Again, an entry of mine. I'm curious to see what you all think of it -- obviously, I was aiming for a tone completely distinct from my last entry.
Here's the latest draft:
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Again, an entry of mine. I'm curious to see what you all think of it -- obviously, I was aiming for a tone completely distinct from my last entry.
Here's the latest draft:
Oh, you wrote this Robin? Not bad. This was my second choice, and I almost picked it. I should re-read it before I comment, but from what I remember you lost me on the ending. You can get away with one melodramatic moment in such a short story, and the initial premise is somewhat melodramatic, but for her to fall off the cliff it seemed over the top and the whole thing became melodramatic. I did really enjoy it though, it was very engaging, and I liked the weird dislocation of events that kept occuring. I'm not sure how you could have ended it. Waking up as if the whole thing was a dream would have been way worst. Perhaps you would have needed to introduce another character to complicate the situation and found an ending that way, but the word limit would have killed you. Good writing Robin. I think this was a better story than your last.
Well, it wasn't so much a fall as a jump :p.
I did worry that Eve's decision would be hard to swallow, but I hoped that I'd be able to characterize her so it wouldn't be too much of a stretch to see her as volatile (particularly in light of the circumstances).
Oh, by the way: I forgot to mention, the last line in bold, "You're cute when you're unconscious," wasn't supposed to be there. It was a typo -- I left it there so I wouldn't forget it while I was doing some tweaking, and I forgot to get rid of it in post-production. By the time I noticed, it was too late.
In short, everything that is written did actually happen.
Oh I had forgotten. Yes she jumped and I found that incredible. She may have been volitile but there was nothing to suggest suicidal.Quote:
Originally Posted by RobinHood3000
What? This was based on a true life story?Quote:
In short, everything that is written did actually happen.
Hmm...well, I'm not sure how to make it believable. Any suggestions?
No no no -- what I mean is, there's no dreaming, fantasizing, or projecting involved in the storyline. It's told as is, as opposed to non-linearly.
You mean the suicide? I think you would have had to bring up that personality trait right at the beginning and followed through. But that would have changed her personality.Quote:
Originally Posted by RobinHood3000
Oh, silly me. ;)Quote:
No no no -- what I mean is, there's no dreaming, fantasizing, or projecting involved in the storyline. It's told as is, as opposed to non-linearly.
Yeah, it's hard to peg just what makes a person suicidal -- I wouldn't call it a trait. With regards to her character, I wanted her to be cynical (as opposed to pessimistic or morose) but mercurial enough to swing from extreme to extreme.Quote:
Originally Posted by Virgil
This story was my third favorite. I just really didn't think it was a beleivable story. If she were to jump you'd think that she'd seem a bit unstable throughout the story, but if she were unstable would he still find her attractive? Its a difficult storyline to sell.
Well, I was also hoping that David would seem like the kind of guy who would find a woman attractive based on cup size, regardless of possible mental instability.
hehe, i think you've reached that aim... i thought the story was by the same person as whozzname Perfect Innocence or something in the first competition... they were both about murder/suicide, so i got fooled... :)Quote:
Originally Posted by RobinHood3000
i liked your story a lot, but I agree that the ending is a bit weird... on the other hand, i found it interesting, because it gives the reader ample opportunity for speculation..... Eve doesn't come across as volatile enough throughout the story though... on the otherhand, .. doesn't the guy get knocked off his horse or something? that kind of prefigures that things aren't going to be all rosy
actually, your story was one of my faves, but i didn't vote for it on the basis of a silly prejudice against thrillers/crime stories/horror etc... nothing to do with the story as such really....
Eh, the one vote wouldn't have made a difference, anyway...
Actually, I'd hoped that the first few paragraphs would make pretty clear that something terrible would happen at the end of the work.
Quote:
Dark and stormy nights are underrated… terrible things have happened on days that were otherwise perfectly lovely.
Springtime. Sunny. Clear. Bright, but pleasantly breezy. Hellish.
There’s a certain element of optimism inherent in waking up on a day like yesterday. As often as not, it’s also accompanied by equal parts irony and delusion.
Okay, I did a little tweaking to try and emphasize the volatility point. How's this?
Quote:
We rode through the woods silently for about half an hour before we got lost. Another hour later, we were wandering aimlessly through the forest, looking for either the lodge or a cell phone recharging station. My head was bowed, deep in thought. “How to get closer to her… I wonder… maybe if I fell off my horse, then she’d—”
“I’m sorry,” she interrupted aloud, jerking me out of my stupor. She sounded sincere.
