Great one Claes!!
Great one Claes!!
LET THERE BE LIGHT
"Love follows knowledge." – St. Catherine of Siena
My literature blog: http://ashesfromburntroses.blogspot.com/
I am an accountant so this is allowed
What's the definition of unlikely?
A photo-spread in Playboy titled 'The World's Top Accountants - Nude!'
The accountant was visiting the Museum of Natural History and said to the person standing next to him, "That dinosaur is two billion years and ten months old."
"How did you get such exact information?"
"I was here ten months ago and the guide said the dinosaur was two billion years old."
Why do accountants get excited on Saturdays?
They can wear casual clothes to work
I can see this happening to me one day.
A young man shopping in a supermarket noticed a little old lady following him around. If he stopped, she stopped.. Furthermore she kept staring at him.
S he finally overtook him at the checkout, and she turned to him and said,
"I hope I haven't made you feel ill at ease?"
it's just that you look so much like my late son.'
He answered, 'That's okay.'
'I know it's silly, but if you'd call out 'Good bye, Mom' as I leave the store, it would make me feel so happy.'
She then went through the checkout, and as she was on her way out of the store, the man called out, 'Goodbye, Mom.'
The little old lady waved, and smiled back at him.
Pleased that he had brought a little sunshine into someone's day, he went to pay for his groceries.
'That comes to $121.85,' said the clerk.
'How come so much ... I only bought 5 items..'
The clerk replied, 'Yeah, but your Mother said
you'd be paying for her things, too.'
Don't trust little Old Ladies!!!
LET THERE BE LIGHT
"Love follows knowledge." – St. Catherine of Siena
My literature blog: http://ashesfromburntroses.blogspot.com/
I just remembered this one:
Borrowed from MODF at Military.com
I never dreamed slowly cruising on my motorcycle through a residential neighborhood could be so incredibly dangerous! Little did I suspect.
I was on Brice Street - a very nice neighborhood with perfect lawns and slow traffic. As I passed an oncoming car, a brown furry missile shot out from under it and tumbled to a stop immediately in front of me.
It was a squirrel, and must have been trying to run across the road when it encountered the car. I really was not going very fast, but there was no time to brake or avoid it -- it was that close. I hate to run over animals, and I really hate it on a motorcycle, but a squirrel should pose no danger to me.
I barely had time to brace for the impact. Animal lovers, never fear. Squirrels, I discovered, can take care of themselves!
Inches before impact, the squirrel flipped to his feet. He was standing on his hind legs and facing my oncoming Valkyrie with steadfast resolve in his beady little eyes.
His mouth opened, and at the last possible second, he screamed and leapt! I am pretty sure the scream was squirrel for, "Bonzai!" or maybe, "Die you gravy-sucking, heathen scum!" The leap was nothing short of spectacular...
He shot straight up, flew over my windshield, and impacted me squarely in the chest. Instantly, he set upon me. If I did not know better, I would have sworn he brought 20 of his little buddies along for the attack.
Snarling, hissing, and tearing at my clothes, he was a frenzy of activity. As I was dressed only in a light T-shirt, summer riding gloves, and jeans this was a bit of a cause for concern. This furry little tornado was doing some damage!
Picture a large man on a huge black and chrome cruiser, dressed in jeans, a T-shirt, and leather gloves, puttering at maybe 25 mph down a quiet residential street, and in the fight of his life with a squirrel.
And losing...
I grabbed for him with my left hand. After a few misses, I finally managed to snag his tail. With all my strength, I flung the evil rodent off to the left of the bike, almost running into the right curb as I recoiled from the throw. That should have done it. The matter should have ended right there.
It really should have.
The squirrel could have sailed into one of the pristinely kept yards and gone on about his business, and I could have headed home. No one would have been the wiser. But this was no ordinary squirrel. This was not even an ordinary angry squirrel.
This was an EVIL MUTANT ATTACK SQUIRREL OF DEATH!
Somehow he caught my gloved finger with one of his little hands and, with the force of the throw, swung around and with a resounding thump and an amazing impact, he landed squarely on my BACK and resumed his rather antisocial and extremely distracting activities. He also managed to take my left glove with him! The situation was not improved. Not improved at all.
