Breath-Line

[Whisper]

Breath-Line

Hats off inside the house, we listen
for the sound of a mouse, a fly buzzing,
anything, if only for a small interruption
from the awkward, crammed together family members
in this unhappy get-together. So who died,
was the question asked by one to another,
and I turned but didn't recognized the face
but I'm sure I'll remember that sweater.
Pine trees in Semptember, what a strange thing to wear.

I'll remember you, Evergreen,
when the snow falls and the gass goes out
and I can't tell the white from the ground underneath me,
when everything's a blur, you might show up at my house
when I'm about to pass out from the smell
of wintry exhaust, cold, fumed carbon
monoxide creeping through the living room,
when its no warmer outside than inside,
you'll help me forget this smell of fermaldahyd.

[Jack of Hearts]

Hmmm. Curious. This is perhaps a great offering but this reader wants to see more of your work.





J

[virtuoso]

You do need a better adjective to describe what is being interrupted. You can't interrupt a crammed group. Maybe, interrupt the sighing, restive, noisy, clammering, or chattering group. What are the diversionary sounds interrupting? Also, "recognized" should be "recognize". What do you mean by "Pine trees in September, what a strange thing to wear". I do not get the sardonic twist. Pine trees are green all seasons of the year. Also, "I can't tell the white from the ground beneath" makes no sense. You can see the snow, so it is evident. It is clearly distinguishable from the hidden ground. You are focusing on natural and nurtured irony, but the ideas have to rationally mesh together. You have a good outline for a nice poem. Use this as a rough draft and re-write it.

[Delta40]

I like it because you remove yourself so well from the crowd. A little spell check would help though

[Jerrybaldy]

I enjoyed this, Whisper. It has an original voice and although quite cryptic it has a certainty underlining it. I look forward to more of your postings.

[Hawkman]

Yes, this is a very good poem which depicts the scene and captures the atmosphere very well. There is a tiny problem with the sense of the first three lines though.

"Hats off inside the house, we listen
for the sound of a mouse, a fly buzzing,
anything, if only for a small interruption"

You are elegantly depicting that awkward silence and saying how you are all hoping someone will break the ice, say something, anything. Fair enough, but the "if only" doesn't sit well in this sentence. You could say "waiting or "hoping" here and the line would make perfect sense, or you could put a full stop after 'anything' and make "If only there was..." the expression of a wish, which would also make sense. In both of these scenarios it would be better to replace L2's "for" with "to". Alternatively you could replace 'interruption' with 'distraction' and this would make the line read coherently, although I'd be inclined to replace L3's "for" with "as" in this case. As it is though, it doesn't quite hang together properly.

I'd also be inclined to change:

"was the question asked by one to another,"

One can put a question to another, but one asks a question of another, so it should read, "was the question asked of one by another," or; "...by one of another,". Either would be correct.

Regardless, this is a very expressive poem and a good read.

Live and be well - H

[AuntShecky]

Good title and evocative scenario of a family in (assumedly) temporary dysfunctional crisis mode, to use the pop psych term. But careful editing would have made this piece better. Sweep it for typos and glaring spelling errors: "didn't recognized," "gass," "Its no warmer" (you want the contraction for "it is": "it's") and "fermaldahyd."

Also, I humbly suggest one change. Delete "crammed together family members in this unhappy. . ." so that the line reads "from this awkward family get-together." The deleted portion essentially says the same thing, and the condensed line packs more of a punch.

Keep writing.

Auntie

[Whisper]

Thanks to all of you. Oh my! I am an awful typist. I should have given it another look before posting it. I have been doing my writing in a notebook lately, and things aren't quite transposing "as is" to the word processor. Pertaining to the spelling mostly. I have no excuse for some of the grammar.

I appreciate the kind and helpful words.

Whisper