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Chapter 24

FULL STORY OF A COPY OF HEINECCIUS


The place found was in the upper part of a house backed on a canal. We
had two rooms, the second entering from the first; each had a chimney
built out into the floor in the Dutch manner; and being alongside, each
had the same prospect from the window of the top of a tree below us in a
little court, of a piece of the canal, and of houses in the Hollands
architecture and a church spire upon the further side. A full set of
bells hung in that spire and made delightful music; and when there was
any sun at all, it shone direct in our two chambers. From a tavern hard
by we had good meals sent in.

The first night we were both pretty weary, and she extremely so. There
was little talk between us, and I packed her off to her bed as soon as
she had eaten. The first thing in the morning I wrote word to Sprott to
have her mails sent on, together with a line to Alan at his chief's; and
had the same dispatched, and her breakfast ready, ere I waked her. I was
a little abashed when she came forth in her one habit, and the mud of
the way upon her stockings. By what inquiries I had made, it seemed a
good few days must pass before her mails could come to hand in Leyden,
and it was plainly needful she must have a shift of things. She was
unwilling at first that I should go to that expense; but I reminded her
she was now a rich man's sister and must appear suitably in the part,
and we had not got to the second merchant's before she was entirely
charmed into the spirit of the thing, and her eyes shining. It pleased
me to see her so innocent and thorough in this pleasure. What was more
extraordinary was the passion into which I fell on it myself; being
never satisfied that I had bought her enough or fine enough, and never
weary of beholding her in different attires. Indeed, I began to
understand some little of Miss Grant's immersion in that interest of
clothes; for the truth is, when you have the ground of a beautiful
person to adorn, the whole business becomes beautiful. The Dutch
chintzes I should say were extraordinary cheap and fine; but I would be
ashamed to set down what I paid for stockings to her. Altogether I spent
so great a sum upon this pleasuring (as I may call it) that I was
ashamed for a great while to spend more; and by way of a set off, I left
our chambers pretty bare. If we had beds, if Catriona was a little braw,
and I had light to see her by, we were richly enough lodged for me.

By the end of this merchandising I was glad to leave her at the door
with all our purchases, and go for a long walk alone in which to read
myself a lecture. Here had I taken under my roof, and as good as to my
bosom, a young lass extremely beautiful, and whose innocence was her
peril. My talk with the old Dutchman, and the lies to which I was
constrained, had already given me a sense of how my conduct must appear
to others; and now, after the strong admiration I had just experienced
and the immoderacy with which I had continued my vain purchases, I began
to think of it myself as very hasarded. I bethought me, if I had a
sister indeed, whether I would so expose her; then, judging the case too
problematical, I varied my question into this, whether I would so trust
Catriona in the hands of any other Christian being: the answer to which
made my face to burn. The more cause, since I had been entrapped and had
entrapped the girl into an undue situation, that I should behave in it
with scrupulous nicety. She depended on me wholly for her bread and
shelter; in case I should alarm her delicacy, she had no retreat.
Besides, I was her host and her protector; and the more irregularly I
had fallen in these positions, the less excuse for me if I should profit
by the same to forward even the most honest suit; for with the
opportunities that I enjoyed, and which no wise parent would have
suffered for a moment, even the most honest suit would be unfair. I saw
I must be extremely hold-off in my relations; and yet not too much so
neither; for if I had no right to appear at all in the character of a
suitor, I must yet appear continually, and if possible agreeably, in
that of host. It was plain I should require a great deal of tact and
conduct, perhaps more than my years afforded. But I had rushed in where
angels might have feared to tread, and there was no way out of that
position, save by behaving right while I was in it. I made a set of
rules for my guidance; prayed for strength to be enabled to observe
them, and as a more human aid to the same end purchased a study book in
law. This being all that I could think of, I relaxed from these grave
considerations; whereupon my mind bubbled at once into an effervescency
of pleasing spirits, and it was like one treading on air that I turned
homeward. As I thought that name of home, and recalled the image of that
figure awaiting me between four walls, my heart beat upon my bosom.

My troubles began with my return. She ran to greet me with an obvious
and affecting pleasure. She was clad, besides, entirely in the new
clothes that I had bought for her; looked in them beyond expression
well; and must walk about and drop me curtseys to display them and to be
admired. I am sure I did it with an ill grace, for I thought to have
choked upon the words.

"Well," she said, "if you will not be caring for my pretty clothes, see
what I have done with our two chambers." And she showed me the place all
very finely swept and the fires glowing in the two chimneys.

