Topography

[everyadventure]

Your lips traverse the shaded hollow of jaw and neck
then wander to collarbone's ridge.
Prints steam on tundra skin.
Hands, cracked and dry, survey peaks
and snowy swells.

I explore the terrain of your face:
Prickled opuntia jaw,
plateau of broad brow,
eyes the hot blue of desert sky.
I map the plain of baked brown shoulders,
the crag and cleft of chest,

as you note the landmark of a lone freckle,
frozen on a field of white.
You claim the territory with a kiss;
melting frost beneath.

[Hawkman]

An intimate moment tenderly expressed. A very pleasant read.

LLAP -H

[MystyrMystyry]

That was rather painterly every, like the detail was being applied with delicate brushwork - very well done

[Bar22do]

EA, all these details build up beautifully and make the reader melt with N! Reminds me of René Char's "you become visible where I disappear"... My only reservation would be with regard to the last S, for I see the freckle more as burning, not frozen; also, last L is a bit of a sweet cliché, it works nevertheless, but think perhaps of a stronger ending; well, it's possibly only me so feel free to disregard. It's a lovely poem, thanks for sharing. Very best from Bar

[PrinceMyshkin]

No, it isn't only Bar who has misgivings about that last line. I wanted it to go, as well. Whereas everything is beautifully captured visually, this is the only explicit statement of the speaker's interior and it just doesn't have the life of all the earlier visual/tactile details, whereas

"You claim the territory with a kiss"

leaves us very much involved in the scene, obliged to wonder what might happen next.

But as a title, "Topography" is too cold, too detached.

[winterroom]

A fine, very sensuous, poem.

Two thoughts (nit-picking really)..

..in the middle stanza, by the time I get to "eyes the hot blue of desert sky" I am already in a desert landscape, which the heat of the sky confirms, so I am no sure you need the word 'desert'.

The last line, the shortest of the poem, suggests suddenness and speed, and not the sensous languor of what comes before. Maybe it would possible to show the same image but in a longer, more measured phrase.

Hugh

[ampoule]

Love this, and love the title. The last line threw me also, in the reading, but oh boy did I understand it, that much awaited contact. Of course, the melting began with the first line.

[everyadventure]

Thanks all. @Prince, I'm disappointed you weren't a fan of the title, as that is where I began with the essence of the poem. Mapping the terrain of a lover's body is what it's all about.

@Bar, I'm thinking I didn't accomplish what I wanted to here... I wanted to capture the differences between the lovers, the rough desert heat of the man and the smooth tundra frost of the woman. So that was the reasoning behind "frozen" for the woman's freckle.

@everybody (ha), yes, you're right, that last line is trite. I was thinking of desert sun on snow, and using "melt" in a physical, literal sense.

Overall, this poem just didn't become what I would have liked it to be. I think I'm better off with poems of loss rather than love!

PS Edited the last line. Any better? Or is this poem just beyond saving?

[hillwalker]

Love the title - keep it.

The closing line - I 'get' the allusion to frigidity but 'frost' seemed too ephemeral to me. If you're looking to enhance the metaphor perhaps 'permafrost' fits in better with a landscape emerging from winter... but it's your poem, and is a long way from being a lost cause.

H

[Buh4Bee]

Very enjoyable. I think it all works as is.

[Bar22do]

Love poems are the most difficult to achieve, I believe. But you have nearly achieved yours!
I love the title, ea, think you should keep it.
kiss/beneath doesn't really work, imo, especially when closing the poem.
otherwise, great as is.
B f B

[AuntShecky]

RE: the title. It's a good one; alas, previously used for
a similar subject by none other than Sharon Olds.

Here's a link. (Scroll down to find the poem on the right hand side):

http://illsandthrillsoflove.blogspot.com/2010/04/topography-sharon-olds.html

[Jerrybaldy]

topography. tick
content. tick.
I preffered your original ending too.

[Vignette]

I very much enjoyed your poem, EA. I liked the imagery - the contrasts, and I especially liked these lines:

"Hands, cracked and dry, survey peaks
and snowy swells."