His attacks were continuing, and now I could not reach him. I was startled, to say the least. The combination of the force of the throw, only having one hand (the throttle hand) on the handlebars, and my jerking back unfortunately put a healthy twist through my right hand and into the throttle. A healthy twist on the throttle of a Valkyrie can only have one result.
Torque.
This is what the Valkyrie is made for, and she is very, very good at it.
The engine roared and the front wheel left the pavement. The squirrel screamed in anger. The Valkyrie screamed in ecstasy. I screamed in .. well .. I just plain screamed.
Now picture a large man on a huge black and chrome cruiser, dressed in jeans, a slightly squirrel-torn t-shirt, wearing only one leather glove, and roaring at maybe 50 mph and rapidly accelerating down a quiet residential street on one wheel, with a demonic squirrel of death on his back.
The man and the squirrel are both screaming bloody murder. With the sudden acceleration I was forced to put my other hand back on the handlebars and try to get control of the bike.
This was leaving the mutant squirrel to his own devices, but I really did not want to crash into somebody's tree, house, or parked car. Also, I had not yet figured out how to release the throttle...my brain was just simply overloaded. I did manage to mash the back brake, but it had little effect against the massive power of the big cruiser.
About this time the squirrel decided that I was not paying sufficient attention to this very serious battle (maybe he was an evil mutant NAZI attack squirrel of death), and he came around my neck and got INSIDE my full-face helmet with me.
As the faceplate closed part way, he began hissing in my face. I am quite sure my screaming chan ged intensity. It had little effect on the squirrel, however. The RPMs on the Dragon maxed out (since I was not bothering with shifting at the moment), so her front end started to drop.
Now picture a large man on a huge black and chrome cruiser, dressed in jeans, a very raggedly torn T-shirt, wearing only one leather glove, roaring at probably 80 mph, still on one wheel, with a large puffy squirrel's tail sticking out of the mostly closed full-face helmet. By now the screams are probably getting a little hoarse.
Finally I got the upper hand .. I managed to grab his tail again, pulled him out of my helmet, and slung him to the left as hard as I could. This time it worked ... sort-of.
Spectacularly sort-of ...so to speak.
Picture a new scene. You are a cop. You and your partner have pulled off on a quiet residential street and parked with your windows down to do some paperwork.
Suddenly a large man on a huge black and chrome cruiser, dressed in jeans, a torn T-shirt flapping in the breeze, and wearing only one leather glove, moving at probably 80 mph on one wheel, and screaming bloody murder roars by, and with all his strength throws a live squirrel grenade directly into your police car.
I heard screams.
They weren't mine...
I managed to get the big motorcycle under control and dropped the front wheel to the ground. I then used maximum braking and skidded to a stop in a cloud of tire smoke at the stop sign of a busy cross street. I would have returned to 'fess up (and to get my glove back). I really would have.
Really... Except for two things.
First, the cops did not seem interested or the slightest bit concerned about me at the moment. When I looked back, the doors on both sides of the patrol car were flung wide open. The cop from the passenger side was on his back, doing a crab walk into somebody's front yard, quickly moving away from the car. The cop who had been in the driver's seat was standing in the street, aiming a riot shotgun at his own police car.
So, the cops were not interested in me. They often insist to "let the professionals handle it" anyway.
That was one thing. The other?
Well, I could clearly see shredded and flying pieces of foam and upholstery from the back seat. But I could also swear I saw the squirrel in the back window, shaking his little fist at me. That is one dangerous squirrel. And now he has a patrol car. A somewhat shredded patrol car but it was all his.
I took a deep breath, turned on my turn-signal, made a gentle right turn off of Brice Street, and sedately left the neighborhood. I decided it was best to just buy myself a new pair of gloves. And a whole lot of Band-Aids.
/Claes
Hanlon's Razor: "Never attribute to malice that which can be adequately explained by stupidity."
King’s friend would always tell that his laundryman resembled the king greatly in looks. So one day the King summoned the friend’s laundryman, and as he looked at the man, he too found the resemblance quite disturbing.
