This one I got off a video game
One atom says to another, "I think I lost an electron!"
The other atom says, "are you sure?"
The first one replies, "Yeah, I'm positive!"
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This one I got off a video game
One atom says to another, "I think I lost an electron!"
The other atom says, "are you sure?"
The first one replies, "Yeah, I'm positive!"
The man after his death was being taken around the Hell, to see the various types of punishments that were given there.
In one cell, persons were hanging upside down from the roof for whole day, in another persons were being belted by a salted lash, yet in another persons were being fried in boiling oil and so on.
The man shuddered as he viewed one punishment more gory than the pervious one.
Then in one cell he saw, the beautiful Marlyn Monroe dancing with an old man.
The man’s eye gleamed and he pleaded to the Hell’s attendant to let him have the punishment of the old man.
The attendant drawled: “ Man, this is not the punishment of the old man, who is Gandhi. This is the Hell’s punishment for sexy siren Maryln Monroe who is being made to dance with a no-to-sex-guy like Gandhi.”
I, too, got this from an online game:
Do you know what Mozart is doing right now?
He's de-composing!
:lol:
I convinced two sorority girls of the truth of the following joke, which I also got from Fallout 3:
"I once knew of a crematorium which gave discounts for burn victims"
A horse walks into a bar...the bartender says, "So...why the long face?"
2 men are in a bar on the 50th floor of a fancy hotel...
without warning, man #1 jumps out of a window.....
...only to land right back on the ledge of the window he jumped out of two minutes later!!!
man #2 says, " what the hell?!?!?!? how the f*** did you do that?!?!"
man #1 got all scientific about aerodynamics....
man #2 says, "your full of $h!t!!!"
man #1 said, "fine... you dont believe me? try it..."
being drunk and all.... man #2 listens and jumps...
only to hit the sidewalk at full speed....
man #1 said "lummox.... oy! gimme another beer!"
the bartender shook his head and stated, "Superman... you can be a real a$$hole when you're drunk..."
Superman only grunted....
Four men were chatting in the train:
1st Man: I am a Brigadier. I am married. I have three sons. All of them are laywers.
2nd Man: Strange. I too am Brigadier. I too am married. I too have three sons. But all of them are Engineers.
3rd Man: Very strange. I too am Brigadier. I too am married. I too have three sons. But all of them are Doctors.
The 4th man was squirming uneasily. But on the persuasion of other three persons, he said: See, I am not a Brigadier. I am not even married. But I have three sons, and all of them are Brigadiers.
Two new Ghosts were talking after their deaths as human beings.
First Ghost: How did you die?
Second Ghost: I died of extreme cold. And how did you die?
First Ghost: I died of shame. I felt so ashamed of myself that I killed myself with a gun.
Second Ghost: Will you explain in detail.
First Ghost: Well, I was suspicious that my wife is having an illicit affair. So one day I hid behind my house. Sometime later, I heard the voices of my wife and a man. So I rushed to the front door and banged it hard to be opened. My wife opened it shortly. I rushed inside and checked thorughly the whole house for two hours. But I could not find anyone. My wife was giving me strange looks, and suddenly I felt such shame that I put my gun in my head and Bang...
Second Ghost: You fool!... If only you had the sense to look inside the refrigerator, we both would have been alive today.
A rabbit hops into a bar and asks the barman: 'Can I have a cheese toastie please?'
the barman gets him the toastie, the rabbit pays for it, munches it down and hops out.
the next day, the same rabbit hops back in and asks the barman: 'Can I have a cheese toastie please?'
the barman grunts but gets him the toastie and the rabbit pays, eats and hops out.
This happens every day for a week where the rabbit orders a cheese toastie.
On the eighth day the rabbit comes in and asks the barman: 'Can I have a cheese toastie please?'
The barman replies 'We're out of cheese. We've only got bacon today'
the rabbit isn't fazed and hops up and down happily 'I'll have a bacon toastie then'
The barman gives him a bacon toastie where the rabbit pays and eats it then suddenly turns blue and drops dead at the bar.
