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Thread: similie night.

  1. #1
    It wasn't me Jerrybaldy's Avatar
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    similie night.

    The sun went down like a crackhead on a whore,
    with colours hallucinated by a ditched bride
    afloat in pink bath water,
    carving `jilted` in her arms
    with French manicured nails.
    The night set in killing light like cancer
    blackening cells
    within your favourite relative
    or television celebrity.
    I pulled the curtains shut
    like a west end tragedy
    matinee performance
    on a drizzle soaked Wednesday afternoon,
    where the pavements have messages
    within bubble gum hieroglyphs
    and buses streak red through towers of grey,
    whilst men carry moats within rims of bowler hats.
    I fell to sleep like a magicians assistant,
    stepping into a cabinet
    to emerge behind the audience sucking
    on a flaming lollipop.
    Everybody talks about a new world in the morning.
    Last edited by Jerrybaldy; 03-27-2014 at 01:23 PM.

    For those who believe,
    no explanation is necessary.
    For those who do not,
    none will suffice.

  2. #2
    Registered User prendrelemick's Avatar
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    It's like a poem that's good.
    ay up

  3. #3
    Registered User Delta40's Avatar
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    Bubblegum hieroglyphs is good. Snappy and it all comes out beautifully in the wash.
    Before sunlight can shine through a window, the blinds must be raised - American Proverb

  4. #4
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    Ditch the first five lines. They're really a bit ott in that they read like a parody, and I keep fighting the urge to laugh. The rest of the poem is rather good.

    Live and be well - H

  5. #5
    Registered User 2X2E5's Avatar
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    Beautiful! Love it.
    I once had fun. It was awful. - Grumpy Cat

  6. #6
    All are at the crossroads qimissung's Avatar
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    Haha. I did not laugh at the first five lines, but still, I agree with Hawkman, that that's when it gets good. Love the title.
    "The important thing is not to stop questioning. Curiosity has its' own reason for existing." ~ Albert Einstein
    "Remember, no matter where you go, there you are." Buckaroo Bonzai
    "Some people say I done alright for a girl." Melanie Safka

  7. #7
    a dark soul Haunted's Avatar
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    I have no problem with the first 5 lines, the first line is actually quite spot on, and it's very you. If you want some variety, then it would not be a bad idea to drop those lines as others suggested. "The night set in killing light like cancer" is just as a compelling start, and the rest goes from good to awesome.

    "But do you really, seriously, Major Scobie," Dr. Sykes asked, "believe in hell?"
    "Oh, yes, I do."
    "In flames and torment?"
    "Perhaps not quite that. They tell us it may be a permanent sense of loss."
    "That sort of hell wouldn't worry me," Fellowes said.
    "Perhaps you've never lost anything of importance," Scobie said.

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