Tell Me A Joke

[Taliesin]

I know a similar story about a man who goes to a bar, puts a miniature piano on the table, and takes from his bag a really small midget who starts to play the piano really well. The act is a real success, people give him money and so on.
At some moment someone asks him from where did he obtain the midget.
"Well," starts the man, "I was walking in the desert and found an old lamp, rubbed it, and it turned out to have a genie in it who gave me three wishes. The bad news was that he was hard of hearing. At first I wished for a million ducks. He made a million ducks appear. They flew away.
Next I wanted to be the ruler of the world. Then the genie produced a wooden ruler.
And as for the third wish - do you really think I wished for a twelve-inch pianist?"

[Nossa]

I read that joke on a site, can't remember which. It's called "Ten things that would sound dirty on Halloween". I just don't know if it's gonna look good on this forum

Okay...I got this video on Facebook. It's hilarious...hope it fits in here

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5wTyI9xqy7U

[barbara0207]

Fits beautifully. I laughed out loud.

[Amundsen]

Saloon. Half-dead man went to bar and he said: Everybody RUN OUT OF HERE. Bill The Killer is going here. And he died. Nobody is doing escape. Everything is cool. In a few minutes before the saloon stopped buffalo with 2 metres tall and 120 kilos weight big man (Arnold Scharzenegger type). He killed one horse, and went to the bar. He looked around the saloon. Everybody was quiet. Barman was scared. Man said to barman: Give me bottle of your best whiskey. Barman gave it to him. Man drunk it, and said: Barman, you have got very good whiskey. I could stay here for a while and drink more, but I am chasing by Bill The Killer.

[Virgil]

This one is a little risque. I apologize if you're appalled.

A psychiatrist checks his schedule and sees that a new patient is coming in.

When the man arrives, he enters the office completely naked, except for the fact that he's wrapped knees-to-neck in Saran Wrap.

The shrink looks at him and says, "I can clearly see yer nuts."

[pussnboots]

Two blondes went to the pound where each adopted a puppy. The joy of their new best friend was quickly overshadowed when they got home and the first blonde said, "I think we're in trouble, how are we going to tell them apart?"


This lead to several hours of concentration until finally, the second blonde said, "I've got an idea. We'll tie a red bow around my puppy and a blue bow around yours."

The next day the first blonde comes running up to the second when she got home, "Oh no, I can't tell whose puppy is whose... they've pulled the ribbons off while they were playing."

"OK, we need to find a better way to tell them apart," says the second blonde. After several more hours of concentration, they came up with the bright idea of getting different colored collars.

Again, the next day, the first blonde comes running up to the second as soon as she gets home, "Oh no, I can't tell whose puppy is whose... they've pulled their collars off while they were playing."

"There's got to be some way to tell them apart," says the second blonde.

After several more hours of concentration, the first blonde finally comes up with another idea, "I know! Why don't you take the black one and I'll take the white one!"

[Virgil]

I thought of lit net the moment I read this one. I had to post it.

"Great Writer"

There was once a young man who, in his youth, professed his desire become a great writer. When asked to define "great" he said, "I want to write stuff that the whole world will read, stuff that people will react to on a truly emotional level, stuff that will make them scream, cry, howl in pain and anger!"
He now works for Microsoft, writing error messages.

[sprinks]

!!! Oh thats great Virgil, thanks for that, how true!!

[Virgil]

Glad you liked that Sprinks.

Here's another golf joke. Seems like there are so many of these.

Golfing husband

A husband and wife are on the 9th green when, suddenly, she collapses from a

heart attack! "Help me, dear," she groans to her husband.

The husband calls 911 on his cell phone, talks for a few minutes, picks up

his putter, and lines up his putt.

His wife raises her head off the green, and stares at him. "I'm dying over

here, and you're putting?"

"Don't worry, dear," says the husband calmly, "they found a doctor on the

second hole and he's coming to help you."

"Well, how long will it take for him to get here," she asks feebly?

"No time at all," says her husband. "Everybody's already agreed to let him

play through."

[Scheherazade]

Excerpts from a Dog's Daily Diary:

8:00am Dog food! My favorite thing!
9:30am A car ride! My favorite thing!
9:40am walk in the park! My favorite thing!
10:30am Got rubbed and petted! My favorite thing!
12:00pm Lunch! My favorite thing!
1:00pm Played in the yard! My favorite thing!
3:00pm Wagged my tail! My favorite thing!
5:00pm Milk bones! My favorite thing!
7:00pm Got to play ball! My favorite thing!
8:00pm Wow! Watched TV with my master! My favorite thing!
11:00pm Sleeping on the bed! My favorite thing!

Excerpts from a Cat's Daily Diary:

DAY 752 - My captors continue to taunt me with bizarre
little dangling objects. They dine lavishly on fresh
meat, while I am forced to eat dry cereal. The only
thing that keeps me going is the hope of escape, and
the mild satisfaction I get from ruining the
occasional piece of furniture. Tomorrow I may eat
another house plant.