I was glad of a chance to seem a little more severe than I quite felt.
"Catriona," said I, "I am very much displeased with you, and you must
never again lay a hand upon my room. One of us two must have the rule
while we are here together; it is most fit it should be I who am both
the man and the elder; and I give you that for my command."

She dropped me one of her curtseys which were extraordinary taking. "If
you will be cross," said she, "I must be making pretty manners at you,
Davie. I will be very obedient, as I should be when every stitch upon
all there is of me belongs to you. But you will not be very cross
either, because now I have not anyone else."

This struck me hard, and I made haste, in a kind of penitence, to blot
out all the good effect of my last speech. In this direction, progress
was more easy, being down hill; she led me forward, smiling; at the
sight of her, in the brightness of the fire and with her pretty becks
and looks, my heart was altogether melted. We made our meal with
infinite mirth and tenderness; and the two seemed to be commingled into
one, so that our very laughter sounded like a kindness.

In the midst of which I awoke to better recollections, made a lame word
of excuse, and set myself boorishly to my studies. It was a substantial,
instructive book that I had bought, by the late Dr. Heineccius, in which
I was to do a great deal of reading these next days, and often very glad
that I had no one to question me of what I read. Methought she bit her
lip at me a little, and that cut me. Indeed it left her wholly solitary,
the more as she was very little of a reader, and had never a book. But
what was I to do?

So the rest of the evening flowed by almost without speech.

I could have beat myself. I could not lie in my bed that night for rage
and repentance, but walked to and fro on my bare feet till I was nearly
perished, for the chimney was gone out and the frost keen. The thought
of her in the next room, the thought that she might even hear me as I
walked, the remembrance of my churlishness and that I must continue to
practise the same ungrateful course or be dishonoured, put me beside my
reason. I stood like a man between Scylla and Charybdis: _What must she
think of me_? was my one thought that softened me continually into
weakness. _What is to become of us_? the other which steeled me again to
resolution. This was my first night of wakefulness and divided counsels,
of which I was now to pass many, pacing like a madman, sometimes weeping
like a childish boy, sometimes praying (I would fain hope) like a
Christian.

But prayer is not very difficult, and the hitch comes in practice. In
her presence, and above all if I allowed any beginning of familiarity, I
found I had very little command of what should follow. But to sit all
day in the same room with her, and feign to be engaged upon Heineccius,
surpassed my strength. So that I fell instead upon the expedient of
absenting myself so much as I was able; taking out classes and sitting
there regularly, often with small attention, the test of which I found
the other day in a note-book of that period, where I had left off to
follow an edifying lecture and actually scribbled in my book some very
ill verses, though the Latinity is rather better than I thought I could
ever have compassed. The evil of this course was unhappily near as great
as its advantage. I had the less time of trial, but I believe, while
that time lasted, I was tried the more extremely. For she being so much
left to solitude, she came to greet my return with an increasing fervour
that came nigh to overmaster me. These friendly offers I must
barbarously cast back; and my rejection sometimes wounded her so cruelly
that I must unbend and seek to make it up to her in kindness. So that
our time passed in ups and downs, tiffs and disappointments, upon the
which I could almost say (if it may be said with reverence) that I was
crucified.

The base of my trouble was Catriona's extraordinary innocence, at which
I was not so much surprised as filled with pity and admiration. She
seemed to have no thought of our position, no sense of my struggles;
welcomed any mark of my weakness with responsive joy; and when I was
drove again to my retrenchments, did not always dissemble her chagrin.
There were times when I have thought to myself, 'If she were over head
in love, and set her cap to catch me, she would scarce behave much
otherwise;' and then I would fall again into wonder at the simplicity of
woman, from whom I felt (in these moments) that I was not worthy to be
descended.

There was one point in particular on which our warfare turned, and of
all things, this was the question of her clothes. My baggage had soon
followed me from Rotterdam, and hers from Helvoet. She had now, as it
were, two wardrobes; and it grew to be understood between us (I could
never tell how) that when she was friendly she would wear my clothes,
and when otherwise her own. It was meant for a buffet, and (as it were)
the renunciation of her gratitude; and I felt it so in my bosom, but was
generally more wise than to appear to have observed the circumstance.

