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Thread: Auntie's Anti-Poems

  1. #286
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    Mandatum

    Sure, I remember the man.
    He was sitting right there,
    on the center stool
    of the bar. Brought in
    a bunch of his buddies–must've
    been a dozen of ‘em. Like
    college kids in total awe
    of their professor, they hung
    on his every word.

    Their fawning flattery he sloughed
    off like a ratty old coat. I got
    the feeling he was the kind of guy
    who'd gladly scratch your back
    without expecting a back-scratch
    in return, ya know? I bet
    he wouldn't even mind washing
    some bum’s smelly feet. I swear
    if a thug had rushed into my joint
    and fired off an Uzi, he'd throw
    himself in front of the bullets.
    I mean, he split his sandwich
    with his friends, kept buying them rounds.

    You'd think a guy like that
    wouldn't have an enemy in the world,
    right? But– “Watch out
    “for the ones who hate me,” he says.
    “They'll eat you alive. They'll scatter
    discord like promiscuous seeds, strangle
    you as a vine. They'll pit
    each of you against the other, trick
    you into betraying me.”

    “Oh, no, Chief! Not us!” every last
    one of them cried. “Oh, yes,” he says,
    “One of you will turn me in.” Now here’s
    the thing that knocked me out – I swear
    on my mother’s grave!–he shrugged!
    “What are you going to do?” he says.
    “It has to be done.”

    You'll never believe what
    he told ‘em next: “Love
    one another.” That’s it. Pretty
    simple, huh? Maybe not
    as easy as it sounds. I picked
    up his empty glass. “Another
    one, Sir?” “No,” he says,
    “I'm done.”

    Tell you one thing, Pal. It'll be
    a long time before I forget that night.
    Never saw anyone like him before
    (or since.)

    Damn! It’s dark in here.
    Let me open these blinds.
    Where’s it written that a gin-mill
    has to look like a mausoleum?
    Look at it out there, the sky
    half-blue, half-gold, the clouds
    rolling around like happy lambs;
    little green crowns poking out
    on the ashy branches of that big
    old corner oak; the relics
    of snow sliding off the curb
    and running like rivers down the street.
    What d’ya think? Are we
    finally gonna get a spring this year –
    or what?
    Last edited by AuntShecky; 04-22-2011 at 01:09 PM. Reason: 3 minor revisions

  2. #287
    Something's gotta give PrinceMyshkin's Avatar
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    How appropriate to the season, and how excellent a choice or series of choices never to have pushed the analogy with JC.

  3. #288
    It wasn't me Jerrybaldy's Avatar
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    Jesus Auntie. I bet you are a card to share a beer with.

    For those who believe,
    no explanation is necessary.
    For those who do not,
    none will suffice.

  4. #289
    Still, on a chalk plateau Bar22do's Avatar
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    Appropriate for the season, of course, but also adorned, as always, with your pitiless wit, humour and rhythm. I enjoyed the last S the most! Thanks! Bar

  5. #290
    Registered User Delta40's Avatar
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    Excuse my ignorance in writing but isn't that a bunch of prose? Don't mind me Auntry but I get pinged when my poetry turns into a narrative, rather then a set of images. Your poem is just that too. Not that I don't enjoy it. I'm under the impression that prose poetry is a preference rather than a rule breaker.
    Before sunlight can shine through a window, the blinds must be raised - American Proverb

  6. #291
    Freed by your indulgence deryk's Avatar
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    Well, AuntShecky, I have a feeling you have succeeded at one of those rare holiday poems that is not at all a chore at the expense of its syrupy context.

    Quote Originally Posted by AuntShecky View Post
    and fired off an Uzi, he'd throw
    "Heater", "gat", "burner" might make for more appropriate colloquialisms. Uzi has a sort of a comical touch to it though.

    Quote Originally Posted by AuntShecky View Post
    “They'll eat you alive. They'll scatter
    discord like promiscuous seeds, strangle
    you as a vine. They'll pit
    each of you against the other, trick
    you into betraying me.”
    I loved this block, it's such a potent quotation. Is it from Shelley's Queen Mab? It reeks of spiritual warfare.

    Quote Originally Posted by AuntShecky View Post
    "I swear
    on my mother’s grave!"
    This line made me laugh hysterically.