DAY 761 - Today my attempt to kill my captors by
weaving around their feet while they were walking
almost succeeded, must try this at the top of the
stairs. In an attempt to disgust and repulse these
vile oppressors, I once again induced myself to vomit
on their favorite chair...must try this on their bed.

DAY 765 - Decapitated a mouse and brought them the
headless body, in attempt to make them aware of what I
am capable of, and to try to strike fear into their
hearts. They only cooed and condescended about what a
good little cat I was...Hmmm. Not working according to
plan.

DAY 768 - I am finally aware of how sadistic they are.
For no good reason I was chosen for the water torture.
This time however it included a burning foamy chemical
called "shampoo." What sick minds could invent such a
liquid? My only consolation is the piece of thumb
still stuck between my teeth.

DAY 771 - There was some sort of gathering of their
accomplices. I was placed in solitary throughout the
event. However, I could hear the noise. More
importantly I overheard that my confinement was due to
MY power of "allergies." Must learn what this is and
how to use it to my advantage.

DAY 774 - I am convinced the other captives are
flunkies and maybe snitches. The dog is routinely
released and seems more than happy to return. He is
obviously a half-wit. The bird on the other hand has
got to be an informant, and speaks with them
regularly. I am certain he reports my every move. Due
to his current placement in the metal room his safety
is assured. But I can wait; it is only a matter of
time......

[Virgil]

That's great. And that's why dogs are the most common pet.

[Tournesol]

A husband and wife have a huge quarrel. Eventually, it gets to the point where the husband says
"I'm not talking to you anymore!" and the wife responds
"Don't worry, I won't have anything to say to you in a hurry!"

After more than a week of not speaking to one another, the husband realises that he was forced to communicate with the wife in some way or the other.

He had a business meeting out of town, and he needed to get up at 4am to get a head start. He hastily scribbled a note "Wake me at 4am" and left it on the nightstand on her side of the bed.

The next morning, the husband woke up with the sun on his face, and birds whistling sweetly outside the window. Streching and feeling pretty good about his long night's rest, it suddenly occurred to him what time it was:
9am.

He rushed into the kitchen and screamed to the wife "WHY DIDN'T YOU WAKE ME?!"
"I did." she replied, very calmly, without raising her head.

Muttering under his breath, he quickly showers and dresses. As he reaches for his watch on his nightstand, he sees a neatly written note:
'It's 4am. Wake up.'





Things to ponder:

1. If people point to their wrists when asking for the time, why don't they point to their bums when asking for the bathroom?

2. Whose idea was it to put an 's' in the word 'lisp'?

3. Why do people pay to go up tall buildings and then put money in binoculars
to look at things on the ground?

[Beautifull]

what do you call a drive by by china?

a cap a chino!

[mercy_mankind]

A husband and wife have a huge quarrel. Eventually, it gets to the point where the husband says
"I'm not talking to you anymore!" and the wife responds
"Don't worry, I won't have anything to say to you in a hurry!"

After more than a week of not speaking to one another, the husband realises that he was forced to communicate with the wife in some way or the other.

He had a business meeting out of town, and he needed to get up at 4am to get a head start. He hastily scribbled a note "Wake me at 4am" and left it on the nightstand on her side of the bed.

The next morning, the husband woke up with the sun on his face, and birds whistling sweetly outside the window. Streching and feeling pretty good about his long night's rest, it suddenly occurred to him what time it was:
9am.

He rushed into the kitchen and screamed to the wife "WHY DIDN'T YOU WAKE ME?!"
"I did." she replied, very calmly, without raising her head.

Muttering under his breath, he quickly showers and dresses. As he reaches for his watch on his nightstand, he sees a neatly written note:
'It's 4am. Wake up.'

what do you call a drive by by china?

a cap a chino!

very nice
Thank you.

"The local game warden in a small town in Oregon had arrested a man for killing and eating an Egret. The man went before a judge to plead his case. After pleading guilty, but with an explanation, the judge asked him why he did it.

"I was just trying to feed my hungry family," he told the judge, "and I've never done anything like that before."

The judge, being a family man himself, had a soft heart and agreed to let the man go free, since he was only trying to feed his starving family and it was his first and only offense.

"Before you go, though, I want to ask you a question," the judge quipped, "What does Egret taste like?"

"Well your Honor," the man told him, "Its not as tender as Spotted Owl but its better than Bald Eagle!"

One day, Bill and Tom went to a restaurant for dinner. As soon as the waiter took out two steaks, Bill quickly picked out the bigger steak for himself.

Tom wasn't happy about that: "When are you going to learn to be polite?"

Bill: "If you had the chance to pick first, which one would you pick?"

Tom: "The smaller piece, of course."

Bill: "What are you whining about then? The smaller piece is what you want, right?"

[Virgil]

Did you hear about the blonde who after watching the ballerinas, wondered why they didn't get taller girls?