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Thread: In My Chest, You Exist

  1. 11-28-2009, 12:05 AM #1
    thepoet777
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    In My Chest, You Exist

    In the darkness,
    bleached to white…
    Bright as sunlight,
    dispelling night…


    Near as daydreams,
    close at hand…
    Here forever,
    heart’s demand…


    In my chest, you exist…


    Life without you,
    cold and bleak…
    Me without you,
    alone and weak…


    A day without you
    does not exist…
    A thought, a prayer,
    the endless list…


    In my chest, you exist…


    The future holds
    uncertain things…
    The mire of life
    and death it brings…


    Yet we are built
    on Truth and Love…
    The Heart, the Mind,
    and Emotion thereof…


    In my chest, you exist…


    Forever.
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  2. 11-28-2009, 12:23 AM #2
    blazeofglory
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    So simple but so appealing and you proved in simple terms great thoughts can be expressed. I like your last stanza

    “Those who seek to satisfy the mind of man by hampering it with ceremonies and music and affecting charity and devotion have lost their original nature””
    “If water derives lucidity from stillness, how much more the faculties of the mind! The mind of the sage, being in repose, becomes the mirror of the universe, the speculum of all creation.
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  3. 11-28-2009, 01:34 AM #3
    thepoet777
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    Quote Originally Posted by blazeofglory View Post
    So simple but so appealing and you proved in simple terms great thoughts can be expressed. I like your last stanza
    Thank you so much! It is much appreciated. =]
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  4. 11-28-2009, 04:45 AM #4
    Silas Thorne
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    The rhymes at the end of the lines are a bit too forced. Loosen up a bit, and lose the cliches.
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  5. 11-28-2009, 10:01 AM #5
    Pendragon
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    Yeah, but that repeating line is a touch of genius!
    Some of us laugh
    Some of us cry
    Some of us smoke
    Some of us lie
    But it's all just the way
    that we cope with our lives...
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  6. 11-28-2009, 01:23 PM #6
    thepoet777
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    I'm not sure what is forced about the rhyming, but thank you for your input, Silas.

    And thank you, Pendragon. =]
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  7. 11-29-2009, 02:48 AM #7
    Silas Thorne
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    Quote Originally Posted by thepoet777 View Post
    I'm not sure what is forced about the rhyming, but thank you for your input, Silas.
    That's cool. Just trying to help. I just mean many of the lines seem to be written as if you have found the word that rhymes first and then organised the grammar of the line to suit, for example:

    'The future holds
    uncertain things…
    The mire of life
    and death it brings…'

    Why not say 'it (the future) brings death'? Because you want the end word to fit.
    But I really don't know ****, I just play around with words.
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  8. 11-29-2009, 02:22 PM #8
    thepoet777
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    Quote Originally Posted by Silas Thorne View Post
    That's cool. Just trying to help. I just mean many of the lines seem to be written as if you have found the word that rhymes first and then organised the grammar of the line to suit, for example:

    'The future holds
    uncertain things…
    The mire of life
    and death it brings…'

    Why not say 'it (the future) brings death'? Because you want the end word to fit.
    But I really don't know ****, I just play around with words.

    Actually, I write it as it comes out, so the rhymes are intended to be just as they are. I don't say things such as "it brings death" because I feel that "The mire of life and death it brings" fits better poetically. But I completely respect your opinion and I appreciate your input. =]
    Visit http://writing.com/authors/sorrowextinct for more of my writing.
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  9. 12-01-2009, 08:02 PM #9
    thepoet777
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    I would really love some more feedback on this poem. =]
    Visit http://writing.com/authors/sorrowextinct for more of my writing.
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