1948 this one lingers.

[Haunted]

Jerry, you have a few of those as well, particularly narratives from a child's point of view, the images stay with me. I'm truly moved by your comments. Means so much. x

[Haunted]

insulating the attic


under my feet
loose thin floor boards
seemingly stable
only to give and
play me for a fool

you said you’ll help but

the boards end abruptly
there’s no warning
no apologies
no goodbye

I fall between two beams
something is broken
I can feel it

the roll of insulation unravels
fiberglass looking as lovely
and innocuous as cotton candy
hits me like a barrel of lies

I have no protective gear
my eyes tear
asthma flames



I can't
breathe




not
on my own






it’s not an inhaler
that I need

[Hawkman]

This is a good one Haunted. The only thing I'd highlight as perhaps not quite right is is the description of the fibreglass.

"the roll of tight-lipped
cotton candy pink fiberglass"

Why tight-lipped? It's not as though we expect fibreglass to be loquatious, I'd be inclined to drop it. The rhythm of "cotton candy pink fibreglass" is awkward too. Pink cotton candy scans better. You could say:

"...fibreglass, cotton candy pink" but it wouldn't really fit with the fluidity of the rest of the narration. But do we actually need to know the colour of the fibreglass? is it relevent? I'd also query use of the definite article. We know you are in the loft, but we are not told why. as there has been no previous reference to the roll of fibreglass it might be better to refer to a roll, rather than the roll. lastly in the last line of this stanza there's a typo, an, which should be a.

to maintain the fuidity of the piece I'd word it like this:

"a roll of cotton-candy fibreglass
unravels and hits me
like a barrel of lies"

However, there is another obption in which you don't mention the fibreglass at all:

"a 20lb roll of pink cotton-candy
unravels and hits me
like a barrel of lies"

have a think about it.

Live and be well - H

[Bar22do]

insulating the attic


under my feet
loose thin floor boards
seemingly stable
only to give and
play me for a fool

you said you’ll help but

the boards end abruptly
there’s no warning
no apologies
no goodbye

I fall between two beams
something is broken
I feel it

the roll of tight-lipped
cotton candy pink fiberglass
unravels and hits me
like an barrel of lies

I have no protective gear
my asthma is taking over
my eyes burn and tear

I can’t breathe
not on my own

it’s not an inhaler
that I need



Your transposition of the relation to the attic in need of protection is genial, IMO. If I may suggest, I'd compress the second part to sth like (only an idea): /like a barrel of lies/ my asthma is taking over,/my eyes burn and I can't breathe/ not on my own/ it's not an inhaler/that I need

I'm shaken by the power of this poem which "looks" so casual at first, Haunted. A good one, for sure.

Thanks for the experience, Bar!

[Haunted]

Hawk, thanks for taking so much time!!! "Tight lipped" was meant to go with telling "lies", it also describes how tightly the material is rolled up. "Cotton candy pink" was meant to go with "white lies" but then I forgot about it and dropped the word "white" in the posted version. That's what happens when trying to do too much. I rewrote the stanza and altered a few other lines.

Bar, your depth in writing can be seen in your reads as well and I'm glad you picked up on the deceptive casualness. I changed the part you mentioned, thanks for pointing it out.

[aliengirl]

Perhaps I missed this one earlier and I think you've done some editing. Anyway, I like the way it ends... with line spaces after every two line as if the narrator is gasping for breath. It is such a good visual effect enhancing the meaning of your awesome poem. Thanks for the update haunted!

[PrinceMyshkin]

insulating the attic
I fall between two beams
something is broken
I can feel it
Yes, and I believe that we can feel it, too - and it isn't made of bone.






I can't
breathe




not
on my own






it’s not an inhaler
that I need


These make for such a visceral ending!

[Delta40]

I love the ending. It's like this top level is a deception, stifling us rather than enlightening us and the last few lines are powerful indeed.

[AuntShecky]

The cotton candy motif is apt-- that's just what fiberglass insulation looks like. But everything about this verse is good. The first version is superior, methinks, but go with what your gut tells you.

[Jerrybaldy]

Quite a metaphor Haunted!! You are never more careful where you tread so of course it works. can only but guess how this formed in your mind.

[Haunted]

Aliengirl, thanks, I edited it more since then, it seems that I just can't get it right. Installing insulation is hard work, you know...hmm

Prince, I was agonizing over whether "broken" is enough of a hint, or whether the whole conceit worked at all, so thanks for your reassuring comment! I'm also very pleased you got the effect of the new ending.

Delta, I always find it touching that others can experience exactly what I'm trying to say, I enjoyed your comment.

Auntie, I take every comment seriously, especially yours, which is most kind. Yeeea I did overwrite the revise, didn't I? I cut it back again. Thanks for your big vote of confidence!

Jerry, I wonder the same of you, how you think up the things that you think up. I guess treading dangerously isn't such a bad thing if we can get some solid poetry out of it. Cheers.

Thank you all for the read, really really really much appreciated!!!

[Hawkman]

Hi Haunted. I've just read the new edit and the problem verse is now almost perfect. There is a slight niggle in the last line of it though, "exposing shrapnels of lies."

Henry Shrapnel was a British artillery officer who developed an anti-personnel artillery shell in the 19th century. The word has come to describe the fragments of an exploded shell, so in context, it is a collective noun and consequently doesn't need an s. As a result, the last line isn't particularly grammatical. Better to say: "exploding shrapnel lies." this gives you a double meaning in exploding, a word which fits with shrapnel better and also has a sub meaning of exposing a lie for what it is.

I'm afraid that I really don't like those excessive gaps between the last few stanzas though.

Live and be well - H

[Haunted]

Hi Haunted. I've just read the new edit and the problem verse is now almost perfect. There is a slight niggle in the last line of it though, "exposing shrapnels of lies."

Henry Shrapnel was a British artillery officer who developed an anti-personnel artillery shell in the 19th century. The word has come to describe the fragments of an exploded shell, so in context, it is a collective noun and consequently doesn't need an s. As a result, the last line isn't particularly grammatical. Better to say: "exploding shrapnel lies." this gives you a double meaning in exploding, a word which fits with shrapnel better and also has a sub meaning of exposing a lie for what it is.

wow I didn't know the history behind the word shrapnel. Perhaps it deserves it's own poem. Now that you pointed it out I realized it's yet another metaphor, it just feels busy. I made a wrong call, it's coming out!


I'm afraid that I really don't like those excessive gaps between the last few stanzas though.


No? auhh, I'm sure it'll grow on you.......:wink5:

[Haunted]

departing JFK


30,000 feet up
we can't be summoned
back to earth

ceremonially
we unbuckle

we flip up all four armrests
of the unoccupied five seat row
and descend

smooth gives way
to turbulence
visibility almost zero
I can't see beyond my arms
arched over your shoulders
bumps intensify
before long we seek refuge
in the bathroom
panting

all this and the plane
hasn't even taken off

[Hawkman]

Sounds like the N gets turned on by aeroplanes, like Awsome Wells' secretary in 1941 :D Very convenient that the plane seemed to be empty ;)

Live and be well - H

[Haunted]

Who's Awsome Well, secretary et al? I know, I can wiki it but a Litnetter's I'd storytelling trumps those cut and dry html pages.

You raised a good point Hawk about airliners being empty. That's just not believable.Years back there were flights with very few passengers but that probably contributed to their bankruptcy. Now they sardine as many people in. It also bugged me when I was writing this and pre-post versions had a few lines about clouds and zero visibility to suggest why they didn't see anyone. I guess I should write that back in, as well as changing "empty" to "unoccupied". I also dropped the destination of busy LA from the title so it can be any obscure place in the world. But just a little tidbit, if you pick a seat way in the back, there are moments where that part of the cabin has just a small handful of passengers, they are stuck behind front row boarders with their enormous carry-ons and reach the seats in the back much later. So flying Economy has its advantages. First Class / Business Class are right at the entrance, those rich folks have to suffer the long parade of lowly Economy Cass people. But they do get to get off first.

oh many thanks for your sharpness btw, I got carried away. I think the revise adds more credibilty to the piece now, your comment sure helped.

[Hawkman]

Hi Haunt. I think that wikiing, 'Awsome Wells' probably wouldn't do you much good - lol. I was punning on Orson Wells' name. But actually I made a mistake, I was confusing his role in Catch 22, where he played a pyscopathic general who had a voluptuous secretary. I can't remember exactly what her status was in the film, but in 1941 there was a dishy WAC who was an iceburg, though she was an iceberg only until she got near a plane. Planes turned her on.

I think the problem with your poem is that you seem to be getting to the nitty gritty right out in the open in the middle of the cabin. This stretches the suspension of disbelief a bit. If the 'turbulence' occurred while the narrator and their partner were in the bathroom it would make a bit more sense.

Live and be well - H

[Delta40]

I really liked it and was slow off the mark to read it other than an every day domestic flight till I got to the end and thought 'woa! I've missed something here' So re-reading it and clicking to the real meaning was a pleasure (and a sign that I definitely need to get out more...) Great piece Haunted and always a joy to read you.

[Haunted]

Yes, they are already flying high, in their heads anyway. The pleasure is mine to be graced by your insightful comments Delta.

[Bar22do]

Haunted, in a plane! I myself never flew in one that has five seats rows - that certainly do expand one's imagination, especially if one's traveling in the right company!!! :smile5: Good to read you always!! Best to you, talented Haunted!

Bar

[Haunted]

Always so nice to get your feedback Bar, your comment brightens up my day. Thanks!

There are planes with 2/5/2 seating so if you pick the center row and no one else sits there, you can stretch out and sleep. Also if you get the right and left rows which just have 2 seats, it's great for traveling with a companion, more private. Downside is you can't stretch out. There are also 3/3/3 seating, not so good for hogging and sleeping but much better for "inside" people getting out as they don't have to tramble on so many people :D

[Haunted]

stranded in a nor’easter


as if hypothermia
would take too long
the 50-mile gust wind
fills the slack
shooting off ice pellets
across the dim and
deserted mall parking lot

my face burns
before it goes numb

that's the cost
of closure

at least I got a refund
returning your present

the glass doors at Macy’s
slam open close open close
until they smash

I hold on to the shopping bag
as empty as the house
I'm going back to

[AuntShecky]

Bravo for this last one! ^^^^ The last two stanzas are especially effective,
but I loved all of it.