Still, not doubting his royal lineage, the pompous King asked the laundryman, ‘Man, did your mother ever worked as a housemaid in our Palace a long time ago’,
‘No, the laundryman said with a sly smile,’ But dad used to boast that he frequented the Palace as the favorite laundryman of the queens there’
You have to love kids for this one:
*Have you ever asked your child a question too many times? My three-year-old son had a lot of problems with potty training and I was on him constantly. One day we stopped at Taco Bell for a quick lunch in between errands. It was very busy, with a full dining room. While enjoying my taco, I smelled something funny, so of course I checked my seven-month-old daughter, and she was clean. Then I realized that Danny had not asked to go potty in a while, so I asked him if he needed to go, and he said, "No." I kept thinking, "Oh Lord, that child has had an accident, and I don't have any clothes with me." Then I said, "Dan!, are you SURE you didn't have an accident?" "No," he replied. I just KNEW that he must have had an accident, because the smell was getting worse. Soooooo, I asked one more time, "Danny, did you have an accident?" This time he jumped up, yanked down his pants, bent over and spread his cheeks and yelled. "SEE MOM, IT'S JUST FARTS!!" While 30 people nearly choked to death on their tacos laughing, he calmly pulled up his pants and sat down. An old couple made me feel better by thanking me for the best laugh they'd ever had!
What Are You Crazy!!!
Super lame science geeks such as myself will hopefully enjoy this...
How many moles are in guacamole?
Avocado's Number!
tee hee
I'm weary with right-angles, abbreviated daylight,
Waiting for a winter to be done.
Why do I still see you in every mirrored window,
In all that I could never overcome?
Oh Classic, that was so bad it was funny.Originally Posted by *Classic*Charm*
LET THERE BE LIGHT
"Love follows knowledge." – St. Catherine of Siena
My literature blog: http://ashesfromburntroses.blogspot.com/
joke game...
inspired by april fools day...
all you do is tell jokes, tell jokes, laugh, tell jokes, and repeat...
just one rule.... put "ba-dum-bum chh!" after each joke if you would...
enjoy!!!
Last edited by jekan blazer; 04-02-2009 at 01:01 PM.
HAX Energy Soda....
you only WISH you were aweome enough to drink it.
3 guys walk into a bar... you figure the third one would duck...
ba-dum-bum chh!
Last edited by jekan blazer; 04-02-2009 at 01:01 PM.
HAX Energy Soda....
you only WISH you were aweome enough to drink it.
One day, two monks were in the vaults of the monastery going through the old scrolls.
"You see, there are the originals," said the first monk. "All the new scrolls were copied from these."
"Can I see one?"
"Sure. This is one outlines the rules for monkdom." All of a sudden, the monk's face turns white and he falls to his knees.
"What? What does it say?"
"Celebrate. IT SAYS CELEBRATE!"
"Then I feel, Harry, that I have given away my whole soul to someone who treats it as if it were a flower to put in his coat, a bit of decoration to charm his vanity, an ornament for a summer's day"
Oscar Wilde [The Picture of Dorian Gray]
i dont get it...
HAX Energy Soda....
you only WISH you were aweome enough to drink it.
Haha, it's a "mistake" the Monks have made for years (according to the joke)... they don't have to be celibate, they have to "Celebrate."
"Then I feel, Harry, that I have given away my whole soul to someone who treats it as if it were a flower to put in his coat, a bit of decoration to charm his vanity, an ornament for a summer's day"
Oscar Wilde [The Picture of Dorian Gray]
a blonde walks into an store and asks the clerk at the counter, "how much for this tv?"
the clerk says, "we dont sell to blondes..."
the blonde says, "fine..." and walks out.
the next day she walks in as a brunette, (she has a wig on...) and asks the clerk at the counter, "how much for this tv?"
the clerk says, "we dont sell to blondes..."
the blonde says, "fine..." and walks out.
the next day she walks in as a red-head and asks the clerk at the counter, "how much for this tv?"
again the clerk says, "we dont sell to blondes..."
the blonde says, "fine..." and starts to walk out, but stops and turns around.
she asks, wait i came in as a brunette and a red-head... how did you know i was a blonde?"
the clerk says, "thats not a tv... its a microwave oven..."
ba-dum-bum chh!
oh ok... thats funny!!!
HAX Energy Soda....
you only WISH you were aweome enough to drink it.
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