Of Kind

[Lykren]

Looming breath
in your shoulder’s valley
it looks like listening
the voice continues

why have we parted
what is on this earth
if not a great fall
from wingless heights

imagined clearly -
what clouds cannot contain
the body lives with

this is closer
this, closer -

[YesNo]

I liked the idea of what is on earth is what the clouds couldn't stop from falling to the earth. It is not clear to me what that means, but it seems an interesting idea.

[illiterati]

Looming breath
in your shoulder’s valley
it looks like listening
the voice continues

why have we parted
what is on this earth
if not a great fall
from wingless heights

imagined clearly -
what clouds cannot contain
the body lives with

this is closer
this, closer -

1st stanza was lovely--condensed, musical, tender but cutting, fresh
stanzas 2 ruined it, for me--it slips back from the hard-edged, quiet lyric into a strained, trying-too-hard caricature of same--
stanza 3--ok, but not sure what it adds.

what about just stanza 1, skipping right to: "this is closer / closer"?

[Lykren]

Many thanks to both of you for commenting!

illiterati, I'm going to decline to follow your advice because stanzas 2 and 3 are the ones I like the most, and what I'm trying to do is write the kind of poetry I would like to read. That doesn't mean this is perfect as it is, just that I have to go with my own impressions first and foremost. But please don't let that hinder you from commenting further. It's really a pleasure to be able to share and get reactions to my poetry.