poems

[Jack of Hearts]

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[Jack of Hearts]

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[hillwalker]

Two very introspective pieces.

Of the pair I prefer the first for its clarity and precision.
The second is more intriguing but I felt that it rambles in places. One or two of the stanzas added nothing much and might have been better left out. The fact that we're not told what the 'rectangle' is adds to the dilemma facing the protagonist. Subtle as ever.

H

[DocHeart]

Jack, what's with deleting everything you post within hours of posting it? Give the ones who live in different time zones a chance, mate! At least leave them up for 24 hours. :)

Regards

[Bar22do]

Jack, again?

[Jack of Hearts]

Nah they weren't any good. Could feel that they weren't any good. Working on it, working on it...







J

[Jack of Hearts]

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[Jack of Hearts]

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[Jack of Hearts]

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[fairice]

Oh my, these are delightful. If only I could write that well.

[Jack of Hearts]

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[Jack of Hearts]

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[Jack of Hearts]

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[billl]

Well, you made these last two better, in my opinion! Good decision--and lucky for me, just reading a couple short poems online real quick.

[Hawkman]

Hi Jack. Sunken isn't the right word to start the first poem. "Sunken in" is also an unfortunate combination as well as a grammatical abberation. You can say :

"Sunk in night's different shades..."

"pallid, and on the lake

light begins to wane."

The syntax is awkward here. To what does the pallid refer; the shades or the light? either way pallid needs to come before the object/subject it describes. You don't really need it anyway because you say the light, "begins to wane." Probably best just to drop pallid.

Notwhistanding, I enjoyed both of these poems. At least I got to see them before they go west.

Live and be well - H

[Bar22do]

The last deleted, Jack, were beautiful to read to my eyes! Pourquoi les effaces-tu tous??? Si toi tu écris pour effacer, moi, je dois m'abstenir d'écrire! Pitié!

[Jack of Hearts]

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