Just returned from a short outing with my bitter half and the icy wind was actually painful. It's supposedly thirty-seven degrees, but the wind chill makes it seem like we're in Antarctica. (If it's like this in February, what are the notorious March winds going to be like? Still very little snow, though. I guess that's good, except for the ski resorts.)

[Bar22do]

would you believe? just returned from a meeting here where the holy city's gusts of wind lashed my whole body and got me frozen to the marrow! my face burned before it got numbed... you can't escape the cold wherever you are!
however, to read your "cold" poetry (under a warm quilt at the time like this!) is always heart warming while this poems tears it too, alas... but perhaps there is hope for N, for nature abhors emptiness and fills it as soon as it can!

keep warm, dear Haunted, ah, and the introductory lines to your poem are especially classy:

"as if hypothermia
would take too long..."

bravo!

from Bar

[Hawkman]

Hi Haunted,

a powerful, if chilly, image, but this line in S1 reads oddly to my Anglicised ear:

"the 50-mile gust wind
fills the slack"

To me it reads that the gust is 50 miles long as one would have expected to see "an hour" after, 'mile'. This would have made the line rather ungainly though. Is this a standard way of indicating wind speed on your side of the pond? You don't really need the word, 'wind' as gust is sufficient, and I would have gone for 'knot' rather than mile, as a knot, in context, is a measurment of speed. Also, slack is not so much filled as "taken up," but is slack the right word? Slack what? A slack sail could be filled by wind, I suppose, but hyopothermia is the subject of the sentence.

try:

"a fifty-knot gust
adds some chill"

In case you were wondering, I like the poem though - ;)

Live and be well - H

[Jerrybaldy]

A joy to read. I could go on, but a joy to read should capture it. You were always good. You got even better.

[Haunted]

There must be a nor'easter in cyberspace, I typed up a long reply and as if a gust of wind just blew it off my screen, poof, it was gone. Gone! arrrrhhh. So I apologized for a delayed thank you to everyone.

All the planets must have lined up that day, what are the odds that Auntie, Bar and Haunted all bowed to the same force of nature?

Auntie, exactly! Was trying to capture how painful it was, with the icy wind and sleet beating on the skin. It must be downright excruciating Upstate. But no snow is good where you are. We didn't' get much of anything here this year either. They said it's the jet stream. Usually they blame it on the poor guy El Nino. Now I'm rambling. Thanks for your kind words!!

Bar, just when I thought Jerusalem is all milk and honey! I hope you got out of the wind, especially if it carries sand. It must be cozy to be under the quilt afterwards. Yes, it will/would get better, because the emptiness is of the "house", not "life". Thanks for "tolerating" the cold in the poem in your sweet ways!

Hawk, I know, I wrote "gust" and somehow "wind" got added to it, don't ask me how!! I abbreviate things when I talk, I usually just say "50 mile wind", I assume everyone knows it's calculated as per hour. Anyway I do like the way it reads to you, a 50 mile long wind. I actually like that interpretation, can I keep it? Oh, keep that Anglicised ear open, I know I'll need help again. Glad you still find things to like in the poem.

Jerry, more joy to me to read your comments. I treasure every one of them. x

[Haunted]

mirage



the heat was
a hologram
I could touch

in the distance
the lanes were shiny
like it just rained

and there you were
far up the road
wavy quivery
in the midday air

I raced to catch up with you
but no matter how fast I drove
you stayed distant

this can't be real

I stopped
swung the door open
doubled over
and retched
until there was nothing
left of me

[Hawkman]

I like this Haunt. The only suggestion I might make, would be to cut S3. Everything else about the poem is observational narrative, whereas this stanza is a speculative digression which doesn't really add much. For me it slows the poem down and dissipates its punch. The poem's ok as it is, but I feel it would be better without.

One thing though, there is a tense change in the penultimate single line stanza. everything else is in past tense but this one is present tense. I don't necessarily think this is a problem though. It is in the last stanza though, there's is a contraction for 'there is' and as this stanza has jumped back into past tense it should be, "there was."

to be honest I think the best fix would be to keep in present tense in the last stanza, altering its beginning to:

I stop
get out
double over
and retch
until there's nothing
left of me

Live and be well - H

[Haunted]

Hawk, good call. I totally agree about S3. I took that out and instead elaborated on the mirage.

I'm always tense-challenged! I was aware of the single line, it's meant to be a thought of that moment. I could have ital'd it but... The last stanza is now all in past tense. Thanks for your help!

[Bar22do]

As often with your writing, this poem to has moved me and stopped my breath.
Just a thought, perhaps you could consider compacting S3 and 4, something like:

you seemed
quivery in the midday air,
distant,
no matter how fast I drove

I'd cut "this can't be real", too, I feel it somehow in the way. However, minor remarks aside, this is a heart tearing poem.

Thank you for sharing your art and its deep realities, dear Haunted.

[Jerrybaldy]

Stunning.

[AuntShecky]

This one has three remarkable features:

--those short, A. R. Ammons-style lines and the tight little stanzas ("strophes")

--accomplishes something it's very hard for a writer to do and that's extend the metaphor throughout the whole poem. From beginning to end, it never loses sight of its central motif, the mirage.

-- the word choices--"wavy, quivery" very expressive. Shows that even poems with sad themes can exhibit wit.

Splendid job.

Yr envious auntie
"A louse in the locks of literature."

[Haunted]

Bar, I'm glad you feel the effects of this poem. I like your suggestion, it does read well. Because of the ending, I'll keep the narrative progression. As for that single line, I too find it a bit redundant. But the poem needs something to slow it down and the exclamatory emphasis seems ok. Thank you so much for your and sweet and thoughtful comment!


Jerry, so kind. Cheers.


Dear Aunt, I was really delighted by your encouraging words. Yes I try to be disciplined, so many thanks for validating that. As always your time in reading and commenting means a lot to me.

[Delta40]

I especially like the word quivery Haunted and the effect of the mirage on after a rainy downpour on a hot day.

[Haunted]

Thanks Delta, I was trying real hard to describe a mirage. So pleased it works for you!

[Haunted]

need professional help


I don't want to impose
but the screen won't
fit back into the window
after a very bad winter

there's a slow gas leak
I know it because
my head was just
inside the oven

I would open the window
but I need the screen
to keep the flesh flies out

if you don't mind
it's leaning over there
please watch your step
around the carrion

he is still my child

[Hawkman]

That's pretty bleak Haunted, but the last line's a killer. I would be inclined to change "dosen't" for "Won't" in S1, It's not essential but I think it would read better. I'd also drop a "very" from the fourth line. the emphasis of the repetition is at odds with the air of detachment which flavours the rest of the poem. I think I'd be inclined to put a stanza break after the gas leek line, and also after "carrion" in S4, to give it more punch.

S3: "Some" doesn't work here. Replace it with the: changing windows to window won't work because you've only asked the other to replace one screen. In S4 you don't need to mention the screen again, "it's" is quite sufficient. Good poem.

Live and be well - H

[aliengirl]

The last line is indeed a knockout. Short line length adds to the air of detachment you've so successfully evoked. And talking of success, when don't you succeed in writing a poem in your own unique way? Love you, love your works. X

P.S.- The head in the oven is reminiscent of Sylvia Plath.

[Haunted]

Hawk, as always thanks for your keen eye and kind words. I totally missed the redundancy of "screen" in S4, there was a stanza before it that I took out but forgot to proof it again afterwards, it was a difficult poem to write, even harder to read back. Thanks for helping and appreciating.

AG, you and your beautiful words, such rarity. Stay the lovely self that you are. Love you too. xoxo

[DieterM]

I'm still stunned and almost wordless. You created a whole, bleak, hopeless world out of so few & simple words! Great poem that moved me no end…

[Bar22do]

Are you reading Plath? but no, it's so much you, Haunted, your poetry is that ongoing Scream Munch's brush has released long ago. A very good, powerful poem indeed, hugs from me.

[Haunted]

Dieter, even when it's minimalist, there are moments I wondered if I overwrote, so thanks for your comment!

Bar, no Plath, just coincidence. Much appreciated your comment, makes it all worthwhile. Hugs back.

[Haunted]

homecoming


the heels would have
caused echoes like crazy
so I left them out
at the stone cold entry

I pretend it isn't
broken porcelain
and I wasn't stepping
in my own blood
from cuts I can't feel

against my own will
I look around and round
but I know exactly
where to find you

I thought you might
reach out and
stroke my cheek
through the glass
of the photo frame

[Bar22do]

You are back, Dear Haunted! this is great, welcome back!

Your poem, your very self.... poignant as yours are so often, delicately allusive, containing worlds of sorrow, the emptiness...

The last stanza is a great close of the suspense the previous have built.

Powerful, minimalistic work, Haunted, I read it several times and will return.

Stay here for a while, please.

[hillwalker]

Worth coming back for. I can say no more.

H

[Jerrybaldy]

FINALLY. Even Hill (the recluse on behalf of his unsightly knees and justified despise of certain contributors) welcomed you back. I will second Hills comment. It is always a wise move. This place is better for your prescence and your writing.

[Haunted]

Bar, always so sweet, I'm really moved!

OMG Hill you are back! So good to hear from you, you had no idea!!!

Jerrrrrr!!!!

Oh really good to be back, but not without you guys!!!

[zoolane]

homecoming


the heels would have
caused echoes like crazy
so I left them out
at the stone cold entry

I pretend it isn't
broken porcelain
and I wasn't stepping
on my own blood
from cuts I can't feel

against my own will
I look around and round
but I know exactly
where to find you

I thought you might
reach out and
stroke my cheek
through the glass
of the photo frame


The poem is very poignant obvious about mother loss of child, have them in the sitting room and longs to be with that child, and also moment of reality hit hard at end.

