I didn't know they offered assistance over the internet as well; thanks, Juniper.
I have been thinking about this and "not being sure" part must be the hardest. Unless one feels sure about it, it must be very hard to speak up.
I didn't know they offered assistance over the internet as well; thanks, Juniper.
I have been thinking about this and "not being sure" part must be the hardest. Unless one feels sure about it, it must be very hard to speak up.
~
"It is not that I am mad; it is only that my head is different from yours.”
~
I'm actually kind of torn on this one. Is it something that has an effect on your current state of health either emotionally or physically? If not I might just try to make my own peace with it and let it go (which may include counseling). If the abuse is having a toll I would definitely seek some kind of counselling.
Then again it really depends on the type of abuse, if this person abused others and if it is still happening today.
Do, or do not. There is no try. - Yoda
We have another letter but considering the sensitivity of the issue, please respect the feelings of the people involved and offer constructive replies.
Thank you:I'm polyamorous. I am in a relationship with two men, and though they are not attracted to each other, they both love me very much, and I them. We've been together for almost 3 years now, and, for the most part, we are happy. I was with one of the guys before I met the other, so our circle of friends knows him as my "boyfriend" and the other guy as "just a friend."
The trouble is, we can't tell many people about our relationship. We've tried hinting to friends, and all reactions have been negative, so we just shut up. It's frustrating for me, as I've always been an open and honest person with my friends and family, and I feel like I'm lying every time I introduce the second guy as my "friend."
My attraction to both men is not purely sexual. I am in love with both, and they both know it. The three of us get along splendidly together; it is the secret-keeping that kills me.
My question is: if I were your daughter/sister/best friend/aunt/neice/grandmother/granddaughter/coworker...whatever...what would you think if you found this out about me? If this idea angers/upsets/disgusts you, please, be honest and descriptive, as I want badly to understand people's aversion to what has become a very happy part of my life.
~
"It is not that I am mad; it is only that my head is different from yours.”
~
I think the reason why most people respond negatively to polyamorous relationships is because of the common-held sterotype that they are abusive/mysoginistic/unnatural, which is complete ignorance due to the fact that I'm sure plenty of people such as the poster are in polyamorous relationships and are just happy. A lot of the negativity derives from ignorance, and just as it is difficult for homosexuals to be open about their relationships, it is difficult for polyamorouists because of negative sterotype.
Either way, I can't exactly give you any useful advice besides my own empathy. If I were a friend of yours, I would certainly not react negatively, especially since it has become a very happy part of your life, in fact I would be very happy that you have two men that love and care for you.
You know, that's one thing I don't understand towards people who are unable to tolerate those of different sexual practice or orientation, if he/she is happy with their partner(s), than why fret and have offensive comments/attitudes?
The Moments of Dominion
That happen on the Soul
And leave it with a Discontent
Too exquisite — to tell —
-Emily Dickinson
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TVW8GCnr9-I
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ckGIvr6WVw4
I'm pretty open-minded when it comes to polygynandry. If I were your sister/friend, I'd be cool with it. As long as you're happy, then I wouldn't care.
If you told your family and friends, they'd probably get used to it. It's a gamble, though. I know kids who have told their parents that they're gay, and it caused some problems. You have to decide whether the secrecy bothers you enough to take the risk.
__________________
"Personal note: When I was a little kid my mother told me not to stare into the sun. So once when I was six, I did. At first the brightness was overwhelming, but I had seen that before. I kept looking, forcing myself not to blink, and then the brightness began to dissolve. My pupils shrunk to pinholes and everything came into focus and for a moment I understood. The doctors didn't know if my eyes would ever heal."
-Pi
Sounds crazy. Three years? This isn't emotional, it's perverse. And while I can see why you're having an interesting time (actually I can't), I have no idea why either of the two men would hang around. Does either of them have self respect? Do you?
LET THERE BE LIGHT
"Love follows knowledge." – St. Catherine of Siena
My literature blog: http://ashesfromburntroses.blogspot.com/
As much as I think that honesty is usually best, sometimes keeping quiet about something you're sure your family won't accept is better. I have a very strained relationship with my mother, and that's pretty good considering the horror stories I've heard. There are people who end up fully ostracized by their family for being who they are. If you think a close family member won't accept something, it might be better to keep it secret.Originally Posted by JuniperWoolf
For the person who wrote the letter, telling people anything unusual about yourself is always a risk. Although, I think being in a polyamorous relationship isn't even that unusual. Christ, there are thousands of people out there in polyamous relationships, except usually one of the members is in the dark about being in one. Anybody who has a problem with what consenting adults do in their own time, that doesn't harm anyone, need to suck it and go f' themselves.
Anthropologically speaking, monogamy is largely a result of sedentary lifestyles and the need for males to try and control the paternity of a woman's offspring for inheritance purposes. I can think of no reason why monogamy should be a condition of love. I would certainly agree that deception of a partner is wrong, but in something open and agreed upon, well I can see no wrong here.
Last edited by OrphanPip; 01-27-2010 at 08:52 PM.
"If the national mental illness of the United States is megalomania, that of Canada is paranoid schizophrenia."
