Litnet's version of Devil's dictionary

Righteous- An adjective often used to describe 'dude' in the 1980s, which is becoming less popular over time.

Toaster

Toaster Invention of the Devil designed to either fail to toast bread or else burn it, with no stops in between

Flattery

Quote:

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Originally Posted by MarkBastable

brainstorm - rather quaint Thirties word overused as a newly-fashionable verb by inept middle managers.

"I want you, me, Simon and Tamsin to get together round a piece of wood and brainstorm this re-implementation issue."

Translation: "I have no f*****g idea what to do, but if I get other people talking about it, something might come up that I can steal."

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Har! Chuckle!

Flattery: Praise given by other people to someone you don't like.


Ornithology

Ornithology: Study of ornaments.


Mature student

Mature Student: One who undertakes study for some reason other than simply wanting to avoid getting a job. Not, incidentally, that the avoidance of getting a job is not a perfectly good reason for studying. It's the one that applies to 98% of university students, and quite right too.


Slang

Slang The second language usually spoken by people everywhere

Cash

Cash: An illusion upon which we have built our world - so long as we believe in it, it endures, but when we stop believing, everything starts to fall down. A perfect example of a human constant: only that which is invisible, intangible and unreal is suitable for us to live our lives by.

Monotony:

Monotony Doing the same experiment over and over and expecting a different result

Evolution

Evolution - a collective term used for the sequence of really unfortunate events which turned really cheerful chimpanzees into really miserable humans

edited- on the basis of a much appreciated advice:-D

mobile phones-

mobile phones - pretty much the quintessence of an unintended consequence. Mobile phones (or cells, if you prefer) were intended to free us from unavailability, but in fact shackle us to availability.


Apple

Apple- a leading company in the technology sector.
Minority also uses the word to name a fruit.

Dictionary

Dictionary A language lexicon that shows you more uses for a word than you ever knew were possible

Specter

Specter - A servant of an upperclassman who provides the service of looking at something and then describing it to his or her employer.

Fey

Fey: an injurous adjective not to be used in mixed company. For example describing a 9" Bandido President this way is certain to cause injury

Wriswatch

Wristwatch - A device intended to handcuff you constantly to the realisation of the brevity of your existence.


Christmas Eve

Christmas Eve: Two Days After Boxing Day, The Day after Christmas Day (If You're Travelling From The Future to The Past)

TragiComedy

Tragicomedy: The governing principle of human existence.

Misery:

Misery What appears to be the normal state of of a man, who then expects everyone and everything to follow suit, if not try to trump him

Mental Illness

Mental Illness - A medical condition that's all in the mind - psychosomatic prostate cancer, for instance, brought on by the fact that you've hit your early fifties and that's when both your grandad and your dad got it.


Optimism

Optimism - The feeling of constant joy over every little thing, even when the glass really is half-empty.

Self Actualization:

Self Actualisation: to mistakenly replace a light bulb in the bathroom with one of much higher wattage. This causes you to see yourself as everyone has for years and as you actually are, and - OUCH!

At this point most flick the switch and run to hide beneath the bed covers until morning, three days later

Prestidigidation

Prestidigidation Sleight of hand. Thus in politics, the ability to change horses in mid stream and to talk out of both sides of one's mouth at the same time. Also the inability to produce what one has promised during the campaign and blaming the voters for it.

Voters

'Voters! Voters don't know what's good for them! They get the government they deserve! Feed us peanuts you get monkeys! Give them bread today and they'll want jam tomorrow! And then they'll want a knife to spread it! And once they've got knives - well no good can come of it! Least of all for us!'

Doom

Doom: (The character) Mr Alberto Doom, harbringer of Generally Less Than Optimistic Circumstances . Often accompanied by his female companion, Ms Winifred Gloom, who likes to mope about her flat and complain about the weather and the quality of the television programming.

In Ernest

I.N. Ernest: First initials and name of our deadly uncle. 'I'm sure it was him put that rat poison in Gran's porridge.'

