Mir if I was as smart as you are when I was your age, I think I'd be in college by now! ;)
And Muhsin, what did you feel before? Surely, not one living in a mole mound? :) Cheer up! :thumbs_up We love you here!!!
Here are some jokes:
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Mir if I was as smart as you are when I was your age, I think I'd be in college by now! ;)
And Muhsin, what did you feel before? Surely, not one living in a mole mound? :) Cheer up! :thumbs_up We love you here!!!
Here are some jokes:
Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.
He who laughs last, thinks slowest.
Those who live by the sword get shot by those who don't.
Nothing is foolproof to a sufficiently talented fool.
The 50-50-90 rule: Anytime you have a 50-50 chance of getting something right, there's a 90% probability you'll get it wrong.
The things that come to those who wait will be the things left by those who got there first.
Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach a man to fish and he will sit in a boat all day drinking beer.
The shin bone is a device for finding furniture in a dark room.
A fine is a tax for doing wrong. A tax is a fine for doing well.
When you go into court, you are putting yourself In the hands of 12 people who weren't smart enough to get out of jury duty.
I planted some birdseed. A bird came up. Now I don't know what to feed it.
I had amnesia once - or twice.
I went to San Francisco. I found someone's heart. Now what?
Protons have mass? I didn't even know they were Catholic.
What is a "free" gift? Aren't all gifts free?
They told me I was gullible and I believed them.
Teach a child to be polite and courteous in the home and when he grows up, he'll never be able to merge his car onto a freeway.
Two can live as cheaply as one, for half as long.
Experience is the thing you have left when everything else is gone.
What if there were no hypothetical questions?
One nice thing about egotists: They don't talk about other people.
If the only tool you own is a hammer, every problem begins to look like a nail.
What was the greatest thing before sliced bread? Hmmmm?
1. You accidentally enter your password on the microwave.
2. You haven't played solitaire with real cards in years.
3. You have a list of 15 phone numbers to reach your family of 3.
4. You e-mail the person who works at the desk next to you.
5. Your reason for not staying in touch with friends and family is
that they don't have e-mail addresses.
6. You pull up in your own driveway and use your cell phone to see
if anyone is home to help you carry in the groceries.
7. Every commercial on television has a web site at the bottom of the screen.
8. Leaving the house without your cell phone, which you didn't have
the first 20 or 30 (or 60) years of your life, is now a cause for
panic and you turn around to go and get it.
9. You notice that the majority of grocery store shelf products come with a website somewhere on the label.
10. You get up in the morning and go on line before getting your
coffee.
11. You start tilting your head sideways to smile. : )
12. You're reading this and nodding and laughing.
Why do we press harder on a remote control when we know the batteries are getting weak?
Why do banks charge a fee on "insufficient funds" when they know there is not enough?
Why does someone believe you when you say there are four billion stars, but check when you say the paint is wet?
Why doesn't glue stick to the bottle?
Why doesn't Tarzan have a beard?
Why does Superman stop bullets with his chest, but ducks when you throw a revolver at him?
Why did Kamikaze pilots wear helmets?
If people evolved from apes, why are there still apes?
Why is it that no matter what color bubble bath you use the bubbles are always white?
Is there ever a day that mattresses are not on sale?
Why do people constantly return to the refrigerator with hopes that something new to eat will have materialized?
Why do people keep running over a string a dozen times with their vacuum cleaner, then reach down, pick it up, examine it, then put it down to give the vacuum one more chance?
Why is it that no plastic bag will open from the end on your first try?
How do those dead bugs get into those enclosed light fixtures?
When we are in the supermarket and someone rams our ankle with a shopping cart then apologizes for doing so, why do we say, "It's all right?" Well, it isn't all right, so why don't we say, "That hurt, you stupid idiot?"
Why is it that whenever you attempt to catch something that's falling off the table you always manage to knock something else over?
In winter why do we try to keep the house as warm as it was in summer when we complained about the heat?
How come you never hear father-in-law jokes! ?