Once, indeed, I was betrayed into a childishness greater than her own;
it fell in this way. On my return from classes, thinking upon her
devoutly with a great deal of love and a good deal of annoyance in the
bargain, the annoyance began to fade away out of my mind; and spying in
a window one of those forced flowers, of which the Hollanders are so
skilled in the artifice, I gave way to an impulse and bought it for
Catriona. I do not know the name of that flower, but it was of the pink
colour, and I thought she would admire the same, and carried it home to
her with a wonderful soft heart. I had left her in my clothes, and when
I returned to find her all changed and a face to match, I cast but the
one look at her from head to foot, ground my teeth together, flung the
window open, and my flower into the court, and then (between rage and
prudence) myself out of that room again, of which I slammed the door as
I went out.

On the steep stair I came near falling, and this brought me to myself,
so that I began at once to see the folly of my conduct. I went, not into
the street as I had purposed, but to the house court, which was always a
solitary place, and where I saw my flower (that had cost me vastly more
than it was worth) hanging in the leafless tree. I stood by the side of
the canal, and looked upon the ice. Country people went by on their
skates, and I envied them. I could see no way out of the pickle I was
in: no way so much as to return to the room I had just left. No doubt
was in my mind but I had now betrayed the secret of my feelings; and to
make things worse, I had shown at the same time (and that with wretched
boyishness) incivility to my helpless guest.

I suppose she must have seen me from the open window. It did not seem to
me that I had stood there very long before I heard the crunching of
footsteps on the frozen snow, and turning somewhat angrily (for I was in
no spirit to be interrupted) saw Catriona drawing near. She was all
changed again, to the clocked stockings.

"Are we not to have our walk to-day?" said she.

I was looking at her in a maze. "Where is your brooch?" says I.

She carried her hand to her bosom and coloured high. "I will have
forgotten it," said she. "I will run upstairs for it quick, and then
surely we'll can have our walk?"

There was a note of pleading in that last that staggered me; I had
neither words nor voice to utter them; I could do no more than nod by
way of answer; and the moment she had left me, climbed into the tree and
recovered my flower, which on her return I offered her.

"I bought it for you, Catriona," said I.

She fixed it in the midst of her bosom with the brooch, I could have
thought tenderly.

"It is none the better of my handling," said I again, and blushed.

"I will be liking it none the worse, you may be sure of that," said she.

We did not speak so much that day, she seemed a thought on the reserve
though not unkindly. As for me, all the time of our walking, and after
we came home, and I had seen her put my flower into a pot of water, I
was thinking to myself what puzzles women were. I was thinking, the one
moment, it was the most stupid thing on earth she should not have
perceived my love; and the next, that she had certainly perceived it
long ago, and (being a wise girl with the fine female instinct of
propriety) concealed her knowledge.

We had our walk daily. Out in the streets I felt more safe; I relaxed a
little in my guardedness; and for one thing, there was no Heineccius.
This made these periods not only a relief to myself, but a particular
pleasure to my poor child. When I came back about the hour appointed, I
would generally find her ready dressed and glowing with anticipation.
She would prolong their duration to the extreme, seeming to dread (as I
did myself) the hour of the return; and there is scarce a field or
waterside near Leyden, scarce a street or lane there, where we have not
lingered. Outside of these, I bade her confine herself entirely to our
lodgings; this in the fear of her encountering any acquaintance, which
would have rendered our position very difficult. From the same
apprehension I would never suffer her to attend church, nor even go
myself; but made some kind of shift to hold worship privately in our own
chamber--I hope with an honest, but I am quite sure with a very much
divided mind. Indeed, there was scarce anything that more affected me,
than thus to kneel down alone with her before God like man and wife.

One day it was snowing downright hard. I had thought it not possible
that we should venture forth, and was surprised to find her waiting for
me ready dressed.

"I will not be doing without my walk," she cried. "You are never a good
boy, Davie, in the house; I will never be caring for you only in the
open air. I think we two will better turn Egyptian and dwell by the
roadside."

That was the best walk yet of all of them; she clung near to me in the
falling snow; it beat about and melted on us, and the drops stood upon
her bright cheeks like tears and ran into her smiling mouth. Strength
seemed to come upon me with the sight like a giant's; I thought I could
have caught her up and run with her into the uttermost places in the
earth; and we spoke together all that time beyond belief for freedom and
sweetness.

It was the dark night when we came to the house door. She pressed my arm
upon her bosom. "Thank you kindly for these same good hours," said she,
on a deep note of her voice.

