Off My Game

"I'm of my game," the golfer said,
And shook his locks in woe;
"My putter never lays me dead,
My drives will never go;
Howe'er I swing, howe'er I stand,
Results are still the same,
I'm in the burn, I'm in the sand -
I'm off my game!

"Oh, would that such mishaps might fall
On Laidlay or Macfie,
That they might toe or heel the ball,
And sclaff along like me!
Men hurry from me in the street,
And execrate my name,
Old partners shun me when we meet -
I'm off my game!

"Why is it that I play at all?
Let memory remind me
How once I smote upon my ball,
And bunkered it--BEHIND ME.
I mostly slice into the whins,
And my excuse is lame -
It cannot cover half my sins -
I'm off my game!

"I hate the sight of all my set,
I grow morose as Byron;
I never loved a brassey yet,
And now I hate an iron.
My cleek seems merely made to top,
My putting's wild or tame;
It's really time for me to stop -
I'm off my game!"

• About Andrew Lang