“Hmm? Sorry?” I asked.
“Yes, I’m sorry,” she repeated, more curtly this time. Apparently, she’d mistaken my submissive bow for hurt, and my poor hearing for arrogance. “Jesus Christ, do you have to drag it out??” Her head snapped in my direction, suddenly agitated.
“Okay, I apologize, I didn’t mean to… sorry for what?”
She calmed down, suddenly. It was a little eerie, to tell the truth. “For being cruel to you.”
“Can you help it? Or do you prefer to say that it’s your nature, and you can’t be something you’re not?”
“The first one.”
“Oh, well, then, apology accepted.”
“I shouldn’t be judging you when we don’t really know each other that well. For all I know, you could be a real nice guy.”
“Not likely, but unless you’ve been up to Accounting a lot, you can hardly tell.” She laughed. A good sign.
“So… you single?” she asked. The subsequent jolt in my chest caused me to fall from my horse. I landed painfully on a jutting tree root, and she rushed to my side just as I blacked out.
I thought this story might have been yours, Robin. Like Virgil and a few others, I think this would have been my second choice. If you want another opinion, I think you should drop the suicide angle altogether. I don't really see how you could change things to make that work. It's way too melodramatic and it doesn't fit the character as you've built her up. She's volatile, yes but not in a suicidal way at all. She comes across much more as the "belle dame sans merci" type to me, in control of everything throughout the story with the hapless confused guy following along. In fact Eve really reminds me more of Kim Novak's character in Hitchcock's Vertigo; the type who might fake suicide and drive him crazy, but would never really go through with it.
I thought the writing itself was good though, and apart from the ending I thought the characters were well drawn and the style compelling. The first line was a good grabber. Keep at it. :)
Yeah, I really liked the first line and the concept, but my biggest problem when I was plotting the story was trying to come up with precisely WHAT was going to happen at the end. I settled for one of the more terrible things I could think of (please don't ask about the real-life inspiration), but when Eve's character fell into place (I wasn't clear on what she'd be like when I started), it was hard to kill her off convincingly.
Hehe, it's kinda funny being a consistent second choice.
Oookay...there's something spooky goin on here, because even though you went for a different tone than you're last story, I still voted for this one...and I voted for your first one...does this say something about me? you? both?
I bet if you write a book of short stories I'd buy it :) lol
Haha, I guess so. Perhaps you find yourself mysteriously gravitating towards me in general. :brow: Or maybe you just have excellent taste. :cool:
Quote:
Originally Posted by RobinHood3000
Or both? gasp! :goof: lol
I'll claim the "excellent taste"... :D
Maybe next elimination, you can prove yourself three-for-three...
Don't worry, Scher, I'm not going to tell her anything about which one.
you have a talent Robin . Do your best to develop it and I hope to see you one of those famouse writers one day. Well , at leat your famouse here,right? good job.one thing to remeber all thrugh your life,criticism leads us to be better .
Aww, thanks, tenderness (may I call you tenderness?). I'm doing my best, I'm hoping to get published for real someday. I'm glad you liked the story (I assume you like it) -- any advice or suggestions?
naa, how can I advice someone writes that well :)just do not make anyone knowledge discourage your eagerness towards writing,I met many of the sort , and then you end up saying what the hell I was doin!
call me tender ,that'll be easier:)
Hmmmm,
Robin, you seem to be foreshadowing the later suicide a little bit in this passage...or so it seemed to me. Eve does come across as a very moody person, perhaps narcissistic as well. David seems like an immature teen, very eager for sex, but not so much for intimacy. Interesting story. :)Quote:
Eve suddenly lost her balance— the assets I had so admired before being the likely culprits— and began to tip forward. Grabbing her round the waist, I pulled her back with a shout of warning. She peered frighteningly deeply in my eyes as my voice crying “LOOK OUT!!” came echoing back.
Yeah, I meant it as foreshadowing just a little bit, I hoped. I wanted the incident to both establish that the fall was undeniably deadly and also to set up David and Eve's little...liaison.
Hehe, I'm glad you liked it. David is supposed to be a little immature, but in an adult sort of way, meaning he takes certain things very seriously.
Updated the version -- dunno if much is different, though.
Actually, Robin, the update may have lost some of the original's "spark." But the end is absolutely great. A suggestion would be to work from the end and go from there. Your ending is magical and tremendous. It opens more questions than it answers and that is what makes it great. Now, go back and bury hints in the text before the ending, that may make the reader turn the way you might want them to think, or leave clues that could be taken several ways. Add mystery to the mystery.
