The reference to each of the parents' eyes is extraordinary and powerful but would you consider ending just before these lines:
your parents don’t
get along
it’s true
eyes don't lie
which feel anti-climactic and explanatory to me.
Powerful poem!
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The reference to each of the parents' eyes is extraordinary and powerful but would you consider ending just before these lines:
your parents don’t
get along
it’s true
eyes don't lie
which feel anti-climactic and explanatory to me.
Powerful poem!
I have to agree with Prince. I loved this poem when you entered it in the 'eyes don't lie' comp but now you are free to remove the quote..... if you want to, of course.
H
Delta, it creeped you out? ohhh. Welcome to my world.
Thanks for the nice comment, much appreciated.
Prince, yes I knew I overwrite, but that's so unlike me... but I do need "don't get along", that's the crux of the poem.
Hill you're right, thanks! I was debating whether to end after "don't get along", that's the stinger, what comes after that is commentary. I'll chop it down now.
Hi Haunted.
This was a revisit for me as I must have read it when it was part of the competition that Hill mentioned.
Your mum's eyes, your father's eyes, your eyes. Closed opened and mismatched. Clever stuff.
I see you have changed the end and wondered if 'fight' should be 'fought' as they are deceased. But then again the last stanza could be before they died... :)
Eyes still open trying to figure out where it all want wrong is truely memorable, Haunted, great stuff.
cheers
Jerry
Good point Jerry, I overlooked the timeline which seemed confusing. I reworked it slightly.
Quote:
dead on
last I saw mom
in the morgue
her eyes were shut
she doesn’t want to see
the man she married
ever again
when my father passed
his eyes were open
still trying to figure out
where it all went wrong
growing up
a psychic saw me and said
kid your eyes...they don't match
your mom and dad
fight all the time, yes?
A Short Collection of Trashy Poems
introduction
D22 westbound
Victoria’s other secret
paper chase
love story
forcast
overnight snow
the little dancer
his green eyes
September 2nd
existence
dinner date
don't take my baby
car talk
Google Earth
dead on
My name is Jane
all I ever want for Christmas
hazardous driving
fashionably speaking
of cat and men (a Christmas poem)
the anesthesiologist
postmarked 1948
he says it’s sacred
so they must...must keep it
their sweet little secret
whenever she misses him
she lays down on a bed of letters
this is where he is
when he is not here
as soon as her eyes close
she can feel the steel tip
his love infused fountain pen
pushing hard and harder
into the exquisite stationery
leaving one unmistakable
pregnant chad
afterwards she swoons over
every trace of saliva he left
on the linen envelopes
each sealed with a lie
A poem truely worthy of its post marked date haunted. The bittersweetness and then the hit of the final line and the third stanza particularly, are soaked in the class of your own fountain pen. I had to look up 'chad'. To then come up with a pregnant chad, well all respect to you haunted.
Brilliant
Jerry
Loved this for the imagery of her swooning on a bed of letters - and the final line when the reader sees the desperation of her situation even if she does not. And it's written so elegantly.....
H
Sounds all too familiar Haunted... Nice one.
That repeated "must" in line 2 does wonders to prepare one for the revelation at the end of her awareness that he has been lying - all along. The "exquisite" stationary and the linen envelope are very effective details.
Hi Haunted. I like this poem, it's very efective.
"whenever she misses him
she lays on a bed of letters
this is where he is
when he is not here"
However, lays, should be lies. Now I can see why you would not want to use lies, as the punchline of the poem is lie, so you could say, "She lays herself [down] on a bed of letters" The down is optional.
Best, H
You must read minds Hawk, I was debating with myself, lie or lay, lay or lie.... I abhorred at the thought of having to use "lie" because of my lifelong hatred to repeat the same word twice in a poem, and also exactly as you said, it might take from the punchline. I would sacrifice everything for a knockout punchline...my house, my integrity, even grammar!
Thanks Jerry, your comment is so eloquent, did you write it with an old fountain pen? Hail to 1948! And those hanging chads, pregnant chads, they came right out of American politics. The fact that it works so well, I have all those stupid politicians to thank.
Hill, thanks for the comment. And yes, everyone knew except her, or maybe she just didn't care....
Thanks Mary. The way you said it...sigh.
Thank you Prince! After the linen envelopes I did try a line with 20% cotton paper but decided not to push it, it may look forced.
The best solution would be to say, "she reclines on a bed of letters"
:D
Hawk, I totally forgot to make the change you suggested. I really like "lays herself down"...the optional "down" actually adds just the right pitch. But I opted to drop "herself", just want to keep it minimalist.
Quote:
Originally Posted by Hawkman
Wonderful Haunted.
...peace...
I appreciated it Hack!
