Nice. Strange how the reading was consoling despite the cold gravestones and names and the bitter truth of death. The beginning was unusual with a conjunction but it seems to really fit the tone and the connotation (in the way I understand it) of the poem. Now I am thinking about the role of the squirrels.
I'm on my phone and I can't see the intended line breaks, so I'll read it when I get home.
Thank you Themis and D-B (I have a hard time actually saying your name. ). I appreciate both your thoughts.
I liked the gravestone inscriptions. They were meditative, trancelike. It drew me into the sombre autumn world you created. Setting it in a graveyard was a fine choice. You illustrated the dying summer and a hope for new life in spring well by elegantly touring us through it. The repetition of the words "fallen leaves" sounded really nice and it was a fitting symbol. I liked the use of religious imagery and Italian or at least European sounding names. It reminded me of romanticism… I enjoyed the poem. The rhythm read like a calm walking pace. It was atmospheric. The ending was perfect.
Sorry, I can't say much about this. I do like the idea but I would rather see it played out in a short story. I liked the first two stanza because I could just imagine the scene. Maybe I didn't expect a 'graveyard-poem' afterwards and that's why I'm not too taken with it. The names on the graves seem a bit random to me and I'm not sure why they stand out to the narrator.
Thank you Prince. You are right about the dangling modifyer. How silly of me.
Other than the dangling modifier in l 2 of v 3, I was rivetted on this. The quiet accumulation of detail seemed perfectly to replicate the thoughtful meandering of the narrator through the cemetery and by implication through life and death. One point that others had trouble with: even if I had not felt the title was implicit with the opening "and" I would have accepted that "and" as indicative of the fact that this poem, and possibly every one, is something of a postscript to something that came before it. The inclusion of gravestone details is a haunting detail, a tribute to those who could not actually be present on that day but who will always be remembered by the occasional mindful visitor. They are, too, something of a memento mori. Bravo!
Thank you Wispy. All comments are much appreciated.
Do keep writing, Virgil. I thought it was a very close contest. Look at all of these comments! Clearly, your writing is much appreciated. There will be no "zapping" (as you called it) of this poem-- I'm no good at zapping to begin with! I thought the poem was very well done. I do agree most with Becca-- I did feel a bit detached from the listing of the names and dates on the tombstones after it was contrasted with the very lovely imagery of autumnal nature. However, I would leave them. There are many instances, and I feel like this is one of them, in which there is some part of the poem that you connect with deeply while others, having missed the moment, have a harder time reaching it. You were having a moment when you wrote this, and what is here is raw memory. As a poem about autumn, it fulfilled its purpose for me: it made me want to bundle up in blankets with a mug of cocoa and inhale the sweet, crisp autumn air, while I daydreamed of handsome October in the chair.
Thanks Pen, Haunted, and Paper. All your comments are much appreciated.
p.s. Virgil, I used to begin all of my poems with the word "and" a few years back, and I have a certain appreciation for how you began this one ^_^
Originally Posted by Virgil Haunted thank you much. I think you got it perfectly. I think I'm going to leave it just the way it is. I've been reading it a number of times and I think it's one of best. It does resonate in many ways. It really does. I wouldn't tinker with it. The names, the digits, all that make this poem special. It's not the typical, run-of-the-mill construction with lines ending the same length, this poem is carefully punctuated with short, abrupt lines that stop you and make you think about that other autumn... I can definitely relate to this poem. So yes, please leave it just the way it is!
Well, Virgil, the others have told you the same thing I would say: Those headstone readings do not fit the rest of the poem, which is energetic and flowing with good imagery otherwise. It would have drawn my vote without those names and dates. Hope this helps. Pen
Thank you Qimi.
I kind of like what Becca and andave_ya said. Other than that I enjoyed your poem quite a lot. I love walking through cemeteries, especially old ones, and the connections you made between the squirrels, the gravestones, the autumn day were deliriously beautiful. I especially loved the way you chose to end it. Brilliant.
Haunted thank you much. I think you got it perfectly. I think I'm going to leave it just the way it is. I've been reading it a number of times and I think it's one of best. It does resonate in many ways.
Virgil, this is so beautifully done. I always have a thing for cemeteries so I'm immediately taken in by the theme. I like the way you take our eyes from above to below: blackbirds, acorns, squirrels, leaves, shadows, feet. That parallels life's highs and the inevitable downturn as we return as dust and settling back in the earth. Your seasonal imagery transitions seamlessly to the seasons of life. From moments of "acorns dropping", "little critters in a dash", time slows down: "the flesh wilts, goes dim, dwindles down / bones slowly change color..." and then it slows down even more, now to a whole lifetime: 1897 – 1946; 1926 – 1999, etc. I got a bit lost once I got to the mausoleums. I didn't mind it though. I wouldn't know how to end this poem as well as you did. I saw some comments about starting the poem with "and", but that's the point, isn't it, the endless cycle. It didn't just start, it started way back then, you just picked it up where you found it. I totally enjoyed this, I'm not much for nature writing, but this piece is mixed with strong human interest and in a personal sense, it's good therapy reading this. I'd have missed it if you hadn't blogged it. Thanks!
Well, thank you for your thoughts Kevin, Becca, and M-H. M-H: Now you've got me thinking if all my themes are on passing and death. I didn't think so but I'll have to go and look back at my other work. You might be right. Quite a few come to mind.
I always feel that each season is so full of life. I know that death is often associated with autumn, but I don't feel that way about it. I think it's a very busy time of preparation and that there is a great deal of life going on. I felt like that was expressed with the squirrels, so happy and busy. I also felt like this was in contrast with the narrator's own mood as he looked at the names and dates on the stones. When I first read this poem it was at this point that I thought it could be yours. It just made me think of a short story you wrote not too long ago. They both seemed to deal with the passing of time and life. I like this theme and I think you do it well. The “all gold is really just sand” was my favorite line and I think it went very well with the closing. It felt sad, but I liked your poem.
I love the overall imagery of your poem, and the way it flows. I am no critic, but the one thing I disliked about it (and dislike is too strong of a word) is that I found there was a bit of a disconnect between the imagery of the animals and the plants vs. the names/date of tombstones, the mausoleum, etc. I agree with Andave's suggestion that italics might help that issue, though.
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