Only why should it be with pain at all Why must I 'twix the leaves
of corona! Put any kiss of pardon on thy brow? Why should the
other women know so much, And talk together -Such the look and
such The smile he used to love with, then as now. -Any Wife to
SCENE -A Naini Tal dinner for thirty-four. Plate, wines, crockery,
and khitmatgars care fully calculated to scale of Rs. 6000 per
mensem, less Exchange. Table split lengthways by bank of
MRS. HERRIOTT. (After conversation has risen to proper pitch.)
Ah! 'Didn't see you in the crush in the drawing-room. (Sotto voce.)
Where have you been all this while, Pip?
CAPTAIN GADSBY. (Turning from regularly ordained dinner
partner and settling hock glasses.) Good evening. (Sotto voce.)
Not quite so loud another time. You've no notion how your voice
carries. (Aside.) So much for shirking the written explanation. It'll
have to be a verbal one now. Sweet prospect! How on earth am I
to tell her that I am a respectable, engaged member of society and
it's all over between us?
MRS. H. I've a heavy score against you. Where were you at the
Monday Pop? Where were you on Tuesday? Where were you at
the Lamonts' tennis? I was looking everywhere.
CAPT. G. For me! Oh, I was alive somewhere, I suppose.
(Aside.) It's for Minnie's sake, but it's going to be dashed
MRS. H. Have I done anything to offend you? I never meant it if I
have. I couldn't help going for a ride with the Vaynor man. It was
promised a week before you came up.
CAPT. G. I didn't know-
MRS. H. It really was.
CAPT. G. Anything about it, I mean.
MRS. H. What has upset you today? All these days? You haven't
been near me for four whole days-nearly one hundred hours. Was
it kind of you, Pip? And I've been looking forward so much to
CAPT. G. Have you?
MRS. H. You know I have! I've been as foolish as a schoolgirl
about it. I made a little calendar and put it in my card-case, and
every time the twelve o'clock gun went off I scratched out a square
and said: "That brings me nearer to Pip. My Pip!"
CAPT. G. (With an uneasy laugh). What will Mackler think if you
neglect him so?
MRS. H. And it hasn't brought you nearer. You seem farther away
than ever. Are you sulking about something? I know your temper.
CAPT. G. No.
MRS. H. Have I grown old in' the last few months, then? (Reaches
forward to bank of flowers for menu-card.)
PARTNER ON LEFT. Allow me. (Hands menu-card. MRS. H.
keeps her arm at full stretch for three seconds.)
MRS. H. (To partner.) Oh, thanks. I didn't see. (Turns right again.)
Is anything in me changed at all?
CAPT. G. For Goodness's sake go on with your dinner! You must
eat something. Try one of those cutlet arrangements. (Aside.)
And I fancied she had good shoulders, once upon a time! What an
ass a man can make of himself!
MRS. H. (Helping herself to a paper frill, seven peas, some
stamped carrots and a spoonful of gravy.) That isn't an answer.
Tell me whether I have done anything.
CAPT. G. (Aside.) If it isn't ended here there will be a ghastly
scene some- where else. If only I'd written to her and stood the
racket-at long range! (To Khitmatgar.) Han! Simpkin do. (Aloud.)
I'll tell you later on.
MRS. H. Tell me now. It must be some foolish misunderstanding,
and you know that there was to be nothing of that sort between us.
We) of all people in the world, can't afford it. Is it the Vaynor
man, and don't you like to say so? On my honor-CAPT. G. I haven't
given the Vaynor man a thought.
MRS. H. But how d'you know that I haven't?
CAPT. G. (Aside.) Here's my chance and may the Devil help me
through with it. (Aloud and measuredly.) Believe me, I do not care
how often or how tenderly you think of the Vaynor man.
MRS. H. I wonder if you mean that! Oh, what is the good of
squabbling and pretending to misunderstand when you are only up
for so short a time? Pip, don't be a stupid!
Follows a pause, during which he crosses his left leg over his right
and continues his dinner.
CAPT. G. (In answer to the thunderstorm in her eyes.) Corns-my
MRS. H. Upon my word, you are the very rudest man in the
world! I'll never do it again.
CAPT. G. (Aside.) No, I don't think you will; but I wonder what
you will do before it's all over. (To Khitmatgar.) Thorah ur
MRS. H. Well! Haven't you the grace to apologize, bad man?