Pen. :thumbs_up
Thanks very much, Pendragon. My apologies for being so pushy about the critiquing, but I wouldn't ask if I didn't value your opinion.
May I ask which changes you didn't like? I need to get into the habit of saving drafts separately :blush:...
Well, tell the truth, I'm not really sure what it was. I just know that when I read the original, there was something that caught my attention early in the story that seems to be missing now, but I couldn't say what it is for certain. I do know that I wouldn't change anything about that ending, that is a cliffhanger to end all cliffhangers! But I would drop subtle hints that could mean anything or nothing from the moment the two meet. I'm apologize for not being any more help, but I would have to compare the two copys to see what I thought went the wrong way. But you can write, bro. Make no mistake. You can write! :thumbs_up
really great story there! The first thing that came to my mind were the characters. Their actions reveal them to be quite something. but you dont seem to describe with great depth like you did a little of in these last posts.
hey our Robin, I've just reread your story.
As I've said before, I liked it a lot but there are also some weak points... Let's blame them on the eeeeevil 2000 word limit, OK?
:lol: :lol:Quote:
Originally Posted by Robinhood3000
To be honest, David is a real jerk (in my humble opinion), but don't get me wrong: it's a very funny and enjoyable description of a jerk, very well-written. :) (er, this is not a weak point actually)
About Eve, I agree with PL and Virgil that the suicide is a little out-of-the-blue/melodramatic. But then, I don't really know what else you could do about Eve...
Maybe you could add a few lines where the guy speculates about her character or why she did it? Now that you're no longer tied to the 2,000 word limit you could also characterize her in more detail?
which takes me back to David being a jerk...Quote:
Originally Posted by Robinhood3000
*long ramble ahead, I'll try to be coherent, though*
Well, you said David is immature but takes certain things very seriously.
Maybe you can make that a bit clearer. I mean, obviously, the bloke is haunted by his "accursed memory". So it's quite clear that he takes some things seriously.
On the other hand, the ending seems to indicate that he got arrested because the police thought he raped and murdered Eve or something?
Which means, he's probably in prison/or at least had his reputation tarnished at the time he tells the story?
----> his taking her suicide seriously could amount to whining about his situation rather than wondering about why she did it/ being shocked about her suicide/suicide in general.
----> is this story intended to be about
a) David whining about how stupid he was and how sleeping with Eve landed him in trouble?
or
b) David caring about things and trying to figure out how it could happen?
The fact that he is a bit jerky tips the balance in favour of a) in my very humble opinion, because he's not a character one can easily sympathise with 100%.
Well, I suppose it all depends on what you intend the story to be about.
The way you wrote it, the whole atmosphere of the story struck me as a bit dreamy/surreal. It's definitely a great mystery story and a very good read. If it was intended to be that, there's no need to make changes. :)
But if you wanted it to be about "suicide is terrible" or "it's hard to tell what makes a person commit suicide" or "David takes certain things very seriously" you'd have to bring that out more clearly and add more explanations about the characters (make David less jerky and Eve more of a rounded character).
Wow, thanks, Sleepy. I honestly didn't expect my story to get so much attention. :blush:
You're very right about David being a jerk, which is what I meant him to be, by and large. I wanted him to have a little of the reader's sympathy (in the sense that they can relate to some of the things he feels), but of course, not all of it. And yes, you're correct about the reason why the police arrested him.
I wanted the story to convey the perspective of a David humbled and changed by what happened. I saw him as mostly pulled down to earth by the experience, as opposed to his somewhat carefree paradigm before it. He's as much bewildered by Eve's suicide as the reader. I admit, I probably should have made Eve's suicide a little more logical, but then, suicide is a hard act to rationalize in a lot of circumstances. Back to David, I saw him as being a little bitter about how he was treated by the authorities, but more fatalistic and hopeless about it than anything else.
Still, to be totally honest, I was just trying for a different tone than what I was used to. I wanted to write something dark for a change. ~shrug~ :) Anyway, thanks for giving my story a second read, I really do love the feedback.
heehee, remember, I set myself some homework over Christmas :) I like thinking about stories (rather than just reading them for entertainment and crying "Great, I love it, it's the best story every!" about each and every one of them ;) ), but sometimes it takes me a while because I tend to be rather busy during term.Quote:
Originally Posted by RobinHood3000
"I wanted the story to convey the perspective of a David humbled and changed by what happened."
Yep, there's an element of that somewhere in your story, although I'm not quite sure where that is :p Probably the title sensitizes the reader to that aspect, even if there aren't many heavy hints in the story itself:thumbs_up