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timelinezero
07-19-2011, 10:16 PM
Rowing through the aether of sleep
Just projections on the vinyl screens of my eyelids
I've held the breath in too long, and forgotten the familiar taste, my arms wrapped around
your waist
There, now it's gone.

Your hands are haunted graves that still walk on me
In dreams where your fingers are snake tongues that dandle upon my face
Everything was beautiful, and none of it hurt.
When I was a boy, my body splayed on my mothers lap
Every step stumbled since has created a crack, and thistle limbs have grown over, to reclaim
the thorny path
Where my nature's been usurped, baked to the bone in the hearth
Obscura silhouettes of a past we don't get back

On the mistakes and regrets...
Your name all the while muscling the weight of my heart
It's blood rusted piping, somewhere discarded in leaves, crumbling and brown
now all the musty gloom that surrounds me, has callused into a hardened shell of a man
While murky eyed buzzards peck, and pull at my pit, and squawk shrill curses out my mouth
Leaving only dirt and down, dancing in my place

My lovers spit is still filling every wrinkle, with pulses paining every vein
A measure of the life still waiting, and writhing for me to awake

In the night you were the desert moon, aching on my mind
Your brilliance like tipped over bewitching bottles of red wine into the sky
crying blood-dust on the streets
My love stained into the loose leaf paper
Too beastly, and beautiful to paint in words.

everyadventure
07-20-2011, 02:04 PM
This poem swing wildly from excellent to mediocre, in just about every other line. The first line was a wonderful bit of imagery, dreamy and serene... then it is contrasted sharply with the technical image of projections on vinyl.

The next lines, with the satisfying rhyme of "long / gone" were lovely and heartfelt. But then the hands turn into "walking haunted graves?" An awkward metaphor and not something I can envision. The next sentence about snake tongues COULD be good, if it weren't so long. It's worded awkwardly, but the description could definitely work if it were tightened a bit. But then the line "everything was beautiful" is weak, and leaves the reader confused as to what time you're referring to. You were just speaking of a dream, is everything beautiful in the dream? Because the grave hands and snake tongues would make us think not...

Then back to loving the next line, about being a boy splayed on his mother's lap. Hmm, this is becoming a long review so I'm going to be quiet now. You just keep pulling me back and forth between admiration and boredom, and for that reason this is one of the most bizarre poems I've read on LitNet. I'm going to be interested to read what others have to say...

hillwalker
07-20-2011, 05:36 PM
I have to agree with what ea has already said - there are some wonderful parts that challenge the imagination and open up a new world - then there's some mundane material that just doesn't fit :

and forgotten the familiar taste, my arms wrapped around
your waist

is probably one of the low points - is it a cheesy love poem (with a little internal rhyme thrown in so we realise it's supposed to be a poem) or is it something else?

The convoluted metaphors come so thick and fast that the reader eventually gives up.
I'll admit now that I have no idea what this is supposed to be about - and I've struggled through it 4 times so far. It's so overwritten it could be about just anything.

There's a lack of focus that drags the beautiful langiage down to a baseline where your craft as a writer no longer makes an impact. Ultimately it comes across as a poem that's intended to impress by being clever-clever but actually falls flat on its face.

H

Delta40
07-20-2011, 07:07 PM
I got a bit dizzy reading this, not sure where it was supposed to be heading. I particularly liked the line: Rowing through the aether of sleep but it lapsed into a semi biography which prompted me to think this should be a short story.