On the sands of time

[sundarramchand]

Scraping the bottom
Tasting the dregs
Feeling the rough edge
Of the knife
Of life

Memories in purple of women
Rough and yet tender
With the associated scars

Of countless evenings in bars
Like this
But something unique in each

As I peer into the glass,
Reflections and introspections rise forth
Both conscious and involuntary
At last the emptiness drains out

And as the orangish red glow of the drinks spreads,
I awaken to
A Tequila sunrise

[hillwalker]

There's a better poem hidden away in this I believe.

The first stanza is a little too unfocussed - three random metaphors (in danger of being clichés) that make it diffficult to ascertain what is going on here.

And as for the final verse... it seemed that you've constructed the entire poem in order to deliver this punch-line. A case of allowing the poem to go on a little too long. It would work better without these 3 lines in my humble opinion.

H

[Buh4Bee]

I agree that the first three line of the first stanza could be cleaned up. I understand that you may be attempting to create the feelings of the poem (tasting, feeling, scraping) for the reader by contrasting the taste of the drink against the harshness of life.

These lines convey the strongest meaning in the poem:
As I peer into the glass,
Reflections and introspections rise forth
Both conscious and involuntary
At last the emptiness drains out

I like the ending, even if it is cheesy. I think it captures the awakening of getting drunk and the relief experienced temporarily from being a miserable person.

[sundarramchand]

"
There's a better poem hidden away in this I believe."

Thanks

"
The first stanza is a little too unfocussed - three random metaphors (in danger of being clichés) that make it diffficult to ascertain what is going on here."

On the contrary, i feel that these reflect the purpose of the poem and set the tone as it were

"
And as for the final verse... it seemed that you've constructed the entire poem in order to deliver this punch-line. A case of allowing the poem to go on a little too long. It would work better without these 3 lines in my humble opinion."

Though that was not the intention (this is in no way, the key of the poem) I agree completely that they seem somewhat out of place i could not find anything better to complete the piece


"
I understand that you may be attempting to create the feelings of the poem (tasting, feeling, scraping) for the reader by contrasting the taste of the drink against the harshness of life"

Yes, but i would extend contrasting to comparing (with / without contrasts)
"
These lines convey the strongest meaning in the poem:
As I peer into the glass,
Reflections and introspections rise forth
Both conscious and involuntary
At last the emptiness drains out"

Thanks

"
I like the ending, even if it is cheesy. I think it captures the awakening of getting drunk and the relief experienced temporarily from being a miserable person"

Thanks, it is meant to be cathartic but i think it captures something much subtler and deeper than "
the awakening of getting drunk and the relief experienced temporarily from being a miserable person"

[sundarramchand]

I would possibly amend the last stanza as follows :

And as the orangish red glow of the drinks spreads,
Life bubbles and foams forth worm like from the depths
Waves of life break "Urey-Miller" like on the shore
I awaken to a Tequila sunrise

[hillwalker]

My point was that there's no need whatsoever for that final stanza. The poem is a complete work without it. Fitting in the image of the Tequila Sunrise drink with an actual dawning glow is cheesy in the extreme and undermines any poetic pretentions you might have had. It's recycling an Eagles song - nothing more.

As for the opening verse - it doesn't set any tone in my opinion because I can't figure out whether you're scraping a barrel, draining a glass or testing the blade of a knife. Since each image is unrelated metaphorically it's merely confused...

but thanks for responding to my feedback. It's all part of improving our understanding as readers and writers.

H

[Buh4Bee]

And don't forget, there can be only one possible opinion.

[cafolini]

And don't forget, there can be only one possible opinion.

Hey, wait. I also have one. Me too! Me too!

[Buh4Bee]

THE OPINION is not yours.

[hillwalker]

THE OPINION is not yours.

Nor mine. :cornut: I wonder whose you have in mind.

H

[sundarramchand]

My inspiration was no song (and by the way, i have not heard the songs of the eagles band) but the association of images.

All poetry contains some ambiguity and this is reflected in the first stanza and the images are associated and related in a sense in the contexts implied.