[Lykren]

"I thought you might
reach out and
stroke my cheek
through the glass
of the photo frame."

Wow. Stunning. An elegant idea, so simply yet effectively put.

[Haunted]

Zoo, thanks so much for your thoughtful comment!

Lykren, I'm so glad this part works particularly well for you. Thanks for commenting!

[Haunted]

what have you done


at my feet
crushed cranberries

the flesh no more
than a pile of pulp

it's only ten ounces
but it weighs

and now it is
fast deliquescing
like decomp

I clutch my chest
as I sink on my knees

I sweep it up
with bare hands

but the dark sticky liquid
drips right through my fingers

my heart
oh my heart

[Hawkman]

Hello Haunted. Nice to see you around. Homecoming only has one flaw:

"...so I left them out
at the stone cold entry"

Entry should be "entrance" (as in doorway, not rapture :D) Entry is a noun but it is the act of entering not the entrance itself.

Apart from this minor glitch it's a very good, evocative poem.

"what have you done"

Great word choices. "Deliquescing," really juicy! Very expressive and a good read. Much enjoyed.

Live and be well - H

[hillwalker]

Subtle, sad and understated as always.

I particularly liked this reverse statement:

it's only ten ounces
but it weighs

H

[Jerrybaldy]

It has a dark, dark beauty haunted. A miscarriage? Or the remains of your heart?

[Haunted]

Hawk, great to see you here too! Depending on which side of the pond you are on, "entry" is correct. Over here it means "a place of entrance, such as a door or lobby" (Oxford American Dictionary). Same definition, just different wording, from Merriam Webster. It's actually a term I picked up from poring over architectural floor plans. In the poem I pictured a foyer. I'm heeding your comment and I dont' want confusion, but in this case I'm sticking to "entry" because the "n" sound in "entrance" is a tad too heavy and nasal for the line.

As for your "what have you done" comment, your brand of dark humor carries over and despite the subject matter it brought me a chuckle!

Hill, I said that before and I'll say it again, it's such a blessing that you are back and commenting, your comments are valuable in pointing me in the right direction. Don't go anywhere!

Jerry, it's the latter *sniffles* I need a screwdriver right about now ;)

[Bar22do]

I returned to 'homecoming' and had that poignant feeling in my heart again; now 'what have you done' stands here before me, this outstanding metaphor, the rhythm, the lament, contained... you are such a genuine poetess, Haunted. It's a privilege, en enriching experience and more... to read you again and again.

[Jack of Hearts]

What fine touch this displays. You've shown us more than a few inspired moments.







J

[Jerrybaldy]

:auto: taa daah! (arrives with screwdriver) :party:

[Haunted]

Jerry to the rescue! x

Bar, you are so kind, so sweet. You have such depth as a reader and an accomplished poet yourself.

Jack, means a lot to me, thanks

[Haunted]

one story



I know these stairs
to second floor bedrooms
up and down so million times
that I can tell the risers
have gotten taller

after two steps up
joint pain radiates like fire
burning from the roots
of a family tree
I grab the bannisters
the only bona fide support system

at the half landing
I catch a deep breath
at this altitude the air is thinner
lightheadedness adds
to the confusion

my hand slips off the iced up railing
I continue the climb slowly
on both hands

after an hour
I reach the top
and collapse

face resting on the ground
I have a panoramic view
of nothing

I run my chapped fingertips
over the arctic white carpet
feeling for remnants

there must be a hair somewhere
to suggest that he isn't gone

[Hawkman]

Hi Haunt. A good strong poem here, but I'd query S1 L5: The only thing the it can refer to in context is the thought and this would appear to be that the risers are taller. but the poem is in present tense and the thought occurs today, so it kind of contradicts itself and doesn't really make sense. To be honest you don't really need this line.

The other line I'd query is, "the only bona fide support system." it's a bit of a lonely comment amid all the excellent description. Where the rest of the poem shows, this tells. I guess you could either cut the line and combine the first line of the next stanza with "I grab the banisters" to make a discrete stanza, cut the line or replace it.

Apart from these two tiny issues its a good poem which takes us on a journey up the stairs and delivers its punchline on target. I like it.

Live and be well - H

[hillwalker]

Hawk is spot on with his disapproval of Line 5 - it brought me up short as well. What's the 'it'? The number of times you climbed the stairs presumably but it could be misinterpreted and is a distraction.

I'm also not so keen on 'definitely' in line 7. You're describing their physical properties but I feel it would be more effective if you stuck to showing us how they seem steeper as your footsteps falter... just my opinion.

I don't have such a problem with line 14 - it's foreshadowing what will follow; the narrator left in isolation inside her icy tower.

I could recommend another cut or two to tighten this but overall a very effective piece.

I particularly like the play on words within the title.

H

[Mojtaba-Iraqi]

I hope I'm not bothering you, but would you please explain its connotations to me?

[Haunted]

Thanks Hawk and Hill.

You both echo what was in my head when I was throwing this together, about L5. In fact I had a problem with both L4 and L5 (up down up down a million times / I don't think it anymore.) I'm losing both lines. It's just something of my anecdotal experience, I go up and down the stairs so many times, I do it automatically without thinking, the climbing up, and coming down. Until the day the climbing feels so much harder.

The line "the only bona fide support system" is one I actually like, Hawk. I know what you mean, it's a comment and might be out of place, but one can still inject a thought in a description of an event, and it goes with the destruction of the family tree, as family is still one of the greatest support system in our lives. Just now closed up the space and combined the two stanzas into one thought.

Hill I get what you mean about "definitely". There should be a better way, it's so not elegant and shows laziness, but think (and hope) the strain from going up the first two steps answers that. And yes, it's a bit wordy for my liking too, but opted to preserve the sentiments in this particular one, since it's autobiographical. Very pleased that you noticed the little play in the title.


MI, no bother at all, I really appreciated your interest in the piece. It's about losing a family member who lived in the same house. The persona dreads going upstairs to where she used to find him, knowing she won't find him there anymore. So climbing up the stairs becomes really grueling, psychosomatically, as though she is actually climbing a steep mountain, or even Mt. Everest, and succumbing to panic attacks along the way. Searching for a hair is a compulsive act as we treasure a lock of hair from loved ones, or fur clippings of a pet. Hope this makes sense to you, I welcome your feedback.

[Jerrybaldy]

The closing lines , I love good closing lines. You write the poetry I connect to. *clink*

[Mojtaba-Iraqi]

I have nothing to add but to express my admiration. That was a brilliant work. As mentioned by previous commenters, you beautifully brought the text into a successful end. I really enjoyed this pessimism in the text. Moreover, psychologically it is proved that a pessimist person tends to be more logical than an optimist. That's what made your poem distinct.

[Haunted]

Jerry you are a gem *clink*

MI, you are too kind, and thanks for gracing this thread!

Hill, I"m paring down some more, taking out the squeaking steps stanza. I can flesh that out and it can be a poem by itself. Here it seems to be getting in the way. Also tried to replace "definitely" but it became indefinitely worse! I'll see if I can fix it.....

[Bar22do]

one story



I know these stairs
from foyer to
second floor bedrooms
up and down million times
but today the risers
are definitely taller

after two steps up
joint pain radiates like fire
burning from the roots
of a family tree
I grab the bannisters
the only bona fide support system

at the split landing
I catch a deep breath
at this altitude the air is thinner
lightheadedness adds
to the confusion

my hand slips off the iced up railing
I continue the climb slowly
on both hands

after an hour
I reach the top
and collapse

face resting on the ground
I have a panoramic view
of everything
and nothing

I run my chapped fingertips
over the arctic white carpet
feeling for remnants

there must be a hair somewhere
to suggest that he isn't gone



The end here is poignant; you build the tension through the poem wonderfully, though I'd tend to join hill in his suggestion to pare down the poem here and there to make it even stronger. Always so rewarding to read you, Haunted! Thank you and am waiting for more...

[Haunted]

Bar, thanks for the valuable input. I know what else to cut, in addition to what I already clipped out, for a tighter construction, though I can't lose too much as I need a certain length for the built-up in order for the end to be effective. As always I enjoy your comments and critique and likewise, also on the lookout for your new work.

[zoolane]

Lovely poem not sure what else to say.

[Haunted]

thanks Zoo, short and sweet is you!

[firefangled]

You do leave me wanting more of this story

[Haunted]

Fire, it didn't even occur to me that it fell short of fleshing out the story leading up to the stair climbing, which, at least for me, is the story. So it's fair to question where's the story behind the story. It's an interesting thought that's worth some further exploring, so thanks for the feedback!

[Haunted]

clockwise


are you getting
goosebumps
I am tingling
with a billion
butterflies

for the few seconds
when your hand moves
so instinctually over mine
the sun and the moon
and the Halley's comet
stop in their tracks
and I melt

do you believe in eternity
will we have a future
what if you knew my past
would you still come around
in the next hour

or will we one day be stuck
at opposite ends
citing unreconcilable
differences


(previous)

timing


are you getting
goosebumps
I am tingling
with a billion
butterflies

for those seconds
when your hand moves
so instinctually
and unhesitatingly
over mine
the sun and the moon
and the Halley's Comet
stop in their tracks
and I melt
like the Dalí painting

do you believe in eternity
or is it just a concept
will we have a future
what if you learn my past
would you still come around
like clockwork

[DieterM]

Hi Haunted,
a bit surprised by the positive tone of the poem - no one dies, no one is left, no ghosts ;-) Positively surprised, do I have to point that out? Not that I don't love your other poems, but these just were THE lines I needed this morning. I just wonder whether the poem wouldn't have more impact if you left out the first stanza? The goosepumps and butterflies (I'm rather too fond of them, too, in my own writing) are not all that original, I know (and still use them *sigh*, always the romantic dude). Another minor quibble, it's not the Dali painting that melts, but precisely the clocks. "like Dali clocks" would give the ending away too soon, I'm aware of that; how about "and I melt like Dali hours"? Not the best of suggestions… Another little thing: why didn't you use "learned" in line4 of the 3rd stanza (which would fit better with the "would" in the following line)?

