The Dancing Statue (448 words)

[FatElvis]

The Dancing Statue

It was three years ago that the statue of a beautiful Adonis, set in front of a particularly affluent bank, came to life and started dancing. At first the people nearby stared in disbelief, but soon the effects became far more insidious. People couldn't look away, and soon all within viewing distance were transfixed by the dancing statue. Was it doing the Rumba... the Single Swing, or even a proper dance at all? No one could say. A man fell to his knees and wept. Children clawed at their faces, their eyes wide with uncomprehending horror. The statue moved in a rhythmic sway, smoothly moving it's black, shimmering body through space and time. A priest stumbled to the scene, hoping to offer some relief to those who were suffering from the onslaught of dance-moves, but instead found himself robbed of all faith and, revolted by his own god, ripped the cross from his neck and threw it to the ground.

It wasn't long before the police showed up, but when they witnessed the undulations of the statue they dropped their guns and huddled together, shivering. A nearby child, so profoundly disturbed by the sight of the dancing statue, plucked one of the police officer's guns off the ground and shot herself through the temple. This must have shocked one person to their senses long enough to make an emergency call, before falling over dead from stress.

Soon the military had arrived at the scene. A tank rolled down the streets, crushing all beneath it's heavy force. A hard, crusty general climbed out of the top of the tank. He looked back and forth, examining the crowd of sobbing, insane people (who only hours earlier had been happy Americans, no doubt on their way to or from shopping centers). When he spotted the statue, still dancing with unholy abandon, he winced and fell back but quickly regained his composure. The General remembered his time in battle, his brothers-in-arms depending on him for their very lives, and used that strength to steady himself. He readied his gun and slowly pushed past the mentally-destroyed reams of people. As he got closer The General's face changed... it morphed into something that resembled a freshly dead corpse stirred with newborn baby. When he was 10 feet from the gyrating statue he turned to the crowd, completely white, and reached unto his belt. He pulled out a grenade and, holding it to his heart, pulled the pin. Over 100 were killed that day but not by a grenade, but from the unnaturalness of a statue dancing without the aid of strings!

Since then the government has walled off that area over a 3 mile radius, never once checking to see if that awful statue still dances.

[WolfLarsen]

Wonderful! Wonderful! Wonderful!

[FatElvis]

Wonderful! Wonderful! Wonderful!
You liked this one? I'm glad! (Though I did not care for it myself.)

I'm looking for criticism, I've never written before really, so I'm sure there are many basics I should know.

What do you think of the new story below?

Niblet

I awoke yawning in my soft, frilly bed. After pulling myself up into a standing position I walked over to my bathroom and sat on the toilet. I stared directly in front of me in a sleepy-daze before I noticed a small lump on the wall.

There was a teeny, tiny little pink lump protruding from the wall of my bathroom, sticking out between the tiles. Still urinating, I leaned closer to take a look. The lump looked semi-transparent and also pliable. It reminded me of delicious plum-treats from my youth, or maybe certain types of sushi. I reached out and touched the little pink lump. Then I jumped back, my urine turning off like a faucet. The lump had wiggled.

The little wiggle from the pink lump had shocked me, but I still felt interested in it. Tentatively I leaned close again and poked it. This time it flexed and rolled around, as if I had woken it up from its sleep. What a cute little creature. I kept poking and prodding the lump, studying the effects my various touches had on it. When I petted the lump lightly, it stretched and pushed itself against my fingers. When I flicked the lump it curled into a little shivering ball against the bathroom wall. And now I was going to find out what it would do when I licked it.

I stuck my tongue out from my lips and leaned in close to the lump. My eyes crossed while me and the lump made contact. The lump liked this. It shivered and shaked, and clutched at itself. Suddenly I could take no more of this foreplay and absorbed the lump into my wet mouth. I sucked, licked, and nibbled for over an hour, making the lump twist, pulse, and seemingly engorge itself to a larger, harder shape. I only stopped playing with the lump when my bathroom started shaking.

The wall of my bathroom cracked and crumbled, while I fell back scared. Soon the entire wall had collapsed. From the ruins I could see the horrifying figure of a non-humanoid entity. The creature resembled a worm, but grown to a size of unnatural proportions. I had been sucking on the tip of a giant, monster worm!

I wanted to run but I was in such shock that all I could do was huddle against the toilet watching. The worm crawled out from behind the wall and bent its body to lean in close to me. On the top of the worm's form were folds of flesh, each one seeming to twitch and move independently of the others. But suddenly they all squeezed together and very deliberately made a pained series of sounds that resembled, “I... love... you.” I screamed.

