Christopher

[Darcy88]

....................

[AuntShecky]

The descriptions are vivid; the plot, albeit maudlin, is a compelling one.

Alas, the story cries out for a style doctor. Although an occasional sentence fragment is effective, long, lengthy strings of unsupported phrases and clauses seem disjointed and perfunctory. Get acquainted with verbs and see if you can convince them to support some of your sentences.

Watch out for grammatical carelessness, such as pronouns without antecedents, or head-scratching puzzles such as this:


Each thing seen reminded some part of him of her. Diane. He was a man complete but for the empty chasm in his breast which had been where his heart, prior to that sweet and savage affair, had resided[. . .]


Everything he saw reminded him of Diane.

The tacked-on final passage seems anti-climactic and overblown. I'd try incorporating it into the story, in which the main section could be a flashback. Along with the sentence fragments in the main section, this final part has a run-on sentence:


She wept uncontrollably, the cashier had to hold her while the rest of the shoppers stared in bewilderment and pity and those with children quickly exited the scene.

As she wept uncontrollably, the cashier held her. The other shoppers stared, grabbed their children, and ran out of the store.

Also, try to avoid clichés ("exited the scene," "wept uncontrollably.") There's too much "telling" in "bewilderment and pity," though the other description of the shoppers' reactions is more effective --"showing." "To positively ID" is not only a cliché, but a split infinitive.

This isn't a bad effort, by any means, however. I do hope you'll post other stories with less lugubrious topics!

[Darcy88]

The descriptions are vivid; the plot, albeit maudlin, is a compelling one.

Alas, the story cries out for a style doctor. Although an occasional sentence fragment is effective, long, lengthy strings of unsupported phrases and clauses seem disjointed and perfunctory. Get acquainted with verbs and see if you can convince them to support some of your sentences.

Watch out for grammatical carelessness, such as pronouns without antecedents, or head-scratching puzzles such as this:



Everything he saw reminded him of Diane.

The tacked-on final passage seems anti-climactic and overblown. I'd try incorporating it into the story, in which the main section could be a flashback. Along with the sentence fragments in the main section, this final part has a run-on sentence:

.

As she wept uncontrollably, the cashier held her. The other shoppers stared, grabbed their children, and ran out of the store.

Also, try to avoid clichés ("exited the scene," "wept uncontrollably.") There's too much "telling" in "bewilderment and pity," though the other description of the shoppers' reactions is more effective --"showing." "To positively ID" is not only a cliché, but a split infinitive.

This isn't a bad effort, by any means, however. I do hope you'll post other stories with less lugubrious topics!

Thank you for offering up such a measured critique. I agree with what you say here. My previous efforts all suffered severely from the problems you lay out here only they were a million times worse. Sentence fragments and run on sentences are a weakness of mine, as is using cliched phrases.

If I edited it again I would tone down some of the flowery language and hack out the cliches. As is stands now its something I myself would enjoy reading, but alas I understand that readers have different, HIGHER, expectations.

Thanks again.

[AuntShecky]

I understand that readers have different, HIGHER, expectations.



And you should take that as a compliment, as we believe you are capable of producing outstanding work.

[Darcy88]

And you should take that as a compliment, as we believe you are capable of producing outstanding work.

I do appreciate it. The treatment I receive here I cannot complain over. At all. If I didn't have this place I would lose my mind. I need to have people tear my work apart. Its like building a military fortification. Unless its tested, unless its proven, it just stands or lays on the land pointlessly.

[Darcy88]

I turned it into a low budget impromptu short film with Mozart playing in the background. A Link to it is in my blog under "Christopher."

[Darcy88]

I summoned Christopher back from the dead. This short story is now a short chapter in my novel. I already have 50 pages front and back handwritten. I am EXCITED. My writing has never gone this well. I've been wanting to write another novel or novella with burning desire for the past 6 years. I have only written short stories and poetry and essays in that time. Now I am taking what usually go into my short stories and essays and poems and am putting them into the novel. I always thought there was some secret to writing a novel. No. YOU JUST HAVE TO WRITE. Its simple, beautifully simple.