Litnet's version of Devil's dictionary

[MystyrMystyry]

I.N. Ernest: First initials and name of our deadly uncle. 'I'm sure it was him put that rat poison in Gran's porridge.'

Computer Games

[Silas Thorne]

Computer games: One means of avoiding internet pornography while on your computer alone, and an excellent way to avoid exercise. Can be used as a temporary substitute for food, drink or sleep, as it induces screen-fixated trances of an indefinite duration.

Transformer

[MystyrMystyry]

Ha! You forgot baths!

Transformer: Devilish toy devised by corporate child-haters, who under the guise of retailing something clever have in fact found the perfect method of not merely stifling an infant's imagination and assisting in their illiteracy, but also how to break things that were not designed to be repaired


Philosophaster

[Pendragon]

Philosophaster The philosopher who crosses the line first

Philosophy

[MystyrMystyry]

Philosophy - the quest for wisdom by those who have none, via studying postulations made by others who also have none


Guiness Book of World Records

[MarkBastable]

Guiness Book of World Records

A list of unlikely extremes and improbable high-tide marks that you didn't even know were considered, let alone documented. For instance, it's apparently a fact that the most often misspelled brand name of a beer is Guinness.

Happy Hour

[MystyrMystyry]

Happy Hour - fleeting period every alcoholic has known at least once, if but only once, within either licensed premises or no, perhaps whilst sipping upon a pot of Guinness porter


Miscellaneous

[Pendragon]

Miscellaneous That part of a hospital or auto repair bill that costs twice as much as all other components combined

Aspirin

[MarkBastable]

We've done aspirin before, but I'll trot it out again...

aspirin - a highly-effective analgesic derived from the bark of the willow, which unlikely provenance is cited as an exemplar of Mother Nature's munificence by any charlatan attempting to sell goat dung as a remedy for athlete's foot or blackberry leaf tea as a cure for cancer


turkey

[MystyrMystyry]

Turkey - the gobbler that we gobble up

(Also that person at a party who is having an extremely boring mental episode, the upshot of which causes them with single-minded determination to systematically isolate and corner everyone to explain themself. 'It's a Turkey! There's one at every party!')

Swan Song

[MystyrMystyry]

Can I answer myself?

If so, the final performance of an acclaimed Hollywood actress of the first half of the Twentieth Century, causing one critic to remark 'A Glorious Swan Song!'

And another ''Twere observ'd by someone other than I that swans sing before they die
But 'pon my word 'twere no bad thing were this bird to die before it sing'

(If not allowable, disrespectul, or anything else you will no doubt think of, by all means carry on)


barbecue?

[Pendragon]

barbecue The prime ingredient in a tailgate party

Lost

[MystyrMystyry]

I hope you're not waiting for me. because:

To be truly lost is to be never found, and is common with most folk I know who feel this way and/or are this way. It's a lifestyle thing borne of the realisation that the sum of any number of pointless achievements over a lengthy period does not one Moon Landing nor Sgt Pepper's make

But having said this, quite often to be lost and never found is a highly desirable state of affairs


civilization

[MarkBastable]

I hope you're not waiting for me. because:

To be truly lost is to be never found, and I in common with most folk I know feel this way and/or are this way. It's a lifestyle thing borne of the realisation that the sum of the achievement of any number of pointless things over a lengthy period does not one Moon Landing make

But having said this, quite often to be lost and never found is a highly desirable state of affairs


civilization

You haven't quite got the hang of this thread, have you?

[MystyrMystyry]

Double Drat and Duel Dammits! Think I've just been found! Better hurriedly alter the wording of my last post, and wait awhile to post an explanation of conveying the sense of 'lost' so it sounds like that was my intention all along. Whew - that should cover my tracks


Also descriptive of the worst literary crime: in story telling, be it novel or television scriptwiting, perpetrated by cowboys desperate to launch a new idea without thinking it through to the end, and neglecting to do so the entire length, in the mistaken belief that it 'shall take care of itself'

Consequently, in an attempt to maintain a semblance of intrigue, new chararcters, motivations, flashbacks and ghosts in the machine are introduced with a spellbinding smoke-and-mirrors rapidity. If you aren't as confused as the 'plot' halfway through and persevere toward the 'end', bewildered by the thousand loose threads and when/if they'll ever neatly tie themselves together, and confounded by your second guessing coming to nought, then you may begin to believe conspiracy theories in subjects of no interest to anyone

It is a story without a story


(Thanks go to My Basketball for forcing a reconsideration)


civilization