Top Ten Countdown
10. Cats' facial expressions.
9. The need for the same style of shoes in different colors.
8. Why bean sprouts aren't just weeds.
7. Fat clothes.
6. Taking a car trip without trying to beat your best time.
5. The difference between beige, ecru, cream, off-white, and eggshell.
4. Cutting your hair to make it grow.
3. Eyelash curlers.
2. The inaccuracy of every bathroom scale ever made.
1. OTHER WOMEN
Below are four (4) questions and a bonus question. You have to answer them instantly. You can't take your time, answer all of them immediately.
Okay?
Let's find out just how clever you really are....
Ready? GO!!! (scroll down)
First Question:
You are participating in a race. You overtake the second person. What position are you in?
Answer: If you answered that you are first, then you are absolutely wrong! If you overtake the second person and you take his place, you are second!
Try not to screw up next time.
Now answer the second question, but don't take as much time as you took for the first question, Okay?
Second Question:
If you overtake the last person, then you are...?
(scroll down)
Answer: If you answered that you are second to last, then you are wrong again. Tell me, how can you overtake the LAST Person?
You're not very good at this, are you?
Third Question:
Very tricky arithmetic! Note: This must be done in your head only.
Do NOT use paper and pencil or a calculator.
Take 1000 and add 40 to it. Now add another 1000. Now add 30. Add another 1000. Now add 20. Now add another 1000. Now add 10.
What is the total?
Scroll down for answer.....
Did you get 5000?
The correct answer is actually 4100.
If you don't believe it, check it with a calculator!
Today is definitely not your day, is it? Maybe you'll get the last question right.......Maybe.
Fourth Question:
Mary's father has five daughters: 1. Nana, 2. Nene, 3. Nini,4. Nono.
What is the name of the fifth daughter?
Did you Answer Nunu?
NO! Of course it isn't. Her name is Mary. Read the question again!
Okay, now the bonus round:
A mute person goes into a shop and wants to buy a toothbrush. By imitating the action of brushing his teeth he successfully expresses himself to the shopkeeper and the purchase is done.
Next, a blind man comes into the shop who wants to buy a pair of sunglasses; how does HE indicate what he wants?
He just has to open his mouth and ask ... It's really very simple ... Like you!
PASS THIS ON TO FRUSTRATE THE SMART PEOPLE IN YOUR LIFE!
The day finally arrived; Forrest Gump dies and goes to Heaven.
He is at the Pearly Gates, met by St. Peter himself.
However, the gates are closed and Forrest approaches the Gatekeeper.
St . Peter says, "Well, Forrest, it's certainly good to see you. We have heard a lot about you. I must tell you that the place is filling up fast, and we've been administering an entrance exam for everyone.
The test is short, but you have to pass it before you can get into Heaven."
Forrest responds, "It shor is good to be here, St. Peter, sir. But nobody ever told me about any entrance exam. Shor hope the test ain't too hard, life was a big enough test as it was".
St. Peter goes on."Yes, I know, Forrest, but the test is only three questions:
First: What two days of the week begin with the letter T?
Second: How many seconds are there in a year?
Third: What is God's first name?"
Forrest leaves to think the questions over.
He returns the next day.
St.Peter waves him up and says, "Now that you have had a chance to think the questions over, tell me your answers."
Forrest says, "Well, the first one -- "which two days in the week begin with the letter "T"? Shucks, that one's easy. That'd be Today and Tomorrow."
The Saint's eyes open wide and he exclaims, "Forrest, that's not what I was thinking. But you do have a point, and I guess I didn't specify, so I'll give you credit for that answer. How about the next one?" asks St.Peter. "How many seconds in a year?"
"Now that one's harder," says Forrest, "but I thunk and thunk about that and I guess the only answer can be twelve."
Astounded, St. Peter says, "Twelve? Twelve!? Forrest, how in Heaven's name could you come up with twelve seconds in a year?"
Forrest says "Shucks, there's gotta be twelve: January 2nd, February 2nd , March 2nd . . . "
"Hold it," interrupts St. Peter. "I see where you're going with this, and I see your point, though that wasn't quite what I had in mind . . but I'll have to give you credit for that one, too. Let's go on with the third and final question. Can you tell me God's first name"?
