write or share a poem

[Arania]

Hello.

I am new here. I'm a senior in high school and I've recently developed an interest in writing. I would really love your comments. I'm here to have my work ripped apart, so please, tell me exactly what you think. I will not be offended.

Analyze, Anesthetize Part I: Heidenberg


Pieces of yellow-corn straw
Are floating
On rivers.

Muddy translucence and
I can't see the edges anymore.

Search adds momentum
To the sea of falling sap
So I cannot look
Without touching

And touching
Changes you.

[Janine]

Hello.

I am new here. I'm a senior in high school and I've recently developed an interest in writing. I would really love your comments. I'm here to have my work ripped apart, so please, tell me exactly what you think. I will not be offended.

Analyze, Anesthetize Part I: Heidenberg


Pieces of yellow-corn straw
Are floating
On rivers.

Muddy translucence and
I can't see the edges anymore.

Search adds momentum
To the sea of falling sap
So I cannot look
Without touching

And touching
Changes you.

Arania, and hi to you, too! Welcome to the Lit Net Forum! I joined about 2 months ago. I love it here. I am glad someone finally got back to this thread. I have written a few poems in it, but no one commented at all...then a little while later the interest in this thread seemed to have died out. So glad you found it and wrote a new poem.
I like your poem very much. I especially like the imagery and the closing line. that is really nice and completes the thought. I am curious about the title though. I did not know what the reference was. Can you explain?
Glad you joined up on the site and hope you write more interesting poems here. "Shared Haiku" is fun, too, and one gets to know many people that way....also Photoablum is great fun and the people all are nice and encouraging and friendly...and occasionally (when people get up the nerve) you get to see what some of us look like. Hope you join in for both - I am on "Shared Haiku" often - it is quite addictive, but a good exercise for poets.
Welcome again! - Janine

[Arania]

Thank you, Janine. I'm really happy to be here. The Heidenberg thing refers to The Heidenberg Uncertainty Principle. He was a scientist who discovered that it is impossible to determine the state of an electron in an atom because looking at it changes its position.

Normally, I'm not very good with these things, but I remembered that while writing. (Apparently I learned something in chemistry - who knew?)

Thank you for being so welcoming

--Arania

[Countess]

Life sucks
in massive trucks
and then you die
some say,

Is this the truth
or do I lie?
Yesterday, Tomorrow, Today

It remains unverified.
For at the moment
Life is Hell
and Death is Freedom
away.

[Triskele]

simple sighs of midnight truth breath alone
in the misty morn of childhood dreams
the grey fog blows nightmares to blindness
leaving sight only to the hopeful thought
of sunrise on an empty pond of green
fish dance quietly to my lilting tune
pipe chords of shadow fade to violins
strings of a dawns fire dance on ancient wood
flutes filled with lifes breath flow to horizon
the strings of fiery bass vibrate to life
complimented only by the soft song
carried on the breath of lifes only joy
conducted by the black willow shadows
with the advent of orchestral sun


there, an on-the-spot sonnet that went rather well i think

[keizi]

you want poetry on spot ?
here we go

So am sitting here looking for what to do
who said jobs come out of the blue
and if by chance it's realy true
why cant I write a long poem too?

what you want you cant always have
so I wont sit here and cry for words
I'll just offer what I can serve
and let you play the rest of the cards

[Triskele]

i like it, very relaxed... this is a great thread

[brokenheartpoet]

All those poets who think there better Than us beginner , They were once a beginner How would they feel if we treat them like a bully treats a kid he just beat up Don't the expert know us beginners have room to grow and need their help But, not to treat us like we know nothing about the art we work so hard for.

[Janine]

simple sighs of midnight truth breath alone
in the misty morn of childhood dreams
the grey fog blows nightmares to blindness
leaving sight only to the hopeful thought
of sunrise on an empty pond of green
fish dance quietly to my lilting tune
pipe chords of shadow fade to violins
strings of a dawns fire dance on ancient wood
flutes filled with lifes breath flow to horizon
the strings of fiery bass vibrate to life
complimented only by the soft song
carried on the breath of lifes only joy
conducted by the black willow shadows
with the advent of orchestral sun


there, an on-the-spot sonnet that went rather well i think

Yes, very nice and so are the rest of the poems here. I like these "on the spot poems", but right now I don't have time to think one up. Will be back later...I love this informal thread. I did write a few in the beginning. See you soon....will write more.....this is fun.

[Triskele]

All those poets who think there better Than us beginner , They were once a beginner How would they feel if we treat them like a bully treats a kid he just beat up Don't the expert know us beginners have room to grow and need their help But, not to treat us like we know nothing about the art we work so hard for.

thats the thing i like about this, the anonymity, people don't judge you by age, by size, or by the name you have made for yourself, just by the details you choose to reveal and the words you speak, it puts everyone on equal footing so that all can comment, all can write, and all can speak with an easy mind and know that they will get good criticisms and comments without getting bullied... i love it

[Janine]

thats the thing i like about this, the anonymity, people don't judge you by age, by size, or by the name you have made for yourself, just by the details you choose to reveal and the words you speak, it puts everyone on equal footing so that all can comment, all can write, and all can speak with an easy mind and know that they will get good criticisms and comments without getting bullied... i love it

I agree - I was always shy about showing anyone poems I wrote or tried to write. On here I feel differently. The few I have posted, the other members have been so encouraging about. Everyone is on the "equal footing" as you have said, Tristele. Keep in mind that famous or well known/ well read poets all started somewhere and some really did publish gosh-awful poems at some time in their careers. The "gems" they wrote live on in our minds, but all poets write good and bad and struggle to come up with true moments of brilliance - those live on. From what I have observed here on Lit Net, we are pretty good poets, even if not published and we try awfully hard and the effort is the important part, really. On Lit Net one can be honest and post inner thoughts, without ridicule or criticism. SO post away, poets!

[Il Penseroso]

Part of one I'm working on:

In sunshine swellls of imagination
curtains transfigure their pattern
on crumbling walls, the suffusion
of a dream.

[Janine]

I like it so far - keep working on it. Good start Il Pen!

[SnámhDáÉan]

The Heidenberg thing refers to The Heidenberg Uncertainty Principle. He was a scientist who discovered that it is impossible to determine the state of an electron in an atom because looking at it changes its position.

I think you mean Heisenberg and his uncertainty principle
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Uncertainty_principle

[downing]

My lattest poem. Please, I'd love to see any comments. I would be greateful to you to correct me or give suggestions.

Wind in a peerless plain


I am running through the plain,
throwing glances at the edges,
where the oaks are forming a morning line
and make a bow to the sun
which is shinning in the sky.
Every morning the oaks do a bow
to the sun or to the wind
It seems it doesn’t bother them anymore
if it’s gloomy or if it’s sunny.
The wind of change does come to us
every minute of our lives
and throws a glance to our previous humour
afterwards leaving once more,
because it will come again
when we do not expect.
I changed, too. Maybe many times an hour
but I know that I will never change
in love. I'll love as long as I will breath
and as long as I wil have a heart to beat.
Love would be peerless if not altered
by indifference;
and changes if we permit that wind
to come.
Sometimes it does have to come,
to save us from unusefulness.
I am still staying in the plain,
the sun has gone and the stars
have rose overhead.
I am still waiting.
If it doesn't come,
I'll be gone