    Quote Originally Posted by AuntShecky View Post
    What d’ya think? Are we
    finally gonna get a spring this year –
    or what?
    This is such a sweet poem at its core. As Prince said, you pushed all the right envelopes. What a jovial hoodwink you've created.
    Last edited by deryk; 04-24-2011 at 05:06 PM.
    "My Soul, do not seek eternal life, but to exhaust the realm of possibility." -Pindar

  7. #292
    Something's gotta give PrinceMyshkin's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by deryk View Post
    Well, AuntShecky, I have a feeling you have succeeded at one of those rare holiday poems that is not at all a chore at the expense of its syrupy context.



    "Heater", "gat", "burner" might make for more appropriate colloquialisms. Uzi has a sort of a comical touch to it though.



    I loved this block, it's such a potent quotation. Is it from Shelley's Queen Mab? It reeks of spiritual warfare.



    This line made me laugh hysterically.



    This is such a sweet poem at its core. As Prince said, you pushed all the right envelopes. What a jovial hoodwink you've created.
    As witty and lively and passionate as Aunty's poem is, this dialogue between you and her poem is an entirely worthy companion piece to it. But then your comments are always well worth reading.

  8. #293
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    Quote Originally Posted by PrinceMyshkin View Post
    . . . series of choices never to have pushed the analogy with JC.
    Uh-oh. (It's exactly what I wanted to push.)

    Quote Originally Posted by Jerrybaldy View Post
    Jesus Auntie. I bet you are a card to share a beer with.
    A "card." That's an epithet most associated with yours fooly-- an unemployment card! Oh, I kid!

    Quote Originally Posted by Delta40 View Post
    Excuse my ignorance in writing but isn't that a bunch of prose?
    Well, I knew that's the risk one takes with colloquial language. I did, however, spend much time in trying to achieve a sense of rhythm in the lines and especially set up an arrangement of line breaks, which is the most prominent way a writer can try to differentiate free verse from prose. I guess as far as you're concerned I've failed. I greatly appreciate your opinion, though, Delta.

    Quote Originally Posted by deryk View Post
    This line made me laugh hysterically.
    As well you should, because your fooly resorted to using a cliché. It does, however, sound like something a bartender might say for emphasis.

    Thank you Bar for your kind comments and to allof you for commenting on my dramatic monologue from a talkative innkeeper to a inquisitive customer. The title is the root word for "mandate" or "commandment," which in earlier times was expressed as "Maundy."

    I'm grateful to those of you who liked the imagery, but --except for the modern references of Uzi, sandwich and such-- much of it has been borrowed from the original Source.

    Here are some of the passages to which my humble lines directly or indirectly allude, in the order in which they appear in the Holy Thursday liturgy, not necessarily in the order in which they appear in the poem:

    Is. 61 (via poetic license "green" was substituted for "gold" with the word "crowns," as a modern bartender would probably not use the word "diadems.")

    Rev. 1: 5-8
    Luke 4: 16-21
    Ex. 12: 1-8, 11-14
    I Cor. 11: 23-26
    John 13
    John 15


    Again, thanks to all with the hopes that you continue to enjoy your respective springtime celebrations.
    Last edited by AuntShecky; 04-25-2011 at 03:49 PM.

  9. #294
    Registered User Delta40's Avatar
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    I don't have an opinion on critiquing poetry in the same way that you do Aunty since I really do speak from ignorance. I don't think it is a matter of passing or failing here - just me learning.
    Before sunlight can shine through a window, the blinds must be raised - American Proverb

  10. #295
    All are at the crossroads qimissung's Avatar
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    A faberge, AuntShecky, glittering, exquisite, and beautiful.
    "The important thing is not to stop questioning. Curiosity has its' own reason for existing." ~ Albert Einstein
    "Remember, no matter where you go, there you are." Buckaroo Bonzai
    "Some people say I done alright for a girl." Melanie Safka

  11. #296
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    Sorry Auntie, a bit late with my appreciation, but it is very good. The JC analogy was obvious but not rammed down the reader's throat, and I enjoyed the wit and the rhythm.
    best, H

  12. #297
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    Thanks again, Delta --I'm your fan, and thanks to our newly-minted mod, Ms. q., and to Hawkman.

    Just to reiterate, because I feel like it: even though it's difficult, we have to try our best to follow the "mandate":
    Love one another.

    Up next--
    Blank Verse's posting today reminded me of this one from 3 or 4 years ago. I can't remember if I posted it on the LitNet before. If so, here's the encore:

    Gabriel’s Hounds

    Like rejects from a choir,
    they seem to wander
    aimlessly, or toddle
    comically in their
    geese-y, gawky way,

    the racket divining
    for holy water –
    a drainage pond here,
    an impromptu puddle there.