CAPT. G. (Aside.) I mustn't let it drift back now. Trust a woman
for being as blind as a bat when she won't see.
MRS. H. I'm waiting; or would you like me to dictate a form of
CAPT. G. (Desperately.) By all means dictate.
MRS. H. (Lightly.) Very well. Rehearse your several Christian
names after me and go on: "Profess my sincere repentance."
CAPT. G. "Sincere repentance."
MRS. H. "For having behaved"-
CAPT. G. (Aside.) At last! I wish to Goodness she'd look away.
"For having behaved"-as I have behaved, and declare that I am
thoroughly and heartily sick of the whole business, and take this
opportunity of making clear my intention of ending it, now,
henceforward, and forever. (Aside.) If any one had told me I
should be such a blackguard!-
MRS. H. (Shaking a spoonful of potato chips into her plate.) That's
not a pretty joke.
CAPT. G. No. It's a reality. (Aside.) I wonder if smashes of this
kind are always so raw.
MRS. H. Really, Pip, you're getting more absurd every day.
CAPT. G. I don't think you quite understand me. Shall I repeat it?
MRS. H. No! For pity's sake don't do that. It's too terrible, even in
CAPT. G. I'll let her think it over for a while. But I ought to be
MRS. H. I want to know what you meant by what you said just
CAPT. G. Exactly what I said. No less.
MRS. H. But what have I done to deserve it? What have I done?
CAPT. G. (Aside.) If she only wouldn't look at me. (Aloud and
very slowly, his eyes on his plate.) D'you remember that evening
in July, before the Rains broke, when you said that the end would
have to come sooner or later-and you wondered for which of US it
would come first?
MRS. H. Yes! I was only joking. And you swore that, as long as
there was breath in your body, it should never come. And I
CAPT. G. (Fingering menu-card.) Well, it has. That's all.
A long pause, during which MRS. H. bows her head and rolls the
bread-twist into little pellets; G. stares at the oleanders.
MRS. H. (Throwing back her head and laughing naturally.) They
train us women well, don't they, Pip?
CAPT. G. (Brutally, touching shirt-stud.) So far as the expression
goes. (Aside.) It isn't in her nature to take things quietly. There'll
be an explosion yet.
MRS. H. (With a shudder.) Thank you. B-but even Red Indians
allow people to wriggle when they're being tortured, I believe.
(Slips fan from girdle and fans slowly: rim of fan level with chin.)
PARTNER ON LEFT. Very close tonight, isn't it? 'You find it too
much for you?
MRS. H. Oh, no, not in the least. But they really ought to have
punkahs, even in your cool Naini Tal, oughtn't they? (Turns,
dropping fan and raising eyebrows.)
CAPT. G. It's all right. (Aside.) Here comes the storm!
MRS. H. (Her eyes on the tablecloth: fan ready in right hand.) It
was very cleverly managed, Pip, and I congratulate you. You
swore-you never contented yourself with merely Saying a
thing-you swore that, as far as lay in your power, you'd make my
wretched life pleasant for me. And you've denied me the
consolation of breaking down. I should have done it-indeed I
should. A woman would hardly have thought of this refinement,
my kind, considerate friend. (Fan-guard as before.) You have
explained things so tenderly and truthfully, too! You haven't
spoken or written a word of warning, and you have let me believe
in you till the last minute. You haven't condescended to give me
your reason yet. No! A woman could not have managed it half so
well. Are there many men like you in the world?
CAPT. G. I'm sure I don't know. (To Khitmatgar.) Ohe! Simpkin
MRS. H. You call yourself a man of the world, don't you? Do men
of the world behave like Devils when they a woman the honor to
get tired of her?
CAPT. G. I'm sure I don't know. Don't speak so loud!
MRS. H. Keep us respectable, O Lord, whatever happens. Don't
be afraid of my compromising you. You've chosen your ground far
too well, and I've been properly brought up. (Lowering fan.)
Haven't you any pity, Pip, except for yourself?
CAPT. G. Wouldn't it be rather impertinent of me to say that I'm
sorry for you?
MRS. H. I think you have said it once or twice before. You're
growing very careful of my feelings. My God, Pip, I was a good
woman once! You said I was. You've made me what I am. What
are you going to do with me? What are you going to do with me?
