Sorry Dada

[Scheherazade]

in which we address this as an abstract ethical issue, in the hope of driving out moral absolutes that illuminate the tension between the instinct for personal advantage (what Nikhar characterises as 'selfishness') and the tacit but shared sense of mutually-advantageous fairness, a reaction to the non-adherence to which might be monosyllabically conveyed as 'Huh?"

Huh?




__________________

[MarkBastable]

Huh?

Oh, good. I'll take that as a huh.

[Nikhar]

What did you think of all the other entries by the way? I mean, apart from the fact that - as your vote implies - you didn't think any of them were as good as yours.

Oh man...you got me dead wrong there. I no way felt that my story was better than others. In fact, I do feel that I am no judge for those great works written by people who are undoubtedly, miles ahead in terms of experience.

I had respect for all those other works out there.

And about my casting vote for my own story..sometimes, I did think that I was ethically wrong and then wondered, 'How do I know if the others are not doing the same?' I know you may call that a cheap excuse. But anyways, to sum it all up, I voted for my story because I liked it and consideirng other factors


Anyways, maybe we could cut this. I'd be highly obliged if you cold take time to comment on the story instead.

Any criticisms at that front would be greatly welcomed.

[TheFifthElement]

Hi Nikhar, I've read your story a few times now. As far as the competition goes, this didn't receive my vote primarily because it was a tragedy, as were many of the entries, and because of the self-pitying tone which doesn't appeal to me. I don't know what it is about the Lit-net short competition which attracts such a myriad of tales of woe and abject misery, but it does and with that in mind you really need to work extra hard if you're going to distinguish your story from the others. I think if you look at the short story contest over a period of a year, something like 85% of the stories submitted are tragedies. Maybe something to bear in mind if you're submitting in the future.

Two areas in particular didn't work for me with your story. One is the language. In some areas the language seems quite convoluted and awkward, it doesn't flow lyrically and interrupts the rhythm of the story. It seems like you're trying a little too hard. I'll give you a few examples:

I rushed through the front doors and galloped straight towards the reception with my heart performing on a trampoline.

As an opener it's an awkward sentence. You're rushing, galloping, trampolining all at the same time; it's too much especially in a story with a strict word count. Try conveying the experience with more economy and save your words for when it really counts. 'I rushed straight to reception, my heart thumping like a trampoline'.

The conventional smell of medicines that one could easily relate to the hospitals instilled in me a mild wave of nausea.

'The distinctive hospital smell sickened me'.

There was a certain eagerness to look beyond but it was accompanied by an acute dread of the outcome.

'I wanted to go in, but I was afraid.'

If your story is a glowing ball of light, the language is an invisible mesh which holds it in place without getting in the way, without absorbing or deflecting any of the light. Sometimes simpler is best, and certainly using the active voice commands the reader's attention more effectively. I think you tend to slip into the passive voice, which is less self-assured and less concrete.

The other thing that stood out, for me, was that certain elements of the story didn't ring true. A couple of points in particular didn't seem to work, for example at this point in the story you have the Dada character receiving an injection:

The needle on his syringe was about three and a half inches long and a sparkle of light danced off its shaft. He pushed it into dada’s arms, all the way to the hilt. Dada gave a dry gasp of pain. My skin crawled at the thought of the needle piercing though his arms into his tissues as the dark red blood swirled up in the clear solution.

but moments before you say:

I was so lost that it took me quite some time to register the beep of the cardiac monitors and the hiss of the respirators. The profusion of intravenous bottles and lines connected to the impaled blood vessels by sharp needles unhinged me slightly.

it doesn't make sense why the doctor would inject direct to the arm if there's already intravenous access. It also doesn't really make sense how the character didn't notice the doctor either. Perhaps he might not notice him straight away, but the gap seems a little too long. I also wondered why Dada was in a private room and not on a ward. Certainly my experience is that it is extremely rare to get a private room in a hospital, even if you're dying, but perhaps that is a cultural difference. It is hard to know.

Also this:

A small piece of paper flew out of my file. I reached out for it and found it to be a railway reservation.

it's a bit of a strange place to keep an unused train ticket, in someone else's medical file. It seemed a little too convenient.

They're probably minor points, but as a reader they made me question the veracity of the story and anything that jars the reader out of the story is bad. It can be hard to see those kind of flaws in your own work (I certainly fail to see them in mine!) so if you can it's always worth getting someone else to try and pick holes in it; they might not always be right, but they will get you to look at the work with a more critical eye.

I thought your characterisation was well done, the characters seemed to behave in a manner which was true and consistent. Even where a character made a minor appearance, such as the receptionist, you really draw them to life. Clearly you are a keen observer of people. It's a good skill to have, something which you can build into your stories to make them really strong. I also thought your dialogue was really good, it moved the story along at a good pace and brought much more out of the characters than the descriptions did. I also felt the story was consistent in its tone and approach.

As always, with any critique, these are just my thoughts and you should feel free to use/ignore as you see fit. I'm by no means an expert.

Hope some of this helps

[Nikhar]

Firstly, thanks a ton for your reply.

