Tell Me A Joke

[Virgil]

Study by UCLA's Department of Psychiatry

A study conducted by UCLA's Department of Psychiatry has revealed that the kind of face a woman finds attractive on a man can differ depending on where she is in her menstrual cycle.

For example: If she is ovulating, she is attracted to men with rugged and masculine features.

However, if she is menstruating, or menopausal, she tends to be more attracted to a man with scissors lodged in his temple and tape over his mouth while he is on fire.

No further studies are expected at this time.

[RobinHood3000]

I would highly recommend that UCLA double-check its sprinkler systems and bomb shelter foundations at this time.

[Shea]

A Florida senior citizen drove his brand new Corvette convertible
out of the dealership. Taking off down the road, he floored it to
80 mph, enjoying the wind blowing through what little hair he
had left.

"Amazing!" he thought as he flew down I-75, pushing the
pedal to the metal even more. Looking in his rear view
mirror, he saw the highway patrol behind him, blue lights
flashing and siren blaring.

"I can get away from him . . no problem!" thought the
elderly nutcase as he floored it to 100mph, then 110,
then 120mph. Suddenly, he thought, "What on earth
am I doing? I'm too old for this nonsense!" He pulled
over to the side of the road and waited for the Trooper
to catch up with him.

Pulling in behind him, the Trooper walked up to the
driver's side of the Corvette, looked at his watch, and
said, "Sir, my shift ends in 30 minutes. Today is Friday.
If you can give me a reason why you were speeding
that I've never heard before, I'll let you go."

The man, looking very seriously at the Trooper, said,
"Years ago, my wife ran off with a Florida State Trooper.
I thought you were bringing her back."

"Have a good day, Sir," said the Trooper.

[Virgil]

Good one Shea! Here's another:

OLE AND LENA
>
> Ole staggered home very late after another evening with his drinking
> buddy, Swen. He took off his shoes to avoid waking his wife, Lena. He
> tiptoed quietly toward the stairs leading to their upstairs bedroom, but
> misjudged the bottom step. As he caught himself by grabbing the
> banister, his body swung around and he landed heavily on his rump. A
> whiskey bottle in each back pocket broke and made the landing especially
> painful.
>
> Managing not to yell, Ole sprung up, pulled down his pants, and looked
> in the hall mirror to see that his butt cheeks were cut and bleeding.
> He managed to quietly find a full box of Band-Aids and began putting a
> Band-Aid as best he could on each place he saw blood. He then hid the
> now almost empty box and shuffled and stumbled his way to bed. In the
> morning, Ole woke up with searing pain in his head and butt and Lena
> staring at him from across the room.
>
> She said, "You were drunk again last night weren't you Ole?"
>
> Ole said, "Why you say such a mean ting?"
>
> "Well," Lena said, "it could be the open front door, it could be the
> broken glass at the bottom of the stairs, it could be the drops of blood
> trailing through the house, it could be your bloodshot eyes, but mostly
> .... it's all those Band-Aids stuck on the downstairs mirror.

[Madhuri]

Question:What is the fullform of maths.
Anwser: Mentaly affected teachers harrasing students

I like this one, was never very fond of the subject or the teacher.

[Virgil]

John the farmer was in the fertilized egg business. He had several
hundred young layers (hens, called pullets) and eight or ten roosters,
whose job was to fertilize the eggs. The farmer kept records and any
rooster that didn't perform went into the soup pot and was replaced.
That took an awful lot of his time so he bought a set of tiny bells and
attached them to his roosters.

Each bell had a different tone so John could tell from a distance, which
rooster was performing. Now he could sit on the porch and fill out an
efficiency report simply by listening to the bells.

The farmer's favorite rooster was old Butch, a very fine specimen he was
too. But on this particular morning John noticed old Butch's bell hadn't
rung at all! John went to investigate. The other roosters were chasing
pullets, bells-a-ringing. The pullets, hearing the roosters coming,
would run for cover.

But to Farmer John's amazement, Butch had his bell in his beak, so it
couldn't ring. He'd sneak up on a pullet, do his job and walk on to the
next one.