All in all, though, I really enjoyed this.

[Bar22do]

Haunted, what a change of perspective! It's a simple, quiet poem, but intense; the shy emotion awakes hesitations, but wants to (and allows) hope...

I agree with Dieter regarding "learnED" and Dali's melting clocks, plus would suggest that you find another image for melting, since Dali, if I'm not mistaken, alluded in those paintings to the time's decomposing effects while the melting of your poem's "I" is more of an opening to a (hopefully) building relation.

"Do you believe in eternity/or is it just a concept" - would deserve a discussion, as for me abstract ideas, the moment they're thought, become reality (the density of which may vary) and therefore "just" reads superfluous.

Just my little observations...

I enjoyed and thank you for your sharing this piece illumined with a soft light.

[hillwalker]

More optimistic than some of your material but still asking questions of what relationships signify.
The closing verse in my opinion suffers because of those first two lines but the rest of your poem is another gem.

It's about time yoy changed the self-deprecating title of your thread!

H

[Haunted]

Dieter, Bar and Hill — it's "positive" and "optimistic" only because I cut out the last stanza. Surprise!

Dieter, you're so funny. In my original version, someone did leave, but glad I left it out or else it would ruin your morning! I totally fudged up the poem though. I can see how the first stanza may sound cliche, but it would only be cliche if spoken by people. That thought actually came from an inanimate object, but when I was shortening the poem, some of the clues got lost. I couldn't say Dali clock because it is a clock! LOL. Couldn't give that away, although I'm doing it now. I have to put back some lines and re-post it. The "learn" is intentional and thought I could get away with it. oh well...

Bar, do I dare return to an earlier version that is less hopeful? I probably will, this is so unfinished! I'll fix the conditional, I get obsessive over word counts and letter counts... I hated that extra 2 characters, makes the line longer. I'm crazy like that.... About the Dali clock, it's commonly referred to as the "melting clock" and the original poem was about a "decomposing" relationship. The "eternity" lines is me moving into a "voice" poem, that was my genre. But the words didn't come out right and you are right in pointing them out.

Hill, I"ll see what I can do about those two lines, I like it but not the way it's written. Change the title of my thread? No!! What would I change it to, add a superlative perhaps, "A boring collection of the trashest poems". That's the direction it's heading these days, I have rocks in my head!

A big thanks to all, very constructive comments. I will post a revision.

[Bar22do]

Your "less hopeful" version, Haunted, resembles you better (I'm afraid). You're now going with your voice. Before, I did have an impression it wasn't exactly YOU (though for your personal life I wish you had simple love, sure and forever happy, ah).

I still have some problem with 'right here on the table/inside Dali's painting,' I may miss something, but would prefer S2 to end simply at "am melting."

Waiting for developments of this!

[hillwalker]

Like your second version - missed the metaphor completely in your first!

'the Halley's comet' should be 'Halley's comet' methinks.

H

[Jerrybaldy]

Great opening this time, Haunted and divoirce is the best of endings :) I love to read you.

[Haunted]

Bar, I certainly feel more comfortable with this version, I over-edited it the first time trying to put a positive spin but that turned disastrous. I don't like how that "painting" lines read either. I agree ending with "melt", it's a good place for a commercial break, so to speak. I put "clock" upfront into the title to take away the guesswork and strengthens the metaphor. Thanks for the close read and valuable input!

Hill, really glad you preferred this version, it's also my preference. The first version wasn't any good at all and your feedback about its clarity (or the lack of) is much appreciated.

Jerry, same here, fan of your work too and guess what, your "God at the Rise and Crown" inspired my next poem so stay tuned. I'd like to think of divorce as a new beginning *clink*

[Haunted]

how to heal a painful past


here I am on a cliff
in Los Alamos staring
at a wild bush of ancient hair
white, electrified
like a florescence of fiber optics
so brilliant my eye tears

I came a thousand miles
to hear it straight from him
the one and only timeless truth

"this is real"

I almost choke
I fall into his arms

he pops open a 1955 vintage
bottled just yesterday

"they exist at the same time
past, present, and future
like triplets of the universe"

so that's it
so simple
one quantum leap back
and I can be there again
to kiss it all better
the mother of all wounds

I'm ready to jump
he throws his goblet
down the gaping, echo-y canyon
as if to resonate

"pain is no different
than happiness

it's all relative"

[hillwalker]

Interesting exploration of reality or relativity - a Mexican Einstein.

May one politely ask 'What's a gobbler?'
I thought I'd ask before Jerry gave you the UK interpretation.

H

[Haunted]

Oh dear, it should be "goblet". I got it confused with "tumbler", cross contamination! I fear to hear what the UK interpretation, especially coming from Jerry ;) Fixed!

And the other thing — New Mexico is the state of New Mexico where Los Alamos National Laboratory situates. I didn't say Los Alamos because I thought it might be too obvious, but I totally forgot there are non US readers. I can't t think of anything inbetween so I"m going to swop it and see what others say. Thanks Hill for the feedback!

[hillwalker]

The term 'provider of oral services' explains one UK interpretation of 'gobbler'.

H

[AuntShecky]

Hi Haunted, sorry to say I've been lax in keeping up with the personal poetry forum because of all the time spent on the "Lyin' King" novella, still not done btw, but getting there. Anyway, I saw your thread and went back to read the ones from September to now--

Liked "What Have You Done" for the effective line breaks (arrangement on the page) and esp., as Hawkman pointed out, for the "juicy" verbs and imagery, albeit gory in a metaphorical way. Stairway poem really accessible, true to life, doesn't get bogged down with lots of metaphysics; same with "clockwise" -- despite the mechanical title,it's earthy and sensual like some of the stuff by Sharon Olds. I got the Los Alamos reference, but again, I'm glad you didn't hit us with a sledgehammer(or an "atomic flyswatter." It's not entirely historical accurate --Einstein's famous letter warned rather than advocated the development of atomic weapons, which physicists like Oppenheimer and Fermi worked on. Also,it's my understanding that the theory of quantum mechanics (and string theory later) was presented by physicists who were looking for an alternative to Einstein's explanation of the Universe. (I'm not a scientist, I don't even play one on TV, but that's where I get all my scientific info.) Still, the tangible imagery allows "travel log" accessibility -- the bottle of wine vintage 1955 (a decade after The Event) is cute; as a whole the piece is whimsical rather than polemic, refreshingly so, since the topic is usually treated with dead seriousness, but your piece cleverly avoids the earnestly-wrought clichés.

[Hawkman]

Hi Haunted, like this one rather a lot. My literal mind has a problem with "on a cliff in Los Alamos" because all I see is the flat desert. Maybe on the tower would be better? Corked is the wrong word to use, I think you mean bottled, because "corked" is a term for wine which has gone bad, having reacted with the cork. Consequently it doesn't quite make sense as worded. But these are minor quibbles. I like what the poem has to say and the ideas you're playing with, though why you have a thing for Einstein is a bit of a mystery :D refreshingly original.

Live and be well - H

[Bar22do]

The subtle complexity of this poem is breathtaking, Haunted. Its power imposes a deep reflection, the nucleus of which is humanity, around which circle so many deriving thoughts. You surpass yourself and - what a privilege to be in touch with your depths! Thanks a lot.

[Jerrybaldy]

God at the Rose and Crown inspired this? Well, it did some good :) You definitely outdid it :D

[Haunted]

Yikes Hill, that made it a turkey of a blunder!

Jerry, your God at the Rose and Crown indeed inspired this. I'll explain, this will also help answer some of the comments.

Lately I'm a bit obsessed with the concept of time, with the aspect that one can reach back to the past. (Yes, there are ways.) Someone pointed me to Einstein and according to him, the separation of the past, present and future is just an illusion.

So you are right, Auntie, the reference to Einstein has nothing to do with the atom bomb. Some said Einstein was never even in Los Alamos, but because of the Manhattan Project, I figured I'd use the association.

Los Alamos is symbolically useful: It is canyon country — no, Hawk, it's isn't flat, check this out (http://cnls.lanl.gov/molmot/local.html). It's just so perfect as a metaphor, where the persona is literally on a cliffhanger learning that she can go back in time, and also a nice high ground for a leap, as doing the whole quantum leap thing, and the actual jumping, just being in character ;)

Anyway I wanted to write about "time" and was thinking of a technique when suddenly, Jerry's poem, God at the Rose and Crown, popped into my head. I had previously commented on it and it's really an exceptional and memorable piece. Then it hit me Jerry, if you can talk to God, I can talk to Einstein! Thank you very much, you get full credit!

Hawk, I didn't know that definition of "corked', I just thought of it as corking the bottle. I originally wrote "bottled" but changed it because I needed to say "bottle" in the previous line. I'll have to come up with something else. I'm really glad you like it, it turned out not having the effect as I had planned, but I wouldn't know what to change.

Auntie, The "Lyin' King" novella sounds intriguing, good luck! I'm so appreciative that you'd take the time to read my old stuff, and really pleased that it pleased you! The "juicy" poem worked the way I intended, and I just barely got "clockwise" to work, phew!!! About being historically incorrect with the Einstein stuff here, there's so much I don't know, and it isn't exactly sinking in, as I'm just reading bits and pieces whenever I find time which is like never, so there isn't much for accuracy but more an exploration of time as well as an exercise of poetics.

Bar, thank you so much for your kind words, as always. It is a rather ambitious subject and I certainly didn't give it justice. The poem is coming up short, but knowing that you get the sense of it, its so very rewarding.

[Bar22do]

Your explanation, Haunted, was very instructive, because actually I read your poem from a slightly different perspective. But since there seems not to be conscience of time (linear or otherwise) except in man, I may still have grasped a hair of your reflection... Wonderful poem, Haunted. Thanks again.

[Haunted]

Ah. Bar you just gave me an idea. I am changing the title to something more transparent so the rest of the poem can be more readily understood. The original "travel log" refers to the travel to Los Alamos, and also the trip back to the past but it is obscured unless one gets what's going on in the poem, and apparently it isn't as easy to grasp as I had hoped. The poem doesn't scream "spacetime" and I really don't want it to, it's not the center of the poem. So, at the risk of hitting people over the head with it, I'm going to establish the subject right from the get go, this way, it would help in following the train of thought as the poem unfolds. New title coming up....