    Between the bullet and
    the bow they would pray--
    if they could--
    (both in English and en Québécois)

    instead of an angry howl,
    a gaggle of trumpets
    not yet tuned.

    Meanwhile missed grace
    assumes a guise
    of flight, a true
    arrow pointing
    toward Judgment Day.


    NOTE-- 5/7/11:
    The source of this comes from Brewer's Dictionary of Phrase and Fable, edited by Ivor H. Evans, New York: Harper & Row, 1981, p. 461.

    Whew!
    Last edited by AuntShecky; 05-07-2011 at 03:12 PM.

  13. #298
    Employee of the Month blank|verse's Avatar
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    Mandatum - Err, better late than never? Apologies for the delayed response to this (formerly) topical allegorical poem!

    It reminded me of Immram by Paul Muldoon, the modern master of long, narrative poems. (And a shorter poem called 'The Ferryman's Arms' by Don Paterson.) Muldoon is also a master of form, of course, which is where 'Mandatum' isn't as strong. Like Delta, I found this quite prosey - good lines of prose, don't get me wrong, but prose all the same. In your reply to her, you said:
    I did, however, spend much time in trying to achieve a sense of rhythm in the lines and especially set up an arrangement of line breaks, which is the most prominent way a writer can try to differentiate free verse from prose.
    I've sensed you're more comfortable with metred poetry and this might go some way to explain that. While line breaks play a part, they are by no means 'the most prominent way' to write in the style.

    Free verse works more to voiced stresses - technically called 'isochrony' - rather than artificial metrical stresses. Line breaks play a part by delineating or breaking voiced phrases or clauses and helping create a rhythm that (most often) has a regularity - but a natural regularity, so it can fluctuate, rather than one chained to metre. So I found the rhythm here quite unnatural and jerky. For example, I found a lot of the line breaks odd. This stanza in particular:
    You'll never believe what
    he told ‘em next: “Love
    one another.” That’s it. Pretty
    simple, huh? Maybe not
    as easy as it sounds. I picked
    up his empty glass. “Another
    one, Sir?” “No,” he says,
    “I'm done.”
    Why break phrases like 'Love one another'? Or 'Pretty simple, huh?'? Or the phrasal verb 'picked up'? Or 'Another one, Sir?' Breaking the language like this in the context of this dramatic monologue seems incongruous for this working-class, straight-talking character.

    There are a couple of other phrasal verbs broken:
    they hung
    on his every word.

    Their fawning flattery he sloughed
    off like a ratty old coat.
    Perhaps you have an argument with the first example, that it enacts the 'hanging on' being described; but I'm not so sure about the second.

    And I found the final stanza to be uncharacteristically articulate and poetic for this straight-talking bar tender!

    But all that's not to take away from the achievement of the content of the poem, which is brilliantly inventive and intelligent.

    And thanks also for posting Gabriel's Hounds - another enjoyable, cleverly-written piece.
    Last edited by blank|verse; 05-06-2011 at 01:54 PM.

  14. #299
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    Thanks to all who responded to earlier postings, and esp. to you, Blank Verse. Thanks for the nice references to Paul Muldoon (of whom I've actually heard and read a little before) and to Don Paterson, whom I will learn about with great pleasure.

    To your valid criticism, I will respond, as much as I hate "'splaining" (i.e. "justifying") my choices. Every line break is deliberate, with the notion of enjambment more than natural speech rhythms. I wanted to throw a couple of curve balls -- setting up one possible meaning while switching in the next line to something else, as in "pretty," "picked," (a ref. to the selection of the Apostles), "hung" you can fairly well guess what it refers to, given the occasion, as well as the two-word line "I'm done."

    I already posted the scriptural references for the concluding lines of my ditty, and already 'splained the difficulty of combining such with colloquial speech. Still if the bartender/speaker is "uncharacteristically articulate," perhaps we can say this.

    Thanks again! Now to the next one in Reply # 302
    Last edited by AuntShecky; 05-08-2011 at 12:31 PM. Reason: Poem moved to Reply #302

  15. #300
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    Re Gabriel's Hounds. Sorry Auntie, I seem to have overlooked this piece but I bleatedly took a gander at it. . Not sure why Gabriel's hounds though, with the reference to out of tune trumpets, maybe they should be Joshua's And why pointing towards judgement day, traditionally in these isles a goose was for Christmas, at least untill we acquired the Turky habit from our colonial cousins...

    LLAP - H

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