The concern in which I fell instantly on this address, put me with the
same swiftness on my guard; and we were no sooner in the chamber, and
the light made, than she beheld the old, dour, stubborn countenance of
the student of Heineccius. Doubtless she was more than usually hurt; and
I know for myself, I found it more than usually difficult to maintain my
strangeness. Even at the meal, I durst scarce unbuckle and scarce lift
my eyes to her; and it was no sooner over than I fell again to my
civilian, with more seeming abstraction and less understanding than
before. Methought, as I-read, I could hear my heart strike like an
eight-day clock. Hard as I feigned to study, there was still some of my
eyesight that spilled beyond the book upon Catriona. She sat on the
floor by the side of my great mail, and the chimney lighted her up, and
shone and blinked upon her, and made her glow and darken through a
wonder of fine hues. Now she would be gazing in the fire, and then again
at me; and at that I would be plunged in a terror of myself, and turn
the pages of Heineccius like a man looking for the text in church.

Suddenly she called out aloud, "O, why does not my father come?" she
cried, and fell at once into a storm of tears.

I leaped up, flung Heineccius fairly into the fire, ran to her side, and
cast an arm around her sobbing body.

She put me from her sharply. "You do not love your friend," says she. "I
could be so happy too, if you would let me!" And then, "O, what will I
have done that you should hate me so?"

"Hate you!" cries I, and held her firm. "You blind lass, can you not see
a little in my wretched heart? Do you think when I set there, reading in
that fool-book that I have just burned and be damned to it, I take ever
the least thought of any stricken thing but just yourself? Night after
night I could have grat to see you sitting there your lone. And what was
I to do? You are here under my honour; would you punish me for that? Is
it for that that you would spurn a loving servant?"

At the word, with a small, sudden motion, she clung near to me. I raised
her face to mine, I kissed it, and she bowed her brow upon my bosom,
clasping me tight. I sat in a mere whirl like a man drunken. Then I
heard her voice sound very small and muffled in my clothes.

"Did you kiss her truly?" she asked.

There went through me so great a heave of surprise that I was all shook
with it.

"Miss Grant!" I cried, all in a disorder. "Yes, I asked her to kiss me
good-bye, the which she did."

"Ah, well!" said she, "you have kissed me too, at all events."

At the strangeness and sweetness of that word, I saw where we had
fallen; rose, and set her on her feet.

"This will never do," said I. "This will never, never do. O Catrine,
Catrine!" Then there came a pause in which I was debarred from any
speaking. And then, "Go away to your bed," said I. "Go away to your bed
and leave me."

She turned to obey me like a little child, and the next I knew of it,
had stopped in the very doorway.

"Good night, Davie!" said she.

"And O, good night, my love!" I cried, with a great outbreak of my soul,
and caught her to me again, so that it seemed I must have broken her.
The next moment I had thrust her from the room, shut to the door even
with violence, and stood alone.

The milk was spilt now, the word was out and the truth told. I had crept
like an untrusty man into the poor maid's affections; she was in my hand
like any frail, innocent thing to make or mar; and what weapon of
defence was left me? It seemed like a symbol that Heinoccius, my old
protection, was now burned. I repented, yet could not find it in my
heart to blame myself for that great failure. It seemed not possible to
have resisted the boldness of her innocence or that last temptation of
her weeping. And all that I had to excuse me did but make my sin appear
the greater--it was upon a nature so defenceless, and with such
advantages of the position, that I seemed to have practised.

What was to become of us now? It seemed we could no longer dwell in the
one place. But where was I to go? or where she? Without either choice or
fault of ours, life had conspired to wall us together in that narrow
place. I had a wild thought of marrying out of hand; and the next moment
put it from me with revolt. She was a child, she could not tell her own
heart; I had surprised her weakness, I must never go on to build on that
surprisal; I must keep her not only clear of reproach, but free as she
had come to me.

Down I sat before the fire, and reflected, and repented, and beat my
brains in vain for any means of escape. About two of the morning, there
were three red embers left and the house and all the city was asleep,
when I was aware of a small sound of weeping in the next room. She
thought that I slept, the poor soul; she regretted her weakness--and
what perhaps (God help her!) she called her forwardness--and in the dead
of the night solaced herself with tears. Tender and bitter feelings,
love and penitence and pity struggled in my soul; it seemed I was under
bond to heal that weeping.

"O, try to forgive me!" I cried out, "try, try to forgive me. Let us
forget it all, let us try if we'll no can forget it!"

There came no answer, but the sobbing ceased. I stood a long while with
my hands still clasped as I had spoken; then the cold of the night laid
hold upon me with a shudder, and I think my reason reawakened.

"You can make no hand of this, Davie," thinks I. "To bed with you like a
wise lad, and try if you can sleep. To-morrow you may see your way."

Robert Louis Stevenson

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