[firefangled]

Very good read. I got the feeling it was the receiving of the quantum 1 commandment E-mc2.

[Delta40]

so that's it
so simple
one quantum leap back
and I can be there again
to kiss it all better
the mother of all wounds

excellent writing Haunted.

[Haunted]

Thanks so much, Fire and Delta, it's reassuring and I really appreciated it after wrestling with it for so long.

[Hawkman]

Hi Haunt. Fair comment about Los Alamos and thanks for the link. We learn something new every day :D Generally a good edit. The only thing I'd quibble at is "as if to resonate" resonate what? given the context, "and it resonates" would make more sense here as it would then connect directly with the cup in the echoey canyon. Just a thought.

Live and be well - H

[Haunted]

Good catch Hawk, I was using "resonate" to mean the reverberations within the canyon, and also contextually in the sense of reaching an agreement that both pain and happiness are relative. Did I phrase it correctly, taking into consideration of both meanings? Maybe, "as if trying to resonate", or "in an attempt to resonate"... I don't know....have rocks in my head this morning, oh, its almost pm.

I can see how you would think Los Alamos was flat. The whole area is a semidesert and most people picture deserts as a flat piece of sand that stretches for miles, like the Sahara. Here, maybe certain parts of Nevada, I really don't know that area too well, just that I've driven through miles upon miles of flat desert from LA to Vegas. But Los Alamos is in New Mexico which the state just below Colorado which has some really great mountains for skiing and even hosted the Winter Olympics in Salt Lake City, and Los Alamos is part of that regional landscape. Maybe it's part of the Rockies? And while I was looking it up on the map, I spotted a place called Truth or Consequences south of Los Alamos. What a name. Imagine spinning a poem out of that destination....

[Haunted]

revealed


a friend found out
from another friend
who found out that heaven
is actually a few feet
above where we are standing

as I confide in him
I measure by eye
that heaven starts
roughly around his ribs
while he leans over
the slick quartz counter
and laces my virgin bloody mary
with a pinch of sin

[Hawkman]

Hi Haunt. Nice little poem but you've got a slight problem in the expression in S2. As written, it says that the slick quartz counter is lacing your Bloody Mary with sin. Easy fix: "and laces..." As this would flow from the preceding concept without incongruous ambiguity.

Nice wry humour in this piece with a little bite. Much enjoyed.

Live and be well - H

[hillwalker]

Nicely suggestive - though I'd expect the narrator's version of heaven to be a few inches below the ribs.

H

[Bar22do]

Walker's going down the hill! though I must confess I had the same thought, :) Haunted. Loved the wit of your poem!

[qimissung]

Love it, Haunted! You are the mistress of suggestion!

[Haunted]

Thanks Hawk, I didn't see that, I'll fix it. So glad you enjoyed it.

Hill, you have no idea how many different body parts I have auditioned, from buns to booties to Elvis pelvis :D. But I decided on ribs. It's not the most interesting, I admit, but it's got the biblical reference. And I didn't want to give it away so early and quite frankly, I couldn't come up with anything else half decent!

Bar, I figured you would. Thanks!

Thanks Qim, that made my day :)

[Jerrybaldy]

I nearly missed this one. Damn you, single thread! :D
I enjoyed your devilish side, Haunted ;) Those closing four lines are straight from hell. I love them.

[Haunted]

So glad you found this Jerry and thanks for your comment!

[Haunted]

* about to post a new half baked trashy poem, bumping this down to start on a new page *

[Haunted]

* again *

[Haunted]

* one more *

[Haunted]

Santa's list


nothin' crazy
just a camera

naturally the best possible
resolution on earth

one with the most pixels
to pick up the least palpable
that are their faces
and the peace
that has become their eyes

I would also like optical zoom
to pull them close

and infrared lenses
for that extra spectral clarity

and thermal imaging
to chart the orbs as they float
as elusive as sheer white oregano
while I sit in the dark room

waiting
wailing
waning

Santa, if you're real
f*cking bring them home for Christmas

[Hawkman]

Hi Haunt: There's a bit of a problem with S3:

"one with the most pixels
to pick up the least palpable
that are their faces"

there are acouple of things about the underlined which jar a bit. The declension in the third line here is not in agreement with line 2 and line 2 reads as incomplete. "Least palpable is a long way of saying impalpable, perfectly good word, but where you say "are their" afterwardes, you need to have something after the plapable word so that the specific of faces agrees with the expression. A word like 'traces' would do this.

not sure about most in the first line here either.

"one with enough pixels
to catch the impalpable traces
of their faces"

would probably be the most elegent way to say this.

S6 L3 you can drop the first "as" because you don't need it.

"waiting
wailing
waning"

I'm not sure about this verse, but I can see why you'd want it. However, it's impact would be improved by making "waiting" the last word. Wailing and waning are weak, with soft consonants, whereas "t" is a hard aggressive sound. it needs to be the one which ends the stanza, otherwise it comes over as weak. I'd use waning first and waiting last.

Lastly, given the title, To Santa, the penultimate line doesn't really agree with the idea of the letter to Santa. The title and body of the the text imply that Santa is being addressed directly, so, "if you're real" would make more sense in context.

Overalll though, the poem is very effective in conveying a sense of lonliness and loss, reaching out to the ephemeral and expressing greif.

Live and be well - H

[Bar22do]

Amazing, how you convey desperation and sorrow here. Newtown come to mind, of course. But not only. You surpass yourself in originality, Haunted. Thanks a lot for this one. And my warmest wishes for a magic Christmas and a blessed New Year to you and yours, as well as to our common linnet-friends! (I'm so little available these days, have moments to read a piece or two, here and there. Please forgive my hastily reactions!)

[qimissung]

"extra spectral clarity"-I like this line. It's a good poem, Haunted. I think Hawkman makes some good points, but on the whole, you get the point of love and loss and being extraneous to your loved ones across quite effectively.

I like your last line a lot, too. :D

[Haunted]

Hawk, "if you're real" works! I had been rewriting that line over and over, this sounds most direct. Regarding the 3 "least palpable" lines, I wasn't thinking of the word "impalpable" at all, just "least palpable, yes, seriously. There is something tangible about the paranormal. Grammar-wise, one might expect a noun after "least palpable", but I wrote it to be similar in construct to "the least obvious" which doesn't require a noun, it is the noun. I do like your version, it's smooth and certainly grammatical, but it lost something for me. I could grammarize it and rewrite it as "least palpable/as their faces" but for now I'll keep its original form, for even if it misses grammatically, it's punchier. Your comment on "waiting/wailing/waning" is spot on, with the soft consonants, but that is intentional — it's meant for a fading effect, as one becomes emotionally drained and reduced to nothing. All in all this is another piece that's been a challenge to write, and your attention to details is hugely appreciated!

Bar, I'm really glad you have had a moment to leave a comment, and being so supportive and sweet as you always are. Happy holidays!

Qim, thanks so much! Who knew, the f word is a crowd pleaser :D

[Haunted]

tom


I can't remember the last time
but the first time
was some awakening

there he was
on my bed
curved into me
without my consent

but he was crazy
and I love crazy...

a wound-up mountain lion
morbidly mighty
stopping at nothing
next he'd be the softest teddy
and so I let him act out his beast

he was the first thing I saw each day
he'd look me lazily with one eye
like I didn't deserve both
but that just made me laugh
at night he'd give me an earful
if his bed — me —
wasn't ready on demand

all this for fourteen years
and I can't remember the last time

the last time
we slept together

they said it'd come back
with time
(or not)

but I do remember the first time
when I got down and crawled
to the forbidding shadow
where he lay

and once again
we were sleeping together
even if it was
on the dusky floor

I dabbed his decrepit face
until the cotton ran out
and there was nothing left
nothing but a small set of bones
under paper-thin skin

the last time he took his breath
it was a very strange day
the world was wrapped in sun
but at the same time
it was raining cats and tears



~ ~ ~ ~


for Tiger
1994 - 2012

[Hawkman]

Hi Haunt.

There are a couple of things to pick up on in this poem. Generally the emotion of the piece, the memeno rmori aspect is well realised, but I feel the poem suffers a little from being a tiny bit over written, and there are some peculiar word choices on occasion. There is a danger, when communicating intensely personal memories, either to become obscure or throw in unnecessary exposition.

The first thing which jarred for me as a reader, was "morbidly mighty" Perhaps you really meant this or perhaps you meant something else, but the image of sickly unwholesomeness seems to be at odds with the image of a mountain lion. It conjours the image of a morbidly obese mountain lion! Quite frankly it's over egging the pudding and could be dropped with no ill effects. Another thing about this verse is your use of "but next" for this to sit comfortably, the stanza reall should begin with "one moment..." or a similar expression. The conjunction "but" might be better as "the" in this case. It works as it is though.

S5: "if his bed — that would be me —" This jars a bit. Much too wordy in the exposition and the style of an aside breaks the connection to the moment. Much better to just say: "if I, his bed,"

Likewise with the parenthesised "(or not)" completely superfluous. It should be dropped.

"but I do remember the first time
when I crawled to the shadow
where he lay
and once again
we were sleeping together
even if it was on the dusky
unforgiving floor"

This verse has a problem in the construction. In the first line you say "but I do remember the first time" but the fourth line then says, "and once again." It cant' be a first time if it's an, again! This verse really needs re writing so that all the elements agree.

My favourite bit:

"he was the first thing I saw each day
he'd look me lazily with one eye
like I didn't deserve both
but that just made me laugh..."

and the poignancy of the penultimate verse is well realised.

Live and be well - H

[Delta40]

I was never a critic Haunted but your writing is so powerful now and wonderful. It's a joy to read. Have you been published yet?

