Bad news gets around—
Gossips’ sunburned tongues wagging—
Yakking nothing good…
http://i94.photobucket.com/albums/l1...lies/snake.gif
Printable View
Bad news gets around—
Gossips’ sunburned tongues wagging—
Yakking nothing good…
http://i94.photobucket.com/albums/l1...lies/snake.gif
I don't get your structures Pen, 5, 6, 6?
:-(
I usually let people go who miscount syllables, Mauvey, unless it's very outrageous, but perhaps the re-write is better?Quote:
Originally Posted by Bluemauvey
Bad news gets around—
Gossips’ sunburned tongues wagging—
Yakking nothing good…
http://i94.photobucket.com/albums/l1...lies/snake.gif
Yakking nothing good—
Criticism of everyone—
Burning the phone lines…
Burning the phone lines—
Gossip about the neighbors—
Just call the Newspapers!
Just call the Newspapers—
The National Enquirer—
All they print is lies…
All they print is lies—
One slanderer slanders others
Vicious circle ends
http://i94.photobucket.com/albums/l1.../disgusted.gif
I do prefer the re-write. And I do like the smarts of your submissions in general.Quote:
Originally Posted by Pendragon
I don't count out of pedantry, I just use the previous Haiku above the one I'm composing to measure the metre, that's how I notice. :thumbs_up
vicious circle ends
only to begin again
a faltering trend
a faltering trend
grows to a quake, shaking my
living soul of boots
living soul of boots,
Brittle reminder; lost steps,
Mud dried battefields.
mud dried battlefields
spring daisy-hope from bloodspill,
summer dries the rain
summer dries the rain;
and blood-curdling voices of
anguish rise in air
eek, that's a hard one to follow, so forgive it's faulty tense.
anguish rise in air
lurid death whispers balloon
in demented heat
In demented heat,
Drudge they onwards through sand storms,
Heels split by sun's rays.
I like the James Wright quote, Riesa. It is very subtle in its expression
yeah, I could learn much from him, if only I could access my own subtletly. ;)
heels split by suns rays
as pomegranate skin bursts
on neglected trees