John was so proud of Butch, he entered him in the county fair and Butch
became an overnight sensation among the judges.The result...The judges
not only awarded Butch the "No Bell Piece Prize" but they also awarded
him the "Pulletsurprise"as well.

...Clearly Butch was a politician in the making. Who else but
a politician could figure out how to win two of the most highly
coveted awards on our planet by being the best at sneaking up on the
populace and screwing them when they weren't paying attention?

[Virgil]

I got another today.

Elephant's Memory - A Touching Story


In 1986, Mkele Mbembe was on holiday in Kenya after graduating from college. On a hike through the bush, he came across a young bull elephant standing with one leg raised in the air.

The elephant seemed distressed so Mbembe approached it very carefully.
He got down on one knee and inspected the elephant's foot, and found a large thorn deeply embedded in it.

As carefully and as gently as he could, Mbembe worked the thorn out with his hunting knife, after which the elephant gingerly put down its foot.
The
elephant turned to face the man and with a rather stern look on its face, stared at him. For several tense moments Mbembe stood frozen, thinking of nothing else but being trampled. Eventually the elephant trumpeted loudly, turned and walked away.

Mbembe never forgot that elephant or the events of that day. Twenty years later he was walking through a zoo with his teenaged son. As they approached the elephant enclosure, one of the creatures turned and walked over to near where Mbembe and his son Tapu were standing. The large bull elephant stared at Mbembe and lifted its front foot off the ground, then put it down. The elephant did that several times then trumpeted loudly, all the while staring at the man.
Remembering the encounter in 1986, Mbembe couldn't help wondering if this was the same elephant. Mbembe summoned up his courage, climbed over the railing and made his way into the enclosure. He walked right up to the elephant and stared back in wonder. Suddenly the elephant trumpeted again, wrapped its trunk around one of the man's legs and swung him wildly back and forth along the railing, killing him.

Probably wasn't the same elephant.

[Virgil]

Actually this sounds like one of Robin's stories.


Being a Good Husband

Jack wakes up with a huge hangover after attending his company's
Christmas Party. Jack is not normally a drinker, but the drinks didn't
taste like alcohol at all. He didn't even remember how he got home from
the party. As bad as he was feeling, he wondered if he did something
wrong. Jack had to force himself to open his eyes, and the first thing
he sees is a couple of aspirins next to a glass of water on the side
table. And, next to them, a single red rose!
Jack sits up and sees his clothing in front of him, all clean and
pressed. He looks around the room and sees that it is in perfect order,
spotlessly clean. So is the rest of the house. He takes the aspirins,
cringes when he sees a huge black eye staring back at him in the
bathroom mirror.
Then he notices a note hanging on the corner of the
mirror written in red with little hearts on it and a kiss mark from his
wife in lipstick! "Honey, breakfast is on the stove, I left early to go get groceries to
make you your favorite dinner tonight. I love you, darling!" He stumbles
to the kitchen and sure enough, there is hot breakfast,
steaming hot coffee and the morning newspaper. His son is also at the
table eating. Jack asks, "Son. what happened last night?"
"Well, you came home after 3 A.M., drunk and out of your mind. You fell
over the coffee table and broke it, and then you puked in the hallway,
and got that black eye when you ran into the door."
Confused he asked his son, "So, why is everything in such perfect order,
so clean, I have a rose, and breakfast is on the table waiting for me?"
His son replies, "Oh THAT!... Mom dragged you to the bedroom, and when
she tried to take your pants off, you screamed, "Leave me alone, lady,
I'm married!"
Broken Coffee Table $39.99
Hot Breakfast $4.20
Two Aspirins 38 cents
Saying the right thing at the right time . . Priceless

[Taliesin]

Seven miracles of the Soviet times:

*There is no unemployment, but nobody works.
*Nobody works, but plan gets filled
*Plan gets filled, but shops are empty
*Shops are empty, but there are queues everywhere
*There are queues everywhere, but we are on the sill of prosperity.
*We are on the sill of prosperity, but nobody is content
*Nobody is content, but everyone votes for.

[kilted exile]

A Scotsman was shipwrecked and finally washed ashore on a small island. As he regains consciousness on the beach, he sees a beautiful unclad nymph standing over him.