The barman calls the vet who does a quick autopsy.
'what did he die of doc?' asks the barman as the vet solemnly shakes his head
Mixamatoasties
How to Make a Woman Happy
It's not difficult to make a woman happy. A man only needs to be:
1. a friend
2 a companion
3. a lover
4. a brother
5. a father
6. a master
7. a chef
8. an electrician
9. a carpenter
10. a plumber
11. a mechanic
12. a decorator
13. a stylist
14. a sexologist
15. a gynecologist
16. a psychologist
17. a pest exterminator
18. a psychiatrist
19. a healer
20. a good listener
21. an organizer
22. a good father
23. very clean
24. sympathetic
25. athletic
26. warm
27. attentive
28. gallant
29. intelligent
30. funny
31. creative
32. tender
33. strong
34. understanding
35. tolerant
36. prudent
37. ambitious
38. capable
39. courageous
40. determined
41. true
42. dependable
43. passionate
44. compassionate
WITHOUT FORGETTING TO:
45. give her compliments regularly
46. love shopping
47. be honest
48. be very rich
49. not stress her out
50. not look at other girls
AND AT THE SAME TIME, YOU MUST ALSO:
51. give her lots of attention, but expect little yourself
52. give her lots of time, especially time for herself
53. give her lots of space, never worrying about where she goes
IT IS VERY IMPORTANT:
54. Never to forget:
* birthdays
* anniversaries
* arrangements she makes
HOW TO MAKE A MAN HAPPY
1. Show up naked
2. Bring food
&
beer
^__^! I always bring food and beer and may or may not end up naked eventually :lol: I've got it covered.
:lol: OK. :DQuote:
Originally Posted by BeccaT
A Marriage Advertisment
I am ugly, old, financially broken, I would marry a woman with the opposite properties.
Q. What is an insomniac dyslexic agnostic?
A. Someone who stays up all night and wonders if there is a dog.
Quote:
Originally Posted by Joreads
Told to me by an accountant, so this is allowed too.
How do accountants relieve constipation?
.
.
.
.
.
They work it out with a pencil.
(sorry)
Although I am a big admirer of Mahatma Gandhi, I could not help but laugh remembering the following joke cracked by a student onstage during our annual college festival.
Question: What was common between Gandhi and bra?
Answer: They both helped for the upliftment of downtrodden masses.
I will start! :lol::lol:
My favorite quote:
"Don't judge a Book if you are not a Judge"
More Jokes!!
TEACHER: Who is your favorite author?
PUPIL: George Washington.
TEACHER: But George Washington never wrote any books.
PUPIL: You got it.
LIBRARIAN: Why don't you take home a Dr. Seuss?
PUPIL: I didn't know he made house calls.
TEACHER: How many books did you finish over the summer?
PUPIL: None. My brother stole my box of crayons.
TEACHER: How many books have you read in your lifetime?
PUPIL: I don't know. I'm not dead yet.
TEACHER: What did you learn from your history book about Harriet Beecher Stowe?
PUPIL: If you draw a beard and a stovepipe hat on her, she looks exactly like Abraham Lincoln.
TEACHER: What does your history book tell you about the Civil War?
PUPIL: It doesn't tell me anything. I have to read the dumb thing.
My father gave me a really cheap dictionary for my birthday.
I couldn't find the words to thank him.
If you don't know what the word "dictionary" means,
where would you look it up?
TEACHER: Why are you holding your textbook up to the window?
PUPIL: You told me to open it up to the Middle East.
TEACHER: Where is South America?
PUPIL: I don't know.
TEACHER: Where is Greenland?
PUPIL: I don't know.
TEACHER: Where is Bulgaria?
PUPIL: I don't know.
TEACHER: Look them up in your textbook.
PUPIL: I don't know where that is, either.