Won't you say that you are sorry? (Helps herself to iced asparagus.)
CAPT. G. I am sorry for you, if you Want the pity of such a brute
as I am. I'm awf'ly sorry for you.
MRS. H. Rather tame for a man of the world. Do you think that
that admission clears you?
CAPT. G. What can I do? I can only tell you what I think of
myself. You can't think worse than that?
MRS. H. Oh, yes, I can! And now, will you tell me the reason of
all this? Remorse? Has Bayard been suddenly conscience-
CAPT. G. (Angrily, his eyes still lowered.) No! The thing has
come to an end on my side. That's all. Mafisch!
MRS. H. "That's all. Mafisch!" As though I were a Cairene
Dragoman. You used to make prettier speeches. D'you remember
when you said?-
CAPT. G. For Heaven's sake don't bring that back! Call me
anything you like and I'll admit it-
MRS. H. But you don't care to be reminded of old lies? If I could
hope to hurt you one-tenth as much as you have hurt me
to-night-No, I wouldn't-I couldn't do it-liar though you are.
CAPT. G. I've spoken the truth.
MRS. H. My dear Sir, you flatter yourself. You have lied over the
reason. Pip, remember that I know you as you don't know
yourself. You have heen everything to me, though you are-
(Fan-guard.) Oh, what a contemptible Thing it is! And so you are
merely tired of me?
CAPT. G. Since you insist upon my repeating it-Yes.
Mas. H. Lie the first. I wish I knew a coarser word. Lie seems so
in-effectual in your case. The fire has just died out and there is no
fresh one? Think for a minute, Pip, if you care whether I despise
you more than I do. Simply Mafisch, is it?
CAPT. G. Yes. (Aside.) I think I deserve this.
MRS. H. Lie number two. Before the next glass chokes you, tell
CAPT. G. (Aside.) I'll make her pay for dragging Minnie into the
business! (Aloud.) Is it likely?
MRS. H. Very likely if you thought that it would flatter your
vanity. You'd cry my name on the house-tops to make people turn
CAPT. G. I wish I had. There would have been an end to this
MRS. H. Oh, no, there would not-And so you were going to be
virtuous and blase', were you? To come to me and say: "I've done
with you. The incident is clo-osed." I ought to be proud of having
kept such a man so long.
CAPT. G. (Aside.) It only remains to pray for the end of the
dinner. (Aloud.) You know what I think of myself.
MRS. H. As it's the only person in he world you ever do think of,
and as I know your mind thoroughly, I do. Vou want to get it all
over and-Oh, I can't keep you back! And you're going-think of it,
Pip-to throw me over for another woman. And you swore that all
other women were-Pip, my Pip! She can't care for you as I do.
Believe me, she can't. Is it any one that I know?
CAPT. G. Thank Goodness it isn't. (Aside.) I expected a cyclone,
but not an earthquake.
MRS. H. She can't! Is there anything that I wouldn't do for you-or
haven't done? And to think that I should take this trouble over you,
knowing what you are! Do you despise me for it?
CAPT. G. (Wiping his mouth to hide a smile.) Again? It's entirely
a work of charity on your part.
MRS. H. Ahhh! But I have no right to resent it.-Is she better-
looking than I? Who was it said?-
CAPT. G. No-not that!
MRS. H. I'll be more merciful than you were. Don't you know that
all women are alike?
CAPT. G. (Aside.) Then this is the exception that proves the rule.
MRS. H. All of them! I'll tell you anything you like. I will, upon
my word! They only want the admiration-from anybody-no matter
who-anybody! But there is always one man that they care for more
than any one else in the world, and would sacrifice all the others
to. Oh, do listen! I've kept the Vaynor man trotting after me like a
poodle, and he believes that he is the only man I am interested in.
I'll tell you what he said to me.
CAPT. G. Spare him. (Aside.) I wonder what his version is.
MRS. H. He's been waiting for me to look at him all through
dinner. Shall I do it, and you can see what an idiot he looks?
CAPT. G. "But what imports the nomination of this gentleman?"
MRS. H. Watch! (Sends a glance to the Vaynor man, who tries
vainly to combine a mouthful of ice pudding, a smirk of
self-satisfaction, a glare of intense devotion, and the stolidity of a
Bntish dining countenance.)
CAPT. G. (Critically.) He doesn't look pretty. Why didn't you
wait till the spoon was out of his mouth?
