Two things made her smile...

[Pete Ak]

Nana creaked her way around,
her memory-filled eyes brimming ancient.
Two things made her smile:
Love of God and breathing.
Tales tippy-tapped from her
butterscotch-syrup lips.
I buried my nose into her folds;
I smelled eternity.
She taught me to see
where the world's texture
is so very, very thin
That I must take care
not to rip it
and let emptiness in.

[Delta40]

I love it Pete. Do you need a hyphen between tippy-tapped? Great descriptor:

Tales tippy tapped from her
buterscotch-syrup lips.
I buried my nose into her folds;
I smelled eternity.

[Pete Ak]

Thanks again Delta for reading, glad you like it. I do think you're right about the hyphen so it's in now.

[Pete Ak]

Substituted "memory-filled" for 'tear-filled' eyes as "...brimming ancient" implies the presence of tears.

[Bar22do]

A vignette, a little jewel, Pete. Very nice and "eyes brimming ancient" is especially beautiful.

(it should be "butterscotch")

[Jerrybaldy]

Nice one Pete
particularly:

Tales tippy-tapped from her
butterscotch-syrup lips.

I think saying 'the emptiness' would help the closing rhythm.
But I could be wrong :)

cheers
JB

[firefangled]

I ditto all that has been said. This is lovely and dear.

[Pete Ak]

Nice one Pete
particularly:


I think saying 'the emptiness' would help the closing rhythm.
But I could be wrong :)

cheers
JB

Thanks Jerry, I did toy with 'the emptiness' - after the original line which was '...let nothingness in'. When I preferred 'emptiness' I thought it was best without the article.

[Jerrybaldy]

and let the void seep in ?? :)

[Pete Ak]

I like the line Jerry but it doesn't feel like something 'Nana' would say, which is my main reason for preferring 'emptiness' to 'Nothingness'.

[Haunted]

Pete, I'm always rushing in and out and not here a whole lot, so I can only manage a short comment right now. I remember seeing a couple of your early works and your experimental approach, and now looking at this poem, I'd say you've got it! This is excellent:

She taught me to see
where the world's texture
is so very, very thin
That I must take care
not to rip it
and let emptiness in.

[qimissung]

This is gorgeous.

[Pete Ak]

Thanks for your responses Haunted and Qimissung. H - I do feel as if my poetry can now be called 'poetry' but I'm rather more afraid to write now in case my standards drop!
Q - 'gorgeous' is a great compliment, just right for the piece, thanks.

[Pete Ak]

Any comments on the revision?