Without hesitation, Forrest replied, "Sure, its Andy."
"Andy?!" exclaimed an exasperated and frustrated St. Peter. "Ok, I can understand how you came up with your answers to my first two questions, but just how in the world did you come up with the name Andy as the first name of God?"
"Shucks, that was the easiest one of all," Forrest replied. "I learnt it from the song . .
"ANDY WALKS WITH ME, ANDY TALKS WITH ME, ANDY TELLS ME I AM HIS OWN. "
St. Peter opened the Pearly Gates and said:
"Run Forrest, run!"
Fantastic!:thumbs_upQuote:
Originally Posted by Laindessiel
Lain, can I use some of your "laugh-laughter" posts in one of my other discussion forum?
Oh dear Forrest Gump. He can be really smart sometimes. :lol: (Did you watch this movie, by the way, Lain? I loved it!)Quote:
Originally Posted by Laindessiel
FAVORITE MOVIE, PENSE!!!! Every movie that Tom Hanks stars in is A CERTIFIED FAVORITE!
Ways to Annoy People
Speak only in a "robot" voice.
Push all the flat Lego pieces together tightly.
Stomp on little plastic ketchup packets.
Reply to everything someone says with "that's what YOU think."
Declare your apartment an independent nation, and sue your neighbors upstairs for "violating your airspace".
Claim that you must always wear a bicycle helmet as part of your "astronaut training."
Follow a few paces behind someone, spraying everything they touch with Lysol.
Invent nonsense computer jargon in conversations, and see if people play along to avoid the appearance of ignorance.
Finish all your sentences with the words "in accordance with the prophesy."
Wear a special hip holster for your remote control.
Signal that a conversation is over by clamping your hands over your ears
Holler random numbers while someone is counting.
Adjust the tint on your TV so that all the people are green, and insist to others that you "like it that way."
Drum on every available surface.
Staple papers in the middle of the page.
Ask 1-800 operators for dates.
Write the surprise ending to a novel on its first page.
Change channels five minutes before the end of every show.
Begin all your sentences with "ooh la la!"
Repeat everything someone says, as a question.
When Christmas caroling, sing "Jingle Bells, Batman smells" until physically restrained.
Wear a cape that says "Magnificent One."
Inform others that they exist only in your imagination.
Ask people what gender they are.
Lick the filling out of all the Oreos, and place the cookie parts back
While making presentations, occasionally bob your head. like a parakeet
Lie obviously about trivial things such as the time of day.
Change your name to "AaJohn Aaaaasmith" for the great glory of being first in the phone book. Claim it's a Hawaiian name, and demand that people pronounce each "a."
Chew on pens that you've borrowed.
Wear a LOT of cologne.
Ask the waitress for an extra seat for your "imaginary friend."
Stare at static on the TV and claim you can see a "magic picture."
Never make eye contact.
Never break eye contact.
Muwahahahahahahaha!!!
How many psychiatrist does it take to change a lightbulb?
One, but the lightbulb has to "want" to change.
Thanks. Yeah sure you can! I just got them from somewhere anyways. :pQuote:
Originally Posted by muhsin
I'm afraid or this one is beyond the Forum's rule. Here goes...
A man escapes from prison after serving time for 15 years. He breaks into a house searching for money and finds a young couple in bed. He orders the guy out of the bed and ties him to a chaiir. While tying the girl to the bed he gets on top of her, kisses her neck, then gets up and goes to the bathroom. While he's in there the husband tells his wife:
"Listen, this guys an escaped convict, look at his clodths! He probably spent lots of time in jail and hasn't seen a woman in years. I saw how he kissed your neck. If he wants sex don't resist, don't complain, do whatever he tells you. Satisfy him no matter how much he nauseates you. This guy is probably very dangerous. If he gets angry he'll kill us both. Be strong, honey. I love you."
To which the wife responds:
"He wasn't kissing my neck. He was whispering in my ear. He told me he was gay, thought you were cute, and asked if we had any vaseline. I told him it was in the bathroom. Be strong, honey. I love you too."