I would actually amend the last stanza as follows :
And as the orangish red glow of the drinks spreads,
Life bubbles and foams forth worm like from the depths
Like the sinuous tunes of Borodin's music
Waves of life break "Urey-Miller" like on the shore
I awaken to a Tequila sunrise (Sorry couldn't find a better ending)

[hillwalker]

My inspiration was no song (and by the way, i have not heard the songs of the eagles band) but the association of images.

All poetry contains some ambiguity and this is reflected in the first stanza and the images are associated and related in a sense in the contexts implied.

I would actually amend the last stanza as follows :
And as the orangish red glow of the drinks spreads,
Life bubbles and foams forth worm like from the depths
Like the sinuous tunes of Borodin's music
Waves of life break "Urey-Miller" like on the shore
I awaken to a Tequila sunrise (Sorry couldn't find a better ending)

Never apologise - we all have our opinions and there are as many who found your closing line exactly right as those who might query it.

As for the amendment I tend to think it enters another dimension - not necessarily where the reader becomes more enlightened. You've added so many obscure (to some) similes that we're unable to focus on what you are really feeling.

H

[symphony]

The title actually scared me a bit, and made me expect less. "Sands of time" is such a repeated phrase now (the thing they call "cliche") that I just automatically lose focus when it is mentioned. The poem didnt disappoint though, not as much in the overall construction anyway, but I agree with hill as for it becoming too unfocused at times with all those similes in action. I like the very personal feel offered by the 2nd and 3rd stanza, for example. In fact, those are the stanzas that make the poem for me, I feel that just a couple more lines along with those 2 stanzas could easily do the job, without dragging it to all those other & more generalized words and phrases.

[sundarramchand]

My apologies are only for the last line ,which , i admit is a bit cliched. The rest of the imagery, similes are all intended to be that way.

I feel a suitable ending would be :
"I awaken to a Hallelujah sunrise" with its undertones of grace and redemption (even going beyond religious denominations)

[sundarramchand]

An updated version of the poem

On the sands of time

Scraping the bottom
Tasting the dregs
Feeling the rough edge
Of the knife
Of life

Memories in purple of women
Rough and yet tender
With the associated scars

Of countless evenings in bars
Like this
But something unique in each

As I peer into the glass,
Reflections and introspections rise forth
Both conscious and involuntary
At last the emptiness drains out

And as the orangish red glow of the drinks spreads,
Life bubbles and foams forth worm like from the depths
Like the sinuous tunes of Borodin's music
Waves of life break "Urey-Miller" like on the shore
I awaken to a And as the orangish red glow of the drinks spreads,
Life bubbles and foams forth worm like from the depths
Like the sinuous tunes of Borodin's music
Waves of life break "Urey-Miller" like on the shore
I awaken to a Hallelujah sunrise

[sundarramchand]

Sorry there has been a mistake :

Sending it once again

On the sands of time

Scraping the bottom
Tasting the dregs
Feeling the rough edge
Of the knife
Of life

Memories in purple of women
Rough and yet tender
With the associated scars

Of countless evenings in bars
Like this
But something unique in each

As I peer into the glass,
Reflections and introspections rise forth
Both conscious and involuntary
At last the emptiness drains out

And as the orangish red glow of the drinks spreads,
Life bubbles and foams forth worm like from the depths
Like the sinuous tunes of Borodin's music
Waves of life break "Urey-Miller" like on the shore
And i awaken to a Hallelujah sunrise
-----------------------------

And thanks Symphony and others for your comments

[sundarramchand]

There seems to be a mistake. Some lines in the last stanza seem to have been repeated. So here goes :

On the sands of time

Scraping the bottom
Tasting the dregs
Feeling the rough edge
Of the knife
Of life

Memories in purple of women
Rough and yet tender
With the associated scars

Of countless evenings in bars
Like this
But something unique in each

As I peer into the glass,
Reflections and introspections rise forth
Both conscious and involuntary
At last the emptiness drains out

And as the orangish red glow of the drinks spreads,
Life bubbles and foams forth worm like from the depths
Like the sinuous tunes of Borodin's music
Waves of life break "Urey-Miller" like on the shore
I awaken to a Hallelujah sunrise



And thanks symphony, hillwalker and buh4bee for your criticism

[hillwalker]

You are welcome. And a little more guidance - if you need to change one of your posts press the EDIT button and that allows you change what you have already written. It saves you having to repost just in order to correct or edit one or two lines.

H