Untitled

[Bar22do]

we noted, in passing

a rock -
like an old man’s back
in tatters, puckered
by rains, winds -
bent under the void

a panting monk in the sun
pondering the stone
that will lie above him

a star cluster, wiped away
with the coming of dawn –
memories
the rising epoch is erasing

all, scribble on shadows -
and you keep whispering
“my everlasting love”?



Jerusalem, end of May, 2012

[PrinceMyshkin]

May I suggest that "pondering a stone" could be pondering the stone (without the emphasis).

[Bar22do]

Thanks for reading and correcting me, Prince. You're right, of course.

[paradoxical]

a star cluster, wiped away
with the coming of dawn –
memories
the rising epoch is erasing

I love the lines in this stanza.

[Jack of Hearts]

Bar, you show off! This is great work. Favorite part:


a rock -
like an old man’s back
in tatters, puckered
by rains, winds -
bent under the void

All vivid imagery and none of it lost in vagueness. Very well done. One supposes that even if a monk is not in a dire situation, he's probably thinking about 'the stone that will lie above him.'






J

[Darcy88]

we observe, in passing

a rock -
like an old man’s back
in tatters, puckered
by rains, winds -

all, scribble on shadows -
and you keep whispering
“my everlasting love”?



Jerusalem, end of May, 2012


Those two stanzas stuck out as particularly poignant to me. Keep writing!

[Bar22do]

Thank you Paradoxical, Jack (you spoil me! and well, where've I been? eh, just life's crazy speed, I guess), and Darcy! I'm glad you each found something to like in this piece... Thanks a lot for reading and commenting!

[firefangled]

Brilliant the way you draw attention to time in this, so perfect for the arrival of the last line. I loved it!

[Bar22do]

Thank you Fire, I thought (or, rather, hoped) you might like this one. Blessings.