I Love

[Beautifull]

So I tried to go for a more "jazz-y" poetry feel kinda...please tell me what you think.
I Love

Bitter, cold trembles,
Like the hardcore kind a bum knows
Rots within me, roots within me,
It grounds me in reality.
The ocean watches, calls out, it’s
wanting me to join its depths.
With the tide it wants
To pull me under
Tear me asunder
To leave me in pieces
that I cannot put back together
But I, I am a phoenix
the flame and fire dance and lick
around me with my passion
My own fire burns me to ashes,
but yet I rise
I raise these hands,
These wings I expand,
I’ll reach to the sky above,
For these lips will never again say “I love…”

Thank you for reading!

[Charles Darnay]

I think the second half (starting with "With the tide...") works very well, and has the rhythm I think you were going for.

A few things I would suggest for the first half:

The second line doesn't add anything and the piece sounds better without it.

"Growing slowly like tree" (like a tree).

"The ocean watches, calls out, it’s
wanting I to join its depths." (The ocean watches, calls out, wanting me to join its depths)

"To be no different
It wanted
That a torrent
Not a wind" (you could lose these lines and the piece will not suffer).


Overall, very enjoyable - particularly with some Miles Davis playing in the background (pure fortunate coincidence :) )

[hillwalker]

"Jazz-y" as in "to be read out loud a little like a smoochy song in some smoky nightclub
with a saxophone and piano playing quietly in the background while the crowd
sip at their martinis and listen..." yeh...

It starts slowly, like some bluesy number - the writer is suffering hard times
so I don't think the line 'Growing slowly like (a?) tree' works as well
in this context because it suggests there is a possibility of hope when really
the ocean is beckoning her to join it. The poem would work better without it.

Similarly 'With nowhere to run/That is its fun' contains a weak rhyme and
these lines change the mood from sinister to almost playful.
Again the poem would be no worse if you took both lines out.

If you're only using rhyme here and there
sometimes it's better to make sure you avoid it altogether.
The four lines ending in 'rise - size - demise - surmise' stand out
for the wrong reasons. The rhyme is awkward - almost annoying.
I'd keep the first but get rid of the other 3 since they're rather weak.

The last 4 lines 'these hands/These wings' might also benefit
from some re-wording - and again try to avoid the temptation to include a rhyme
unless there's really some point to it.
The closing couplet is probably the only place in the poem where the rhyme works.

An interesting experiment and I think it works - but some gentle trimming and
perhaps a slight alteration here and there would make it a more effective piece.

H

[Beautifull]

Thank you guys. With your comments, I was able to revise. I'm really relieved that both comments were similar in their advice, or I would have pulled my hair out trying to figure out who's to apply. :lol:

Yes, that "Jazz-y" feeling....but since it's my first time trying for it, it might be a little off.

Thank you for the guidance!

~Beau

[Jerrybaldy]

In the position of not having seen it pre-revision, but not sure that it matters. I particularly loved


The ocean watches, calls out, it’s
wanting me to join its depths.
With the tide it wants
To pull me under
Tear me asunder
To leave me in pieces


But thats not to say I did not love the whole thing, as I did. It is, as they say, right up my street, the dark street, where its best not to tread and I think you did a brilliant job, Beautifull, I really do.

[Haunted]

The poem holds together well with a lot of lovely lines and images that are quite unique. I enjoyed reading it. You've come a long way Beautifull.

[Bar22do]

A wonderful, genuine writing. I've just read your revision and enjoyed it so very much! Grace us with more, Beautiful! kudos for this, Bar

[MystyrMystyry]

I agree Beau. This now reads a lot more 'sophisticated' if I can use that word - and why not? It's a sophisticated piece! :)

[Delta40]

You have a feel for tragedy romance and love Beautiful (sigh...) well done.

[Beautifull]

Thanks guys! I'm glad you enjoyed this poem. :)

[aliengirl]

This is marvelous Beau. The poem has so many good lines that I'd quote it as a whole and I like phoenix imagery very much. Beautiful, just like you. :)