fly in sunlight

[smerdyakov]

truth is, i have never taken much pleasure in the visible world;
ideas are better;
and i never feel the need to recreate them with words;
thoughts are better.

so you can keep your grinding stones and axes;
let me lay under a cherry blossom tree
which drips in sunlight;
keep me far away from courts and crimson kings
and gladitorial amphitheatres;
let me be as a fly in sunlight.

[Hawkman]

I like the thought behind this and for the most part it reads well. Shame about the double use of better in S1 though, and lay should be lie in S2. apart from these quibbles an enjoyable read.

Via con Dios - H

[miyako73]

Your use of semicolon is problematic. If it's not for the series of independent clauses (since those clauses do not include commas) what are the semicolons in the second lines of both stanzas for? It's obvious to me that both second lines are negating or supporting responses to the first lines. You can either use period in the second lines or dash in the first lines. Punctuation marks are important in reading.

All in all, it's a beautiful, deep piece.

[smerdyakov]

Hawk - thanks, as always, for your response. Will have a look at that issue you pointed out. :)

miyako73 - thanks for the feedback. I have to point out that you are wrong in your understanding of semi-colons however. An independent clause does not necessarily need to have a comma to justify the the use of a semi colon and proceeding independent sentence. I experimentally used semi colons to convey the hurried thoughts of the narrator as he answers the declarative statements. I thinks it works well. It gives the piece a feeling of rushing/speeding towards its end, as if the whole poem is merely a single thought in itself, which is what i wanted.
Thanks for your opinion all the same.

:)