[Haunted]

Hawk, thanks again, as always, for your lengthy and indepth comment, and your observations are all good and correct. It took me like, 4 months to complete this, trying to stay relevant. I wanted to record a tale, abridged, with a condensed timeline and some personal thoughts and sentiments along the way. With that ambition it started out truly overwritten and I've already cut one or two stanzas as I was finishing this. I think I'm ok with the content right now, it's a tad long for my own taste but I can't think of a way to shorten it yet keeping it the same, because the poem also needs to be relevant to me as well, since it's a personal piece, with a dedication.



The first thing which jarred for me as a reader, was "morbidly mighty" Perhaps you really meant this or perhaps you meant something else, but the image of sickly unwholesomeness seems to be at odds with the image of a mountain lion. It conjours the image of a morbidly obese mountain lion! Quite frankly it's over egging the pudding and could be dropped with no ill effects.

"A morbidly obese mountain lion", good lord no! I"m using "mighty" here just to describe strength and power, not size. I combined it with "morbidly" to allude to his hunts and kills, that's all. It's an aspect of his character so I want to leave it in. I'll dangle it out and see if anyone else comes to your "unwholesome" conclusion :=D



Another thing about this verse is your use of "but next" for this to sit comfortably, the stanza reall should begin with "one moment..." or a similar expression. The conjunction "but" might be better as "the" in this case. It works as it is though.


I knew something was missing! But I don't really write complete sentences in poetry, only contracted forms so instead of adding "moment..." to make a smooth sentence which isn't really my thing, I'll change how the "next" line is written, I"ll see if I can contract it a bit more.



S5: "if his bed — that would be me —" This jars a bit. Much too wordy in the exposition and the style of an aside breaks the connection to the moment. Much better to just say: "if I, his bed,"


Totally agree. I just threw it in there quickly, wasn't happy with it. I've rewritten it.



Likewise with the parenthesised "(or not)" completely superfluous. It should be dropped.


That's a self-conscious thought, yes. Wordy, yes. But I need that to complete that thought because it really isn't coming back....



This verse has a problem in the construction. In the first line you say "but I do remember the first time" but the fourth line then says, "and once again." It cant' be a first time if it's an, again! This verse really needs re writing so that all the elements agree.


THe "first time" refers to the crawling over. "Once again" refers to what happens after that. It's sequential, same event but not the same actions. If it's confusing I'll split up the stanza and see.

Lots of great feedback and ideas for improvement, thanks so much for your time and intensive reading, much appreciated!!!!


Delta, thanks for popping in with such kind words. I have some thoughts to share with you and I want to devote some time to it, I'll get back to you in a little bit.

[qimissung]

What if you did something like this:

I don't remember the last time

the last time
we slept together

but the first time
the first time

I crawled...


Oh Haunted, so sad! I felt it all. It's beautiful. What a lovely tribute for Tiger.

[Haunted]

I was never a critic Haunted but your writing is so powerful now and wonderful. It's a joy to read. Have you been published yet?

Delta, thanks for your comment and patience. I was thinking the same of you, and I think I have already said that in comments posted to your poems. There are a few people here that have the weight to carry an anthology of their own and you are one of them. Your persona as the domestic diva has its charm and is tremendous fun to read. And now you've grown darker, it gives your writing another dimension. Your use of metaphors and how tightly you've spun them, it's a work of art. I used to do that a lot, but then I took a different approach but admire it when others do it. I hope I get to read your published work one day.

I just have had a few loose pieces floating out there, since then my editor passed away and I lost interest in poetry writing altogether. I did return to poetry but dropped off again. This is Poetry 3.0. My style has changed a lot and to be honest I really don't know what I'm doing :confused:



What if you did something like this:

I don't remember the last time

the last time
we slept together

but the first time
the first time

I crawled...


Oh Haunted, so sad! I felt it all. It's beautiful. What a lovely tribute for Tiger.

Qim, funny you suggested that, I have experimented with that but abandoned it as I already have a few repetitions — "nothing" is repeated in a later stanza — and I tried to avoid overusing it. But repetition is indeed a technique here since it's showing someone who is obviously stuck. I've just revised it, I think it works. Thanks so much for reading and the precious comment, I'm really moved. (I hope he likes it too :angelsad2:)

[firefangled]

Haunted, this is a beautiful, well written tribute. I understand how you must feel; recently I lost a cat named Rascal, very similar to your apt description of Tiger.

Every word was precious.

[Haunted]

Fire, thanks so much for gracing this poem with equally beautiful words. And it means a lot to me because I started writing this since September and I struggled so much with it on so many levels, so I'm really gratified you can relate and also share with me your own precious Rascal. There's sure similarity — Tiger was a rascal too, with a capital R! Your comment was reassuring and comforting and I thank you again for taking the time.

[deryk]

tom


I can't remember the last time
but the first time
was some awakening

there he was
on my bed
curved into me
without my consent

but he was crazy
and I love crazy...

a wound-up mountain lion
morbidly mighty
stopping at nothing
next he'd be the softest teddy
and so I let him act out his beast

he was the first thing I saw each day
he'd look me lazily with one eye
like I didn't deserve both
but that just made me laugh
at night he'd give me an earful
if his bed — me —
wasn't ready on demand

all this for fourteen years
and I can't remember the last time

the last time
we slept together

they said it'd come back
with time
(or not)

but I do remember the first time
the first time I crawled
to the forbidding shadow
where he lay

and once again
we were sleeping together
even if it was on the dusky floor

I dabbed his decrepit face
until the cotton ran out
and there was nothing left
nothing but a small set of bones
under paper-thin skin

the last time he took his breath
it was a very strange day
the world was wrapped in sun
but at the same time
it was raining cats and tears



~ ~ ~ ~


for Tiger
1994 - 2012

There is a lot of emotionally energized contrast in this poem. Along with the plain, truth-honed words, the poem paints a very stark and real image. I appreciated it for that. But what also caught my attention was a coincidence. I've been writing a poem about my father manifesting as the ghost of a dog, who shares the same name as your lost animal. Maybe it's an omen.

[Haunted]

Oh wow deryk, that's what I'd call an omen, yes. You've got to write it! It sounds really unique and I'll love to read it, I'll keep an eye out for it. And many thanks for your comment!

[Haunted]

I wonder how you are



how's the weather there
have you made new friends
is the food agreeable
do you enjoy the sparrows
the bats and the chipmunks
as much as before

I still put water out for you
filtered and kept cool
in the same metal bowl

for my tabs
I just use plain tap water
I'm taking more
I can't sleep at night

have you regained some weight
is the sun stroking your back
has it rid you of the subcutaneous cold

are you over it now
that ten prolonged minutes
on the stainless steel table
I did not stop in time

would you forgive me
for what I did shorten
by one day
perhaps a week
or were we merely counting hours
on one hand

[kittypaws]

Cats are cool....they are so independent that is why I am envious of them!

kittypaws

[Hawkman]

Hi Haunted, nice to see you posting again :)

The "I've added" in S5 L2 confuses the sense of the verse, so I'd be inclined to drop it. The first line of S6 just doesn't make sense, I'm afraid. You really need to take a look at that line and decide what it is you actually want to say. To enhance the flow of the narrative I'd recommend swapping the order of "for my tabs" & "I just use plain tap water" in S3. It'll read much better if you do this.

Apart from my quibbles I think this is a good piece, although I do prefer punctuation in my poems ;)

I love the opening line. I'm sure the departed kitty is enjoying his time in Elysium.

Live and be well - H

[DieterM]

hey, h., your poem had a strong echo with me as it's been less than two months that my dog left for the Elysean fields, too. Am glad I read Hawkman's comment, too, because I thought it was only stupid me who didn't grab the meaning of the S6 opening line. Same liking here for the opening lines, they remind me of some lines out of a Sinnead O'Connor song ("Troy"). Good to read you!

[Jerrybaldy]

I am not a man who keeps pets. But I could not fail to see the pathos and poignancy you captured in S5. Time to move on though maybe Haunted. Your station is somewhere down the line. No need to catch the express and miss the journey. X

[Haunted]

A belated thank you to all

kittypaws, so sweet of you, loved the cat comment.

Hawk, as always, thanks for helping me improve, I've made some edits.

Dieter, I'm sorry about your dog! Even in your grief your words are comforting and beautiful.

Jerry, thanks for looking out for me x

[Jerrybaldy]

It's a dirty job but someone's got to do it :)

[Haunted]

the green line


it follows a fixed path
from left to right

springy like a grasshopper
it jumps up a few times
lays low
and starts all over again

and so it seems happy-go-lucky
until the seasons end
and the bone chilling cold
stops it in its tracks

then ever so slightly
a twitch
and another

I hold my breath
hope hangs in the air
like the smallest snowflake

it's just reflex
the nurse says

my father looks on
he isn't blinking

I'm sorry for your loss
she adds in a voice as flat
as the bright green line

without closing his eyelids
she disconnects the wires

[Hawkman]

A remarkably vivid evocation of those last moments, Haunted. The poem definitely puts the reader in the room, as it were. Very well written; captures the emotions of the moment and presents them without fuss. Very powerful piece.

Live and be well- H

[Evan Shaw]

Independence Day

Fireworks exploding, reminiscent of Francis Scott Key
That Ode he wrote to victory,
So beyond adequately. Play ball!
Cannot capture the essence of that rapture.
When the Flag was waving still.
No wonder he took up his quill!

[Haunted]

Hawk, thank you so very much. Really nice to know I was able to convey it to you. This was one of those which I wasn't sure about.

Evan, a little bit of a surprise holiday contribution. Curious why you'd choose to post here, considering all this gloom and doom from the last few entries. I'm not seeing any connection other than the date/day of posting itself. Didn't it deserve its own thread? I did enjoy it.

[AuntShecky]

Hi Haunted, your latest piece is indeed poignant and despite the morose topic, wit shines through, namely likening the topic to the movement of an insect, similarly green. I also envy your ability to shape short lines.