She asks, "Would you like some food? "The Scot hoarsely croaks, "Och, lassie, I havna' ittin a bite in a week and I am verra hungry!" She disappears into the woods and quickly comes back with a heaping helping of haggis.

When he has choked it down, she asks, "Would you like something to drink?" "Och, aye! That haggis has made me verra thirsty and I wad verra much like a drink!" She goes off into the woods again and returns with a bottle of 75-year-old single-malt Scotch whiskey.

The Scotsman is beginning to think that he's in heaven when the unclad nymph leans closer and says, "Would you like to play around?"

"Och, lassie, don't tell me ye've got a golf course here too!"

[RobinHood3000]

Hahaha...reminds me of all the naked mermaids I encountered in my travels.

[Jean-Baptiste]

This is my favorite joke, pun actually; I have never had anyone actually laugh when I tell it, but if I could I would line everyone in the world up and tell it to them one by one, and I'd laugh every time. It's from a book from the late nineteenth century, and I found it through reading "Ulysses" (Mr. Bloom thinks about the punch line while he's eating lunch.)

Why should no man starve in the deserts of Arabia?

Because of the sand which is there.

How came the sandwiches there?

The tribe of Ham was bred there and mustered.

[kilted exile]

Paddy staggered home very late after another evening with his drinking buddy, Mick. He took off his shoes to avoid waking his wife, Brigit. He tiptoed as quietly as he could toward the stairs leading to their upstairs bedroom, but misjudged the bottom step. As he caught himself by grabbing the banister, his body swung around and he landed heavily on his rump. A whiskey bottle in each back pocket broke and made the landing especially painful. Managing not to yell, Paddy sprung up, pulled down his pants, and looked in the hall mirror to see that his backside was cut and bleeding. He managed to quietly find a full box of Band-Aids and began putting a Band-Aid as best he could on each place he saw blood. He then hid the now almost empty Band-Aid box and shuffled and stumbled his way to bed.
In the morning, Paddy woke up with searing pain in both his head and backside and Brigit staring at him from across the room. She said, "You were drunk again last night weren't you Paddy?"

Paddy said, "Why would you say such a mean thing?"

"Well," Brigit said, "it could be the open front door, it could be the broken glass at the bottom of the stairs, it could be the drops of blood trailing through the house, it could be your bloodshot eyes, but mostly it's all those Band-Aids stuck on the hall mirror."

[Virgil]

This is my favorite joke, pun actually; I have never had anyone actually laugh when I tell it, but if I could I would line everyone in the world up and tell it to them one by one, and I'd laugh every time. It's from a book from the late nineteenth century, and I found it through reading "Ulysses" (Mr. Bloom thinks about the punch line while he's eating lunch.)

Why should no man starve in the deserts of Arabia?

Because of the sand which is there.

How came the sandwiches there?

The tribe of Ham was bred there and mustered.

I laughed. I don't remember reading it in Ulysses, but it's something Joyce would do.

[Virgil]

Paddy staggered home very late after another evening with his drinking buddy, Mick. He took off his shoes to avoid waking his wife, Brigit. He tiptoed as quietly as he could toward the stairs leading to their upstairs bedroom, but misjudged the bottom step. As he caught himself by grabbing the banister, his body swung around and he landed heavily on his rump. A whiskey bottle in each back pocket broke and made the landing especially painful. Managing not to yell, Paddy sprung up, pulled down his pants, and looked in the hall mirror to see that his backside was cut and bleeding. He managed to quietly find a full box of Band-Aids and began putting a Band-Aid as best he could on each place he saw blood. He then hid the now almost empty Band-Aid box and shuffled and stumbled his way to bed.
In the morning, Paddy woke up with searing pain in both his head and backside and Brigit staring at him from across the room. She said, "You were drunk again last night weren't you Paddy?"

Paddy said, "Why would you say such a mean thing?"

"Well," Brigit said, "it could be the open front door, it could be the broken glass at the bottom of the stairs, it could be the drops of blood trailing through the house, it could be your bloodshot eyes, but mostly it's all those Band-Aids stuck on the hall mirror."

I almost posted this very joke Kilt a while back. I'm glad you did. It's very visually funny.