Laugh on!! :nod::nod:http://smileys884.notlong.com
Here's one that probably only philosophy reades will get, but anyway:
Descartes walks into a bar
He orders a drink
He gulps it down
The bartender asks 'would you like another'
He says 'I think not'
And poof he disappeared.
Probably been told a hundred times :lol:
Just came across this one. Just too good not to post,
The Older Woman
'I ended up with an older woman at a club last
night. She looked OK for a 57-year-old.
In fact, she wasn't too bad at all, and I found
myself thinking that she probably had a hot daughter.
We drank a bit, had a bit of a snuggle, and she
asked if I'd ever had a Sportsman's Double.
'What's that?' I asked.
'It's a mother and daughter threesome,' she said.
I said, 'No' - excitedly.
We drank a bit more, then she says that tonight was
'my lucky night'.
She asked me back to her place. When we got there
she put on the hall light and shouted upstairs:
'Mom, you still awake?'
:lol::lol:Hey Virg, loved this one... You have me rolling over in fits.:lol::lol:
Who is the largest Sir?
Sir Cumfrence, because he has all the pie.
Glad you liked it Mary. It had me laughing out loud when i saw it. :lol:Quote:
Originally Posted by Maryd.
Toward the end, I saw this one coming, but it was hilarious,:lol: -- P.Quote:
Originally Posted by Virgil
Well, I made this up hearing another joke of similar kind. It is just for laughs and hope it remains just that way. You may edit the joke and punch line because it has not still come out nicely.
================================================== ===============================
When Tim visited Jim, he saw a big strange bird in his garden. On a closer look, he found it was a young healthy rooster that has grown up to the size of ostrich.
Tim: Hey, from where did you get it?
Jim (pointing to an old non-descript lamp): Oh! It is courtesy of the Genie from this lamp.
On further query, Jim explained: Well, this is a magic lamp. If a person polishes it, a Genie comes out from this lamp and fulfills the first wish of that person. I have got this bird as fulfillment of my wish
As Jim’s wish was already fulfilled, Tim excitedly takes the lamp from Jim and rushes back to his home.
He closes all doors and windows of his house and draws in all curtains on the windows. He switches on music in low volume, and then in the semi darkened room, rubs the lamp with his finest cloth. There is a big sound and a big Genie stands bowing before him, requesting him to make a wish.
‘Give me two sexy sirens, one dark and the other one fair’
Again there is a big sound in the room and room is instantaneously filled with smoke. When the smoke clears, Tim sees in the center of the room, two statues of beautiful, shapely women, both fully naked, one dark and the other one fair. He presses the nipple of one of the statue beneath which was engraved-Press Me.
A loud and long siren suddenly rings out from the mouth of that statue.
Aghast, cheated, feeling like a person who has missed a million dollar opportunity just by a whisker, he trudges back to his friend’s house.
Jim was in his garden, feeding his big rooster.
Hearing Tim’s story, he sighed and said , ‘ Actually, you went from here in a tearing hurry without fully listening to me. I was trying to warn you that the Genie of this lamp has a very limited knowledge of English and you have to be very careful with your words.’
Pointing to his bird, he added ruefully,’ Do you think I really wanted this, when I asked Genie to give me a very big and strong c***.
I was thinking how nice it is to talk to intelligent people, like all people on this site. I am sure that most of you have a good sense of humour.
Plus every culture has it's special unique humour. So I would like to invite all of you to post some jokes or funny stories, which happened to you.
I don't know any tasteful jokes.
Tell a tasteless in other words :lol:Quote:
Originally Posted by Mutatis-Mutandi
I quite like this one.
The latest reports from the Internal Revenue service shows that it has streamlined its tax form this year.
It goes like this:
A. How much did you make last year?
B. How much do you have left?
C. Send B.
Here's another:
A man called to testify at the Internal Revenue Service (IRS), asked his accountant for advice on what to wear.
"Wear your shabbiest clothing. Let him think you are a pauper," the accountant replied.