Hi Nikhar, I've read your story a few times now. As far as the competition goes, this didn't receive my vote primarily because it was a tragedy, as were many of the entries, and because of the self-pitying tone which doesn't appeal to me. I don't know what it is about the Lit-net short competition which attracts such a myriad of tales of woe and abject misery, but it does and with that in mind you really need to work extra hard if you're going to distinguish your story from the others. I think if you look at the short story contest over a period of a year, something like 85% of the stories submitted are tragedies. Maybe something to bear in mind if you're submitting in the future.

Maybe I have the answer to this. Because these sort of stories gets votes! Well, my first entry into the competition was a short thriller sort of a story which received only 2 votes. Though I admit, when I look back at it, I find it to be very poorly written. My second story, 'One Happy Meal'...was much more successful and went into the tie. It was a sort of tragedy. That motivated me to write another tragedy for October which also went into the tie.

Two areas in particular didn't work for me with your story. One is the language. In some areas the language seems quite convoluted and awkward, it doesn't flow lyrically and interrupts the rhythm of the story. It seems like you're trying a little too hard. I'll give you a few examples:


As an opener it's an awkward sentence. You're rushing, galloping, trampolining all at the same time; it's too much especially in a story with a strict word count. Try conveying the experience with more economy and save your words for when it really counts. 'I rushed straight to reception, my heart thumping like a trampoline'.


'The distinctive hospital smell sickened me'.


'I wanted to go in, but I was afraid.'

Thats very true. I was trying to hard. I just didn't want my story to sound like an essay though I think I overdid the part.

If your story is a glowing ball of light, the language is an invisible mesh which holds it in place without getting in the way, without absorbing or deflecting any of the light. Sometimes simpler is best, and certainly using the active voice commands the reader's attention more effectively. I think you tend to slip into the passive voice, which is less self-assured and less concrete.

That's very well put. I'd definitely take care of that.

The other thing that stood out, for me, was that certain elements of the story didn't ring true. A couple of points in particular didn't seem to work, for example at this point in the story you have the Dada character receiving an injection:



but moments before you say:

it doesn't make sense why the doctor would inject direct to the arm if there's already intravenous access. It also doesn't really make sense how the character didn't notice the doctor either. Perhaps he might not notice him straight away, but the gap seems a little too long. I also wondered why Dada was in a private room and not on a ward. Certainly my experience is that it is extremely rare to get a private room in a hospital, even if you're dying, but perhaps that is a cultural difference. It is hard to know.

Well, I don't have much knowledge about doctor's practices and maybe that ignorance coerced a flaw.

About noticing a doctor, he was submerged in guilt and remorse. And all he could see was his grandpa.

Also this:

it's a bit of a strange place to keep an unused train ticket, in someone else's medical file. It seemed a little too convenient.

That's so true. Actually, I couldn't find any other place for the railway ticket.

They're probably minor points, but as a reader they made me question the veracity of the story and anything that jars the reader out of the story is bad. It can be hard to see those kind of flaws in your own work (I certainly fail to see them in mine!) so if you can it's always worth getting someone else to try and pick holes in it; they might not always be right, but they will get you to look at the work with a more critical eye.

I thought your characterisation was well done, the characters seemed to behave in a manner which was true and consistent. Even where a character made a minor appearance, such as the receptionist, you really draw them to life. Clearly you are a keen observer of people. It's a good skill to have, something which you can build into your stories to make them really strong. I also thought your dialogue was really good, it moved the story along at a good pace and brought much more out of the characters than the descriptions did. I also felt the story was consistent in its tone and approach.

As always, with any critique, these are just my thoughts and you should feel free to use/ignore as you see fit. I'm by no means an expert.

Hope some of this helps

That did indeed help a lot!

With each critique I receive, it helps me miles in writing my next work.

Just a question, were you able to decipher the objective of the second part of the story when you first read it.

After Chilly's comments, I just wondered if the meaning was clear enough.

[TheFifthElement]

Just a question, were you able to decipher the objective of the second part of the story when you first read it.

After Chilly's comments, I just wondered if the meaning was clear enough.

Hmm it's hard to comment because I've already read the explanations. I think the reader can work it out but it is, perhaps, a bit of an effort. So I'd say it could be made clearer, and that would probably benefit the story.

Actually, I couldn't find any other place for the railway ticket.

If you were planning to re-write perhaps you could have your Ravi character reflecting on how Dada being in the hospital reminds him of when he was in the hospital. That might help to draw the distinction between Ravi's selfish approach over his grandfather's sacrificial approach. When you interject with this memory:

‘Ow! God! Ow! It hurts!’ I leaped on one foot holding the other one in my hand trying to locate the pike.

‘Oh come on here now. You’re such a strong guy.’ My dada spoke. He took my foot in his hands and searched for the culprit.

‘Ow! Ow! Ow!’

‘You’re a strong guy. Superman, eh? My 10 year old little superman. Ah…here’s it. Close your eyes… its gonna be painless. Yes… here it is…here!’