:lol: That is hilarious, Muhsin. :lol:
Hahahahaha:lol:Quote:
Originally Posted by Virgil
Yikes, Muhsin...But it is rather hilarious...:D
Confused: Is something particularly funny about kilts? (other than when I do a keg stand whilst wearing one)Quote:
Originally Posted by Laindessiel
How many egotists does it take to change a lightbulb?
...one; they just hold it and the world revolves around them :D
That is a very good joke, Kilt!
This is from a novel that I'm reading by Zadie Smith. I assure you that it is not what the author necessarily considers a good joke, and is merely used as a representative of what passes as a joke in a family that tells outrageously lame jokes--but I thought it very funny.
"What did the zero say to the eight? Nice belt.":lol:
Papya, you never heard part two?Quote:
Originally Posted by papayahed
The town was, again, bellringerless. The town elders put out the word that they needed a bell ringer. Nobody applied for the job until one day a man showed up at an elder's doors. The elder told the man that he couldn't possibly want the job as its very difficult.
"You must climb 2 flights of stairs, every hour on the hour, not to mention the bell is very heavy" said the elder.
The man begged, please, just give me a chance, let me prove to you that I can do this job. It was deeply important to him, he said, as the previous bell ringer was his brother, and he wanted to carry on the tradition. The Elder was moved by the man's plea and told him to come back tomorrow, and he will be tested. The man happily skipped away.
The man proved to be a very compotent bellringer (the arms must've helped), and preformed his job perfectly until one day one day he was walking up the bell tower and he heard voices at the top. He ran the rest of the way up and surprised a bunch of kids hanging out in the bell tower, he chased them off but didn't notice the mess they left on the floor. He knew he was almost late for the bell ringing, in a hurry he backed up as far as he could go and started running towards the bell and, wouldn't you know it, he didn't notice the banana peel, slipped, fell over the edge and plummetted to his death.
As he was lying there people congragated around, one gentle soul came out of the crowd and asked who this man was. Another bystander spoke up: "I don't know his name, but he's a dead ringer for his brother!"
Frosh: I see by the paper that nine professors and a student were killed in a car crash.
Soph: Poor guy.
-----
Senior: I bet you're from some backwater town where everybody gathers at the post office when the mail comes.
Frosh: What's a post office?
-----
Frosh: I hear the water in this dormatory is unsafe.
Soph: Oh yes, completely undrinkable.
Frosh: What do you do about that?
Soph: Well, first we filter the water...
Frosh: Yes?
Soph: Then we boil it...
Frosh: Yes?
Soph: Then we add the chemicals...
Frosh: Yes?
Soph: Then we drink beer.
What do you call 200 white men with clubs chasing one black man?
The PGA tour.
The Two Cows Method of Political Science and Economics:
Pure Capitalism: You have two cows. You sell one and buy a bull. Your herd increases and you get rich.
Pure Capitalism (real world): You have no cows. The bank will not give you a loan to buy some cows, because you have no cows to put down as collateral.
Corporate Capitalism: You have two cows. A large corporation buys both, as well as everybody elses, then restricts the supply so as to artificially inflate the price of cows.
Enron Capitalism: You have two cows. You sell eight of them. You go to jail.
Disney Capitalism: You have two cows. They sing and dance.
Alberta Capitalism: You have two cows. Both are mad.
French Capitalism: You have two cows. You go on strike because you want three cows.
Italian Capitalism: You have two cows, but you have no idea where they are. You break for lunch.
German Capitalism: You have two cows. You reengineer them so they run 200 kilometers per hour, eat once a month and milk themselves.
Japanese Capitalism: You have two cows. You reengineer them so they are 1/10th the size, and produce 5 times as much milk. Americans buy them, and then complain about how nobody buys American cows anymore.
Indian Capitalism: You have two cows. They have nothing to worry about.
Post-Communist Russian Capitalism: You have two cows. You count them and learn that you have twelve cows. You count them again and learn that you have 47 cows. You open annother bottle of vodka.
