****ing with the poem,
while I go a little bit crazier
every time I fall into sleep.
I've seen things in my dreams
that would make other men weep,
repent and redeem.
but that ain't me
I'm wretched and weak,
so I seek relief on the blank sheet
filling the leaf til the ink starts to bleed
the words merge
I cry but I'll never be heard
Her hair was like a flowing cascade and her breasts were real awesome also.
My ***** Better Have My Money by Fly Guy
My ***** better have my money.
Through rain, sleet, or snow,
my ho better have my money.
Not half, not some, but all my cash.
Because if she don't, I'll put my foot dead in her ***.
Pretty cool. I like your approach to poetry.
"I have never found the companion that was so companionable as solitude." - Henry David Thoreau
This reader agrees with doxy to a limited extent. He likes your approach to poetry. Something about the essence of it, or where you start from, feels right. More right than most his reads on here. And sometimes you shape a phrase or idea that is uncanny and positively inspired.
That said, this reader didn't like the way this poem turned out.
The effect of the rhyme just isn't good. This reader thinks he mostly sees the poet's struggle to rhyme and not the actual poem itself.****ing with the poem,
while I go a little bit crazier
every time I fall into sleep.
I've seen things in my dreams
that would make other men weep,
repent and redeem.
In the first part (as divided up by Jack of Hearts, not the author), it seems that narrator is still working with a poem in his head before he goes to sleep. This makes 'him' crazy, but how or why is not described. It's left to implication and that doesn't do the poem any favors.
The last three or four lines (especially the last three) contain that terrible, self conscious rhyme scheme and a degree of posturing. The narrator sees these awful things that only he has the fortitude to handle, because he's really been through it man, and you all haven't-- that's what it reads like. It's unconvincing because none of this horror has been demonstrated in the poem. It's just some random voice essentially saying 'I'm tougher than anyone else!' aka the Chiuahaha Effect.
The other half seems to be set up in opposition to the first. The rhyme is really conspicuous here and probably not giving the effect you wanted. The nature of making the claim 'I'm wretched and I'm weak' is precisely that of the opposing claim in the first half. It's inauthentic. The reader doesn't buy into the emotion it would take to make this claim, either in the first order (the narrative of the poem), or the second order (the actual construction of the poem). Even though we have reason to believe that the narrator is manic/disingenuous, if that factor is what's being played to then it's very bluntly done and yearns for refinement.but that ain't me
I'm wretched and weak,
so I seek relief on the blank sheet
filling the leaf til the ink starts to bleed
the words merge
I cry but I'll never be heard
The last line is awful.
This poem shines in where it comes from, some visceral place, and the fact that it wants to communicate something (and this may be the most important part!). But the clumsy use of language and the lack of intrigue/subtlety are its undoing, in Jack of Hearts' opinion.
J
Writing is not a cleansing effort. Rather it is a refinement of life.
The quote is in bad taste
What quote? And why can't writing be a cleansing effort? And wouldn't cleansing be refining one's life? Did you think about any of this before writing your post?Originally Posted by sadhana
I dig what you're saying. It ends up self-involved, and I fail to express the full idea.
Her hair was like a flowing cascade and her breasts were real awesome also.
My ***** Better Have My Money by Fly Guy
My ***** better have my money.
Through rain, sleet, or snow,
my ho better have my money.
Not half, not some, but all my cash.
Because if she don't, I'll put my foot dead in her ***.
This is good. The double entendre of "blank sheet" is intriguing.
"But do you really, seriously, Major Scobie," Dr. Sykes asked, "believe in hell?"
"In flames and torment?""Oh, yes, I do."
"That sort of hell wouldn't worry me," Fellowes said."Perhaps not quite that. They tell us it may be a permanent sense of loss."
"Perhaps you've never lost anything of importance," Scobie said.
This appeals to me, like your last one did. You could get rid of the last 2 lines and the piece would improve. The simplicity and bleakness and the confessional style has a resonance for me.
That is a strong statement...
Buy the Ticket, take the Ride...
What double entendre?
"the blank sheet" as a sheet of paper:
filling the leaf til the ink starts to bleed
the words merge
...And "The Blank Sheet" as a bedsheet where ****ing with the poem occurs.
"But do you really, seriously, Major Scobie," Dr. Sykes asked, "believe in hell?"
"In flames and torment?""Oh, yes, I do."
"That sort of hell wouldn't worry me," Fellowes said."Perhaps not quite that. They tell us it may be a permanent sense of loss."
"Perhaps you've never lost anything of importance," Scobie said.
You gave me an idea. Literally copulating with the poem.
****ing with the poem
a mutual masturbation
I fill her up, with my words
gentle yet stern
and she gives me release
****ing with the poem
when I'm done
I wipe off on the sheet
Last edited by E.A Rumfield; 09-17-2012 at 10:11 PM.
Her hair was like a flowing cascade and her breasts were real awesome also.
My ***** Better Have My Money by Fly Guy
My ***** better have my money.
Through rain, sleet, or snow,
my ho better have my money.
Not half, not some, but all my cash.
Because if she don't, I'll put my foot dead in her ***.
No need to be patronizing. Anyways, I still don't buy it. Blank sheet = bed sheet. Okay. So he's "filling" the bed sheet? Maybe if he said staining, I'd agree . . . but how do you fill a bed sheet? I think it works better as a metaphor for masturbation, but maybe that's what you mean (though I wouldn't know, since you seem loath to put more then a few rods in a post).
Edit: it looks like Rumfield didn't catch the double entendre in the first place, either.
Last edited by Mutatis-Mutandis; 09-17-2012 at 10:13 PM.
I meant ****ing with the poem in the slang. Messing, experimenting with.
The blank sheet is a piece of loose leaf I suppose. Leaf another term for paper. If you write enough the ink starts to bleed. I don't know.
Last edited by E.A Rumfield; 09-17-2012 at 10:16 PM.
Her hair was like a flowing cascade and her breasts were real awesome also.
My ***** Better Have My Money by Fly Guy
My ***** better have my money.
Through rain, sleet, or snow,
my ho better have my money.
Not half, not some, but all my cash.
Because if she don't, I'll put my foot dead in her ***.
That was the initial meaning I took.
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