Then he asked his lawyer the same question, but got the opposite advice. "Do not let them intimidate you. Wear your most elegant suit and tie."
Confused, the man went to his Priest, told him of the conflicting advice, and requested some resolution of the dilemma. "Let me tell you a story," replied the Priest.
"A woman, about to be married, asked her mother what to wear on her wedding night. 'Wear a heavy, long, flannel nightgown that goes right up to your neck.' But when she asked her best friend, she got conflicting advice. Wear your most sexy negligee, with a V neck right down to your navel."
The man protested: "What does all this have to do with my problem with the IRS?!"
"Simple", replied the Priest...
"It doesn't matter what you wear, you are going to get screwed!"
saw a pretty funny one on a bumper sticker:
"Encyclopedia for sale. Wife knows everything"
The bartender says "we don't serve time travellers here." A time traveller walks into a bar.
Two yoghurts were arrested for fighting yesterday.
They were charged with fromage affray.
A sailor gets shipwrecked, and the only other survivor from the luxury cruise is Megan Fox. They have some food and various containers of various supplies, and are doing OK. They get to know each other pretty well after a week or so. Very well indeed.... Very VERY well...
Then, one night, the sailor begins to make some unusual requests just as the sun is going down, and they're settling in for another campfire on the beach.
"Megan," he says, "would you mind wearing this sailor's uniform that I found in a crate?" He offers her a uniform, exactly like the one he's been wearing all week.
"Sure!" she says. "Why not, we're going to have to make do, after all, and I don't have much of my own." She puts on the uniform, slowly, sensually, letting him enjoy her journey through levels of undress along the way.
"Great!" he says, "Fantastic.... And, um, could I maybe get you to wear this sailor's cap?"
"Uh, sure," she says. "If you want. It's cute, I guess."
"Perfect!" he says! She senses something is odd. He is really beaming at her, now. He goes on:
"Megan, um, would it be all right if I called you Steve, in-instead of Megan?"
Megan looked at him, and her jaw dropped. This was pretty weird... She wasn't too excited about it--but then again, she understood that they might be together for a while on this island, and maybe variety is the spice of life... but still, it wasn't what she... oh, what the heck--
"Sure," she finally agreed, "You can call me Steve."
The sailor's eyes widened impressively and he erupted in ecstasy: "Steve, man! You'll never believe who I'm f***ing!!!"
Quote:
Originally Posted by JuniperWoolf
:lol::lol::lol:
Hey, Mick--get a load of Juniper's joke!
Thank you for jokes Brian Bean, your both jokes made me laugh!
I also liked joke about wife, who knows everything, posted by keilj.
JuniperWoolf thank you for time traveller.
Paulclem I laughed imagining your fighting yoghurts.
Thank you Billl for your sailor joke I liked it!
Here is mine, I heard it today and I hope I translated it correctly.
An ancient Roman coin was found with the following date on it '612 BC '
I had to read this a few times before I got it, lol.Quote:
Originally Posted by JuniperWoolf
Mines's a tasteless, cruel joke, and it's one of my favorites:
What did the blind, deaf, and dumb kid get for Christmas? Cancer.
Quote:
Originally Posted by billl
So, it was you!
A guy goes to his doctor and says 'doctor, doctor, half the time I think I'm a wig-wam and the rest of the time I think I'm a teepee. Does that mean I'm crazy?'
'No' replied the doctor 'You're just too tents'
:lol:Quote:
Originally Posted by billl
A mouse and an elephant are walking in the jungle. The elephant is showing off as usual, ripping up whole trees and smashing his way through the thickets.
Anyway, as they're drinking at a small tree, the elephant becomes thoughtful. "Hey mouse!" he says. "How come I can rip up trees and smash through thickets with my huge bulk and mighty strength, and you're so little, weak and puny?"
The mouse finishes his drink, wipes his mouth and turns square on to the towering elephant. "Well," he says, "I've not been feeling too well lately..."