Oh Haunted. Masterpiece of memorable images. You were right to lose those last three lines the lily needed no more gilding. I loved it.
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Oh Haunted. Masterpiece of memorable images. You were right to lose those last three lines the lily needed no more gilding. I loved it.
so glad you agree as well. *clang*
*clang* and kudos to you dear haunted
those three words
so I have this idea for a poem...
yet versions after versions went into the proverbial waste basket. I failed terribly.
then I got to thinking...why don’t YOU write it?
A Haunted Poetry Contest
...
I must admit, the title gave me expectations for an allegory of current events, but I decided that I was trying too hard. It's very vivid and painstaking. I'm still unpacking the possibilities. Well done.Quote:
Originally Posted by Haunted
Deryk, I'm guilty of taking big words and apply them to small personal events. The way you worded your comment is very interesting: Unpacking the possibilities, while the persona is all packed and ready to exit. It seems you understand more about the poem than me. Cheers.
"Charade" and "misgivings" could equally bear a thousand faces - the rest of the action was extremely precise, so it was a point to wonder for me. I just thought it was interesting that you left those points very open. I read it as an appeal to universality, not a misunderstanding, but room for reflection.Quote:
Originally Posted by Haunted
You got me there. I was intentionally vague with "charade" and "misgivings" after a sharply defined image of exiting metaphorically in black and white. There are a lot of gray areas in what goes wrong in relationships. I thought I would just let the readers to "unpack the possibilities" :)
ooh! I love this one. The second stanza is a fantastic image. Will you leave his misgivings on his side?Quote:
Originally Posted by Haunted
nay ;)Quote:
Originally Posted by Delta40
I want to take a moment to thank you all.
Your kind words and critical comments are priceless.
I'm a better writer because of you.
Goodnight Litnet
~ - ~ - ~
A Short Collection of Trashy Poems
introduction
love story
his green eyes
Google Earth
dead on
My name is Jane
fashionably speaking
of cat and men (a Christmas poem)
the anesthesiologist
Adam's apple pie
honesty
the fire
Sense and Sensuality
Goodnight Haunted. Sleep tight :wave:
Miss you already and you are going no where sweet haunted, see you soon x
Be careful what you wish for Jerry x
stay with me
he says something
I ignore him
it’s late
and then he sings
like his life depends on it
that gets my attention
my full attention
slowly I lie on the floor
my eyes fixating on him
he takes a step forward
throws his head down
now he's almost over me
stay with me he says
his fists tighten
the mike screams
but he screams louder
stay stay stay with me
pleeeease stay
stay with me
he’s relentless
I'm feeling helpless
staaaay with me he sings
I melt
I’m a puddle
of warm chocolate fudge
flowing towards his feet
he’s my new reality
on the other side
of the plasma screen
Wow, this one reaches out to me, Haunted...
"I’m a puddle
of warm chocolate fudge
flowing towards his feet"
Very nice my dear, very nice indeed.
Al Green? One of your finest moments haunted. The line quoted by maryd is a pinnacle in a poem lost in the joy of sweet sweet music.
I always enjoy reading your poems, and this one really made something vibrate in me (although, barbarian me, I don't seem to know Al Green – gotta Youtube the guy, I reckon). The only thing that puzzles me a bit is the single use of the past tense whereas the rest is told in the present tense (you know, the line "he took a step forward"). But not being a native speaker, I've perhaps missed something there... I sure have missed you and your poetic voice, haunted!
Thank you so much Mary, Jerry and Dieter, I'm thrilled it engages you! I fixed it, thanks for the correction D, my grammar is awful.
Alas, it's not Al Green, I don't know him, had to wiki him. It's Pat Monahan, here it is.
to a woman I used to know
I just want to
know how you are doing
did the nightmares stop
does the dry skin over your knuckles
still split open and
bleeds for hours
when you bend
your knotty boney fingers
mine are better
the nightmares that woke me up
now it’s just dreams
I can't wake up from
and I’m still bleeding
mom nod if you can
hear me see me
recognize me
any better
than the last year
of your life
how painful haunted. Like watching an aging parent fade away into the thick mist of dementia.
Hello Haunted. I missed this first time round. It is a great poem, with the concision of Okham's Razor. So simple and so effective.
best - H
A raw voice speaking to a dead ear!
Agree with Prince. What a hard thing to have to go through.
J
Thank you all for your comments!
Delta, glad (in a saddening sense) that you can relate...
Hawkman, thank goodness you found it the second time around, I value all your comments.
yeah Prince, that's the size of it.
Jack, thanks for the read and the kind words.
this kiss
he gently eats my lips
like they are liver delicacy
char-blackened by
designer lipstick as dark
as midnight
I lick every inch of his neck
before I nip on his earlobe
kiss my neck again
he moans
so I tease it with my tongue
and then I finish it off
in one impassioned bite
with my fangs
Hey Stranger!
I like this poem but I think the last two lines are too revealing. Would it help to slip in a full moon and/or a metaphorical feast? IMHO
the kiss
is a nice poem, Haunted! I agree with Delta re the ending. Sensuality is in the air these days! and it's not the beginning of the spring (well, not it this part of the world)!
Long live erotic poetry!
hi Delta and Bar, thanks so much for your comments.
I agree with both of you, but my brain turned to mush, this is the best I could come up with. At least I didn't say "blood red lips"!
lol. the red lips would have been too much! :lol:Quote:
Originally Posted by Haunted
You were extremely restrained in this kiss! ;) indeed! and charitable, too.
Hey haunted, welcome back! I must say I enjoyed this but I have to tell you it sparked some neurons in my brain which you probably never intended to reach - lol. Did you know that when the single strip colour film by Kodak was first introduced for shooting movies it lacked the red sensitivity of the old Thechnicolor three strip system. Red lipsticks always came out brown. The effect was called liver-lips!
But enough of this old movie history lore! This is a great poem and bags of fun. thanks for sharing :)
Live and be well - H
Bar, restrained in sensuality or bloodlust? If it's lacking that's because good writing eludes me!
Hawk, so glad you enjoyed it. I equally enjoyed the old movie history that transforms red lipsticks to "liver-lips". It might not be desirable on film, but it makes a mysterious color. How fascinating!
I agree that the last two lines - or the last at any rate - are too much of a sucker-punch and kiss my neck again ought to be within quotation marks or italicized, as one (or I) initially took it as being in the voice of the narrator, but the slow unfolding of this heightens the eroticism.
good catch Prince, I overlooked that. It's ital'd now.
It seems unanimous that I should do something about the ending lines, so I changed it somewhat. But not sure if it works. I welcome your suggestions and edits.
Actually I rather liked it as it was, it had more immediacy and was more tongue in wound, if you get my drift :D
Best, H
ok Hawk, I revised back to what it was before but added an extra line. I thought maybe it ended too quickly for most commenters, so perhaps this will help readers ease into the "sucker-punch" as Prince so aptly put it.
Works for me :D
H
thanks so much Hawk!
dad’s anniversary
he was sitting up and
staring into space
when he crossed over
few days later
eyes shut and shuttered
he sleeps in peace
how it fills me with envy
that I am not the one
in the satin lined box