Canadian Capitalism: You have two cows. Vous avez deux vaches.
Libertarianism: Go away! What I do with my cows is none of your business!
Democracy: You have two cows. Your neighbors vote to decide who gets the milk.
American Democracy: You have a donkey or an elephant. It doesn't matter which.
Feudalism: Your lord has two cows. You milk them, and give the milk to him. Eventually, you die.
Pure Socialism: You have two cows. Your neighbors help you take care of them, and you all share the milk.
Beurocratic Socialism: You have two cows. The government takes them away and gives them to chicken farmers, leaving you to take care of the chickens. Then it takes away the chickens, and gives you two new cows. Then it takes both cows, shoots one, and poors the milk down the drain. Then you have to fill out forms to account for the missing cows.
Soviet Communism: You have two cows. The government takes all the milk, and gives you certificates to get the milk that you need. You stand in line for five hours to get it, and it is always sour. If you complain, you wind up in Siberia.
Cambodian Communism: You have two cows. The government takes both and shoots you.
Chinese Communism: You have two cows and three hundred people milking them. You claim full productivity and arrest whoever reported the numbers.
North Korean Communism: You have two cows. You interpret this as an act of war.
Fascism: You have two cows. The government requires you to teach them how to march. Then it takes both and drafts you.
Anarchism: You have two cows. They run away and form a commune.
Vegetarianism: You have two cows, and a lot of protestors on your front lawn.
Feminism: You have two cows. They don't think that's very funny.
Environmentalism: You have two cows. You go camping and get high with them.
Syndicalism: You have two cows. They throw you off the farm and handle the milking themselves.
Conservatism: You have two cows. You wish they were more like you imagine cows were back in the old days.
Zen Budhism: You do not have two cows.
Surrealism: You have two giraffes. The government paints one green and requires you to take harmonica lessons.
:lol: :lol: :lol: I haven't laughed this hard in a long time. :lol: :lol: :lol: Thanks, joe!Quote:
Originally Posted by cuppajoe_9
No worries, friend.
The Office Body Meeting:
All the organs of the body were having a meeting, trying to decide who was the one in charge. "I should be in charge," said the brain, "because I run all the body's systems, so without me nothing would happen".
I should be in charge," said the blood, "because I circulate oxygen all over so without me you'd all waste away."
"I should be in charge," said the stomach," because I process food and give all of you energy."
I should be in charge," said the legs, "because I carry the body wherever it needs to go."
"I should be in charge," said the eyes, "because I allow the body to see where it goes."
"I should be in charge," said the rectum, "Because I'm responsible for waste removal."
All the other body parts laughed at the rectum and insulted him, so in a huff, he shut down tight. Within a few days, the brain had a terrible headache, the stomach was bloated, the legs got wobbly, the eyes got watery, and the blood was toxic. They all decided that the rectum should be the boss.
A gentleman meets a young lady holding a baby and crying loudly.
"What's wrong , my dear?" he asks
"A man just told me my baby was the ugliest child he ever saw" replied the young woman.
" Here" said the man, offering the young lady a paper tissue. " I'll hold your monkey while you dry your eyes!":D
WAHAHAHAHAHAHAAAA!!!! Rolling on the floor laughing, Muhsin...
Although I think the Heart should be the BOSS. How would you live without it then? :D :D :D :D
A man goes to a shrink and says, "Doctor, my wife is unfaithful to me. Every evening, she goes to Larry's bar and picks up men. In fact, she sleeps with anybody who asks her! I'm going crazy. What do you think I should do?"
"Relax," says the Doctor, "take a deep breath and calm down. Now, tell me, exactly where is Larry's bar?"
German capitalism (Sleepy's verision): you have two cows. You hide them somewhere and claim they've been struck by lightning and got killed. You fill in lots of forms and get compensation from the EU. You use half of this money to buy two new cows and the other half to go on holidays. You feed the cows real grass in between the bonemeal. You give the environment inspector a bottle of schnaps to be on the safe side. You fill in more forms, claiming you do biological farming. You get more subsidies. You sell the milk of your four cows, which gets you even more EU subsidies. Lightning strikes your new cows....Quote:
Originally Posted by cuppajoe_9
___________________________
In the days when you couldn't count on a public
toilet facility, an English woman was planning
a trip to India. She was registered to stay in
a small guest house owned by the local schoolmaster.