(And Evan, please don't bury your work in other LitNutter's threads as it deserves its own spotlight. Why not put all your work in a convenient single thread, with later poems posted as "replies" just as others have done: Haunted, Loksenna, DocHeart, and another LitNutter whose name escapes me.):blush:

Auntie

[Jerrybaldy]

I was a while in before I realised what the green line was. I was thinking it was some ropey metaphor. I should have known better. Think the last two lines would be better shortened. The slow adding of detail is brilliant. So well written and so well handled. Beautifully understated.

[angliholic]

I didn't find any trash at all
It's a pity
it has been turned into gold

[Haunted]

Auntie, thanks very much for your kind words. Short lines have their perils but really glad it worked for you.

Jerry, you are absolutely right. I struggled with last 2 lines, felt they could be tightened. Done. Good call x.

angliholic, you are so kind. Noticed you started your own thread. Will visit when I have more time later this week or next.

[angliholic]

Take your time and all the best to you and your poetry of gold

[Haunted]

coffee


fresh brew is smooth
calm and clear like a dark mirror
and when the cream touches
the swirls are crisp
like calligraphy
penned by a genuine artist

instant… on the other hand
is foamy, crude
made up on the spot to please
only to dissolve into nothing
a pretender at best

with that in mind
I'd like to thank you
for the coffee

as you take your sip
to carefully form a conversation

just so you know
I can tell the difference

[Hawkman]

Hi Haunt, I really like this one. The coffee analogy works well as an extended metaphor. I have a couple of observations though. I feel that the last line of S1 slightly over extends the verse. for me, the natural place for the verse to stop is at artist: "on an enchanting invite" feels a bit weak.

The second point is the line break at S2 L3. This feels unnatural. I can see why you wanted to end the line at spot, it's a stronger word with a harder consonant, but everywhere else in the poem the individual lines represent complete thoughts/clauses, as it were. To follow this pattern I'd have started the next line at "but". I wonder if you shouldn't drop "to please" altogether. Just a thought.

Lastly the final line is a bit weak, ending the line with is... hmmm. Maybe, "I can tell the difference" is a bit more subtle and still conveys the same message.

Always good to see your work gracing the boards.

Live and be well - H

[Haunted]

Hawk, agreed totally with everything you said. The "invite' line is just window dressing, to match the "thank you for the coffee" bit. Not really necessary though. Regarding the line break, I realized the mistake after I clicked "post", but too lazy to fix it. And I got caught, lol. Made the changes. Oh, great suggestion for last line. Thanks so much!

[Delta40]

Oh the company you must keep! Which is it I wonder? You got me thinking with this one Haunted.

[Haunted]

Delta, lol. So true though. There are a lot of tells if you pay attention. Most are benign, thankfully. Thanks for popping in!

[blank|verse]

That’s a nicely observed moment of the sort of (un)conscious judgements we make of others, Haunted. The personification in the line ‘a pretender at best’ is slyly humorous and shifts the poem subtly onto a figurative level.

It puts me in mind of Charles Simic’s ‘At the Cookout’, in which the male narrator is looking at his wife and her friends laughing at something, but he doesn’t know what, which he finds unsettling.

The lines are quite conversational, which seems fitting, but I wonder if there’s more you can make of the poem’s form – for example, writing the first two stanzas, which contrast the types of coffee, in contrasting ways. You might consider reducing the poem to just three stanzas as well; the last three stanzas seem to belong together.

[Haunted]

BV, I see your point about contrasting first 2 stanzas, kind of like pairing, or opposite pairing. I kept changing the last line in S1, I'll change it back to "artist", which would probably make more sense to you and it contrasts better with "pretender". You are right about that. Good call.

Otherwise I am comfortable with the loose form because the feeling between S1 and S2 is so different. S1 is meditative, but when it gets to S2, the tone is more annoyed, almost like venting. Ironically I make instant coffee all the time. But that's beside the point, it's about being served instant coffee when it should have been "real" coffee!!!

The last 3 short stanzas certainly can be combined, but I separated them out for pacing and emphasis. I'd like to slow it down to mimic conversation. Talk... think... look down at cup... look up... talk, etc.

I really appreciated your comment, very helpful. Thanks!

[AuntShecky]

Sometimes we can glean good poems from ordinary, everyday things -- looking at the familiar with new eyes. The Imagists wouls approve the first half of your poem. Yours fooly admires how it "connects" w. the second half.

[Haunted]

Auntie, thanks for your kind words. Your hermit crab comes to mind.... but even better!

[AuntShecky]

I saw your name at the end of the thread and thought you'd posted a new one. Looking forward to when that time arrives.

Your fan,
Auntie

[Jerrybaldy]

A well roasted and very smart coffee analogy. I particularly liked your use of calligraphy in describing the coffee and the bittersweet closing stanzas x

[Haunted]

Dear Auntie, so sweet. That's one F word I wouldn't mind hearing over and over, LOL. <3

Jerry, I'll add some whiskey to the "good" coffee, just for you. Clang x

[Haunted]

tsunami


never know
when it's going to hit

when it does
there's no stopping
the swell
that rises from
the center of the earth

choking me

my chest convulses
my face squeezes tight

behind a wall of
black mascara tears
all I see is you

you wouldn't know
the damage done
but it really ruins my makeup

[Hawkman]

Hi Haunt. Yup that's a strong poem, but you could lose the 'it' from S2 L2 and did you really mean massacre or should that be mascara? Mascara would be better ;)

"Goes into convulsion" is a long winded way to say what you mean, "my chest convulses" would be tighter. I like the concept of the last verse I'm not keen on wouldn't. Perhaps don't would be stronger. Just a thought, but there is some good strong imagery here. Love the likening of the tsunami to the emotional swell and tears. Poignant with humour. Your strengths in poetic expression.

Live and be well - H

[Haunted]

Hawk you are Godsent. Just the help I needed! First off, I wasn't even sure if anyone gets it. And what was I thinking, after I typed massacre I thought it looked a little funny...lol. Agree with "convulses". I convulsed to see how long winded it was! Thanks so much!

[AuntShecky]

I like the wit in this-- but are we women still expected to mess with mascara?

[Jerrybaldy]

Thank you Haunted. In this sea of s hit ( there is an elephant in this room) it's a joy to find you bathing in your tsunami in your 1948 swimsuit. Thank f uck for you and a few others. Wiping your mascara and topping you up. X

[Delta40]

I love how you personalize the inner tsunami. Great crash onto the shore with the closing line

[DieterM]

Well, no, you never know when it's going to hit, do you, huh? Strong evocation of a strong emotion I've never quite understood. And always relished. What a sweet damage even to those of us who don't apply mascara, and how aptly described, dear Haunt. Your poem deserves to be bumped up. Done :-)

[Haunted]

I like the wit in this-- but are we women still expected to mess with mascara?

Only when they are writing poems ;=) Thanks Auntie for reading and liking. Makes it all worthwhile! I mean writing it, not putting on the mascara….

Jerry, I know that elephant. I'd say the same about you. 1948 swimsuit? You are a riot! x

Delta, thanks. I put all I've got in the last line!

Dear Dieter, good to know that the other half of the non-mascara population can appreciate it. And thanks for the bump!

[Haunted]

stress management


I regret
I never took up smoking
or else I'll have something
to bite down on
butt and all

maybe I'd get dressed
(or strip)
and crash
a socialite pharm party

or stay put
druggy eyes swirling with
the hypnotic wine legs
until I can't stand it anymore
and just grab the neck
of that bottle

[AuntShecky]

Yeah, you're so right. Sometimes stress gets to be so much, we seek out questionable forms of "self-medication." (Hah! And they say we don't need Obamacare!)

And you know what, Haunted? If we modeled our lives on that of celebrities, as shown by on Page Six of the paper or reality shows, we might begin to believe that the seamy underside of life --drugs, sex,overdrinking--is the norm and the reality-based, less "glamorous" life style is the anomaly.

I like the wit of this piece.

[Jerrybaldy]

Don't like to disagree with auntie but I see more desperation than wit here. It's always good to read you haunted. Post more bloody often.

[AuntShecky]

I see more desperation than wit here.

Yeah, but sometimes the best humor comes from desperation. Hence, the great comedians stemming from various ethnic heritages with a history of oppression and suffering--he Jewish people, Black people, the Irish, not to perpetuate any stereotypes, mind you.

Then again there's the cliché about the clown who's laughin' on the outside and cryin' on the inside. He yucks it up--until he sees how little he's being paid (less his agent's commission.)

[Haunted]

Auntie, really enjoyed reading your comment. I think a lot more people will sign up for Obamacare if it offered THIS stress management. Then again their website wouldn't be able to handle it. Sigh. About the celebs and their high life… now rehab is the in thing. It's almost "good" to have a problem…. another irony, to continue your thoughts about the best humor comes from desperation.

Jerry, I'm a bit dyslexic and for a moment I thought you wrote pour more bloody mary lol. Either that or the usual. BTW desperation is my middle name ;)

[Hawkman]

Hey, Haunt. Where did this come from? I missed it! Sorry about that.

First off, I like it :) but you've mixed your tenses a bit. S1 L3: "or else I'll" would be better as "I'd have something..." Not sure about S2 L2: the dressed/undress jars a bit - but possibly you could just say "(or strip)"

Still wondering about the hypnotic wine legs... Never seen any, so I'm a bit baffled by them. :D

Nice to see you're still alive though :)

Live and be well - H

[Haunted]

Hawk, I hope you'll pardon my tardiness. Barely alive. I lost my kitchen and couldn't think straight… Long story.

I'll fix the tenses. I always got them wrong, thanks for the help and please keep correcting. Dress undress does sound boring. I like strip so strip it will be.

Wine legs are the streaks on the glass when the wine is swirled. I didnt' know the term myself until I wrote this. Actually found out via research. Imagine that, I actually research for these dumb simplistic poems, LOL.

