Occupy My Mind

[FozzieFunk]

I sip my tea in the shadow of a falling nation.
Railing through ideas in steaming contemplation.
A leader now, is what we seek.
A man of the many lost and weak.
To command A nation boasting" all men are equal".
Yet ruled only by the few the rich and the evil.

[Jack of Hearts]

A fine enough little ditty. It doesn't really show anything poetic though- or, if it does, it doesn't show anything that's trying to draw in or capture the reader.







J

[AsianGuy1137]

I don't mean the above poster any disrespect, but you should probably disregard the post above. Poetic essence is a very subjective quality that could be assigned based on any number of arbitrary considerations. You have an engaging enough topic, but the main idea could be expanded on. As of right now, the message you're trying to convey is scattered and diluted. I'm interested enough in listening to what you have to say, but I feel like it the point is too brief and needs to be elaborated upon.

Hopefully my rambling made enough sense to give you an idea of what you could improve on. Thank you for sharing this with us.

[hillwalker]

I could quote AsianGuy and advise you to disregard his response - but the fact that this is an open forum means we all have an input to make and it's up to the original poster whether to disregard or take on board any advice offered.

The topic is a little simplistic - we need a leader who can rise above the norm. So what? You don't take the statement anywhere - in fact the image of the cup of tea is what really stuck in my mind (and I'm guessing that wasn't the intention of the piece).

Picking such a 'large' issue is inviting trouble unless you have something stunningly original to say. Stating the obvious isn't going to make your poem stand out - and the rhymes do your poem no favours at all.

A rethink is probably in order.

H

[blank|verse]

The inclusion of the word 'Occupy' is, of course, charged with political overtones at the present time, and the argument of the poem reflects the concerns of the global protestors.

However, I would question the logic of the argument, which seems to contradict itself in demanding a country in which 'all men are equal' - by finding one leader, (and 'a man' as well, women are obviously not up to the job) who is better and stronger, ie. more unequal than everyone else.

But yes, you've given yourself a difficult topic to write about - I think the inclusion of rhyme is a good choice, though; it has a strong, rhetorical quality to it, which, if used well, helps the argument of a poem sound solid and right. (See William Blake's 'London' for example.)

[PrinceMyshkin]

B|V does well to cite Blake's poem as one that Asianguy might profit from. Like Asianguy, Blake begins

I wander through each chartered street,

by situating himself in the poem or scene, but then, unlike Asianguy, Blake continues by providing particular, concrete examples:


[I] mark in every face I meet,
Marks of weakness, marks of woe.
...every infant's cry of fear,
In every voice, in every ban...
the chimney-sweeper's cry...
the hapless soldier's sigh...
the youthful harlot's curse..
the new-born infant's tear...