Computer Games

Computer games: One means of avoiding internet pornography while on your computer alone, and an excellent way to avoid exercise. Can be used as a temporary substitute for food, drink or sleep, as it induces screen-fixated trances of an indefinite duration.

Transformer

Ha! You forgot baths!

Transformer: Devilish toy devised by corporate child-haters, who under the guise of retailing something clever have in fact found the perfect method of not merely stifling an infant's imagination and assisting in their illiteracy, but also how to break things that were not designed to be repaired


Philosophaster

Philosophaster The philosopher who crosses the line first

Philosophy

Philosophy - the quest for wisdom by those who have none, via studying postulations made by others who also have none


Guiness Book of World Records

Quote:

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Originally Posted by MystyrMystyry

Guiness Book of World Records

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A list of unlikely extremes and improbable high-tide marks that you didn't even know were considered, let alone documented. For instance, it's apparently a fact that the most often misspelled brand name of a beer is Guinness.

Happy Hour

Happy Hour - fleeting period every alcoholic has known at least once, if but only once, within either licensed premises or no, perhaps whilst sipping upon a pot of Guinness porter


Miscellaneous

Miscellaneous That part of a hospital or auto repair bill that costs twice as much as all other components combined

Aspirin

We've done aspirin before, but I'll trot it out again...

aspirin - a highly-effective analgesic derived from the bark of the willow, which unlikely provenance is cited as an exemplar of Mother Nature's munificence by any charlatan attempting to sell goat dung as a remedy for athlete's foot or blackberry leaf tea as a cure for cancer


turkey

Turkey - the gobbler that we gobble up

(Also that person at a party who is having an extremely boring mental episode, the upshot of which causes them with single-minded determination to systematically isolate and corner everyone to explain themself. 'It's a Turkey! There's one at every party!')

Swan Song

Can I answer myself?

If so, the final performance of an acclaimed Hollywood actress of the first half of the Twentieth Century, causing one critic to remark 'A Glorious Swan Song!'

And another ''Twere observ'd by someone other than I that swans sing before they die
But 'pon my word 'twere no bad thing were this bird to die before it sing'

(If not allowable, disrespectul, or anything else you will no doubt think of, by all means carry on)


barbecue?

barbecue The prime ingredient in a tailgate party

Lost

I hope you're not waiting for me. because:

To be truly lost is to be never found, and is common with most folk I know who feel this way and/or are this way. It's a lifestyle thing borne of the realisation that the sum of any number of pointless achievements over a lengthy period does not one Moon Landing nor Sgt Pepper's make

But having said this, quite often to be lost and never found is a highly desirable state of affairs


civilization

Quote:

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Originally Posted by MystyrMystyry

I hope you're not waiting for me. because:

To be truly lost is to be never found, and I in common with most folk I know feel this way and/or are this way. It's a lifestyle thing borne of the realisation that the sum of the achievement of any number of pointless things over a lengthy period does not one Moon Landing make

But having said this, quite often to be lost and never found is a highly desirable state of affairs


civilization

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You haven't quite got the hang of this thread, have you?

Double Drat and Duel Dammits! Think I've just been found! Better hurriedly alter the wording of my last post, and wait awhile to post an explanation of conveying the sense of 'lost' so it sounds like that was my intention all along. Whew - that should cover my tracks


Also descriptive of the worst literary crime: in story telling, be it novel or television scriptwiting, perpetrated by cowboys desperate to launch a new idea without thinking it through to the end, and neglecting to do so the entire length, in the mistaken belief that it 'shall take care of itself'

Consequently, in an attempt to maintain a semblance of intrigue, new chararcters, motivations, flashbacks and ghosts in the machine are introduced with a spellbinding smoke-and-mirrors rapidity. If you aren't as confused as the 'plot' halfway through and persevere toward the 'end', bewildered by the thousand loose threads and when/if they'll ever neatly tie themselves together, and confounded by your second guessing coming to nought, then you may begin to believe conspiracy theories in subjects of no interest to anyone

It is a story without a story


(Thanks go to My Basketball for forcing a reconsideration)


civilization