I first wrote this to complete a Trilogy. I kept it short and sweet (maybe not) as a wrap up. But what I had in mind is more involved and certainly beyond the trilogy. Is this better as a standalone, or should I stick with the trilogy?
my name is Jane
water is my birth sign
I had no desire to
come back to land
the waves pull and push
my vintage lipstick red gown
until the layers of chiffon
open up all around me
like a rose in the ocean
he should recognize me
on the ten o’clock news
I feel a pair of eyes
gaze into mine
hopeless for answers
my white knight
gently picks off
my long dark matted hair
from my mouth
he notes the saline content
in my water filled lungs
most definitely from the sea
but it could also be tears
before he leaves the
temperature controlled room
he apologetically tags my toe
Jane Doe
Except for the change of tense in
he noted the saline content
this is definitely the superior version of this poem. I'm not sure it fits in the Trilogy now but it's strong as a stand-alone.
I fixed the tense, thanks Prince.
I feel better with this expanded version too. I didn't include in the trilogy more details because they wouldn't fit. This has a story of its own. So down with the trilogy, I'll get a wrecking ball....
I like this poem lot, it remind of recent peice I wrote 'The Slab' in short story about boy but was bit blunt.Quote:
Originally Posted by Haunted
Haunted your is one of 'Jane Doe' one place she will ever be.
Favourite lines are. 2 verse and last one.
Excellent haunted.
I am still re-reading looking for clues - is your knight white as he is dressed in white jacket in a morgue?
The second stanza is a thing of beauty with our heroine drowning? in a visually stunning manner.
It stands alone and I will now have to fight myself for 'Jane' verus 'love story'.
well done haunted
Jerry
The salt on my blistered lips
crackles on the stem of my pipe.
My sou'wester glows by a sudden moon
briefly free from thunderclouds.
Beneath a flapping throng of gulls
I see a woman like a taffeta rose
disappearing, reappearing
in angry whisps of spray.
I spin the wheel around.
I know her by any other name
and I would never hold her back
as she is on her way down.
Thanks zoo, I have to check out "The Slab".
Jerry you got that right, the coroner wearing a white coat. I tried white coated knight /the knight in the white coat...but none of them worked so I went back to white knight.
I got goosebumps...This would be how she wanted to be found, if not rescued by a seasoned sailor, perhaps a captain, with blistered lips smoking a pipe. What vivid portrayal, it's got so much personality in just two lines. Love the imagery in S2. Had to look up taffeta. Beautiful choice of word and visual. It ends just the way it should. Thanks for remembering her wish in Love Story.Quote:
Originally Posted by Jerrybaldy
Wouldnt want such a poetic death to go by unobserved
You did it justice, ah, you did right by Jane...
I know I bang on about this like some chuntering old git ;) but, this is such a good poem and I think it would get a bigger audience as a single thread.
Your poem completely inspired me.
*never mind*
New thread haunted, It is too good not to
all I ever want for Christmas
(if I can’t have you)
an advent candle night light
with infinite little fizzing bubbles
inside its delicate glass shell
to offer hours of obsessive gazing
magical nostalgic hypnotic
watch as they rise to heaven
how they cajole a myriad gold flakes
into a glittery dance extravaganza
effervescing enough to make me forget
the dark walls that are closing in
while I try to escape the question of
how will I ever be able to love again
Of course one is tempted by the last line to wonder if the subtext of the poem is not so much the birth of Christ but His resurrection.
Haunted, love to see you delving into the subject of the moment. You certainly have Christmans in your own perspective. The Christmas farce has arrived
The true "spirit" of Christmas...
This is a tragic sigh of regret (an entire sentence in one poem) which is almost hypnotic in the way it drags the reader into the vortex of the narrator's obssession with what she longs for but cannot have - made more menacing by being dressed up in Christmas baubles and bangles.
I'm not sure you need to include the first parenthesised sentence - unless the poem is directed at the 'you' and no one else..... which I tend to think not.
You obviously had your sad shoes on when you wrote this.
H
Thanks all for your comments!
Prince, very very interesting, I love that subtext interpretation, it wasn't intended though.
Mary, Christmas is certainly on my mind, thanks for the uplifting comment!
Bien, I'm afraid that what you saw as the true "spirit" of Christmas is only superficial. It's also an irony. The Christmas ornament is really a distraction from the cruel reality of loss.
Hill, you amaze me every time with your bullseye interpretation. We must have the same wavelength, I actually used the word "vortex" in one of the earlier versions!!! And yes, you caught that too, I wrote this in one long sentence. Not sure why though, it just flowed out that way. I used "you" for two reasons. One is to reference the song All I Ever Want For Christmas Is You, so it doesn't look like I stole that line, it's intentionally not being original. Secondly I also want it to be personal and to speak directly to "you". As always thanks for your comment!!
hazardous driving
I can’t see
where I’m going
the windshield is
a sheet of ice
even after the ice
been cleared
I still don’t know
where to go
I don’t bother with
clearing the back window
because I stopped using
the rear view mirror
it's too hard to
look back
I like the hidden message in hazardous driving Haunted
thank you Delta!
I admire the way you sustained the metaphor of driving a car, and the economy of this in general.
Brief but effective - driving along the road to nowhere.....
H