She was concerned as to whether the guest house
contained a WC. In England, a bathroom is commonly
called a WC which stands for "Water Closet". She
wrote to the schoolmaster inquiring of the
facilities about the WC.
The school master, not fluent in English, asked the
local priest if he knew the meaning of WC. Together
they pondered possible meanings of the letters and
concluded that the lady wanted to know if there was
a "Wayside Chapel" near the house . . . a bathroom
never entered their minds.
So the schoolmaster wrote the following reply:
Dear Madam,
I take great pleasure in informing you that the WC
is located 9 miles from the house. It is located in
the middle of a grove of pine trees, surrounded by
lovely grounds. It is capable of holding 229 people
and is open on Sundays and Thursdays. As there are
many people expected in the summer months, I suggest
you arrive early. There is, however, plenty of
standing room. This is an unfortunate situation
especially if you are in the habit of going
regularly.
It may be of some interest to you that my daughter
was married in the WC as it was there that she met
her husband. It was a wonderful event.
There were 10 people in every seat. It was wonderful
to see the expressions on their faces. We can take
photos in different angle. My wife, sadly, has been
ill and unable to go recently. It has been almost! a
year since she went last, which pains her greatly.
You will be pleased to know that many people bring
their lunch and make a day of it. Others prefer to
wait till the last minute and arrive just in time.
I would recommend your ladyship plan to go on a
Thursday as there is an organ accompaniment. The
acoustics are excellent and even the most delicate
sounds can be heard everywhere.
The newest addition is a bell which rings every time
a person enters. We are holding a bazaar to provide
plush seats for all since many feel it is long needed.
I look forward to escorting you there myself and
seating you in a place where you can be seen by all.
With deepest regards,
The Schoolmaster
The Woman fainted reading the reply........ and she
never visited India!!!!
Some guys at my workplace do this..:sick:Quote:
Originally Posted by toni
:lol: Ah, cloacal humor. That's good stuff, Sleepy!Quote:
Originally Posted by SleepyWitch
I also like your brand of German Capitalism. :lol:
hehe, I was e-mailed the WC joke by my Indian pen pal.
hm, on second thoughts, my brand of German Capitalism isn't a joke, it's very realistic :lol:
Sleepy, I too read that Indian joke.....:lol:
:thumbs_up Love it!!Quote:
Originally Posted by cuppajoe_9
How many members of group n does it take to change a lightbulb?
x, one to change the lightbulb and x-1 to act in a manner associated with a negative sterotype of that group.
---
Three.
How many psychics does it take to change a lightbulb?
---
How many surrealists does it take to change a lightbulb?
Green, one to wash the banana and rhinocerus to illuminate l'ennui.
---
Recently translated from the wall of an Egyptian tomb: the world's first racist joke!
He: Did you hear about the Summerian?
She: No, I did not hear about the Summerian.
He: He was extremely stupid.
She: I had not heard that.
Remeber that this was before the invention of the lightbulb.
---
Did you hear about the (ethnic group) airliner that crashed into a cemetary?
The recovered 30,000 bodies.
Employees of Software Company are all worried. Some are roaming around.
Some are in loud discussions during office time.
Some Trainees, who had just joined, notice this and enquire about what happened to a senior employee, they asked, "What's going on?"
"Terrorists have kidnapped our Project Manager.
They're asking for a Rs.500 Crores ransom, otherwise they're going to douse him with petrol and set him on fire.
We're going from desk to desk, taking up a collection."
One Trainee asks, "How much is everyone giving, on average?
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"About a litre..."
The horror. :eek2: I was imagining me being kidnapped and the office taking up collections. They probably would have chipped in a liter each. :lol: Very good Maddie!Quote:
Originally Posted by Madhuri