The worm sat on me, slowly opening a fleshy hole near the bottom of its body. I was trapped by the weight of the worm on top of me, and so couldn't escape. The worm fit me through it's bottom hole, inch-by-inch, until my entire head was surrounded by worm innards. Everything was squishy, warm, and ribbed. After my head went in the worm-hole, the rest of my body followed quickly. I was trapped in the body of a worm, and soon I would die. My last memory was my head exploding and shooting my life-essence into the worm.

[Delta40]

Lol Fatelvis, you certainly have imagination and should definitely keep posting. I like them both but to be honest I think you're selling yourself short. They both have potential to be much more than they are atm. I prefer the first story and would love to know the possibilities this tale could take.

[FatElvis]

Lol Fatelvis, you certainly have imagination and should definitely keep posting. I like them both but to be honest I think you're selling yourself short. They both have potential to be much more than they are atm. I prefer the first story and would love to know the possibilities this tale could take.
Thank you for the encouragement! I am new to writing, so I'm glad my first efforts can be appreciated at all. :)

What do you mean "I am selling myself short" and that these stories "have potential to be much more than they are"? Do you mean I should make them longer? :confused5:

Thanks again for the reply!

[Delta40]

I think you have talent. Your stories are imaginative and your writing is good. Both are in your favour. It's only my opinion that the stories should have meat and 3 veg. They're not required to of course. We don't have to learn anything more than the following snapshot:

A statue starts dancing
people are affected
the statue could still be dancing
we can't be sure

You may see it as a complete piece of work while another believes there should be more because of how it stimulates the readers senses. One may also argue that it should be left as it is for exactly that reason!

[FatElvis]

I think you have talent. Your stories are imaginative and your writing is good. Both are in your favour. It's only my opinion that the stories should have meat and 3 veg. They're not required to of course. We don't have to learn anything more than the following snapshot:

A statue starts dancing
people are affected
the statue could still be dancing
we can't be sure

You may see it as a complete piece of work while another believes there should be more because of how it stimulates the readers senses. One may also argue that it should be left as it is for exactly that reason!
Thank you again for the compliments. I still don't like my writing, but maybe it'll get better. I'll take your advice and make a future story longer.

Thanks again! :)

[Delta40]

be careful that you don't become your own obstacle. your writing will only develop through more writing so get writing but start believing in yourself too.

[FatElvis]

be careful that you don't become your own obstacle. your writing will only develop through more writing so get writing but start believing in yourself too.

Hmmm... Thank you for the advice, I'll try to keep writing a pleasure and not a competition. :)

[RCH]

The Dancing Statue was a great little read. As said in earlier posts, this piece could quite easily be extended using more detail and maybe writing more about some of the characters. But as it is, it's still a really great story.
As for The Niblet, wow. Your decriptive writing is great, no confusion for the reader (well me anyway) as the surroundings and detail of the Worm is great!

[FatElvis]

The Dancing Statue was a great little read. As said in earlier posts, this piece could quite easily be extended using more detail and maybe writing more about some of the characters. But as it is, it's still a really great story.
As for The Niblet, wow. Your decriptive writing is great, no confusion for the reader (well me anyway) as the surroundings and detail of the Worm is great!

Thank you for the praise, that means a good bit to me! Feel free to give me any criticism you may have on future posts, I have more desire to improve than ego. ;)

[AuntShecky]

You don't necessarily need to make your stories "longer;" what you need to do is make them better.

Both scenarios show imagination, no question, for one of the aims of writing is to make the familiar "unfamiliar" and vice versa. But each flight of fancy (and/or) horror requires a structure or form uniquely suited to the subject matter. In your two efforts, you've essentially written the same thing by plugging in different objects: statue coming to life/odd worm-like organism attacking the narrator in his bathroom, but both strange stories are related the same way: heavy on the narration, light on the specific "showing;" there is little or no dialogue, but merely a set of simple declarative sentences essentially saying "This happened and then this happened."

Don't scrap either of these stories, but I suggest that you think about them and then revise them so the plot and themes have the best possible presentation: with subtle and dramatically specific details which engage the reader more fully.

[FatElvis]

Thank you for the criticism. I don't read much myself (I'm trying to change that), so I basically just report what I see happening in my mind. Do you have any specific exercises I can try, or know of any texts I should emulate?

Thank you! :)