- Margaret Atwood
To..
I say...
__________________
"Personal note: When I was a little kid my mother told me not to stare into the sun. So once when I was six, I did. At first the brightness was overwhelming, but I had seen that before. I kept looking, forcing myself not to blink, and then the brightness began to dissolve. My pupils shrunk to pinholes and everything came into focus and for a moment I understood. The doctors didn't know if my eyes would ever heal."
-Pi
I have given this some thought. For once this is a situation I have no experience with personally. (By this I mean that all perties involved are aware of each other.) I'm not sure what sort of response you are looking for. If I was a friend/relative etc. speaking for myself alone I would point out to you only one thing. Who is the weakest link in the chain here? Sooner or later someone is going to want more out the relationship and also what sort of future that will come of it. This current state of things can;t last forever much as it may seem to. Time will ring it its inevitable changes. Word to the wise is sufficient. This wont last.
This is true of the vast majority of monogamous relationships as well, so does it really matter?
I'd also like to add that I began my post before Virgil's was posted and the, "suck it up and go f' themselves" comment wasn't meant to be directed at him as an insult.
"If the national mental illness of the United States is megalomania, that of Canada is paranoid schizophrenia."
- Margaret Atwood
Well, that makes no sense. We have a situation here where a female is screwing around with two males. This is the very opposite of control of paternity. In the few places that bigamy is legal, it's a male who gets to have multiple females. And anthropologically speaking? I doubt these people were raised in a jungle. There's a such thing as culture shaping values.
LET THERE BE LIGHT
"Love follows knowledge." – St. Catherine of Siena
My literature blog: http://ashesfromburntroses.blogspot.com/
Maybe I was unclear. If we look at some non-sedentary societies like the natives of Quebec immediately after European arrival. French records report the native cultures as exhibiting matrilineal inheritance with children being raised communally while polyamory was rampant. Of course, the French expressed great disgust at this lifestyle. However, it informs us about what life would be like when we take away the need to ensure that the child be the fathers when patrilineal inheritance is taken out of the equation.
In sedentary societies where polygamy is found, yes it is usually the male with multiple partners because there is patrilineal inheritance.
Inheritance is largely not a social issue today, the only reason we cling to social structures of monogamy is because of tradition. Now I think it's perfectly fine and admirable to be in a monogamous relationship. However, I just can't find a logical reason for polyamory to be wrong when it doesn't involve the power or control relations of say a polygamous cult that keeps women locked away in the home.
Sure culture shapes our values, but that doesn't mean cultural norms are inherently right. We need not look far back in history to find a time when many reprehensible actions were socially acceptable.
"If the national mental illness of the United States is megalomania, that of Canada is paranoid schizophrenia."
- Margaret Atwood
And that doesn't mean that all cultural norms are not represhensible. In fact I would venture to say that most are normative, including this one.
LET THERE BE LIGHT
"Love follows knowledge." – St. Catherine of Siena
My literature blog: http://ashesfromburntroses.blogspot.com/
"My question is: if I were your daughter/sister/best friend/aunt/neice/grandmother/granddaughter/coworker...whatever...what would you think if you found this out about me? If this idea angers/upsets/disgusts you, please, be honest and descriptive, as I want badly to understand people's aversion to what has become a very happy part of my life."
I'm going to be honest with you. I think that you have a difficulty making a commitment. I would not respect your lifestyle, nor would I condone it. I think that the three of you are not being truly honest. You are getting everything that you want...both men, which is a very selfish attitude. No matter what both men say, they each want you wholly for himself. While it is true that one man can never be your all-in-all, you need to take the good with the bad. I'm not telling you what you ought to do...I'm telling you how I would react to it. Consider asking each guy if he would be pleased if you chose to be monogamous with him. You will find that each man really wants that...but it is possible that they won't be honest with you. Most people will not openly condone this lifestyle...accept for those people who also have a lifestyle that they don't want to be judged in...
Les Miserables,
Volume 1, Fifth Book, Chapter 3
Remember this, my friends: there are no such things as bad plants or bad men. There are only bad cultivators.
Without getting into some meta-ethical debate over how we come to decide what is right/acceptable/whatever.
I think it is unfair to define her experience as a girl "screwing around" with two guys. There is no way for us to say her feelings aren't equally profound for either man, and I think it is equally unfair to say these men have no self-respect.
We can't just begin rejecting unconventionality for merely being unconventional. It is simply a recipe for intolerance and the kind of social control one would expect in a fascist state. No one is being harmed in this relationship, and no one significantly involved is being deceived.
Their need for secrecy is perhaps worthy of criticism, but the polyamorous nature of the relationship itself isn't. I wouldn't be involved in one, but perhaps that's just my male dominance behavior manifesting itself.
Pssh, maybe some people will condone it because we're not caught up in archaic rigid social structures.
Honestly, my lifestyle isn't nearly exciting enough to require judgment from anyone. It mostly involves work, food, and sleep.
Last edited by OrphanPip; 01-28-2010 at 12:42 AM.
"If the national mental illness of the United States is megalomania, that of Canada is paranoid schizophrenia."
- Margaret Atwood
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