Shannanigan's Search for More...

Well, I got the phone call this morning, and my stepfather's mother has "passed away," as my boyfriend so cautiously put it.

I find it strange that I seem to not be affected by death, but this might be because I have never had anyone extremely close to me die. I still have all four of my grandparents; and my stepfather's mother, well, I only met her about two years ago...and we didn't spend a whole lot of time together.

About two years ago a girl who went to my high school died in a car accident. It was horrible; she had swerved to miss a car that turned in front of her at an intersection, and the car just skidded right off the road and over the dock that runs alongside it. She was unconscious, and her friend in the car tried to unbuckle her to get her out, but the buckle was stuck. She was a senior and was supposed to graduate in just a few months, and she was a great kid who tutored and mentored younger students...

but even then, though I was sad to see such promise be pulled from this earth, I didn't really cry or mourn.

Even when I was a kid and my longtime babysitter, who had pretty much raised me from when I was an infant, died of cancer, I was sad...but understanding. I knew somehow that everyone had to go sometime, and this had just been her time.

Today I feel bad, because I know that my mother and stepfather are probably at his mother's house, crying and consoling themselves among his sisters. I don't think they're foolish to be sad, they have every right to miss her, she was their mother who had loved them and always taken care of them, a good mother...but I just personally feel no need to let anything out. I soent time with her, and she was wonderful, but so are many many people in this world and every one of thim will die some day. While the world stops for the people who mourn for her today and in the next few days, the rest of the world continues on, people on this site go to work, school, run errands, post, and do what they do because they're all across the world and are not affected by this death. Even people on this very same tiny island will continue; my classes will not be cancelled, there will be no "moments of silence," and I still have to turn in all that homework.

I feel guilty that I am not sad, that I can't bring myself to shed a tear...but I've got so much life in me that the death of someone who has lived her life and who knew that her time was limited just doesn't slow me down. I'm not going to get into the fact that she may have lasted longer without the prodding from her daughters or with the help of my mother and stepfather, because it's over now, what's done is done...and if there is anything that you can't undo it is death.