Please HELP! Opinions needed (^:

[AdoreroDio]

Hey everyone! Well, there is this writing contest thingy mobobby that I'm entering (The National Fine Arts Festival for First Assemblies of God) and the poetry is due today. I'm turning it in tonight but I'd like to know which poem to enter...
which is where you opinions come in.

I'm going to post my poems- could I have some critic as well as opinions on which I should enter? The theme is sacrifice. Here is my first poem:

Stained Streets

Nighttime silenced all activity
Except for that of a lonely shepherd
Protecting his flock
Tomorrow the daily activities
Would once again pick up
Its fast rhythm of life
For most, nothing had changed
the population wasn’t effected
by a loss of one, but the streets tell differently.
A smell permeates the air,
despicable and loathing
clinging to upturned noses
If one followed the heavily
beaten sand within the city
trampled by an angry mob
One might notice a darker stain
in the dirt, still wet
dripped from a whipped man
The place of the skull is deserted
three holes in the ground and a few nails
are the only signs of the days events
blood is smeared on the ground
and the sky is filled with looming,
black clouds
And heaven weeps
But these are not tears of sadness but of pure joy
For on this day the greatest
sacrifice was given to us from God
His son, the Savior, crucified
That all might have life
But no one knows this
no one sees farther then the next day,
the next meal
Tomorrow life will flow into its normal pace
and the blood stained streets
will be all but forgotten
but on this day
we caused death
and with it God made life

[Scheherazade]

Hi Adorero,

I am moving this thread to the Personal Poetry section.

Also, just a thought... Do make sure that poems which have posted on the net can still enter the competition you have mentioned.

[Pendragon]

The poem is good, but I have a question. Is the shape of the words intentional? It looks almost like a lamp or candlestick, which IMO is a plus. Sounds like a good combination, sign it and date it, and send it in!

Pen

[AdoreroDio]

no the shape is unintentional...I was going to post more but I already turned in this one because I ran out of time...but thanks for the opinions.

now I am just crossing my fingers...

[AdoreroDio]

I WON!!!!!!!! I'm going on to Nationals now in Indianapolis! I'm so happy.

I would really appreciate it if anyone could help me edit this poem. I want the pickiest people because he judges will be picky. Anything- absolutely anything wrong could you tell me?

The poem will be judged on all of the following things (it's a long list):

Christian Composition/ message
originality
theme development (the theme is sacrifice)
ministry effectiveness
style
language usage
freshness of expression
unique wording
flow of thought
title selection
development
movement/organization
transitional elements
sentence structure
grammar
mechanics/spelling
punctuation
visual elements
evident ministry
preparation
interpretation
and
understandable concept

Thanks for your help!

[Bii]

Stained Streets

Nighttime silenced all activity
Except for that of a lonely shepherd
Protecting his flock
Tomorrow the daily activities
Would once again pick up
Its fast rhythm of life
For most, nothing had changed
the population wasn’t effected
by a loss of one, but the streets tell differently.
A smell permeates the air,
despicable and loathing
clinging to upturned noses
If one followed the heavily
beaten sand within the city
trampled by an angry mob
One might notice a darker stain
in the dirt, still wet
dripped from a whipped man
The place of the skull is deserted
three holes in the ground and a few nails
are the only signs of the days events
blood is smeared on the ground
and the sky is filled with looming,
black clouds
And heaven weeps
But these are not tears of sadness but of pure joy
For on this day the greatest
sacrifice was given to us from God
His son, the Savior, crucified
That all might have life
But no one knows this
no one sees farther then the next day,
the next meal
Tomorrow life will flow into its normal pace
and the blood stained streets
will be all but forgotten
but on this day
we caused death
and with it God made life

Hiya,

This is an interesting poem, with a powerful theme and nicely expressed. From a competition point of view I have a couple of pointers - hope they help:

1. I think you need to fully review your punctuation - it seems you have partially but not fully punctuated this - try writing it out as a continuous sentence (that always helps me with mine - grammer is not my strongest point but poetry judges are pretty picky about it).
2. Decide if you are starting each line with a capital letter or just those which start a new sentence - again there's bit of a mix in there. Current style would be not to capitalise each new line but it's personal preference really. Decide which one you're going with and use it.
3. Nit picking here but, line 6 'Its' should be 'It's', line 8 'effected' should be 'affected'.

Wouldn't change the content or style at all - you've got a good poem there which, with a bit of a tidy up, would be excellent.

Hope this helps and good luck with the next round!

[AdoreroDio]

Thanks! I love the nit picking. And you were right about the punctuation and capitals- we got to see the judges sheets from regionals and I would have had a perfect score had it not been for each of the judges docking me for puncuation. I have pretty bad grammar...... So thanks. Great advise.

For anyone else- I'll try and get back on tonight and post an edited version then everyone can nit pick at that as well.

[Pendragon]

Definitely keep that shape. IMO, that was the clincher. Yes, they will come after you for punctuation, and there, I'm of little use when it comes to poetry.
But you rule, mon ami! It's a great poem!

[AdoreroDio]

Ok I've been dying to ask....what is IMO? I'm a tad confused.

And thanks! I'll keep the shape if at all possible. (^:

[Bii]

IMO - In my opinion
IMHO - in my humble opinion

[AdoreroDio]

thankz- I figured it out like an hour after I posted that...lol. Anyone else have anything to add before I print it up?

[AdoreroDio]

Here is an edited version-

Stained Streets

Nighttime silenced all activity
except for that of a lonely shepherd
protecting his flock.
Tomorrow the daily activities,
would once again pick up
It's fast rhythm of life.
For most, nothing had changed.
the population wasn’t affected
by a loss of one,
but the streets tell differently.
A smell permeates the air,
despicable and loathing,
clinging to upturned noses.
If one followed the heavily
beaten sand within the city,
trampled by an angry mob,
one might notice a darker stain
in the dirt, still wet,
dripped from a whipped man.
The place of the skull is deserted.
Three holes in the ground and a few nails
are the only signs of the days events.
Blood is smeared on the ground
and the sky is filled with looming,
black clouds;
and heaven weeps.
But these are not tears of sadness but of pure joy,
For on this day the greatest
sacrifice was given to us from God,
His son, the Savior, crucified
that all might have life.
But no one knows this,
no one sees farther then the next day,
the next meal.
Tomorrow life will flow into its normal pace
and the blood stained streets
will be all but forgotten.
But on this day
we caused death
and with it God made life.