I slowly opened one of my eyes and realized that the pain was gone. ‘Its gone! Thank you dada!’. And I jumped into his laps, wriggling and laughing.

perhaps replace with a memory of Dada being there at the hospital after Ravi wakes from his appendectomy. It would give you a very direct contrast between the two characters. Ravi probably would have known his Dada was going on an important trip, perhaps they could even talk about it? Then Ravi could find the ticket when he's looking through Dada's things after he's passed away. It would seem more natural that way.
Just a suggestion

[Granny5]

Nikhar, First, I wouldn't enter a story I had written if I didn't think it was good and if I didn't find another story in the competition that I thought was better, I would vote for my story. If I found one that I thought was better, I'd vote for it. We vote for the story we think is best.
Second, I enjoyed your moving story very much. I didn't quite understand some of it, but it was well written. From reading your story I got the impression that English is not your first language. Maybe that is the reason why I got lost at the end. But, don't be discouraged. Each time you write a story or poem, you improve. Keep writing and don't give up on the competition. You're time will come if you continue writing. The competition isn't really about winning, it's about learning and improving and enjoying a good story.

[MarkBastable]

....if I didn't find another story in the competition that I thought was better, I would vote for my story...

Yep, I think that's fair. I think if you read all the stories and truly, objectively feel that your own story is the best, then it's fine to vote for it.

[Nikhar]

Nikhar, First, I wouldn't enter a story I had written if I didn't think it was good and if I didn't find another story in the competition that I thought was better, I would vote for my story. If I found one that I thought was better, I'd vote for it. We vote for the story we think is best.
Second, I enjoyed your moving story very much. I didn't quite understand some of it, but it was well written. From reading your story I got the impression that English is not your first language. Maybe that is the reason why I got lost at the end. But, don't be discouraged. Each time you write a story or poem, you improve. Keep writing and don't give up on the competition. You're time will come if you continue writing. The competition isn't really about winning, it's about learning and improving and enjoying a good story.

Thanks a lot for your comments.

I'd be grateful if you could point out the facts that you couldn't understand.

[Virgil]

Nikhar, I thought your story was very good. Upon re-reading it grew in my estimation of it. I think I didn't vote for it because of the same self-pitying touches that Fifth mentioned, but upon re-reading I didn't think they were all that much self-pitying. There is guilt and the central character feels it, and he should. That's the central core of the story and one either accepts that or doesn't. I didn't quite accept it when i first was judging the stories, but I was convinced on re-read. You're narrative writing is pretty solid. You get the scene down and the movement progresses nicely and succinctly. I really like your use of similies. Obviously English is not your first language, and there are spots where that shows. Keep working on that and you'll get better. I will say I was let down on the conclusion. I do think a coda such as you have is warrented, but this was confusing to me, and really over emotional. For me, the shorter a work, the more emotion has to be muted. A short two thousand word story cannot really tolerate open outburst of emotion. The reader takes it as bathos.

But I think you have the capability to write stories. For someone your age, this is good work. Very nice.

[indydavid]

Any story that generates discussion is well-worth reading. Bravo, Nikhar!

[Nikhar]

Thanks a ton for your comments Virgil.

Obviously English is not your first language, and there are spots where that shows. Keep working on that and you'll get better.

I'd be grateful if you could point out the places where you felt that.

Thanks again.

Thanks indydavid.

[Virgil]

I'd be grateful if you could point out the places where you felt that.

Yikes, I went back and looked and couldn't find them. I apologize. I'm not sure why I got that feeling when I read it. English must be your first language, or you write like it is.

[Nikhar]

Yikes, I went back and looked and couldn't find them. I apologize. I'm not sure why I got that feeling when I read it. English must be your first language, or you write like it is.

Oh...lol..no probs.

Though English is not my first language.

Thanks again for the comments though.

Have a great day.

[PabloQ]

Nikhar,

The first thing I want you to understand is that I don't look at the voting before I read the stories in this competition. I don't let the vote count or who voted for each story prejudize my opinion.

Secondly, I read all of the stories and try to determine which one had the best story. Based on that, I eliminated your story upon first reading it because I didn't like the story, primarily because it seemed like a wordy rendition of a simple story and the short section at the end seemed obscure and disconnected from the rest of the text. To be honest, I just didn't care.

That may seem harsh, but writing a good story within the economy of 2000 words is extemely difficult. I've tried it a couple times myself and failed. This story struck me more as an effort to fill a story with 2000 words than to tell a story well within that constraint. Fifth Element's points are spot on. There are points where you got carried away with words instead of telling the story. (examples, that first paragraph, the description of that injection, the race for the elevator).

I got confused a couple of times in the story. When the narrator returned from the "tour", based on his mother's reaction, I would have thought Dada was already dead. When the narrator sees his Dada in the hospital bed, I once again thought he was already dead. And like I said, the bit at the end didn't fit for me.

I can't imagine how much more difficult it is to write a story in English when it isn't your native language. Of all the advice, considering that challenge, try to keep it simple and tell a good story. Fight the urge to overuse modifiers. You run the risk of choosing the wrong one. (Most folks don't find elevators to be cavernous, for example). Trampolines don't thump naturally unless someone is bouncing on them. Bad choices distract from the story. So, my advice is to concentrate on telling a good story and less on trying to impress folks with your writing.