MRS. H. To amuse you. She'll make an exhibition of you as I've
made of him; and people will laugh at you. Oh, Pip, can't you see
that? It's as plain as the noonday Sun. You'll be trotted about and
told lies, and made a fool of like the others. j never made a fool of
you, did I?
CAPT. G. (Aside.) What a clever little woman it is!
MRS. H. Well, what have you to say?
CAPT. G. I feel better.
MRS. H. Yes, I suppose so, after I have come down to your level.
I couldn't have done it if I hadn't cared for you so much. I have
spoken the truth.
CAPT. G. It doesn't alter the situation.
MRS. H. (Passionately.) Then she has said that she cares for you!
Don't believe her, Pip. It's a lie-as bad as yours to me!
CAPT. G. Ssssteady! I've a notion that a friend of yours is looking
MRS. H. He! I hate him. He introduced you to me.
CAPT. G. (Aside.) And some people would like women to assist
in making the laws. Introduction to imply condonement. (Aloud.)
Well, you see, if you can remember so far back as that, I couldn't,
in' common politeness, refuse the offer.
MRS. H. In common politeness I We have got beyond that!
CAPT. G. (Aside.) Old ground means fresh trouble. (Aloud.) On
MRS. H. Your what? Ha, ha!
CAPT. G. Dishonor, then. She's not what you imagine. I meant to-
MRS. H. Don't tell me anything about her! She won't care for you,
and when you come back, after having made an exhibition of
yourself, you'll find me occupied with-
CAPT. G. (Insolently.) You couldn't while I am alive. (Aside.) If
that doesn't bring her pride to her rescue, nothing will.
MRS. H. (Drawing herself up.) Couldn't do it? I' (Softening.)
You're right. I don't believe I could-though you are what you are-a
coward and a liar in grain.
CAPT. G. It doesn't hurt so much after your little lecture-with
MRS. H. One mass of vanity! Will nothing ever touch you in this
life? There must be a Hereafter if it's only
for the benefit of-But you will have it all to yourself.
CAPT. G. (Under his eyebrows.) Are you certain of that?
MRS. H. I shall have had mine in this life; and it will serve me
CAPT. G. But the admiration that you insisted on so strongly a
moment ago? (Aside.) Oh, I am a brute!
MRS. H. (Fiercely.) Will that con-sole me for knowing that you
will go to her with the same words, the same arguments, and
the-the same pet names you used to me? And if she cares for you,
you two will laugh over my story. Won't that be punishment heavy
enough even for me-even for me?-And it's all useless. That's
CAPT. G. (Feebly.) Oh, come! I'm not so low as you think.
MRS. H. Not now, perhaps, but you will be. Oh, Pip, if a woman
flatters your vanity, there's nothing on earth that you would not tell
her; and no meanness that you would not do. Have I known you so
long without knowing that?
CAPT. G. If you can trust me in nothing else-and I don't see why I
should be trusted-you can count upon my holding my tongue.
MRS. H. If you denied everything you've said this evening and
declared it was all in' fun (a long pause), I'd trust you. Not
otherwise. All I ask is, don't tell her my name. Please don't. A man
might forget: a woman never would. (Looks up table and sees
hostess beginning to collect eyes.) So it's all ended, through no
fault of mine-Haven't I behaved beautifully? I've accepted your
dismissal, and you managed it as cruelly as you could, and I have
made you respect my sex, haven't I? (Arranging gloves and fan.) I
only pray that she'll know you some day as I know you now. I
wouldn't be you then, for I think even your conceit will be hurt. I
hope she'll pay you back the humiliation you've brought on me. I
hope- No. I don't! I can't give you up! I must have something to
look forward to or I shall go crazy. When it's all over, come back
to me, come back to me, and you'll find that you're my Pip still!
CAPT. G. (Very clearly.) False move, and you pay for it. It's a girl!
MRS. H. (Rising.) Then it was true! They said-but I wouldn't insult
you by asking. A girl! I was a girl not very long ago. Be good to
her, Pip. I daresay she believes in' you.
Goes out with an uncertain smile. He watches her through the
door, and settles into a chair as the men redistribute themselves.
CAPT. G. Now, if there is any Power who looks after this world,
will He kindly tell me what I have done? (Reaching out for the
claret, and half aloud.) What have I done?