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View Full Version : Just started this, what do you think? First time I have done anything like this



twaller
06-24-2015, 02:21 PM
The ball went sailing over the substantial hedge; smash! The two boy heard the shattered glass hitting the floor, their hearts filling with dread. They looked at each other and ran, skidding behind an old thick oak tree. Both boys stood with their back pressed against the tree their heads throbbing, terrified of being caught and being dragged back to their parents.

After what seemed to them to be an eternity the slightly taller freckled boy poked an eye around the tree. He could only see the top floor of the house the ball had hit, the single window looked dark and dead, undisturbed cobwebs engulfed the rotting wooden window frames. A shiver ran down the young boys back. Stories the older children had told them about the desolate house flooded his mind.

Pushing these thoughts to the back of his mind he crept around the tree slightly more to see if anyone occupied the dence, overgrown pathway which ran alongside the garden towards the entrance of the property. The scene he looked apon was still, no movement or sound.
Freckles turned back to his shorter chubbier friend, "I don't think anyones there, lets go before they get back!".
"wait!" said the chubby boy "I need to get the ball"
The freckled boy gave him an exasperated look and after pausing briefly replied," Ok, quickly".
.
The boys tiptoed a long the overgrown path, almost holding their breath, their ears pricked up. The path widened up allowing access for a small car however the covering of leaves showed that none had been here for a long time.
The same tall, impenatrable hedge ran along on their right side carrying on a long beside the gravel road apart from the large wrought iron gate which was now the only thing between them and the dilapitated wooden house.

Pompey Bum
06-25-2015, 03:41 AM
It's well written and vivid. You need to proofread for a few commas and capitals here and there, but there aren't that many mistakes. The set up for whatever is going to happen is quite effective (I'm in suspense already). If this is the first thing you have ever tried, then you seem to have some talent. Keep going! :)

twaller
06-25-2015, 05:16 AM
It's well written and vivid. You need to proofread for a few commas and capitals here and there, but there aren't that many mistakes. The set up for whatever is going to happen is quite effective (I'm in suspense already). If this is the first thing you have ever tried, then you seem to have some talent. Keep going! :)

Yeah I've spotted a few errors after posting but I just wanted to hear someone else's opinion, Thanks!
And I won a rotary competitive when I was 10, but got bullied for it so havnt done anything for last 7 years really :P