[Haunted]

late winter


the cold is numbing
except my hands
warm under my sweater
sweeping up and around
where yours have been

never know
if it'll snow again

still I want
one last blizzard

blinding
intensifying
hyperventilating
no questions asked

down we go
limbs fanning
two fallen snow angels
doing what we do best on our backs
the world be damned

so would there be
more snow

or is this
the end

[Hawkman]

Hi Haunt. Really like this - longing and passion in a neat package. It as a couple of small issues though. The last line of S1 lacks the elegance of the rest of the poem. Perhaps "where yours have been" would be better here. My only other niggle is in S6 where you say "so would there be" to fit with the rest of the piece the would really needs to be a will, and I'm not sure about "another". I think more would fit better here. Using would confuses tenses. The rest of the poem is in present tense but would makes it sound like a comment on the past, i.e. You could say "I wondered if there would be more snow" but "so will there be more snow" is a smoother transition from the present to the future.

Apart from my nit picking I love the immediacy of the piece. Very expressive. Good work.

Live and be well - H

[DieterM]

haunted, very impressive. I fell in love with the image of snow angels…

[Jerrybaldy]

Wherefore art thou?

[Jerrybaldy]

You posted!!! So good to read you again. Welcome back. Love the metaphor of longing for the blizzard. The closing line of S1 .. should it be too rather than to or is it s question? You have an individual style Haunted. Post more often. Clink.

[Haunted]

Hawk, thanks for taking the time to help with a few bad usages, as always!! I knew it but didnt spend the time to think it through, counting on Hawk to help out :). I got the corrections, except for "would". It started out talking about weather and future snow, hence, "will" as future tense. But the piece transitioned to a wish dependent on an unpredictable weather event, that's when I wrote "would" instead. I knew the grammar police will frown, but just wanted to convey that thought with conditional. Really pleased the piece still works for you, despite these little spots.

Dieter, so glad you actually pointed out the snow angels. As soon as I posted I was wondering perhaps I didn't need that stanza, but left it in to see if anyone says something. Definitely not touching it now. Thanks!

Jerry, it's always a '48 party when you post here! That line was just poorly written. I'm starting to think grammatically challenged is my style lol. Clink.

[AuntShecky]

Haunted, your postings are few and far between. But as Spencer Tracy once remarked to Kate Hepburn about her slim figure: "There's not much there, but what's there is 'cherce.' " (Choice.)

As to "Late Winter," it reminds me of that fabulous song, "Baby, It's Cold Outside." I just did an online search and found it was written by the great Frank Loesser! I should have known.

Anyway, what that song and your latest poem do is pose cold weather, a winter storm, as a convenient excuse for a little romance. I always thought a soft snowfall was beautiful, but this year? Enough is enough. Be that as it may, I think your narrator wants one last snowstorm so she can have another session with her lover, right?

A witty -- and warm(!) -- little wistful piece.

Shoot some more of your bon mots our way.

Auntie

[qimissung]

late winter


the cold is numbing
except my hands
warm under my sweater
sweeping up and around
where yours have been

never know
if it'll snow again

still I want
one last blizzard

blinding
intensifying
hyperventilating
no questions asked

down we go
limbs fanning
two fallen snow angels
doing what we do best on our backs
the world be damned

so would there be
more snow

or is this
the end


Fantastic! Love the bit about the snow angels.

[Haunted]

That's a very nice quote there Auntie, thank you! "Cherce" sounds exotic with an element of glam (must be the Hepburn association). Have to remember that, it'll make a good username somewhere. I didn't know that song but looked it up, enjoyed its music and construct. To your question, RIGHT! I don't write nature poems all that well anyways, so always some allusions. Ahh, talking about snow, I woke up to a white dusting a few days ago; temps got seasonal for 2 days and now it's freezing again. When is it going to end?

Qim, so pleased you love the snow angels! I'll send a few down to you for next winter (I think now we are ready for some spring action)

[AuntShecky]

That's a very nice quote there Auntie, thank you! "Cherce" sounds exotic with an element of glam (must be the Hepburn association). Have to remember that, it'll make a good username somewhere. [

I think Spencer Tracy was attempting to be humorous with a Brooklyn accent: "cherce" for "choice." Either way, it describes your "stuff."

More, please!

[Haunted]

I got the "choice" reference, but totally missed the Brooklyn accent! The worst!!! lol


More, please!

After 4/15… Bet you know why….

[Haunted]

contract negotiations


if I lower the corner
of your business card
into the little tealight
will the pulp
flare in indignation

or will it singe and subside
like this slow dancing
through obscure overwrought jargon
and your nervous uncontrollable tics

would my hair catch fire
if I leant over to kiss you

would the terms of agreement
be nude and void

[DieterM]

would it be better if you used "leant over" in s3? I didn't mind the present tense when giving your poem a first read, but during the thrid reading, I stumbled over it… and am still not sure. "leant" WOULD sound grammatically better, I guess. Other than that, you had me there. I dunno how you did it because you didn't describe neither a location nor physical characterictics nor anything, it's all very subdued & minimalist (haunted-ish, I'd say), but I heard music, saw you two dancing ever so slowly… and the song "Private Dancer" came to mind (as well as—go figure why, even I don't understand—the B.E. Ellis-novel "American Psycho").

[Hawkman]

Hi Haunt. S2 is stalling the flow a bit. The last two lines of this stanza aren't working for me. They don't flow from what comes before. The 'but' is the biggest problem. However, these lines feel superfluous to me, a digression... Going nowhere. Consequently they sap some of the energy from the poem. I'd also be inclined to put the line break before beyond...

"beyond disclaimers
and obscure jargon"

The words flow better like this. Apart from that. Cracking little piece!

Live and be well - H

[Haunted]

hi Dieter, I'm never getting the conditional tenses right, sigh. Thanks for the correction. I'm afraid you gave me more credit than I deserved. I wish I could claim your lovely interpretation of the dance and music, you are a true romantic! But it is about something much more mundane. I used the urban meaning of "slow dancing" to convey a business negotiation not advancing, and the inevitable tension… I tweaked it to make it a little more clear. Thanks!

[qimissung]

Hi Haunted. I might remove the "but" and then make the last two stanza one (maybe). And maybe add an "or" as in "or would my hair catch fire..."

I really like it. But after reading your response to Dieter I'm not sure what it's about. I thought it was about two people who cannot decide whether to move forward in a relationship in some way-maybe it's just a date and he can't decide whether to kiss the girl or not? Whichever, it's a nicely moody little piece.

[DieterM]

haunted, well, I stand corrected, too, as to what you wanted to express :-) anyway, in my humble opinion, you shouldn't have tweaked anything at all; what I like in a poem is that I can read it twice, thrice, a thousand times, and discover something new each time (new music, new meanings, etc.). so don't make things clear, gal, for God's sake! And do not tweak! I for one am a fan of yours whenever you choose to appear "untweaked" :-) (not that the tweaked version is not good, but now that's the haunted-fan talking, and we won't have any more flattering, now, will we?)

[YesNo]

I liked the last two lines about the terms of agreement.

[Haunted]

Hawk, you called it, I was having mega problems with that stanza. Felt the same way about going nowhere, it's redundant after slow dancing, basically saying the same thing twice. Tightened the whole stanza. Hope that improved it… Thanks for the comment :=)

Qim, I'm glad you liked it, despite its many flaws. It's really just a trashy piece about two strangers in a business relationship that turns personal during the course of a dinner meeting. Trying to capture the strange dynamics in contentious negotiations and the kind of tension that arises. And yes, tried to create a mood too. At least that one worked, phew! I took out "but", actually changed the stanza quite a bit. The hair stanza is supposed to come out of nowhere, so just going to make it stand without a connector. Your input is solid, many thanks, AND it's really great to see you around more now!

Dieter, I most certainly listen to everything you have to say! In many cases my subjects are quite specific, so if people reading it are confused, then I must rewrite. I think it's better now, based on your comment and others', I knew what to tweak. Ohhhh did you say fan? Wowy! Must say it's mutual, I'm quite a fan of yours as well and it pleases me when I see a new D posting so keep them coming!

Dear Y/N, so nice that you graced this thread, your comment is much appreciated!

[Jerrybaldy]

Sublime Haunted. You don't post much these days but when you do its always worth the wait. You have developed a theme of relationships and usually their dark side and you play them out in metaphor and romance, here through burning business cards and a contrast of self hatred and the hatred of the would be suitor along side the burning of romance itself whilst also being hopelessly romantic in its telling. Love it.

[Haunted]

JB, so kind! I made more changes since your commented. Hope it still works for you. Clink x

[Haunted]

stranded


even when I haven't
gotten out of the chair
since we last spoke
and life has
abruptly stopped

my hair continues to grow
eclipsing my face

behind the frozen mask
there is a budding thought
of you bending down
and lifting a strand
out of the left eye

[Hawkman]

Flawless, Spooky. So good to read you again.

Live and be well - H

[Jerrybaldy]

I haven't learnt much. Who does? But I have learnt that Haunted posting something new is a litnet treat more than it deserves. You put so much into so few words. I love your writing .

[DieterM]

didn't see yesterday that my dear haunted has "haunted" this place again! And I second Jerrybaldy: shouldn't have missed your entry yesterday; am glad I came back to discover this little gem. hope all's well with you, h. :-)

[Jerrybaldy]

Bump. A big bump. Not one of those little bumps. Oh no. A big one. On merit

[Haunted]

Hawk, Jerry and Dieter, so glad to come back and be greeted with such lovely comments. Makes me want to hang around again!

[AuntShecky]

Didn't know you were back! I like the concluding couplet in #740.
Don't be a stranger.

[Bar22do]

Always love your writing, your last one is a gift, Haunted. Thank you. Hope to read more of you soon... Best from Bar

[DieterM]

Uhm, just for the record, there's a whole book of Haunted Poetry you can find on amazon. Don't know this forum's policy re. ads for fellow writers' books, so suffice it to say that you only have to look for a certain Calyna Haunt: "unrequited". Yep, that's our LitNet h! Her book's a gem, like all of the poems in this thread. Just wanted to let you know…

[Jerrybaldy]

Will buy it. Thanks Dieter

[Haunted]

Auntie, YES glad you are too, NO I won't be... at least I'll try not to be. Really thrilled you found something good in there, thanks!

Bar, what a treat! Missed you and hope to see more of you here. Warm thoughts going your way.

tra la la D & Jer you guys just made my day! xoxoxoxoxo